Taking Off the Rose Colored Glasses and Getting On With Life

I had a really good day today. 

There are a lot of things I find ironic right now. For one thing, Chef used to sing this song called “Rose Colored Glasses” to me that I just have always loved. Chef can sing really, really well. He has a beautiful voice. And every once in a while he would sing it to me at karaoke nights at a few bars that we would go to. But, for the last few weeks, I starting to really hear the words to that song, and I have to admit, I’ve been clinging on to some Rose Colored memories.

The truth of the matter is that lately I have only gotten phone calls from Chef when he needs something. Even as blinded by love as I’ve been, it is hard to miss that two minutes after I get the “I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life losing you” speech, it is immediately followed by “I have no money. Would you buy me some gas for my bike and a pack of cigarettes?” And after I say no, I’m barraged with condemnations about what kind of Christian I am. Mmmmm…That is enough to make a girl’s brain bleed. I’m not God‘s best, shining example of what His children should look like, but I’m not falling for that manipulative move either.

I have to say that drugs are just the most evil of things. Somehow, this substance has taken so many of the beautiful characteristics I loved in this man and made them disappear like a Vegas Magic Show. Today, I had a really nice conversation with my mother-in-law. She, like I, will always love Chef, and we both miss the man that he once was. It was nice to remember some of the really fun stories we had about this fun-loving man and to reminisce about some of his funnier moments. These days, his spark is all but gone, and the flesh that the devil has been carefully grooming in him has choked out some really outstanding traits he once had. It is the deepest desire of my heart that he will someday reclaim some of those unique characteristics. I believe he will.

God can heal anything Satan can do to us, but only if we want Him to, and right now, Chef still believes that he can manage this descent into hell without help. My heart is sad for him, because I know for a fact; this is just one of the worst roads a person can take. I’ve watched addictions steal people’s souls all throughout my life, and it is always a horrible thing to behold. It is slow, agonizing, and its destruction isn’t limited just to the addict….it tears up everyone around him/her as well. In our case, I have three children who, while young adults, don’t understand at all how they’ve suddenly become fatherless by his choice. As their mother, I’m helpless to explain other than that it is the shame that he is feeling that has made him push away anyone who knows the truth. And when you are desperately trying to hide the truth from even yourself, you certainly aren’t going to want to see that truth in anyone else’s eyes either.

Chef has isolated from himself all the people who can’t be lied to, can’t be blamed, and won’t buy the excuses, and sadly that is his wife, his children, his mother, and some once very, very close friends. At one time, I felt so desperately lonely, but I’m thinking now, he is probably much lonelier than I have been. Satan is very good at what he does.

I’ve set my boundaries in place, and while I sometimes second-guess whether I can maintain this wall I’ve erected around my heart, I’m well on my way to healing. I’ve begun proceedings to divorce him, as I need him to stop seeing me as a back-up plan, a convenient excuse, and an ATM machine, but I can assure you, I hate that it has come to this. I’d toss this case out in a heartbeat if my husband would do a fraction of the work it would take to rebuild, but as of this moment, he is unable and unwilling to even try.

These days, I can see the future without him, and in it, I’m still able to be happy. That is a big step for me.  An agonizing one, but still more positive than the life I’ve been leading for the last year.

Today, Chef must have been going through something that was really freaking him out, because he went all out with his insults and anger, threatening to tear my life up, blaming me for the problems he’s having, and rubbing my face in his affair. He’s been somewhat mean in the past, but today, he took it to a really new level, and it through me off-balance. I’ve not experienced the truly cruel side of him ever…Frankly, I never guessed he even had one. And, yes. It worked for about 30 minutes. For a guy who has some significant skeletons in his closet, he sure was courageous and vindictive.

But, then it occurred to me that none of this was actually about me.  I realized that this anger and hatred spewing from his mouth, while aimed in my direction, wasn’t really about me at all.  My own anger and hurt gave way to just this deep sadness for him. His life has taken a really bad turn, and it is just really heartbreaking to see someone descend into that kind of pain. I’m sad for him. This story is just so cliché. Even sadder is that anyone who is meeting him for the first time lately will never know just what a really cool guy he used to be.

My prayer for Chef now is that God manifest His power to the man, and that when every bridge has been burned, every friend has grown tired of being used, when the luster of false idolatry has worn away, and the truth of what has happened to this man’s life finally can no longer be ignored, that Jesus be right there to lift his face from the pig’s trough and remind him that He has a Father who will kill the fatted calf and throw a party for him when he returns home. I ask that you all pray for Chef. His life looks horrible right now.

As for the motorcycle club, I’m no longer welcome in it, and that is okay too. This club has become an idol for too many people, and while in and of itself, it is not a bad thing, it isn’t something God is going to allow His children to make more important than He is. Nothing on this earth should outrank God, Spouse, Children, or Work. Should anything ever be placed on the thrones of our lives that are not in the priority list God designed for our lives, He will take it away. I don’t feel all that upset about being deserted by this club as it never was on a throne in my life. I loved Chef long before he rode in a motorcycle club, and I was happy for him because he had found this family-like community that seemed to fill some need in himself. But, in the last few years, I’ve watched my husband elevate it to an idol in his life, and that has been hard to watch.

I will miss some of the people, and the camaraderie of it was fun at times. But most of these  people who once proclaimed to be my friends also welcomed my husband’s infidelity and his drug use, and therefore, there is no trust. Trust is important in friendships, and anything that encourages the destruction of a marriage is not something I can nor will embrace. It is said that these people will take a bullet for each other, but unfortunately, I’ve seen my husband become very, very ill, and from my perspective, the only person who loved him enough to do the really, really hard things to save him from himself was me…..no one else. I have watched a lot of people come and go in this thing, and only one thing really sticks out to me….loyalty is fleeting. And isn’t just in this club. It is in every form of social groups. Churches, gangs, motorcycle clubs, even police officers all proclaim a great love and loyalty for one another…until suddenly it is all gone. Some of my favorite people who used to be in our inner circle of friends are gone now, and most of the time, it has been painful to watch because every single one of them seemed to have no other god in their lives but a social club. And when it was suddenly yanked away from them, they floundered, looking to fill that void with something else of equal value, only to find that there is nothing that fills that void but the Lord. Nothing.

I’m not alone anymore. I’ve developed this wonderful set of friends that I can trust and who continue to check up on me, help me, and encourage me. Yes, some of them are in still in the m/c lifestyle, but a good portion of them are not, and I’m watching my new life come together built on a much better, solid foundation. I am happy. Each day, I get a little more peace, hope, and happiness. I laughed my butt off at dinner this evening with my daughter and her boyfriend, and even a snotty text message from Chef couldn’t break through that joy. Sadly, I’m no longer in love with him. I care deeply about what happens to him, but the butterflies in my stomach I used to get are gone. Sad, but true.

On another note, I went to church Sunday for the first time in years. I only went to Sunday School, and I’m going to have to admit, I liked meeting some new people. They are studying The Pilgrim’s Progress, which is just one of my very favorite books ever.

So, thank you, thank you, thank you for every single prayer! Obviously, God is hearing you all and heaping blessings on me left and right. And please keep praying for Chef, too. He’s our brother in the Lord, and he is worth every prayer we send up for him.

Love you all!!

– Bird

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25 Comments

  1. Father, today I give You every frustration, every aggravation, every difficulty. I release total control into Your loving and able hands. Speak to my heart and give me Your peace. Show me Your love as I place my hope in You in Jesus’ name. Amen.

    I added Chef to my prayer list, you have been there for a while. I am glad you are finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and are getting your life back to somewhat normal.

    Your friend,

    Ed

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    • Thank you for the prayers for both me and Chef. If God ever grabs hold of that guy’s heart, satan better watch out….He’d be a dangerous weapon against the kingdom of hell. That is what I pray for. My peace is returning, and I have a lot of people’s prayers to hold me up. I appreciate them!

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  2. Sadly with any addiction it takes hitting rock bottom and in many cases losing all you hold dear before they wake up and see the problem I fear with friends egging him on chef still has a way to fall before he sees the truth all you can do is be there for the kids as they are forced to watch his fall from grace and pray that when rock bottom comes they will have the strength to forgive him

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    • I’ve seen it so many times. It is really hard to watch! But like I said, anything that he uses to put in God’s place, he will lose. Rock bottom always shows up.

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  3. I am praying for you and Chef daily. And I am so encouraged by the way you are able to see what is going on very clearly and look on him with sadness instead of anger. It seems to me like you are seeing him as God sees him. I’m so proud of you and all that God is doing in your life. I WISH you weren’t going through this unbelievably awful time. But I have every hope that God is going to use even this mess for good somehow and for His glory in the end. Thank you for sharing your heart and your story. I admire your courage and faith in Christ so much!

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    • Thanks, Peaceful. I’m glad the anger phase didn’t last long. I hate being angry. This is a much easier place for me to function from. I appreciate you continuing to pray for us. You’ve been very helpful with your advice. I appreciate you.

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  4. Reading how far you’ve come gladdens my heart. You sound as though you’ve found peace of mind and as if you’ve seen that beautiful rainbow that slowly appears after a heavy storm <3<3<3

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    • lol…I do love a good rainbow!! <3

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      • Lol, of course you would! It would look great on the side of Thelma and Louise van ( hope I got their names right :-D ) and maybe a splash on the front windscree, leaving just enough room for us to see out of ;-)

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  5. mike and brandy

     /  August 28, 2012

    bird,
    don’t be suprised that chef’s guilt has turned to anger and manipulation in lieu of repentance. i’m praying for his salvation/repentance but failing that, i’m praying for your safety and peace in the storm.

    also, some rainbows for you today…. try this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eWM2joNb9NE&feature=player_detailpage

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    • lol…Ok. Mike. I’m not really sure what to say other than I laughed because that was one of the most random youtube videos I’ve ever seen, and I loved it, but I’d never guess in a million years that you would send something like that to me. LOL!!!

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  6. Dear Bird,

    thank you for this post. Addictions are not only drugs but whatever a person sells their soul for. The last realtionship I was in I was told, ” I think I sold my soul to the devil for music.” At the time I did not realize how true that was. What really spoke to me in your post is that people will isolate themselves from those that know the truth because they can not face it in themselves let alone in the eyes of somebody that cares about them. That sentence of yours explains so much of what I have experienced in the last couple of months.

    Your honesty and words have helped me a lot today in my struggles.

    thank you

    Ivonne

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  7. i am so happy for you that you have friends you can count on and you didn’t sway from God because of the pain of Chef. Prayers will be said for Chef, because as you said, he is one of God’s children, who has strayed and is now traveling the crooked road with no light at the end. You are strong as I have said before, and you are going to make it and be free and happy!!!!

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    • Thanks, Terry!! You are very right. I’m on a much more hopeful path these days, and I feel stronger each day. Chef is one of God”s children too, and God has plans for his life. I’ve learned first hand what it looks like to run away from God, and it always blows. Thank for you encouragement!!! <3 U LOTS!!

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  8. So well said— a lot of other people are going through what you are out there and hopefully this blog will help them to take off their rose colored glasses and see life as it really is. I’m glad you are returning to church that is truly a good step forward to growing in the Lord.

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    • Thanks, Churchbus!! I was really nervous going back, but I made myself do it, and now I’m looking forward to returning.

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  9. Thank you Lord for hearing and answering prayer….I am so glad to hear that you are coping through what has to be one of the most troublesome times in your life..and I know you’ve been through a lot. And that you have friends that are helping you through it …is good to hear also. I will continue prayer of course for you and also for Chef as no one likes to see a person self-destruct…..Diane

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    • I know God hears your prayers, Diane. Sometimes, you come to my mind in prayer, and I pray for you as well. Thank you for being faithful to pray for my family!

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  10. I just want to mention I am just new to blogs and really loved this website. Almost certainly I’m planning to bookmark your site . You absolutely have outstanding stories. Thanks a bunch for revealing your blog.

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  11. Bird, your story resonates with me in that lonely lonely place when friends desert you in your darkest hour. I am so happy for you that you have a new group of true friends to surround you during this difficult time.

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  12. Only wanna remark that you have a very decent web site, I enjoy the layout it really stands out.

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  13. Very well written story. It will be helpful to anyone who usess it, as well as me. Keep up the good work – looking forward to more posts.

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  14. Re: The person who made the comment that this was a good website truly needs to possess their brain evaluated.

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