Posted by Catherine Martin on July 20, 2014
A few weeks ago, Chef told me that my blog had been introduced in a custody case between his new girlfriend and her ex-husband. I did some checking, spoke to some people, and no, it was not. However, it had been brought up by one side’s attorney and shown to the other side’s attorney as some kind of proof that substantiated some claims by someone else, and …. yada, yada. Believe me. I got lost in that sentence too.
So, I was faced with a decision.
I obviously don’t feel like I was as harsh on Chef as I could have been, and even after returning to read post after post after post about him and what he was doing to our relationship, I still feel like I was pretty fair. I was telling the truth. The really problematic stuff for him has been barely grazed by my writings. I have alluded to even darker experiences, but I have not boldly written about them. I do try to keep in mind that while Chef did things that were so painful for me, he is not the devil reincarnate. He is whole person, too, just like all of us are and while all of this was going on, his horrible behaviors were what I was focused on. They aren’t the sum total of who he is as a person, though.
I don’t know if his long stint with a drug he was allergic to has changed his personality, or if I was just rocking my rose-colored glasses for twenty years so well, I basically had been playing with an imaginary friend all this time.
Chef is very different from the way I perceived him all those years. We don’t see each other very often, though from time to time, we will have a text conversation. Invariably, those texts start out okay and go straight to hell from there. My attempts to console him are always met with rage, and I have pretty much left off giving him any type of advice at all. I have accepted the fact that we can’t hear each other anymore. I am not saying what he wants me to say, and he isn’t saying what I want to hear either.
Chef is struggling with a deep bitterness, and my heart does hurt for him. I want so much for him to understand how powerful a humble heart really is; how acknowledging your darkest failures and exposing them to the light instantly will inoculate you from the shame of being found out. A person who stands before others with no excuses but admits to being wrong and offers only an apology has literally taken the sting out of any further accusation made against him. And should he be rejected by some for his admissions, many people will find a man willing to humble himself in their eyes a person more trustworthy than most. By removing the stain of deceit that people tend to cloak unacceptable sins with, and expressing a sincere remorse, a quiet bond is formed between the forgiver and the forgiven. Sadly, Chef is trying to deal with his losses a different way, and it makes me sad for him.
I have changed some things up on my site. However, to remove anything and everything that relates to Chef would be impossible. I feel like the story was a good one to tell, and I had the right to tell it. It is, after all, the story of Chef and Bird. But as far as his drug use, I know he graduated from rehab a few months ago, and I have no knowledge whatsoever if he is using again or not. Even if he were, since he is not part of my life anymore, I wouldn’t bother writing about it on here.
I doubt my blog can be used in court to prove something like this, but just in case, as of today, I have no idea what he is doing, who he is doing it with, or anything about this court case other than what the public court records contain in them. I think trying to use the blog of a brokenhearted woman who was being cheated on after 20 years with her husband, is stretching it legally. I imagine they would at least need to talk to me in person first to make sure I’m not a total whack job who just happens to have a talent for writing.
My guess is that Chef is annoyed my blog came up. He has always thought only a few friends and family would ever find the thing. Because people I don’t know knew about it, and printed off stuff I’d written, he suddenly found himself having to read it to find out what they were talking about. I’ve written over 400 posts in this thing, and Chef hates to read. Let’s just say, he isn’t impressed with my writing ability.
He assures me that had the roles been reversed and I had been having an affair, he would have shown me the decency of not writing about my mistakes on a blog.
- Not the decency to not lie to our friends about me not being on medications and being a ranting lunatic when no one was around.
- Not the decency to have me removed from the club and the only friends I had at the time by saying I was sleeping with another club member, who happened to be your best friend.
- Not the decency to not move this girl in to my home, give her my jewelry, write her letters claiming you only stayed with me because of the kids, and that you never loved me.
- Not the decency to be honest with me about anything, including me moving back home after Christmas or the Amarillo trip.
- Not the decency to be understanding about the kids and their inability to desert their mother.
- Not the decency to not call the cops on your own daughter.
- Not the decency to even be sorry for all that you did right now, while you are supposedly making your amends and completely sober.
Except for that little rant at the end, I write this post for Chef to use in refute of any drug accusations that might come up in court. The rant part was all me, for me, because I got worked up with indignation at his statement. :-)
PS: I do have to wonder, though. How many people are there out in the world that has someone writing a blog about them? Adulterous, hot affairs. Angry wives, wrathful husbands. Corrupt business partners. Secret stuff for people to find on the internet. I’ll bet there are butts puckering all over the world!!!
Posted by Catherine Martin on July 16, 2014
In my previous post, http://everyonehasastory.me/2014/07/13/my-stalker-was-busy-last-night-an-apology/, My Stalker Was Busy Last Night, I wrote about some of what was going on and why so many of you got a visit and some comments about me.
Let me explain.
I know that it is inevitable that people are going to develop an idea about me from what I write. We all do it, and that in itself, isn’t a bad thing. But I don’t want to give an impression of myself that is blatantly false. And though the facts about my stalker were true, the tone of compassion was not.
I know this guy well enough to know what would really piss him off, and that post was only designed to strike back at him in a manner I knew he would completely hate.
I am disappointingly flawed when it comes to being attacked. My initial reactions are never to just turn the other cheek, though I know that is what I should do.
My first response is to go all Machiavellian on my attacker. I never start a fight, but once I feel attacked, I always want to finish it. And I fight to win. I take no prisoners. My mom used to call it my Sicilian Revenge Gene. I generally have some control over myself when I get angry and wait awhile until I’m calm enough to think rationally before doing anything about it.
The exceptions to these cases, though, are when I am surprised by something that makes me either super pissed off or unusually afraid. Especially when I am taken by complete surprise.This guy did all of the above. I woke up to people who seemed afraid for me, which in turn, made me afraid too. There were so many!! Plus, there is a whole back story to this that just doesn’t make any sense to me, and I hate things that don’t fit into a pattern. Irrational behaviors in people freak me completely out. To me, those are the people that are the real dangers in my life. I knew this guy was unhealthily focused on me, but I was not aware to what degree I had become an obsession. I was pissed, scared, and surprised. The Perfect Storm.
So, here is the real truth about myself and my last “compassionate” post.
I am pretty good about being able to read people.
This person once held a place of power that he no longer occupies, and he is exceptionally easy to understand when it comes to what motivates him. I knew that by not showing any anger, fear, or any real regard for his perceived potential ability to cause me any damage, it would literally piss him right the hell off. And that was my motive. Not to show any understanding or compassion. Just to make him think he was nothing more than a small annoyance on the same level as a fly or gum on my shoe.
The logical part of me knows that was just a dumb move on my part. It is never a good idea to provoke a mentally unstable person into having to step up his game a notch to get your attention. That is the exact reason he visited all of your sites in the first place. To get me to take him seriously when I didn’t the first time. I put no thought into anything other than lashing back at him. I was mad.
I felt guilty when I got complimented on my kindness to a mentally ill man. I realized then the level of deceit my post was conveying, and decided that I am not okay with people thinking I had handled all of this so well. I blew it. I wasn’t being kind. I was poking the bear.
I apologize for misleading you guys. I write this post knowing he will read it and know he did actually get me good. That’s ok.
Here is the truth, tone and all, that I want my stalker to know:
You were able to rattle me, and I admit, I wrote that post because I knew you would be completely insulted by it.
Yesterday, I was super upset. Today, I am back under control of myself. I know some of the things you struggle with, and I am honestly sorry for lashing out in the manner that I did. There is no reason for you and I to be involved in a war with each other, and I don’t want to be. I’ve had enough anger, bitterness, and drama to last me a lifetime, and I want no part of any of that anymore.
I cannot say I understand why you feel the way you do, but know this: I actually do feel compassion and mercy for you today. I would never want to take away anything important from you, ever. Striking out at someone who has hurt you never makes your own pain feel any better. I hope you will take this as a peace offering and let all of this go. I have no problem also letting bygones be bygones.
I want you to know this, though, as well. I have children that live with me, and there are parts of what happened with Chef and I that I have not written much about that come into play when I am afraid. I want no part of any fight with you; however, if you ever make me feel threatened, or make me fear for the safety of my children again, I will do everything in my power to have you locked up in a psych ward. It won’t be because of vindictiveness, only for our safety. I hope you understand, forgiveness and mercy don’t equate to letting people hurt us for no good reasons. I am tired of all of your weird crap when it comes to me, and this is your notice that the very next incident you present me with, I will take every bit of evidence I have against you to an attorney. I won’t call the cops, but I will take you for everything you’re worth. Please don’t make me do that. You need to find something else to fill your time. It has been two years now, and I’m finished dealing with it.
I REST MY CASE!
I feel better now that I have told you guys the truth. I am not a saint. I am struggling with my crap, same as everyone else.
Posted by Catherine Martin on July 14, 2014
I sincerely apologize for somehow involving you in my weirdo situation with this guy. This has been going on in my life for about two years now, and normally, it does not phase me much. Sadly, I have gotten used to it. I won’t answer accusations that clearly have no basis. Some of the greatest comment wars have happened on here, including the one where I am called a Whore of All Whores. Just ask Ivonne, who is,hands down, the Master Debater Extrodinaire in this realm!
Chef has unfettered access should he ever want to comment. I wrote the most about him, and he has that right. Everyone else, though, gets monitored unless I know you. That is just the way running a blog goes. It is always the people who don’t make sense that ever get turned away, and that is just how it has to be. I’ve seen people who very likely were mentally unstable get verbally attacked, and that can’t be good for anyone. Plus, this is where I go to sort things out in my head. I won’t let it become a sounding board for haters or liars.
The latest incident was triggered when I refused to approve a long, rambling, disturbing comment he wanted to post a day or so ago, and he was very vocal with other people we both know about his distress over this. I have approved some of his comments before, and he always gets annihilated by other readers. Somehow, it just feels wrong to let people pound him when I think he isn’t playing with a full deck. Plus, I am concerned over what unsuspecting comment could cause him to have a total mental break and possibly try to find me and hurt me.
His declaration that he is only trying to help me is the part I am freaked about. I believe he really believes that is what he is doing, but I don’t need or want that kind of help.
For those of you who sent me emails and FB messages to warn me, I sincerely appreciate your concern. I have notified the right people about his actions, and I am confident this matter will be addressed swiftly and with positive results.
Please don’t be too harsh on him. I don’t think he can really help himself.
I hope you have a pleasant day, and hopefully this has not caused too much of a distraction from it.
PS: The people I write about do exist. For legal purposes, their names have been changed. Dude. Really?
Also, every computer that stops by this site has their IP address recorded. It is not all that hard to track even addresses that are cloaked. So, even though you are trying to be anonymous, if needed, it is possible to find out your actual street address. Because of the stalker, I put that little feature on this blog practically from the beginning. I usually don’t track back any IP addresses; I’ve done this two times in two years. Both times, these people wanted to be threatening and still remain anonymous. I found both of them, and sadly, I knew who these people were. If you want to be hateful, understand the risk.
Posted by Catherine Martin on July 13, 2014
I am involved in a situation at the moment that makes me want to write about raising Christian kids. You Christians do remember, we are in a spiritual war, right? Are you raising warriors, or are just chumming the spiritual waters with these ill-equipped new semi-adults? I am inclined to think people forget that we are training our kids to be adults one day, not mutated extensions of ourselves. At some point, they need to fly, and you either taught them well or you didn’t. It’s that simple.
First, I’ll lay out some credentials. I have been a Christian since age 8 or 9, raised in several churches, and periodically attended a Christian private school. My poor mother did not really have a clue how to raise kids to be adults. Because of the instability of my family, I ended up attending many public schools as well as attended several different churches, and attended some of their schools. I have had the rare privilege of having lived in both worlds – the harsh real one and the religious spiritual one. It messed me up.
I was just a weird kid. I was so naïve at times, people sometimes thought I was faking that rare innocence. I didn’t know what gay or lesbian meant, I accidentally offended the first black person I met, and just the sight of a tampon machine could make me blush bright red. I had crushes on boys, hopes to be picked for plays, played in sports, and dealt with the crisis of childhood, high school.
I ended up getting to put what I’d learned about Christian principles into practice in a public school, with its very real worldly temptations. My mother desperately hated me interacting with the heathens outside of our religious circle, but money for private school wasn’t always there. I am so fortunate it worked out that way.
I guess we all have those one or two things our parents did that we swear we will never do to our kids. My sore spots with Mom were arbitrarily expecting blind obedience constantly, without any explanations of the reasons at all, and raising kids who were helpless, clueless adults. I had to break away harshly from my mother, and while I hated her being angry with me, I wanted to be free more.
I already wrote about using explanations to build bonds of trust between you and your kids. Now I want to touch on raising up warriors, not sitting prey.
Parenting is hard for everyone, but Christians have eternal souls at risk added to their plates. None of us can stand the thought of any of our babies going to hell, and we all work at varying levels and with varying successes to make sure our kids are “raised up in the way they should go, so when they are old, they will not depart from it”.
I can’t say I really had a plan for raising my kids, per se. I talked to mine a lot, even when they were tiny. I explained anything and everything if possible when it came to my decisions, even if it was only to tell them I just wasn’t up for a long discussion and would they just please obey me. And I told them about God, His Word, and how it was important they always find out from the Bible if anyone, even me, told them it said anything. I did not make them say salvation prayers as little kids, and I did not overly shelter them from the world they have to live in one day. They learned quickly that the world is full of people with bad problems, and that life is neither fair nor is it easy. It’s often messy.
My kids went looking for God on their own. They weren’t an extension of my relationship with the Lord, and I let them come to their own decisions about Him. They are each at different points in their walk. And if there is one thing I do know, it is that I was never going to be able to manipulate, bully, or cajole them into being good Christians, no matter how good my intentions were.
I’m dealing with a 20 year-old, adopted young pastor’s daughter (Angela) who has come to live with us for the moment. She has been homeschooled, and only allowed social contact with the members of the congregation her father is the leader of. She was allowed to take a job babysitting for a family down the street from her parent’s house for $50 a week. She lived with this family, took care of three young children, one with severe autism, and allowed to work a very part-time position at a Chick-Fil-A, Employer of Only The Christian Homeschooled. She had been attending college, but her duties with the wards interfered, and her grades suffered so much, she dropped out.
Rebekkah came to me beside herself because on the one hand, she cares for this girl who seems to have latched on to her from nowhere. On the other hand, she has finally found a church home, and she had a feeling the pastor would not like us helping his daughter get out of under his thumb. And because he is the pastor, he could easily lead his congregation to reject her as well. Already, Rebekkah is being passively aggressively shown their displeasure.
See why I don’t miss going to church? Christian behavior has taken a back-seat to very earthly clique-ish manipulations, and by the pastor no less.
I thought about it, prayed, and then decided to not turn this girl away. I simply don’t care if a whole church gets mad at me. It won’t be the first time!
Here is how I outlined my reasoning and my decision:
- This girl is 20 years-old. That is past the age of accountability.
- This girl has either purposely, or inadvertently, been kept from developing her own network of friends, and kept financially unable to care for herself.
- The later age of her adoption and some of the very shocking things being said to her by her father make me think there is not much of a true parental bond here. At the moment, she is ordered to keep a journal of every day and every thing she does to give to her father should she ever need to return home. Really?! That is just creepy.
- This girl is being used for cheap labor by a woman who does not work to raise children that are her responsibility. This family does not go to church, and aren’t proclaimed Christians. It seems that it was the nearness of their address that Angela’s parents were happy with. When Angela’s car broke down, and she couldn’t make it to the house to babysit, the mother was hateful, domineering, and tried hard to make Angela tell her where we lived so her husband could come collect her. Needless to say, Angela quit. Thank God!
- Angela is trying to break free into adulthood, but she is very meek, very much a people-pleaser, and woefully ill-equipped for living on her own. She saw her first homeless person on the street yesterday, and you would have thought the guy was naked the way she hid her face and gasped.
- And lastly, this kid turned to us, barely more than strangers to her, in the middle of the night, instead of calling her parents. She was not going to be going home, with our help or without it. No one here will hurt her.
Angela is going to be fine, but she’s a prime example of raising up soft, clueless adults who aren’t ready to survive life, much less any spiritual attacks. They will be introduced to the harshness of reality; shouldn’t it be while you are still there to teach them?
I am kind of appalled at the behavior of all of these seasoned Christian adults. They are reacting to a very normal, common occurrence in families everywhere since the dawn of time as if Angela is committing some blasphemous sin by not obeying her parents. It has not occurred to any member to call out these odd manipulative behaviors in their pastor, but instead, jump on the chaos bandwagon to make all of this much bigger than it really is. At some point, your kids don’t have to obey you!
Hello! That obeying thing doesn’t carry through until one of us dies!! You become an advisor when they are adults. Hopefully, they will trust you enough to listen to you.
Posted by Catherine Martin on July 9, 2014