Ceasing From Anger; Forsaking Wrath; Waiting on the Lord

Today, I woke up very, very sad….again. I’ve been doing better, and it is my thought that some of that was this moat of anger that I’d put up around my

Better days.

heart for the last week or so. I, like my son, have always held out this tiny bit of hope that Chef would hit such a rock bottom, that he would be moved to at least truly apologize for all that he has done to this family, and takes some steps in the right direction to prove to us we were important enough to him to try to help us heal. Maybe not reconcile, but at least show some emotion that would say he felt bad about the pain he has inflicted on not just me, but his children as well. We kept expecting the old Chef to suddenly wake up somewhere in there and be horrified by all that he has been saying and doing. My girls didn’t hold out that hope at all, and for some reason, they seem better for it. It is like they’ve accepted that the old Chef is gone, and this new one is not one they care to know. But DJ and I just seem stuck. I would give my right arm to feel like the girls do, but while I’m healing up and feeling better most days, I have mornings like this one where I am very sad all over again. Chef used to write me love letters and I keep finding them all around me. Words that once made my heart sing now just mock me. They are everywhere! Stuck in my bible, in my briefcase, even in boxes of stuff that I packed up in a hurry to leave the house.

I cried out to the Lord today, asking Him how long can this go on? Yes, I’m usually feeling better, but days like this feel like set-backs to me. And I feel somewhat ashamed that he has moved on from me so easily, ashamed that I’ve been so easily manipulated by him all these many months, and yet I’m still stuck in this mire of grief that I can’t seem to get out of. He called the police on my precious daughter Rebekkah– not because she threatened him at all, but because he couldn’t get her to be manipulated into his point of view and he will go to any lengths to not hear the truth. And you’ve gotten to know Rebekkah through this blog….she calls it the way she sees it, and she is not easily intimidated.  Many, many times, I’ve heard the wisdom of Jesus come from her mouth, and she is not a good one to talk to if you aren’t willing to hear the truth. She is 100% the most honest person I’ve ever met…Ever. She can not be manipulated from her course. She is steadfast, and this has always caused a problem between her and Chef. Chef’s girlfriend, T, was once Rebekkah’s friend, and they had talked for hours about the Lord, so Rebekkah felt betrayed by this girl too, and she wasn’t shy about pointing out that T spent her whole life going to Christian schools and church 5 days a week, and seemed to have gleaned nothing from it. Trust me. If I ever do something this destructive and sinful, Rebekkah is someone I’d avoid at all cost… :-) Chef went to the lengths of calling the police to have her removed because he did not want to hear what she had to say.

And yet, as protective as I am about my children, I still can’t thrust this man completely from my heart.

I’ve now seen him with his new girlfriend, calling her some of the same sweet names he used to call me, protecting her , and it feels so betraying and twisted because he was the same way about me, and yet, here I am, still crying over all of this. I guess I feel foolish because I believed him all these years, and yet he kept none of his promises to me. I don’t trust easily, and I did trust him. I believed him. I planned all of my future dreams around this person, and it was just all a big lie. My spirit feels crushed all over again.

So, I picked up my bible after crying my heart out, and this is the scripture that I read.  I know most people don’t like to read whole long scriptures, but I think it is important you try to read every word.

“Do not fret because of evildoers, 

Be not envious towards wrongdoers.

For they will wither quickly like the grass and fade like the green herb.

Trust in the Lord and do good; Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness.

Delight yourself in the Lord; And He will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the Lord, Trust also in Him, and He will do it.

He will bring forth your righteousness as the light and your judgment as the noonday.

Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him; Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way, because

of the man who carries out wicked schemes.

Cease from anger and forsake wrath; Do not fret; it leads only to evildoing.

For evildoers will be cut off, but those who wait for the Lord, they will inherit the land.

Yet a little while and the wicked man will be no more; and you will look carefully for his place and he will not be there.

But the humble will inherit the land and will delight themselves in abundant prosperity.

The wicked plots against the righteous and gnashes at him with his teeth. 

The Lord laughs at him, for He sees his day is coming.

The wicked have drawn the sword and bent their bow to cast down the afflicted and the needy,

To slay those who are upright in conduct.

Their sword will enter their own heart,  and their bows will be broken.

Better is the little of the righteous than the abundance of many wicked.

For the arms of the wicked will be broken, but the Lord sustains the righteous.

The Lord knows the days of the blameless, and their inheritance will be forever.

They will not be ashamed in the time of evil, and in the days of famine they will have abundance.

But the wicked will perish; and the enemies of the Lord will be like the glory of the pastures, They vanish —

like smoke they vanish away.

The wicked borrows and does not pay back, but the righteous is gracious and gives.

For those blessed by Him will inherit the land, but those cursed by Him will be cut off.

The steps of a man are established by the Lord, And He delights in his way.

When he falls, he shall not be hurled headlong, because the Lord is the One who holds his hand. 

I have been young and now I am old, yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken or his descendants begging bread.

All day long he is gracious and lends, and his descendants are a blessing.

Depart from evil and do good, so you will abide forever.

For the Lord loves justice and does not forsake His godly ones; They are preserved forever, 

But the descendants of the wicked will be cut off.

The righteous will inherit the land and dwell in it forever.

The mouth of the righteous utters wisdom, and his tongue speaks justice.

The law of his God is in his heart; His steps do not slip.

The wicked spies upon the righteous and seeks to kill him.

The Lord will not leave him in his hand or let him be condemned when he is judged.

Wait for the Lord and keep His way, And He will exalt you to 

inherit the land; when the wicked are cut off, you will see it.

I have seen a wicked, violent man spreading himself like a luxuriant tree in its native soil.

Then he passed away, and lo, he was no more;

I sought for him, but he could not be found.

Mark the blameless man, and behold the upright;

For the man of peace will have a posterity.

But transgressors will be altogether destroyed;

The posterity of the wicked will be cut off.

But the salvation of the righteous is from the Lord;

He is their strength in time of trouble, The Lord helps them

and delivers them; 

He delivers them from the wicked and saves them, because they take refuge in Him.”

Psalm 37

I guess lately, I’ve been fretting and envious because I don’t have a lover to comfort me or tell me that I’m innocent, or that I didn’t deserve all of this to happen, or blah blah blah…I’ve been lonely for my husband for a year now, and yet he has someone he lies in their arms and is comforted. I know that sounds self-pity-ish, but it is just the truth. I’ve been with this man almost my entire adult life, and now, I have a whole different kind of life, and I don’t feel safe or stable in it. I always feel a little afraid. I get moments where I could use a man telling me  he thinks I’m pretty, or smart, or a good mother, or that he is going to make everything okay. These are things Chef once did for me, and now does for someone else. Talk about painful!

I know that people say make Jesus your husband now, but frankly, I don’t really know how one would go about doing that. Jesus is my Lord, and I do know that every single time I’ve needed something, He has provided it. I do trust He has all of this under control. But for right now, He can’t hold me physically. He can’t wipe away these tears with His hands, or stroke my hair and comfort me. He does wrap my heart in peace and comfort at times, but I miss sitting across from someone I know cares about me and telling a funny story, hearing about his day, or talking about the kids when they were little, and all the myriad of beautiful things people who have been happily married for decades talk about.

Today, I’ve cried already, and now I’m going to go on with my day. Life marches on, and time stands still for no man, except Joshua..once, but I’m thinking I’m not ranking with him. :-) But, this blog helps me to sort out how I feel and to put into words the sorrow that I still feel over this loss, and I appreciate that people care to listen, encourage, pray, and support me and my family — and even Chef.

Thank you for that.

– Catherine

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30 Comments

  1. Grace

     /  September 2, 2012

    Hun, you’re beautiful, very smart and, according to your kids, a great mother!! Hang in there, it’s tough, it’s sad, it’s going to take time…

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  2. you are grieving it is normal to go through a whole range of emotions one straight after another DJ I have my own opinion on why he wants to see his father realise his mistake, and I think it is because as you have shared with us DJ is battling his own demons and he needs to see that the man he looked up to for so long can conquer his, but DJ will realise he is not his fathers son he is his mothers and the strength he needs shall come from you not the man he thought he could look up to.
    Chef will not find comfort in those arms for long nor will she find comfort in his, what trust or honest belief in each other can come from something built on lies and secrecy? None, everytime Chef is away from her she will always wonder where her place has been taken as she has taken yours, and will he be happy with a clingy girl who will not let him out of her sights hell no, and as for the other women in the club will they ever be dare to befriend her then wonder whether she has her sights set on their husbands aswell, after all she has done it once?
    And what about her church community and her family will they still welcome her with open arms as news spreads as it will as the cracks begin to appear she will turn on chef with bitterness for the choices they have made.

    As for you, you will find peace and you will emerge stronger than ever knowing that while chef may have been important in that he gave you your wonderful kids you were always a whole person without him capable of anything you want to do, that he was not strong enough to recognise that will be his loss and in time another will gain from what he threw away

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    • You made me cry again, Paula. I know you are right. Maybe it is just this loneliness. I know I wouldn’t want to begin a relationship based on all of this, but they do seem happy together, and I guess that hurts me even more. But I also know you are right. There will always be these trust issues, and losing trust in Chef was just one of the hardest parts about this. Thank you for your wisdom. I really needed to hear a logical point of view. I love you, girl!!

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  3. i don’t know if this will help you or not, but when i was going through my divorce, which i wanted, the weekends were hell. no work or responsibilities. i hate the weekends with a passion. only week days that brought work kept my mind sane. so i had to force myself to mingle with activites that got me away from the house, until one day down the road, i was home on a weekend, and i made it through it………………..i love ya, feel for ya, and pray with ya!

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    • Those are very, very wise words, Terry. I think you are right. The more I keep busy, the better I am. Thank you. I love you so much, and I appreciate your prayers!!!

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  4. Love you , Catherine, and am praying too. This is so, so painful. I am reading in Job and one thing that stands out to me from that is just to listen to you and ask Him to comfort you. You are in such a hard hard place . ..I just hate it for you. God bless you and hold you today.

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  5. It’s going to take time to heal. Don’t be so hard on yourself! One day at a time. :-) SAB

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  6. Dear Bird, it’s okay for you to feel sad…there are just tears on the inside that need to come out on the outside.

    I wrote a song about that and I am sharing it with you. I hope that’s okay <3.

    Crying the Love Away (Country Western)

    I never thought I would find myself back here again
    I thought the love we had would make it this time around
    Second chances so far and few
    made it feel like a love so true……..

    sometimes you just have to keep on crying till you get all the crying out of you..
    I just didn't know how much crying I had in me or how much love I still have for you…..
    sometimes life just feels like a country western song

    I thought I found my love so true
    It felt like a fairy tale when I found you
    Twenty years time shoulda made it right
    Twenty years time shoulda made it good
    I thought we had grown up enough to love one another…..

    sometimes you just have to keep on crying till you get all the crying out of you..
    I just didn't know how much crying I had in me or how much love I still have for you…..
    sometimes life just feels like a country western song

    But twenty years time has another story to tell
    of a boy and girl and a love that didn't turn out so well…..
    Life gave us a second chance
    but we weren't grown up enough to love one another still…..
    my heart wants another try but this isn't a fairy tale
    and life not gonna give us a third go around….

    sometimes you just have to keep on crying till you get all the crying out of you..
    I just didn't know how much crying I had in me or how much love I still have for you…..
    sometimes life just feels like a country western song

    I just need to cry out all the love I have for you still….

    ~♥ ivonne p montijo ♥~ © 2012

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  7. Catherine,
    I am still praying. I know this is like he died. But he is still around, just in another world, visible but unreachable. I know it is so hard. It takes at least two years to mourn normal, right death; much longer for wrong death like this. You can put it on hold, but you cannot rush it. At first you process the grief during rest times, like weekends, as noted above. Then later you process it in unguarded times, like family reunions. Then later you process it when you least expect it. Dearest Catherine, no one could handle all this grief at once. God mercifully gave to the strong among us the ability to put it on hold, to rest from it, to recuperate from one crying jag before the next one sets in. I am so sorry you have to learn this first hand. No one really knows it, though, until they have to do it. I know you will come out just fine, as you said in earlier posts, but along the way, you will not look it. Just accept: it hurts. But it hurts in increments.
    Thanks so much for the Scripture. One of my favorites. Guess why . . .
    Much love, Katharine

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  8. You are beautiful, intelligent and an amazing mother!
    Like others have already expressed..this will be a sad time for you..but I think all the feelings and emotions of what you are going through are better out than in.
    You often feel better after you cry about something..keeping things in (in my opinion) sometimes hurts a lot more.
    The relationship that Chef is in won’t last, like Paula said, it has been built on lies and secrecy and one day..all of that will crumble.
    You are so special..don’t ever forget that..”Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning.” (Psalm 30 vs 5)
    xx

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  9. I am still praying for you, Catherine. I think this is worse than the physical death of a loved one because death is not planned whereas this was and rejection is hard to understand and to accept. As others have said, it is not healthy to hold in your emotions as long as you don’t allow those emotions to control your life. I love Psalm 37. I have much of it marked and underlined in my Bible. In a totally unrelated type of situation in my past I cried so much that I often said, after it was over, that I cried enough tears to fill a bathtub. These wounds do not heal overnight. All healing takes time, and the deeper the wound, the longer the healing process. I know how you feel when you say you just want it over. But I know, with your attitude, you will be the stronger person for this experience. And your children will look to you when they need an example to follow and model their lives after. As you continue to look to Jesus, He will bring that healing and the joy of the Lord will once again bubble up within you.

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  10. keeping you in my prayers…

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  11. I would never wish this heartbreak and heartache on anyone. I have seen lives shattered into billions of tiny pieces simply because of one person’s addiction.

    I’m glad you have your kids and your support system, and you have a great web of friends here. I so wish I could wave a magic wand or speak just the right words and make it all better. I do know your heart is as huge as the Big Sky in Montana and you will make it through…

    Hugs & friendship dear one.

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    • Oh, Resilient Heart, my heart wasn’t all that big today, but it got better. It’s ending on a much better note. Thank you for your sweet words and for wishing you could fix it magically for me. I wish you could, too.. :-) But, your words do comfort me.

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  12. I imagine there will of course be times when you feel like you did today. I think after living with Chef and loving him for so many years there are bound to be memories. But with God’s grace and so many prayers we can hope that these times become less and you can move forward. You are as I said before an easy person to care for and to love and I believe you will share that love again with another…but I know that is likely the last things you’ll think about for a while. Take care Catherine…

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