Note To Self: Don’t Blog When Drunk, Moron!

One thing I’ve learned from having a blog is that I shouldn’t write on it when I’m drunk! And yet, when I take Ambien or on rare occasions, get drunk, that is exactly what I do!! I’ve even left myself notes before not to log on when I’m Ambien-ed out, and I completely ignore myself!!! My subconscious always thinks it knows better than my sane, sober self. Arrogant schmuck!

I rarely get drunk anymore, but the last couple of days sucked, added to the fact that I couldn’t sleep and I felt uncomfortable in my own skin, I decided to drink myself to sleep. I hate the kind of sleep I get from that, but some kind of sleep is better than NO sleep.

BUT not before writing on my blog and drunk dialing a bunch of my friends. :) Thank God they love me….

I’ve been struggling lately about what to write about. I don’t normally live in so much chaos and pain, and I hate spreading those kinds of emotions around or sounding like a cry baby demanding sympathy. I’m usually laid back and pleasant natured, so being angry and fearful feels foreign to me. My teen years were full of pain, fear, anger, and bitterness, and so feeling like this all over again is just horrible. Most days, the Lord does give me some relief, albeit temporary…without those times I’d go crazy. But the battle rages on here every day, and I must admit, I’m really, really tired. Physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted.

But, I’ve also learned that when we are at our weakest, that is when the Lord does His best work. I think when we absolutely know that we are in over our heads and there is no chance we’re going to deliver ourselves, that is when He stills the raging seas of our lives, and we can make no mistake that it was His victory, not ours.

I was able to sleep last night..thanks to vodka… and I’m a bit hungover, but I’m feeling His peace again this morning. There is absolutely no reason for me to feel differently than I did yesterday, which is how I know that God is control of my day.

I have decided that I have to write about my truths, whether they are angry or happy. I’ve never been all that good at masking my emotions, and writing about obese cats or pretending all is wonderful in Bird World isn’t really my cup of tea.  What is the point of me writing a blog if I’m just going to write nonsense stuff that even I don’t like? I don’t lie well at all, and I write non-fiction….

I still have my sense of humor about stuff, but it doesn’t come out much when I’m sad. And lately, my defining emotion has been sadness most of the time. Sad for what is gone forever, and sad about how satan has perverted so many things in my life, and how hard it is just to cope with things other people seem to brush off so effortlessly. People who deal with drama in their lives constantly have my utmost respect…How they can handle the ups and downs of a soap opera life is beyond me…I completely suck at all this drama crap. I like peace and quiet. No yelling, no arguing, no drama whatsoever. And lately, that has not been the ruling atmosphere around me. It blows, but I’m adapting.

That being said, I have my hope placed squarely on the Lord, and that is one thing satan hasn’t been able to touch. My faith never waivers when it comes to Jesus, no matter what is happening in my life. I know that I know that I know, Jesus will save me no matter what. I can say I truly trust the Lord these days and I know He isn’t going to allow me to endure more than I can handle. He’s never let me down, and He isn’t about to start failing me now. One day, all of my struggles will be over, and then the eternity that my life feels like at the moment will be a tiny drop in an ocean of eternity. Thank God we aren’t reincarnated!! Once is enough for me!

Monday, I start my new job. Even better, I am going to work for the only boss I’ve ever liked enough to maintain a relationship with for years after I stopped working for the company. In fact, she may be the only boss I’ve ever liked, period. The company we worked for laid us off when they relocated Human Resources to Georgia, or we’d both still be there. One of my favorite stories about Kim is that when she hired me permanently, she actually gave me an awesome raise so I’d buy nicer clothes and dress up a little more….lol! I hate dressing up, so I tend to figure any way around a dress code if possible. I’ve actually turned down jobs because of their dress code requirements…I HATE panty hose, high heels and polyester.  I am infamous for my passion for jeans, t-shirts, and boots. :-)  In the end, I think I bought two skirts and some slacks, but I don’t remember if I ever wore them more than once. And yet, Kim is taking me back! Even after drunk dialing her in the middle of the night last night even! I’m really excited! It’ll feel good to become more independent, plus working will distract my busy, broken brain from my problems for a little while each day… Love you, Kim!

Sorry about my Drunk Post yesterday, and if you’re one of my drunk dialed friends, I’m sorry for that too. Wish I could say it won’t happen again, but why start lying now? We all know I’ll probably do it again.  :-)  :-)

– Bird

 

lol…It has actually occurred to me to spike ole Chef’s drink with an ambien, but with my luck, he’d be allergic or die or something horrible and I’d go to prison forever and ever. Not.Worth.It. :-( Rotten man. He sleeps like a baby no matter what is going on.. Must be nice.

 

69 thoughts on “Note To Self: Don’t Blog When Drunk, Moron!

  1. Good luck on your new job on Monday. Monday is considred the 8th day in the Hebrew tradition because it marks a new begining. Eight is the number of new beginings, and just as there are only seven notes in a musical scale, when you reach the eight note, you have ascended to the octave or a new begining. The Lord is the Lord of new beginings, always keep that in mind. Be blessed Bird.

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  2. I can relate to your post. I remember those days of ambien and drinking and those mornings of regret. Self-medicating never worked for me and mostly made me feel worse. I’m sorry to hear about your sadness. But I’m blessed to hear of your undying faith in the Lord. You’re not alone and I really appreciate your brutal honesty. That in itself can be very healing and pull us out of rut. Just remember, to not allow Satan a foothold. He loves it when we self-medicate because that’s his way “in”. Congrats on your new job! I too have a new job and even though it can be stressful, I believe God gave it to me and that gives me strength to endure. One thing I’ve always said about myself, is that I can endure alot of b.s.!! I hate drama and chaos too. I treasure the quiteness of my house, and just being alone after a hard day.

    I welcome you to read my latest post.

    (couldn’t figure out how to hyperlink so just copy and paste)

    http://byhisgrace211.wordpress.com/2012/06/24/the-confidence-killer

    It relates a little of what you were talking about in your post.

    Many blessings to you Bird! ~~~Michele

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    • Thank you, Michele. I have a complicated relationship with self-medicating, and especially using alcohol. But I have a hard time tolerating it anymore, so I really don’t drink all that often anymore. But last night, I was simply beside myself, to the point of being manicky and I knew I needed to calm down. I’m seriously not used to freaking out…. I didn’t drink near as much as I used to, but I don’t have a tolerance anymore, I got DRUNK…I like tipsy. I hate drunk. And I really hate drunk and stupid. And last night I was drunk and stupid, but very quickly, asleep! I’ll head over to your site and read your post. Thank you for the kind comment!

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        • lol..Thanks! I took it down because it is not my intention to hold up anyone’s flaws for the world to judge. Especially someone I really, really love. I was out of my mind super angry and hurt, and that was me lashing out at him. But seriously not a cool thing to do. And I have absolutely no memory of writing it at all, which is just too scary for me to think about. I freaked out this morning, between dull heartbeat poundings to my head…. :-) Then, I remembered I’d talked on the phone, and when I pulled up my phone history,I just about died. I talked to several people last night… I’m off booze forever…My dignity and self-respect, much less my reputation, can’t take the beating!

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          • Ugh! I totally get it as I have done the same thing probably over hundred times in my life. Just remember, you are loved by many people on this blog and making mistakes just makes you human my friend. God bless. :-)

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            • I am really blessed by how forgiving and encouraging people are, both on the blog and in real life. I’m surrounded by a lot of kind people, and for that I’m truly thankful. lol….I’m kind of glad to hear I’m not the only one who has done this! I know others have, but I never have actually seen someone else drunk blog before..except for my own!! Thanks for not leaving me in this embarrassing blog club by myself!

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  3. I know where you are coming from and want you to know I support and care for you. Good luck on your new job, I know you will do good. I have a feeling you would look pretty good in your new clothes.

    God bless you Cathy!

    Walk daily with God at your side!

    Ed

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    • Thanks so much, Ed! And luckily, I only have to dress up some of the time for my new job… And, I already know and love my boss, who is also my friend, and she’s is fully aware of my flaws. God really did cut me a break on this one. Being hyper-emotional lately would only stress me completely to death if I had to work for people I don’t know and who have no idea what my private life has been like lately. I’m a terrible actress, and an even worse liar. :-) Good traits for the most part until something cracks my brain!
      lol…I hope I look okay in dress up clothes…I always feel like a great big goofball in heels!

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  4. I just wanted to say thank you Bird. Even in your bleakest time of need, you manage to bless us with your positive outlook. I have been going through a few things also, and you have helped to lift me up. I’m sure you will come out of all this stronger than ever. Oh, one more thing. Don’t fret over the drunk blogging. It was very entertaining to watch you blog half naked with a lamp shade on your head. Just kidding. :) God bless.

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  5. Good luck with the new job!!! I’m glad that the one thing you will always hold on to is God. As I’ve seen so far,He is the only constant. You’ve got us as well!

    P.S. Do you really blog half-naked with a lampshade on your head when you’re drunk and on ambien? O.o

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    • I think the new job will help a lot. I get too focused on stuff, especially when it is all I have to think about. Plus, gaining some independence financially will help me as well. I hate feeling stuck in a circumstance, and lately that feeling has been driving me crazy. It’ll probably be good for Chef, too. He needs to be thinking about what is good for himself instead of depending on me for everything but a paycheck. Isn’t it amazing what ruts we find ourselves stuck in? I would never have guessed I could be so easily shaken by another human being, and yet, I have this inexplicable urge to keep trying to maintain this relationship despite all the pain and disappointments….And that is Jesus, because I’m not one to hang in when there’s too much damage done. My ex-husband didn’t do half the nonsense that this one does, and yet I barely shed a tear when I walked away. This husband really, really took up residence in my guarded heart, and I guess he’s going to stay there forever…despite my best efforts to evict him! So, for the moment, I’m reluctantly admitting I am in this for the duration…. :-)

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  6. I just wanted to stop by real quick and let you know that I am back and will be catching up on your blog. I have had a busy month. I am just now getting to where I am catching up on stuff, including wordpress. I posted a blog with all the details. Be sure to check it out. My son was born, I was sworn into office and now the city has a vendetta against me. Very interesting stuff going on here.

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    • My, you’ve been really, really busy this last month! Congratulations on the birth of your son and being elected; sorry that the city is attacking you. I will go catch up…

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  7. A lot of bloggers tend to censor themselves so much that what you end up reading is all brain and no heart. Reading your blog is like swimming in the sea of your personality. I don’t think I’ve ever blogged while drunk (I just get sleepy) but I have blogged under the influence of a lot of angst, which for me is the same thing. It can be painful and embarrassing, but I think it’s what people appreciate the most…a chance to connect to another human being and to realize that there are other people in the world who feel just like we do.

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    • That is a wonderful compliment! Thank you, James! I hate not being in control of myself, whether hyper emotional or intoxicated to the point I can’t remember what I’ve said or done…Turns out, when left to my own devices, I’m kind of an idiot, and when I drink too much, everyone gets a healthy dose of my weaknesses, flaws, and most embarrassingly, my mouth! All the things I don’t want to be known for comes dribbling out, and then the next day, I wrack my brain for hours trying to remember every word and every deed in case I needed to make ammends. It is a ridiculous and unnecessary routine, and is the main reason I’ve quit drinking much anymore. But, alas…I am sitting here doing this again. Waste of time..I can’t remember much from last night. God only knows what I actually said on the phone. At least the blog had written words to be reviewed later.. :-) But, I am pretty good at saying I’m sorry, drunk or sober, especially these days, so there’s that one upside to be happy about. :-)
      I really appreciate that you think my writing has heart..that really makes me feel better. :-)

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  8. Baby bird, as far as connecting with other people and helping them is concerned? Hee-hee, do I get to say “I told you so?!” Just look at all these comments of people who’s lives you’ve touched in a positive way! :)
    Much love,
    Victoria

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    • lol..Talk about a forgiving crowd…I’m more than a little blessed at the amount of grace people have always shown me…..Also, thanks for the chat last night..I don’t remember much after the initial hello, but I’m pretty sure by the timer on my cell phone that you hung with me to the end of my rant and probably witnessed the exact moment I quit making any sense whatsoever. . I am truly, truly sorry for flipping out emotionally, but very thankful you helped me through it….You’re a good friend, Vic!

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  9. It’s funny how we both seem to move in syncronized moves. Right now life is pretty crappy, but I’m trying to work myself out of it. Seems like you’re doing the same. Did you by chance drunk-comment on my post? Anyway, my point it: We are to freaking awesome to throw in the towel.

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    • WordPress just deleted my whole response to you. Now I am going to have to start all over again. I probably drunk dialed WP last night too….
      Yes, I probably commented on all the WordPress sites that I love the most. I’m too afraid to read anymore drunk comments I made…I have no idea what I was trying to say most of the time. Hopefully, people will one day forget I made them, but for the moment, they are mocking me all across the Blog Universe. :-)

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  10. Good luck with the new job tomorrow. Work can be an effective remedy to a lousy situation… albeit not a cure, but it helps keep an overactive mind occupied. BTW, I’m with you on the hose ‘n heels. I don’t even own any!

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  11. I like peace and quiet. No yelling, no arguing, no drama whatsoever.
    your comment there is what i like in my life, but god placed me here in the middle of chaos ville. i don’t know why. i hope to have quietness again one day but until then i will keep on truckin…..good luck with your job Bird. it has come at the perfect time for you

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    • It must be something in the air. Everyone seems to be living with some kind of drama that is sucking the peace right out of everything. I hope you find your peace and quiet again soon! In the meantime, I know you’ll tough it out like the champ you are. You’re a resilient, tough little cookie, despite your awesome sweetness and gentleness.You’re the whole package, and I am watching you grow in the Lord as much as you are watching me learn my rough lessons too.
      I’m always impressed by your handling of stresses that would make my brain melt. You are tougher than even you realize. Keep on keeping on, Terry. You make me hopeful… :-)

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      • that is what we have in this life, hope, faith. i don’t trust as much as i maybe should, but getting burnt by people tends to make me lack in the trust department, but i do pray for others, which is something i didn’t used to do. i have forgiven more people than i ever have and i know that god is helping me each day as he is you also. so Bird, hang on to the hope, for hope plus God= winners!!

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  12. I had turned off the computer and gone to bed when it occurred to me that maybe I should clarify something… I was not referring to the sh*t you are going through with Chef. There is no good reason for some sh*t that happens. I meant the job opp as a result of the drunk dialing… although upon rereading that part of your post, maybe you already had the job?
    Anyway, have a good night. I hope you get some sleep.

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    • lol…Yes, I already had the job, and I’ve drunk dialed Kim many times over the years. She’s very aware of my current meltdown and is always there to help me get my feet back on solid ground. She’s a true friend…

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    • lol….I feel foolish about flipping out, but I can’t help but laugh at the irony of whole pathetic drama played out for all the world to see. I am usually so careful with what I write about, so this writing by the seat of my butt thing just makes me absolutely crazy!! And it’s already done. I can’t unring that bell!! Now, all I can do is laugh about the whole pathetic thing….I call it my Lost Night…in honor of John Lennon. :-)

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  13. I didn’t see a thing wrong with the blog. That is how you felt at the moment, and it was real. I love real people. You don’t have to pretend or be tempted to pretend in front of them. Life is real, we have to deal with it the best way we can. Sometimes it will be good, sometimes not so good. But it’s life, and life’s good inspite of the challanges! Thumbs up on your new job. Let us know how it goes. Blessings to you Bird!

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    • Thank you so much for that encouragement. I really feel the love today, and that helps ease the feelings of embarrassment. God bless every one of you!
      I’m really excited about my job tomorrow, though I have a feeling I’m not going to be able to sleep tonight, which always bums me out. But I can’t risk ambien tonight, and vodka is my sworn enemy now. Looks kind of bleak, but I’m ever hopeful… :-)

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  14. Life can just suck sometimes. I didn’t read your previous post, and I think you removed it because I can’t open it? But, everything about what you’re going through at the moment sucks. Except that you will probably come out stronger on the other side, but I’m sure at this point that is not much of a consolation. I am so happy for you that you got a job – I wish you the best of luck there. It will be good for you to be busy every day. :)

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    • Thank you, Zelmare. Yes, I removed it. It wasn’t all that bad on the surface, but my intentions weren’t anything I am proud of.

      I started my new job today, and already I’m feeling so much better. I know God did this just for me right when I needed Him to help me the most…I know for sure He’s got my best interests at heart despite all this stuff. I’ll make it through this trial, bruised up a bit, but a little wiser for the experience. :-)

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  15. Bird…you need sleep and want to avoid the ambien and the alcohol…Melatonin. It is a natural supplement that a friend who has fibro told me about because I was having such a hard time getting to sleep at night, insomnia from pain, worry, anxiousness, and more. The way she explained how it works is that it replaces some of the hormones we lose as we age, or that we lose through illnesses like fibromyalgia, and other illnesses. Well, I have taken the Melatonin for 3 nights now, and within 15 to 20 minutes of taking it, I’m asleep, and even my husband has noticed a difference. I wake up at 8 a.m., refreshed and I’m not worn out and cranky like I use to be. I even noticed that my skin looks healthier, in fact glowing healthy, and less dried out. The plus is that this is not as addictive as other meds. You should check with your doctor and see if this would be better than the Ambien. I can tell you it lets me sleep normal, and not wake with a hangover type headache, and it allows me to still be aware of what is going on in the house and awake alert enough to deal with them. It is helping me get back to a regular sleep schedule and have more energy in the daytime when I need it. Just a thought, but before you use it make sure it is okay with your doctor, and that you aren’t using alcohol or ambien with it.

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    • I’ve had this sleep problem since I was a kid, and my mother and all four siblings have had it as well. I have been put on a lot of sleep medications over the years, and while some worked great, they also exasperated a thyroid problem I have and were simply too dangerous to use. I don’t care much for ambien, mainly because I sometimes am active and doing things when my brain is obviously asleep. They don’t always work, and they never keep me asleep for long. Several doctors have told me by now that it is probably some kind of genetic thing and there isn’t much I can do about it. When I get stressed, I get even less sleep because I can’t seem to make my brain stop. Vodka obviously makes my brain stop working, but the sleep isn’t refreshing.
      Last night, I was able to fall asleep for longer than usual, and I wasn’t medicated in any way. I’ve managed to maintain a life around this problem for a lot of years, and now that things are easing up, I’m thinking I’ll get more sleep. I’ll check with my doctor about the supplement you suggested and see if it is safe to try. Thank you for the advice..I know you are right!

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      • Booze will get you to sleep but it won’t keep you asleep. The same for a lot of so-called sleep meds. It screws up your sleep cycle. I should know since I have sleep apnea and had to go through two sleep studies in a lab. Reducing stress is probably the only thing that’ll work over the long haul, but of course, that’s easier said than done.

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        • I know you’re right, but sometimes I’ll take anything to get some kind of sleep at all. But booze is the worst. I have to be super desperate to do that these day.It takes me days to recover.

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      • The joys of having a hyper brain…huh…lol?! I’m that way too…the brain won’t stop most of the time, and I’m making lists of things to do, going through conversations or writing that I need to take care of. I’ve even thought through recipes, meals and birthday or holidays that were months away. But with this I don’t even deal with this once I lay down, I just have a peaceful and restful sleep like I should be having. It is really helping to get my sleep schedule back in place. I’m in bed asleep by 11 now and awake at 8 am. My energy level is higher in the day then it has been for years. Now all I got to do is get my legs, back and arms to move as fast as my brain is during the day…lol. I’m glad you are going to check with your doctor first, especially with the thyroid problem. Melatonin is sold over the counter in the vitamin section of most stores like WalMart, and if you can use it and it helps you, then I will be happy for you. One thing that you will like is that when you get up in the morning your brain won’t still be on sleep mode.

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  16. Bird,

    I swear you’re my twin soul. Everything you write sounds like me… I too take Ambien! And if I drink liquor, the ONLY thing I drink is Vodka. Since I’ve been blogging (which hasn’t been long) I made one tiny, little drunk post. I was humiliated and immediately deleted it the next day! LOL! Don’t beat yourself up, baby. I know you’re doing your best! God’s very, very best to you. I am going to pray for you, darling.

    Love,
    Ava

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