Today, I woke up very, very sad….again. I’ve been doing better, and it is my thought that some of that was this moat of anger that I’d put up around my
heart for the last week or so. I, like my son, have always held out this tiny bit of hope that Chef would hit such a rock bottom, that he would be moved to at least truly apologize for all that he has done to this family, and takes some steps in the right direction to prove to us we were important enough to him to try to help us heal. Maybe not reconcile, but at least show some emotion that would say he felt bad about the pain he has inflicted on not just me, but his children as well. We kept expecting the old Chef to suddenly wake up somewhere in there and be horrified by all that he has been saying and doing. My girls didn’t hold out that hope at all, and for some reason, they seem better for it. It is like they’ve accepted that the old Chef is gone, and this new one is not one they care to know. But DJ and I just seem stuck. I would give my right arm to feel like the girls do, but while I’m healing up and feeling better most days, I have mornings like this one where I am very sad all over again. Chef used to write me love letters and I keep finding them all around me. Words that once made my heart sing now just mock me. They are everywhere! Stuck in my bible, in my briefcase, even in boxes of stuff that I packed up in a hurry to leave the house.
I cried out to the Lord today, asking Him how long can this go on? Yes, I’m usually feeling better, but days like this feel like set-backs to me. And I feel somewhat ashamed that he has moved on from me so easily, ashamed that I’ve been so easily manipulated by him all these many months, and yet I’m still stuck in this mire of grief that I can’t seem to get out of. He called the police on my precious daughter Rebekkah– not because she threatened him at all, but because he couldn’t get her to be manipulated into his point of view and he will go to any lengths to not hear the truth. And you’ve gotten to know Rebekkah through this blog….she calls it the way she sees it, and she is not easily intimidated. Many, many times, I’ve heard the wisdom of Jesus come from her mouth, and she is not a good one to talk to if you aren’t willing to hear the truth. She is 100% the most honest person I’ve ever met…Ever. She can not be manipulated from her course. She is steadfast, and this has always caused a problem between her and Chef. Chef’s girlfriend, T, was once Rebekkah’s friend, and they had talked for hours about the Lord, so Rebekkah felt betrayed by this girl too, and she wasn’t shy about pointing out that T spent her whole life going to Christian schools and church 5 days a week, and seemed to have gleaned nothing from it. Trust me. If I ever do something this destructive and sinful, Rebekkah is someone I’d avoid at all cost… :-) Chef went to the lengths of calling the police to have her removed because he did not want to hear what she had to say.
And yet, as protective as I am about my children, I still can’t thrust this man completely from my heart.
I’ve now seen him with his new girlfriend, calling her some of the same sweet names he used to call me, protecting her , and it feels so betraying and twisted because he was the same way about me, and yet, here I am, still crying over all of this. I guess I feel foolish because I believed him all these years, and yet he kept none of his promises to me. I don’t trust easily, and I did trust him. I believed him. I planned all of my future dreams around this person, and it was just all a big lie. My spirit feels crushed all over again.
So, I picked up my bible after crying my heart out, and this is the scripture that I read. I know most people don’t like to read whole long scriptures, but I think it is important you try to read every word.
“Do not fret because of evildoers,
Be not envious towards wrongdoers.
For they will wither quickly like the grass and fade like the green herb.
Trust in the Lord and do good; Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness.
Delight yourself in the Lord; And He will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the Lord, Trust also in Him, and He will do it.
He will bring forth your righteousness as the light and your judgment as the noonday.
Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him; Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way, because
of the man who carries out wicked schemes.
Cease from anger and forsake wrath; Do not fret; it leads only to evildoing.
For evildoers will be cut off, but those who wait for the Lord, they will inherit the land.
Yet a little while and the wicked man will be no more; and you will look carefully for his place and he will not be there.
But the humble will inherit the land and will delight themselves in abundant prosperity.
The wicked plots against the righteous and gnashes at him with his teeth.
The Lord laughs at him, for He sees his day is coming.
The wicked have drawn the sword and bent their bow to cast down the afflicted and the needy,
To slay those who are upright in conduct.
Their sword will enter their own heart, and their bows will be broken.
Better is the little of the righteous than the abundance of many wicked.
For the arms of the wicked will be broken, but the Lord sustains the righteous.
The Lord knows the days of the blameless, and their inheritance will be forever.
They will not be ashamed in the time of evil, and in the days of famine they will have abundance.
But the wicked will perish; and the enemies of the Lord will be like the glory of the pastures, They vanish —
like smoke they vanish away.
The wicked borrows and does not pay back, but the righteous is gracious and gives.
For those blessed by Him will inherit the land, but those cursed by Him will be cut off.
The steps of a man are established by the Lord, And He delights in his way.
When he falls, he shall not be hurled headlong, because the Lord is the One who holds his hand.
I have been young and now I am old, yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken or his descendants begging bread.
All day long he is gracious and lends, and his descendants are a blessing.
Depart from evil and do good, so you will abide forever.
For the Lord loves justice and does not forsake His godly ones; They are preserved forever,
But the descendants of the wicked will be cut off.
The righteous will inherit the land and dwell in it forever.
The mouth of the righteous utters wisdom, and his tongue speaks justice.
The law of his God is in his heart; His steps do not slip.
The wicked spies upon the righteous and seeks to kill him.
The Lord will not leave him in his hand or let him be condemned when he is judged.
Wait for the Lord and keep His way, And He will exalt you to
inherit the land; when the wicked are cut off, you will see it.
I have seen a wicked, violent man spreading himself like a luxuriant tree in its native soil.
Then he passed away, and lo, he was no more;
I sought for him, but he could not be found.
Mark the blameless man, and behold the upright;
For the man of peace will have a posterity.
But transgressors will be altogether destroyed;
The posterity of the wicked will be cut off.
But the salvation of the righteous is from the Lord;
He is their strength in time of trouble, The Lord helps them
and delivers them;
He delivers them from the wicked and saves them, because they take refuge in Him.”
I guess lately, I’ve been fretting and envious because I don’t have a lover to comfort me or tell me that I’m innocent, or that I didn’t deserve all of this to happen, or blah blah blah…I’ve been lonely for my husband for a year now, and yet he has someone he lies in their arms and is comforted. I know that sounds self-pity-ish, but it is just the truth. I’ve been with this man almost my entire adult life, and now, I have a whole different kind of life, and I don’t feel safe or stable in it. I always feel a little afraid. I get moments where I could use a man telling me he thinks I’m pretty, or smart, or a good mother, or that he is going to make everything okay. These are things Chef once did for me, and now does for someone else. Talk about painful!
I know that people say make Jesus your husband now, but frankly, I don’t really know how one would go about doing that. Jesus is my Lord, and I do know that every single time I’ve needed something, He has provided it. I do trust He has all of this under control. But for right now, He can’t hold me physically. He can’t wipe away these tears with His hands, or stroke my hair and comfort me. He does wrap my heart in peace and comfort at times, but I miss sitting across from someone I know cares about me and telling a funny story, hearing about his day, or talking about the kids when they were little, and all the myriad of beautiful things people who have been happily married for decades talk about.
Today, I’ve cried already, and now I’m going to go on with my day. Life marches on, and time stands still for no man, except Joshua..once, but I’m thinking I’m not ranking with him. :-) But, this blog helps me to sort out how I feel and to put into words the sorrow that I still feel over this loss, and I appreciate that people care to listen, encourage, pray, and support me and my family — and even Chef.
Thank you for that.