Are you guys sick of hearing about the lessons I’m learning? LOL! Well, as this is my journal through this latest trial in my life, get comfortable with watching me stumble, fall, and then get up again. It is just what I do!
Yesterday, out of a desperate need for money for both of us, Chef agreed to let me sell some stuff that we had owned and split the money. It was a gracious offer, and I appreciate it. And during that process, he told me two things that really stuck out to me, and that is what I’m writing about today.
As all of you know, when Chef and I first split up, I was a mess. I was praying, but not really believing that God was hearing me, or trusting that He was in charge of all that I was going through. I already have extreme insomnia problems, so I was doubling up on the ambien so I could just sleep my way through the process, and then when those would run out, I would drink vodka like it was going out of style. Of course, as a Christian, this is very shameful behavior, and I hope no one takes my survival skills to heart. I am woefully weak when it comes to extreme emotions. All I did was make bigger messes, because on the ambien (which obviously wasn’t making me sleep), I wrote terrible, angry messages to both Chef and his new girlfriend, T. The vodka didn’t do that to me, so it was better to not refill the ambien prescription, because I was very ashamed that I hadn’t handled all of that better. Thank the Lord for His grace and mercy, and I’ve been forgiven for all of that. And I’ve forgiven myself as well. But I had planted some weeds in my garden, and yesterday I got a tiny taste of what I’d grown there.
Chef had lots and lots of things to say, but really, I’ve heard all of this stuff before, and I have a filter in my brain to catch the manipulative stuff. He seems hard pressed to hurt my conscience because T, his girlfriend, is, in his words, innocent, naive, and very hurt by what I said to her. He knows very well that I love the Lord, have a conscience, and I hate when I hurt my Lord’s reputation, which I’m sure that I did when dealing with him and T. Where I should have been silent, I was angry and bitter. When I should have walked away and let the Lord handle the vengeance, I instead sent angry texts messages calling her an adulteress and a home-wrecker. Now, yes. They are living in adultery, and my family is wrecked. But the thing to remember here is that even though I was the hurt party in this, I am still not allowed to sit in judgement of anyone else’s life. And for that, I have apologized to both God, Chef, and T a while back. But evidently, T has been holding on with a firm grasp to the adultery things I accused her of, and was refusing to forgive me. ….Really….lol.
I listened for a while as Chef tried to convince me that T was a very good, devout Christian girl who just wants to be his friend because she loves him and doesn’t want him to be alone. When I would mention that you stop being a “good friend” the minute you sleep with someone, he would get angry and accuse me of trying to undermine the special friend relationship they had. Finally, that nonsense ended when I told him that I don’t care about words — I’m seeing the fruit they are both producing, and that is not a crop either of them should be proud of. But, I forgive them both, and I’m trusting the Lord to do what is right in my life, and leaving them to their own specific lessons from the Lord. After that, for a bit, things were peaceful again because I wouldn’t talk about anything other than the happy times when the kids were little. And believe it or not, none of the conversation bothered me at all. No jealousy, no anger, no grief, no pain. Just a peaceful, breezy afternoon cleaning up things and taking pictures to put on Craigslist.
Towards the end of the time together, though, Chef brought up another one of T’s complaints, and this one really struck a chord in me. Her other complaint was that she was ashamed that such a poor Christian as me would write a public blog about God. I took a minute to wrap my brain around that, and for a few minutes I really took a minute to reflect on it. Then, I asked Chef if she has ever read my blog. He said no, they don’t own a computer. Again. Really? How can you judge my work if you haven’t seen it???
Here’s a couple of things I want to say about all of this. I am writing a blog from my own viewpoint, so of course, other people may see some things differently, and I accept that. I try to write as honestly as I can, even the gnarly things that I do. I never want to give my God a black eye, but I also don’t want to lie and make people believe that Christians have these roses and rainbows kinds of lives or that we never mess up in really, really massive ways. But if I didn’t write about all of the trials and tribulations, and the pain and misery that tends to walk hand in hand with those problems, then what value is there in the joy of seeing just how the Lord brought you through it? How do you share the lessons you are learning without explaining how you’ve failed? How do expect people to understand just how merciful our God is if you don’t explain why you needed that mercy? I was angry when I wrote a few posts, but I was very honest. I was hurt, lonely, betrayed, angry, and somewhat bitter. But I was truthful and I owned my own crap.
No. Being a real Christian isn’t a walk in the park, and it isn’t for the weak, but we should always be truly self-aware and honest, both with ourselves and with each other.
So, my answer to both Chef and T is this: I am working through this trial the same as any other person in this world would. I’ve made lots of mistakes, but I’ve also have repented for them. Repentance is not just asking for forgiveness but it also literally means to stop, turn around, and go the other way. There is no forgiveness without repentance. I’m probably going to make tons more mistakes, and as the Lord convicts me, I will repent of those too.
If only perfect Christians were allowed to share His Word, no one would be up to the task. I’ve forgiven both of you even though neither of you have apologized and repented of what you have done to me, the kids, our friends, and even our pets. If you have issues with me writing a blog, too bad, so sad. I feel like the Lord wants me doing this. You can always start your own blog and share the things that you two want to share, but until you’ve read mine, your opinions seem silly to me, especially since you are living together, claiming to be Christians, and not married to one another. Glass houses, people. They are hard to keep clean! I’m harder on myself than I am on either of you most of the time, and I hope that God continues to work in all of our lives. He loves all of us the same, and He wants good things for those who love Him.