Lately, I believe it would be fair to say that I’ve been on the horns of a dilemma when it comes to this blog thing. One thing that I’ve really come to value about writing here is the therapeutic nature of getting my bottled up thoughts out of my head and in front of my eyes, and the eyes of others. It tends to make the monster in my head look smaller and less destructive than I’d originally supposed.
I’ve been dealing with two major problems in my marriage, and as I tend to do, I keep my secrets well guarded. It is one thing to blab my own shortcomings and failures to the world…I’m okay with people taking pot-shots at me, because I embrace my ridiculous mistakes and try to use them as cautionary lessons for others. But when you’re getting into the problems that a marriage goes through, you are setting up your partner to be judged, and even though Chef and his problems are making my brain crack, I still love him, and want to guard him from criticism.
My best friend, Audra has the full story, having proved over the years that she can be unbiased in her assessment of
what is going on, and when things calm down and are fixed, her love of Chef is never shaded by what she knows his imperfections are. I also spilled my guts to my newest confidant, Sara, the other night through chat. I simply needed someone to vent to, and then to pray for me, because the situation is so incredibly overwhelming, I felt like I needed some help. It is simply amazing how much better I felt about the whole sordid mess after I speak to these people. So, I wanted to say thanks to both of them. I appreciate you listening to me, and putting things in perspective. I love you guys.
Now, obviously, I can’t go into detail for the whole world to see, but I have put together a little montage of pictures that I hope will give you a glimpse of what it is like to be me these days… An Ode To Bird’s Insane Life. Hope you enjoy!!
Chef feels old all of a sudden:
As a rather logical kind of person, I immediately set about to find the cure for this odd ailment. And, because I simply can’t understand at all how this phenomenon works, I was unable to find a quick, painless cure. And my failure frustrated me and made me angry.
This is me, angry:
Or this is a good representation of how I’ve been feeling:
I get frustrated, and I pray and pray. And God always faithfully answers me, giving me a peace.
Bird at peace, thinking I’ve got the upper hand in the problem:
But, like Peter, I take my eyes off of God, and start freaking out again:
And because I keep fluctuating between peace and panic, my poor Chef has no idea what to expect from me anymore:
And when he gets all weird about me, I freak out and get all weird about him:
Then, I actually get some real communication in with the old Chef, and he with me, and peace reigns for about 4.5 minutes.
I always try to keep in mind that every thing we’ve ever overcome in this marriage felt just as horrible and hopeless as this one does, and I’ve always been glad that we’ve stuck it out. This is a true test of what a marriage is made of, these days, and right now, it feels like this:
But, I still have hope that it will someday soon feel like this:
Love you, guys!! Stick in there with me, okay?