Today was kind of a hard day for me, and it all has to do with my court hearing Monday.
One thing that I struggle with is knowing what my real, honest motives are about doing things. On the one hand, I’m not lying, and by the laws of the land, I’m well within my
rights to do this. But from a Christian perspective, I often ask myself if causing hardship on another person, no matter how much they might deserve it, is ever the way the Lord wants us to handle things.
This last week, my kids Rebekkah and Dj have been relatively peaceful. This is a huge improvement from a few weeks ago when they were almost as devastated as I was. We don’t talk about their dad these days much anymore, always choosing to turn our minds to happier, more peaceful things. I’m wanting their healing to continue, and as such, I don’t want them as witnesses in court against their dad, having to relive those horrible moments. They are adults, and they have their own opinions, but I’m the mother, and I’m putting my foot down about this. I think making a child choose a side where the consequences can be pretty bad for the other parent is probably never a good thing. So, I’ve chosen to leave them out of it. No witnesses. I have a few other smaller proofs, but I’m thinking they won’t be enough for a permanent order.
And why do I really want to win? This is the question. I don’t live with him anymore. I don’t talk to him anymore. He’s already taken all of our stuff and hid it or sold it…there is nothing here to recover. I was only in danger at the end there when I was trying to save him from himself, but I’ve learned that harsh lesson very, very well. I can’t save him, so I no longer try. Am I really in so much danger I need this court order, or am I just trying to hurt him like he hurt me? Am I looking for a judge to condemn him so I’ll feel vindicated? And even should the judge do exactly that, even to the point of humiliating him in court, what do I really gain here? Nothing. God is my Vindicator. God is my Protector. God is my Healer. I don’t need a judge or court orders. I only need God.
Yesterday, God answered my prayers in a really big way, and between that and the book I’m writing, I’m feeling the forgiveness that before I was only constantly forcing myself to choose. God has sent me so many messengers about this book to write, and I was constantly putting it off because it is hard to write about the good times knowing that the ending isn’t happy. Yet, I’ve obeyed God, and turns out, it is turning out really well. And as I’m writing it, I’m remembering the laughing, happy, peaceful times, and while I may never have those kinds of times back in my life, I am blessed to have had so many of them to reflect on.
I don’t say that I won’t be happy or peaceful again. I will. But it feels like spiritually God is drawing a firm line in the sand, and I’m finding more and more “Christians” unable to choose to fear the Lord, and are beginning to fall by the wayside. That is grieving Rebekkah to no end, but for me, I only see that we are quickly heading to the end times when the Lord will call us to prove who we are going to serve, and all of us who have read our bibles know, we were never to expect that we would be treated by the world better than Jesus was. We are called to forsake everything for Him, and that isn’t usually a fun choice….Well, not yet, anyways. Once we step into heaven, it’ll all have been worth it.
We serve an Invisible King, and we are citizens of place we can’t see, feel, hear, touch, or taste. We are aliens in a world that constantly provokes the flesh we are dwelling in, and denying that flesh always makes for a constant war within us. Hence, I’m trying to differentiate what is my fleshly need for him to pay for his betrayal and doing what I think is right for me and the kids now. And my motives are very paramount here. I don’t want to fail my King.
And that leads me back to my problem with court. I have clear proof Satan has always hated me, and will do anything to hurt me, always trying to force me to give up. We all know, I’m not giving up my God, so life is going to look different for me, probably from now on. Knowing that, I don’t have much faith in the court system; instead, I’ve put all my trust in the Lord, knowing He loves justice, but also knowing that I am probably going to lose. And you know what? I don’t even care. The Lord is my protector. The Lord will handle all of this if I forgive completely and trust Him to handle my life. It’s becoming easier and easier each day.
This has been a really hard lesson for me, and I’d be lying if I said I don’t ever miss Chef’s smiling face or the way he used to make me laugh. But, even more, I feel like a very loved child of God who was rescued from harm, and that outweighs those weak moments I sometimes feel.
lol…This isn’t a depressing post, only hopefully, one that can show you that healing and learning are processes, and I’m well on my way. Oh, and that motives need to be examined constantly!