What Men Do With Tweezers

Today, I’m going to talk about something that just embarrasses me to no end, but I believe it is important enough to women everywhere that I’m going to bite back the shame, and cover this subject in length. And it all started with an argument with Chef over my tweezers.

Unappealing facial hair has been no secret to mankind for tons of decades by now, but as a reddish blonde girl

By Richard Wheeler (Zephyris) 2007.

By Richard Wheeler (Zephyris) 2007. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

that tends to grow peach fuzz instead of hair all over my body, I paid absolutely no attention to the despair other women were going through over this somewhat unfeminine scourge of theirs. My sisters and my mom are all brunettes, and they seemed to speak this unknown language of eyebrow picking and mustache removal wax that secretly, I was happy to skip. I had watched my mom pluck her eyebrows hundreds of times over years of my childhood, and the whole process kind of grossed me out. I hate pain in general. So, before I will embark on something painful, no matter how great it is going to make me look, I weigh all the pros and cons. And having perfectly shaped eyebrows just weren’t worth the plucking pain you had to stand to get them. Plus, frankly you can’t really see mine that well. They’re even lighter than my hair…win!

But, about 5 years ago or so, my body betrayed me in a horrible way by growing one — ONE! – hair on my chin. And in a cruel twist of fate, it was blonde, so I didn’t know it was growing there until it was somewhat impressive in length. Yes. I can feel so many of you turning away from this post in disgust. But, I’m trying to help my fellow woman, so I will endure your distaste as a martyr should.

Because my hair is long, curly, and given to flyaway, tickle moments, the fact that some random hair was tickling my chin didn’t really alarm me…I was a fool for not checking.

Finally, through sheer boredom at work, I moseyed on into the girl’s bathroom to pull my hair back out of my face, and the sunlight hit my chin just so…And I could see this rebel hair that had grown on my chin!!!  Oh, the Horror! Let’s just say that it was long enough for me to pull it out with just my fingers. I wanted to disappear into a hole in the ground. I mean, I had essentially grown a full beard!

Keeping my dark shameful secret to myself, I had hoped that the hair had been some genetical fluke that wouldn’t repeat itself, but in a cruel twist of fate, that stupid hair made its stubby little appearance again within the next few days. It was official. I was some kind of freak show now, ready to join a circus and set up a tent so all the normal people in the world could come gross themselves out looking at the one hair on my chin.

In desperation to keep my secret from getting out, I went to the store and bought some pretty expensive tweezers. I needed the best. Obviously, they were going to need to hold up to a strenuous exercise of pulling my one hair out every day or so. And for some unknown, un-holy reason, my husband keeps taking my tweezers out of the bathroom. I mean, seriously, guys. What do you guys need with tweezers???

I’ve confronted my tweezer-thief on many occasions, and I get varying answers, most that are vague and uninteresting. Some answers have been disturbing, and through it all, I’ve managed to lose about two dozen pairs over the years.

This morning, as I was getting my tweezers out the cabinet, and lifting them up to my face to search for The Hair, my husband, walking by the bathroom says, ” I wouldn’t use those on your face anymore if I were you…” and kept on walking. I dropped said tweezers like a hot marble, and they fell down the sink.

I am sitting here, freshly shaven because I am now afraid to touch any of the tweezers in my house…. All the really cool things I was going to write about are all lost memories because my brain won’t stop pondering just exactly what disgusting thing he might have done with my tweezers.

Seriously. This is what my mind is stuck on.

– Bird

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26 Comments

  1. This man will be maintaining the Secret Male Tweezer code to the death:P

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  2. Well, I pluck my eyebrows with them. Although I cannot find them anywhere and I’m living in a dorm. Thanks for scaring me into finding them.

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    • lol…You’re welcome! And thanks for sharing that men also pluck their eyebrows, too, Respect for sharing the embarrassing stuff, my friend, Respect!

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  3. Jen

     /  April 2, 2012

    ROFLMBO!!!!!!! Seriously, I feel a fool because it’s just me here at home and my dogs are looking at me like I’ve lost my mind! GURL, you are not the only female in this world with one wild little facial hair that haunts and taunts!! I’m right there with you! HOWEVER, Ken owns his very own pair of tweezers for the very purpose of yanking out his nose hairs, his ear hairs, and yes, he even plucks his eyebrows! Get Chef his own pair and hide yours in a safe place! ;o)

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    • Lock box, here I come! Lol…

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    • Since Chef has never had sculpted eyebrows, I am inclined to think it is one of the other gross things they do…I feel a little sick. How many times have I used the tweezers when he wasn’t around to warn me…If I grow a nose hair on my chin, I’m going to know why!!!

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  4. OMG that was the best writing ever! I got the greatest laugh out it all! I completely hate the chin hair nightmare, as I get 3 yep thats right 3 of them. And they are black and very noticeable! In fact I have told all my friends and family that under NO condition when i am old and feble are they to let those nasty 3 facial intruders to grow and remain on my face! So when ever I end up in some god forsaken nursing home, they have to come and remove them!

    As far as what men do with tweezers, I shall be kind to my fellow women and keep your secret! I always had a spare hiden, and one in the bathroom dish for my husband to use. He was never the smarter, ladies sometimes we have to be two steps ahead of the men our house :)

    Thanks for sharing Bird, I needed a good laugh… RJ

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    • What!! I hadn’t planned for the nursing home scenario! Wonder if my lawyer is available to change my will today. No body gets anything if they forget to come by my nursing home bed and pluck the aforementioned stupid hair! Thank you for the reminder…Also, 3! You poor thing! Goes to show you, no matter how bad you have it, someone else has it worse!!!

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  5. OMG! Ok, this was hilarious! I feel your pain. As a brunette from a long line of hairy women it has been a consistent battle. Mine on my chin and right in the middle of my neck! GROSS….Most embarrassing moment was between the corn and soup aisle of my local grocery store, when a beautician friend of mine I hadn’t seen in years pulls up next to me and after a cursory hello promptly checks my chin AND REMOVES the hair I failed to see….felt like I was in a jungle being groomed like a gorilla…LOLOL…Oh my…thanks for sharing and feeling the pain. Great post!

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  6. ah ha hah!
    I let out such a loud laugh that I scared myself..but I kept laughing..*he he*
    If I were you..I wouldn’t want to know what they were used for..and knowing how much of an OCD I have..I would probably sanitise my hands..Just in Case..! ha ha
    No but really..try not to think about it..you’ll only get grossed out..ha ha

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  7. i could not quit laughing, that was hilarious, and i have the same issue. i got it after my last son was born. a hormone thing, except thru time my one became several

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  8. My hair didn’t like growing outta my head anymore so it packed up and changed residence; leaving a barren but shiny landscape behind. Now it grows out of my ears and nose. I think it didn’t like being exposed to the elements and it was looking for shelter.

    And yes, I’m a guy. Thank God, no?

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    • I’m sure you being a guy only made you feel marginally better that your hair rebelled against you!

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  9. LOL. Yeah, the horrors of growing old… I really think it’s better not to know what men do with tweazers besides plucking their eyebrows and (eeeeeewwww) bose hair… :)

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  10. Too cute seems the tweezers are missing in our home now I know where they go. I am enjoying your blog.
    Melody

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