Loneliness

That’s a goofy looking word. I don’t know that I’ve ever really looked at it before. It looks a little like it feels. Lopsided, takes up too much space. I think there should be a ‘y’ in there, for all the times you ask yourself that. Why? Surrounded by a world full of people, why do I feel lonely? How can it be possible to be lonely? Oh, there’s the ‘y’. In the first person. Of course.

At this juncture of my life, I thought I’d be further along, honestly. Not necessarily more successful or married,

just not here. ‘Here’ is a 23 year old who hasn’t even had a real boyfriend. Oh yeah, you could get technical and say I’ve had 2. They lasted for 2 weeks each. One I tried to set up with someone vaguely like me so I could break up with him without feeling guilty. Didn’t work, incidentally. We never even kissed. The second I dated specifically to lose my virginity. I felt that, at 22, it had become a hindrance. Either it freaked guys out-making it too serious- or made me a challenge, which isn’t nice. Also, I knew most girls have sad heart-break stories about their ‘firsts’. I hoped to avoid that by picking someone I could have no emotional attachment to. It worked. I feel nothing when I think about him. Sometimes I even forget his name.

So here I am. Alone, still. I think the love I feel for the guy I’ve written about is really just my hope for love mixed in with some affection, logic, and a touch of impatience. I’ve decided to move on. Easier said than done, I know. My brain has accepted defeat, my heart is reluctant to follow. But I have a dream that has dogged my steps for years. A wish that I’ve wished a thousand times. I want someone who fills that void. That horrible empty space that no parent or friend can fill, no matter how wonderful. I see the casual brush of a hand on a shoulder, fleeting smiles shared for private memories, hands that reach for each other at the same time. I’ve never had that right. No one has had it with me. That’s what I’m looking for. I’m probably going about it entirely the wrong way. I don’t know. I’m not looking for a lightning strike. I don’t expect to see someone and just know. At this point, the rarity of being physically attracted to someone has made it one of my main criteria. I like to laugh, so I look for that combination.

So I guess what I’m getting at is that people looking for the fountain of youth are way off in their priorities. I’d much rather find a well with water that makes you completely content to be alone. Then we’d all die off, and no one would be left to worry about not dying. And that last, lucky generation could experience a life spent free of the wreckage that loneliness leads in to.

– Bekkie

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11 Comments

  1. Moving on–not so easy to do. However, it is the best thing. You are smart, talented and have much to give. Your time will come. Waiting for it, isn’t a bad thing, I believe it is the best thing you can do. I jumped too fast, I landed right smack into a failed marriage. I should have allowed myself to mature and I should have lived the single life of a 23 year old. Hang in there Honey, your day will come.

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    • bekkie04

       /  April 4, 2012

      thanks nae. hey, how did you handle the moving on from the failed marriage? did you start dating other people, or get a hobby? i’m looking for the most efficient way of getting over this haha. im open to advice :)

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      • I went out and had fun with my friends before I knew it, I met someone else and nearly forgot my ex’s name lol not really but sounded good

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        • bekkie04

           /  April 5, 2012

          that makes sense. i go out, though, and drinking makes me feel free to send goofy messages to him. im thinking about taking up a hobby :)

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  2. bugletto

     /  April 4, 2012

    oh sister of mine, i wish you lived in the worlds that i do. the voices make sure i’m never lonely.

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    • bekkie04

       /  April 4, 2012

      jeez, bug :) fictional characters are cold comfort. unrequited love for tuxedo mask never got us anywhere

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  3. i can so relate

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    • bekkie04

       /  April 4, 2012

      i’ve heard that loneliness is the human condition. probably true

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  4. For the last year of my marriage I have been lonely. My mate is my best friend, but I don’t feel that he is the “one”. I know that he loves me with every bit of himself but part of me wants to let go and be alone. Sometimes being in a relationship isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. But darlin’ I do hope you find that someone that is out there for you. That you find happiness and love….

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    • bekkie04

       /  April 5, 2012

      i’d settle for some decency. honestly, most of the people i meet are just…well, kind of low-budget. they sleep around, and want you to as well. their conversations center around tv, which im not well versed in. my dad told me i should find someone that thinks the sun shines right out of my ass-his words :) -and keep him. if your mate thinks that, i say keep him. people are getting worse, not better.

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  5. Fortunately my hubby does think that about me. And I kinda think that about him. I never want to hurt him deliberately. He’s a good guy… And I’m telling you there are better men out there. It’s just you’ve got slog through a lot of shitty ones first. And baby your dad is exactly right. Find a good one that thinks sun shines out of your ass. You will. Keep wandering, keep looking…..

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