I have a confession to make.
I haven’t written in almost two weeks for two big reasons. One is that I’ve been getting adjusted to working again and had a major
deadline to reach, (which I did, Thank You God), and the other is more emotionally charged. It is because it seems that whenever I write that my marriage is getting better, something happens that throws me a curve ball again, and I feel like I’ve spoken too soon. I know it has nothing to do with what I’m writing, but I started feeling like I was “jinxing” the whole relationship when I write about it!
The whole reaction got me to wondering about why I seem to be such a “black or white” person. It seems to me that I’m either “all in” or “all out”. In the past, before Chef began his Midlife Crisis, a skirmish here or there never felt like it was anything more than what it was — a temporary disagreement. But these days, it seems bigger. It feels like if we don’t see eye-to-eye, I should start looking for an apartment to retreat to. It’s a new feeling to me, and I don’t like it at all. While it would be easier for me to stop talking about all that has happened in 2011 and half of 2012, I feel it would be like throwing away a lot of opportunities to learn things about my own character. And so, I’m going against my fleshly instincts to just pretend this is a Lennon Lost Year, and instead, embrace the very valuable lessons that I, and Chef, have had to learn about ourselves.
The truth of the whole matter is just that even before all of this started, Chef and I have always clashed on some things. It wasn’t World
War III or anything. It was just differing opinions about a few things that neither of us are willing to concede defeat on. But even though it is pretty clear that we are coming out of the Valley of the Shadow of Darkness, nerves are exposed, and until some healing takes place, words and actions must be carefully thought out before delivery. This is something I do way better than old Chef does. I told him that when it comes to decisions, I’m a chess player, and he’s a Tic-Tac-Toe player.
But, as the passage of time has begun to heal up some pretty awful wounds, I’m able to let little things bounce off of me, and he’s doing the same. And because I think satan would really, really hate it, I know I need to keep writing about all of this. It just seems to me that since I started writing and communicating with other people about my God and my marriage, he’s been attacking me on every level of my life I care about. If that isn’t a resounding affirmation I’m on the right track, I don’t know what is.
So, here I go. My marriage is most definitely on the mend. My Chef has been taking all the steps necessary to become well again. He has not slipped up in almost a whole month, and yesterday he apologized to two of our three children about how he has been behaving. A real apology that came from his own broken heart, and it wasn’t because I told him he needed to. We’ve been spending time together, and he’s making me laugh again. It seems like I haven’t laughed in a million years.
He still has some ways to go when it comes to my ability to completely trust him again, but I find that I can relax my guards more and more each day. Even though he and I fall on our faces a lot, we also have learned to get back up and try again. This isn’t a huge big lesson for me…I’ve spent much of my life with my face in the dirt. But for Chef, it has always been easier to walk away from a big mess he’s created and start over somewhere far, far away, instead of embracing the humility that goes along with mistakes, and begin working on fixing that mess. Yet, that is exactly what he is trying to do right now, and frankly, I’ve always been more interested in seeing him at least try to do the right thing, even if he consistently fails. It is the trying I care about more than the succeeding.
Humility is actually a very powerful thing if you think about it. What two words in this world are more powerful than “I’m sorry”? And what words mean less than “I’m sorry but …”? I’ve found in my life that most people I’ve encountered are completely willing to forgive you when true humility and repentance is shown. Everyone who has a crumb of self-awareness knows that we all mess up in this life, and when we deal with someone who has messed up, it is rather easy to forgive when that person admits to their blunders and apologizes for them, with out offering excuses or blame. Why do you think satan tries so very hard to make us give ourselves and others excuses for our behaviors? It because that dilutes the true beauty of a real apology.
Yesterday, I watched my Chef put my theories on humility and real repentance into action with another person that he had indirectly hurt with all of this, and he got exactly the reaction I thought he would get. Forgiveness. Acceptance. Harmony. Peacefulness. It was kind of an eye-opener for the guy, and it reassured me that God knew what He was doing. He is turning even this disaster area into something that will be a witness to His Glory.
I’m happy right now. I’ve been happy for weeks now. Thank you, Lord. And thank you to all of you who sent me emails and messages making sure I was still alive and kicking out here. I never forgot about you; I just needed to see if things were really on the mend.
- A Midlife Crisis on Steroids (xminus1.wordpress.com)
- Humility vs Pride (graceandgritforlivinglife.wordpress.com)
- Humility is Beautiful (peacefulwife.com)
- All We Need Is Love….And Maybe Prozac (birdmartin.wordpress.com)
- Respect Yo’ Spouse Befo’ You Wreck Yo’ Spouse (peacefulwife.com)
- Are You Having a Midlife Crisis? (everydayhealth.com)
- The Male Midlife Crisis (everydayhealth.com)
- It’s time to relax! (lightandspiritmotivator.wordpress.com)