Teach Me

Today, I am in need of some advice and I would appreciate any given. I’ve come to really trust a lot of you guys

When I say that I’ve forgiven T and Chef, I really have. I no longer feel any bitterness or anger towards either of them. T feels free now to call/text me about questions she has about the Lord, or her familial problems, and I’m getting the same kinds of calls/texts from Chef. None of that bothers me at all. I love talking about my God. Where I’m confused is, is this some ploy from satan?

I posted this scripture last time I wrote, and since then I’ve been wondering if there is a loophole to it.

17 Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. [o]Respect what is right in the sight of all men. 18 If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men. 19 Never take your own revenge, beloved, but [p]leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord. 20 “But if your enemy is hungry, feed him, and if he is thirsty, give him a drink; for in so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. Romans 12:17-21

Okay. That is what I’ve been doing lately, and the more I do it, the more Chef and T communicate with me. In fact, Chef seems to want to see me every day now, and I hear from T almost every day now too. She started crying when she apologized to me in person, and my heart hurt for her because she just seems like a lost little girl, holding on to Chef like a plank of wood in the middle of an ocean. Now that I’ve really spoken with her, I see how the church she was raised in has really, really let her down. She’s been taught to accept what preachers/pastors say without checking any of it against the Word of God. I always abhor that. No matter what you hear and how much it makes sense, you must always see what the Bible says. She was raised in the Prosperity kind of doctrines, where money is the goal…not righteousness. And if you are not successful, healed, etc., then you just didn’t have enough faith. I HATE that kind of doctrine and every time I hear her try to explain how she sees God, I’m broken for her. In her mind, she’s going straight to hell because she’s displeased her vengeful God. She doesn’t understand grace at all.

Chef and I went to his first counseling session, and I was surprised because he didn’t try to sugar coat any of what has been happening. This is big for him, and though I got sick of hearing about his motorcycle club stuff, he really was trying to be truthful. I was impressed, and it gave me a little hope for him. Instead of fleeing whenever I mention God, he actually asks questions now and seems to be listening to the answers. As we all know, changing the behaviors takes time and effort, but every long journey starts out with the first step. And I think, at least for the moment, he might have taken his first step. That is an answer to one of my prayers.

Where the problem for me is, I’ve been praying that God get Chef out of my heart, and while I’ve felt distantly fond of him, this morning I woke up wondering if I’m supposed to be praying for the restoration of my marriage, not for a quick, painless divorce. I woke up at 2am and that was the first thing I thought. :-(  I seriously can’t imagine him being able to change enough that I can come back. But that is me judging him, isn’t it? And then I wonder if because I’ve been spending some time with both of them, maybe I’m being roped into some weird triangle thing that I shouldn’t be involved in. But I also have noticed that Chef is starting to be somewhat critical of T, and is now trying to lay down new foundations for our relationship. At least, that’s the way it is looking to me. I question his motives, of course, but it really is something different from what I’ve come to expect from him. I’ve been stand-offish about this because at this very moment, he still is living with T. So, where is the line in the sand? Also, I can’t really say I miss a lot of stuff about our marriage anymore. Yes, I was happy. But, I was also very overworked in the peace-keeping areas.

Chef has been extremely hateful and angry at two of our kids — Rebekkah (whose birthday is today!!) and DJ. That alone makes reconciliation impossible at the moment. And I see years of marriage counseling in our future should we decide to try again. Rebekkah and DJ, who are super protective of their mom, want me to refuse to communicate with him at all, but I don’t feel that the Lord wants me to. They don’t get how I could possibly feel motherly about T, and yet I just do.

I guess I would just like some advice from other people, because I’m conflicted in what I should be doing. I’ve prayed that God’s will be done in this matter, but I’m a tiny bit afraid His will might be healing our marriage instead of just letting me move on with my life without him. Would you guys pray, too?

Any insights would be appreciated because as always, I want my motives to be without question godly, and my God’s will be done, not mine.

 

Thank you all!!

– Bird

 

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44 Comments

  1. Grace

     /  September 29, 2012

    Once again, I admire your ability to forgive, although I can’t help but think this cannot be good for you… but what do I know? it’s not for me to say what the Creator is or isn’t doing in your life. I am praying for you.

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    • I believe your instincts are correct. I’m being drawn in because that is what I feel comfortable with, but if it is always causing me to get a little confused, it is probably wrong. When I know I’m firmly planted in what God is doing, I feel clear-headed and clean. This has made me nervous and yet was feeding something in me that I think stems from being abused as a kid. You know, that comfort in familiar patterns. I’m going to distance myself. Thank you for your advice, Grace. I truly appreciate you being direct and honest. I respect that so much!!

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      • Grace

         /  September 29, 2012

        You’re welcome. Yes, I’ve been thinking of you today and your situation, and suspected the reason you keep returning must be deeply rooted in your psyche. I worried when you put the kibosh on the restraining order. Didn’t you originally put that in place for your own protection… to protect you from yourself? I understand, though. Self-doubt has a way of creeping in and leading us astray.
        Check out psalm 13, that’s the one I pray for you

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  2. Catherine..here goes..I believe that by you forgiving Chef and T you did what God would want you to do…for your sake and for them. However by becoming entangled in what is now ‘their lives’ you are complicating matters. Your daughter and son I believe should be where your effort lies now…to help them get over this whole traumatic affair.

    I believe it is really time to “Let go and Let God’. You know ultimately it is the Holy Spirit’s job to bring them to a right relationship with Jesus. I think that Chef and T. are using you to support ‘their’ relationship and I believe that ultimately God will intervene and decide what is right or not..

    With regard to whether you should be praying for a reconciliation with Chef…I think perhaps you should pray for God’s will to either change Chef and reconcile or give you a peace that it is better not to do so.Because if you reconcile and he is not a changed man with a heart for the Lord, you are setting the stage for a repeat ‘performance’ (I couldn’t think of a more proper word)

    As I began this comment I will finish with the thought…I believe it is time to let go and pray for God to work in the situation and remove yourself as the person to support both Chef and T.

    Sorry if that’s not what you wanted to hear….Diane

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    • Please don’t apologize! I asked for the advice, and I truly want truthful answers. I’m so entangled, I need outside perspectives!! And I love the “repeat performance” phrase…very accurate.

      Thank you, Diane!!!

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  3. first off, say happy birthday to your daughter from me.
    it is a complicated journey you are traveling right now. there are many emotions. yes, you have forgiven, but love still remains, along with memories. God may be using you as the torch that will lead Chef and T to the Lord. You can be happy for this but also it would still be a test seeing if you truly trust the god. maybe through helping answer questions and text, somewhere deep inside is is also a plus to be able to talk to Chef and know how the two are doing. somewhere i believe there is going to be a reward for what you are doing, two paths can be taken. god can reward you for staying true to him, by drawing these two to the lord, causing a big win for god and a reward could be that Chef and you do heal your marriage, because both of you would be focusing on the same finish line. the other road could be your freedom to move forth finding someone else that is just as driven to do the lord’s work as you are. Either way Bird, there can be nothing more than a win win situation. When you are doing what God wants by witnessing to others, leading them to the lake of God, where soul’s are changed and life becomes worth living, you are always a winner. keep doing what you are doing, i believe in my heart, you are going the right direction. it takes a godly woman to lay aside feelings and do what is right, placing god above your own desires
    hugs and love Bird

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    • Love and Hugs to you, too, Terry!! Thank you for your encouragement and advice. You have given me a lot to think about.

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  4. Most importantly is that you pray for God’s will no matter how scary that might be. I cannot stress this matter enough!!! But honestly I do not think (and I could be wrong) that His will is to fix your marriage. I know this is probably contrary to what most Bible thumpers think (and you know I am one!) but I feel this way because I have been exactly in your shoes before. Let me explain:

    When I was separated from my husband I reminded myself of how wrong divorce is in God’s eyes and how we are supposed to forgive people infinitely for their wrong doings (plus his family was making me feel quilty for not taking him back and causing our daughter to live in a broken home) and I took him back almost a year after our separation and only months before our divorce (In NC you have to be separated 1 year before you can divorce). I ended up getting my heart broken a second time because I found out he had been sleeping with multiple women (including prostitutes) and he started acting like a butt hole again (he made it apparent he did not have a bit of remorse for anything he had ever done).

    So I left him for a second time, we divorced, and 2 years later after he had proven himself a dead-beat-dad he went to Iraq and was shot, and then involved in a could-have-been-much-worse explosion and started missing his family. He talked me into taking him back again (because I again reminded myself how much God hates divorce and we are supposed to forgive) and we got re-married a few months after he came home from Iraq (almost a year after I officially took him back).

    Since then, I have found out I have HPV and have been battling off possible cancerous cells on my cervix as a consequence of all of his sexual promiscuity (which will haunt me for the rest of my life). He is still a butt hole to be honest (some things never change) and I have learned that him and my daughter both have aspergers (a mild form of autism). He will always be an alcoholic no matter how long he goes with out a drink, and even though he now claims to be saved only God knows his heart well enough to know if that is true. Something in my gutt always told me that God’s will for me could not possibly be all of the pain I have sufferred from this man, and now my marriage with this man is on the rocks for a second time. But I am leaving it all in God’s hands this time around and what will happen is to-be-continued.

    Let me sum it up. Biblically speaking, Chef has done things that qualifies you for divorce in God’s eyes. God says it is okay to divorce a man who has cheated and He will not hold it against you. Even if Chef has experienced a spiritual revival of some sorts, I do not believe God would ever require you to take him back and possibly suffer from STD’s or future heart break because of his poor decisions. God does not wish that sort of pain on anyone! I had a distorted view of God when I believed that me being divorced was more important to God than my own well-being. Let me say that again, mine (and yours!) well being is more important to God than any divorce.

    THEREFORE, IF God wills it to be that you should fix things with this man, it must be because that is what is best for your well being. This is why it is important that you listen to God. Pray, pray, pray. And read His Word. Never lose touch with God and He will never lead you into darkness.

    Psalm 23:4: Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

    I know I have written a book, but I hope this helps….

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    • Thank you so much for sharing this with me. You’re right. All that divorce stuff from the bible keeps running through my mind, but also my own bad habits of allowing myself to be manipulated and used is kicking in again, and this is not a good path for me. It is satan’s diversion to keep me from getting my full healing and God’s blessings. I will keep the communication friendly when needed, but I need to withdraw a little more, and stay completely out of their problems. I always want to fix other people’s problems, and that is usurping God’s place in all of this. I’m thankful you gave me a glimpse of what can possibly happen should I even subconsciously push a restoration. At this moment, I can have him back. I feel like he finds me more useful, and maybe even still loves me in his own way, but I keep resisting yet hoping. Isn’t that weird? I think deep down I wanted to prove to him that he’d made a mistake. Shameful. I repent of that right this minute. Maybe it was some warped sense of revenge on my part. You will never know how much your story really opened me eyes. Thank you again!!

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      • For many years I could feel God telling me that this man was horrible for me. I felt I should not marry him and I did it anyway, then I felt like I was stuck with him because everyone said God hates divorce. Then I re-married him because I was confused by my conflicted feelings that this man was not God’s will for me yet God hates divorce so what was I to do? Deep down I loved him, and that is why I dated and married him even though I knew it was never what God wanted for me.

        I always had a feeling in my gutt that God did not want me to be with him. But I didn’t listen, and see where it got me???

        I have experienced all of these feelings you are talking about. The hate and disgust, forgiveness and then the little bit of joy you get from their karma. The important thing is that you do not let your emotions get the best of you, and pray that God will protect your heart from deception.

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        • I completely agree with you. I will guard my heart, and my healing, and fight against those fleshly instincts that want to draw me back into something destructive. Thank you so much!

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  5. Hmm. Lord, give me the words. Cathie, you know from private emails that I’ve walked a similiar path. There are a couple of things here that I see that are spot on. First off, to check every single thing against the word of God is something that we simply have no choice about if we lay claims to a relationship with Jesus.
    That you have forgiven Chef and T is beautiful, and as you know, a model for me. Yet, I might encourage you to back up and look at a few things.
    You know Hebrews 13:4 about the marriage bed. You once told me that we can’t judge people’s hearts, right. But we can judge their fruits. For Chef to truly want to be with you, T has to get out of the marriage bed permanently. So do the fake women (pornography) so does every single other sexual thing that might make a sexual relationship with you anything less than holy. Trust me on this one. You and Chris also had to deal with perpetrators, but it is possible to be healed. The caution here is that at least for Chris, it took years. Years of deliberate strategy, years of him going to counseling and learning things like “When I am tempted to lust, instead of acting on it I will……call a male friend….excercise….go for a ride…. have sex with my gorgeous wife :)…..anything but the destructive thing. It was a constant work in progress. It did get better, definitely, but because Chris let God do a long, difficult work in his life.

    When Chris was dealing with his addictions, Eph. 5:18 came into play about not getting drunk with wine, but with the Spirit. This is simply hard work for an addict. If Chef is an addict, and it sounds like he’s the real deal, something for you to understand is that it’s never over. I’m not one, and it was a like a lightening bolt to me to understand that Chris simply had to work at this every single day of his life. It really did help me be a lot kinder to him, because this is just hard work. I could encourage him, pray for him, not drink myself ever, but Chris had to do the work. I would encourage you to really look, use wisdom to see if Chef is really, really doing the work.
    Lastly, if God means for you to be together, what’s the rush? Celebrate Chef’s victories like you would a friends. 30 days sober? Outstanding! Finding a job? Booya! T moving out? Hooray!
    Well, I hope that helps. Why wouldn’t you feel a niggling pull to Chef? You were designed that way. But your hope is not in Chef. It’s in Jesus. Wisdom is calling to you , I know you can hear her.
    Keep us posted, even my raggedy prayers are going up for you.
    Love,
    Victoria

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    • First of all, your raggedy prayers are just beautiful. I love that you share so openly about your perspective about living with a person who deals with abuse demons that haunt some of us all of our lives. And you are absolutely right. I will be friendly and rejoice when he succeeds, and stay out of his failure. And there is no rush. You are right. I can’t possibly be completely healed in six weeks. So, please know that you always are one of the people that I’m going to take advice from…you’ve never once steered me in the wrong direction. I can truly say I love you so much and consider you a very, very close friend. <3 Bird

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  6. Sis

     /  September 29, 2012

    I really like what Victoria said, I agree with her. I’ve never had to go through what you are going through, but my advice would be to be kind but distant. Let go of the marriage, it is not your responsibility any more and therefore you don’t have to worry about it, it is completely in Chef’s hands. The answer to him should be no unless he completely proves himself (like Victoria said). You get to be free right now, focus on yourself and your children and let him go. Let worries about him leave your thoughts.

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    • I will, Sis. It’ll be hard and I would appreciate prayers, but I know all of you are correct. Now, I just need the strength to say no. :-( I’m really crappy at not trying to fix other people’s problems. It is a complete mystery to me why I would always be willing to make someone else’s problems more important than my own. I don’t think it comes from a good place in me.

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      • Sis

         /  September 29, 2012

        Women are naturally very giving, it is how we are designed, it is a good thing. But we apply wisdom when we direct where our giving should go. Giving makes us happy and gives us joy, we shouldn’t quit, just redirect.

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  7. Having been there and done that, the best thing I did was reach out to my church and get counseling from a Pastor and I went by myself. They are trained more and at least can direct you to what is best for you. Also, as in my case I had no money. They shouldn’t charge you.

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    • I did reach out to my pastor, and am setting up an appointment to talk to him. But frankly, I’ve been burned by church so much, there is this resistance to it also. i actually feel more comfortable taking this problem to you guys than a pastor. I know that is probably wrong, but most of you have been willing to tell me the truth, even it was hard for me to hear. I trust that attitude about anything else. Also, I am in counseling for victims of abuse, but frankly I don’t feel like I was abused by him, even when my mind knows that there was a dysfunction between us all along. But, the counseling does help because it helps me to see things differently, so I’m staying in it. But my therapist, while a very nice lady, doesn’t really know how to handle my spiritual wars that go on, so she’s only helpful to a certain agree.

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  8. Sis

     /  September 29, 2012

    Bird, it would be killing me to talk and to care for the other woman. She is looking for your approval of her relationship with Chef so that she can continue. I would kindly use your pain to let them know that it is too difficult to hang out around them. If God is seeking her, I don’t think he would be using you. God does not “need” you, if she has been chosen by Him, then she will be brought to His kingdom even without you. I think you should step back from her.

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    • I will, Sis. That is the general consensus of the people I trust the most on this blog, and you are definitely one of them. I will kindly, gently explain that I need some room to know what God’s will is in this, and I just have GOT to stop trying to make everyone feel better. Why do I do that????

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  9. Don’t know if this helps or not, but forgiving someone for throwing you into a toxic swimming pool is letting go of your ‘mad’ and moving on; not letting them define you for THEIR reasons.
    Feeling led to jump back into the toxic waters because at least they are the ones you know? Now that one is on us/you. We lie to ourselves all the time…that’s what emotions do. It’s also why we’ve been equipped to reason and challenge our thoughts…insist on them showing their credentials. The right ones will. The bogus ones may protest…just a little too much, but they will vacate your doorstep.
    I’ll be in earnest thought and prayer for you this week as you set out for a new life in many of the same ways pioneers did when they left ‘what they knew’ in the East and headed towards their new lives — unknown, uncharted, but truly theirs…on their terms, in the West. Why did they leave? Because it wasn’t working for them where they were. But ulitmately, it wasn’t that they were leaving, it was all about what they were going towards. You’ll figure this out. We’re pulling for you. Dan

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    • Thank you, Dan. Maybe some of this is fear of the unknown, but I have a great peace that God has something special stored up for me in the future, and none of it has anything to do with Chef. I will pray for God’s will, and only that. I have learned to lean of God and acknowledge His ways, and so He will direct my path. Thank you for advice, Dan!

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  10. I am praying for you to move in the direction GOD wants you to go. We must have courage and faith in order to go to the next level.

    Have you read the Joyce Meyer book Battlefield of the Mind? This book may be helpful I know it helped me many times in my most difficult times of life.

    Another powerful little book is The Secret Power of Speaking GOD’s Word – Joyce Meyer. Most important thing is getting quiet, praying and calling out to GOD.

    The bible says when we ask GOD releases the angels to go to work for us.

    Only you know what you must do as this is your life, you only get one chance at this thing called life. I pray you find peace and joy one more time.

    Never forget you are a child of the most high GOD Jesus Christ. GOD wants only the best for his children just as we want only the best for our children.

    I am so sorry for all of your pain and suffering. Life is indeed fragile and precious never forget how important you are to GOD and to our world.

    GOD bless you Catherine, Love Melody

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    • Thank you, Melody!!! I really appreciate your encouragement. I am thinking that because I was beginning to feel this uneasiness, I was probably heading in a wrong direction. Being kind, gentle, helpful, etc. is all good, but when it moves into a person manipulating you, it is wrong. The general consensus is that I need some distance, and I’m believing that everyone is right. Be godly, keep forgiving and be peaceful, but don’t get drawn back into a repeat performance.

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  11. Oh, Catherine, I’ve written so much about this on my site! For teaching on the “friend” subject, go here:

    http://katharinetrauger.wordpress.com/2011/09/13/to-be-friend-or-not-to-be/

    For teaching on manipulation, go here:

    http://katharinetrauger.wordpress.com/2011/10/10/what-to-do-if-you-are-under-a-manipulator-part-1/

    For teaching about pain, go here:

    http://katharinetrauger.wordpress.com/2010/12/21/pain-hurts-tribulation-cheer/

    For teaching about forgiveness, go here:

    http://katharinetrauger.wordpress.com/2011/11/03/ashes-to-ashes-again/

    That should get you going. Each link above is the beginning of a 6 or 7 part series and beware, sometimes I was stupid and began in the middle of a week, necessitating breaking up the series with the Saturday Sayings and the Sunday Scriputre. Dumb, I know. Sighs.

    However, anything I would say here would be just repetitive of those, and it was a LOT of writing and well-received, so give it a try.

    I promise you, I’ve been there. And saw the way out. And you are right to have second thoughts, here. Totally right.

    Write me, if you want: katharine dot trauger at gmail dot com

    Also praying. <3 K

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    • I appreciate your links!! I will check them out!! Thanks, Katharine!

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      • Chef is like the Prodigal Son going back to his home saying, “I have not sinned and I have every right to be still treated as a son.”
        It is as if Jesus said to the woman taken in the very act, “Neither do I condemn you: Go your way and keep on sinning.”
        Chef has not exactly left his wife, but more like leaving his mom, and that mom is giving her blessing to the union . . .
        And he is still running your life and ruining it.
        Love ya, and so glad you could see.
        Whew.
        Also, and I haven’t read all, all, all the above, so maybe it’s a repeat, but God considers the idea of Chef going back to you, now, an abomination . . .

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  12. Oh my word, this is tough…. My gut tells me that when it’s over, it’s over. Move on and move away! But, that’s me, not very forgiving by nature. Not very Christian, I know. So as long as you feel God is guiding you, do what you feel is right.

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    • Thank you, Zelmare. I actually believe your instincts are correct. I appreciate you telling me straight, without sugar coating. You have helped confirm what I suspected…distance right now is good. If God wants it fixed, He’ll do it in His timing. In the mean time, I am moving forward alone, and that’s okay. :-)

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  13. Catherine, you have been given so much good advice here I don’t know if there is anything that I could add but I will give it a try. I agree with the comments that say you need to put some distance between you and them. It is really a form of emotional abuse to cheat on you and then to ask you for direction in how to get to God. By making you their “friend” it keeps them from taking accountability for their own actions and you become the buffer in that relationship. By Becoming the middle man or buffer it does not allow the natural relationship for Chef and T to take place. In other words we all make our beds and have to lie in that bed but you are going in and cleaning up the bed for them. Let their relationship takes it s course good or bad with out you in because if you become their friend when it goes bad the blame will be placed on you. God will take care of them. He has a plan for everyone. At this time your job is to heal you and to love your kids. All else will fall into place at the right time. And it’s okay for you to have love in your heart for Chef–does not make you bad or stupid–just means you have a big heart–Jesus did say “love your enemy” and he also said, “Let the dead bury the dead”…or in other words –ivonnes words–love chef from a distance and let him and T dig their own graves.

    love you

    ivonne

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    • Thank you, Ivonne. I kind of cried a little about what you said at the end. I guess I wish I didn’t love him at all anymore, and for some reason, a little seed of it is still in there. But you are right about allowing the dead to bury the dead, and that I’m cleaning up their mess. I appreciate your advice. Please pray for me, okay? I’m thinking I’m a weak mess when it comes to Chef, and though I’m getting better, I think satan is trying to lead me in a direction that will mess up all my healing, and set me up for another round of pain. lol…I do NOT want to go through anything like that again.

      I love you so much, Ivonne! Thank you!

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      • Absolutley will pray for you. I understand where you are coming from. I read your post and it applies to my life as well. The ex is going to be back in my town in two weeks for at least a month performing and knowing he is going to be that close is making me a little crazy. You want to hear tempatation–I was offered a job for one night at the venue he is performing at but I turned it down because I did not want to chance running into him or him possibly making a scene–is that not the devil? I do not think that is the work of God—and I need money but thank fully I have another job for that night. So, yes my dear I get it. I still have love in my heart for this man–don’t think I could ever be with him–but dear lord the tempation surely is there.

        xoxoxo

        ivonne

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  14. happy birthday to Rebekka first (its mine tomorrow) You have done what you needed to do in forgiving them, for your sake not theirs now you need to walk away and let them find their own way two reasons one three in any relationship never ends well amd two this is me the cynic wonders what their game plan is, draw you in for a better settlement? to get chef back in his club? smooth things for T? time to walk away and concentrate on your kids and beginning you new life

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    • I know you are right. While I won’t violate God’s Word about loving your enemy, He doesn’t instruct me to also help them to feel better about their sinning. And since rubbing people’s faces in their failings isn’t a trait I have, I do need to keep more to myself and my children’s peace. Thanks, Oh Wise One!!

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  15. Oh Bird I felt all the same things which you mentioned rise into my heart as I read the first part of this post, the concern that Satan may be using scripture against you, to mislead you, was the first! During the similar season I went through, I was always told to always always wait for a confirmation from another source before I acted in anyway. The world says “Don’t just stand there, do something” Yet God says “Don’t just do something, Stand there!” Waiting without action causes the greatest growth in our faith because we aren’t having any hand in what transpires.

    Obviously the principles in the scripture are from God, but not all are intended to be put into place at all times, they are very specifically applied to various stages of your journey. Directions must come in the mouths of two or three witnesses, especially while your vulnerability makes you a target to be a play thing for the enemy. It is not beneath him to muddy the waters and use God’s ways against us. It is his greatest accomplishment.

    I am not suggesting that you are not meant to be gracious toward Chef & T, but I would recommend not letting them use you as their crutch, It seems as if they are both the type to look for someone or something to ease their suffering and that my sweet friend is enabling. They can not grow in the Lord if they are turning to you instead of Him! And God alone is well able to reach them without you needing to be the catalyst. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do is to let someone fall on their face, let their own suffering change them and pray for God to help them up. (Which I know is what you have been trying to do)

    I believe the Roman scripture you quoted is to teach us not let anger cause us to let their bad behaviour be an excuse for your own, and that being kind to those who are hurting us actually hurts them more than any retaliation tactics we try to use to even the score, but they are not your enemies now, you have forgiven them.

    This line also stood out to me…
    “I’ve prayed that God’s will be done in this matter, but I’m a tiny bit afraid His will might be healing our marriage instead of just letting me move on with my life without him.”

    If you do nothing and wait on God to bring about the changes He is making you will see His will unfolding before your eyes, that way you will Know that you know that you know that you can trust His will and have no fear from it.

    I am praying for you Dear Faithful Bird…

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  16. God hates divorce. If your marriage is meant to be restored it won’t be as it was. When he becomes a born again Christian, you know how God works, he changes us to his likeness. Therefore you would be one, still with issues but, in harmony with God. I don’t know God’s purpose for you and your husband but, I do know that much. I, myself am still married to an unbeliever oceans away. I pray the Lord does call him and members of my family…here and there to him, through Jesus Christ. I email my husband and he always finds someway to get angry about my beliefs as if he needed someway to get angry. He is convicted every time about our breakup but until the Lord shows him he will never believe. You are a light to darkness even though you are his earthly wife. A witness to her also. Let the Lord continue to work through you. I still love my husband also. I can’t be with him as he is unsaved. He can’t walk on eggshells for me and my illness. Oh Bird it still hurts and I feel yours. Remember being broken brought us to the Lord, Amen.

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  17. I had wondered the same thing in my own marriage – what should I be praying for? The answer Jesus gave me has remained within my heart even to this day. The answers He gave me will be posted on my blog this week, in your honor…

    Here is a link to the first one:
    http://dreamsofdunamis.wordpress.com/2012/10/01/a-simple-yellow-ribbon/#comment-359

    Pulling for you and praying for you,
    C. Dunamis

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  18. As you know Catherine, I expressed my concerns a few days ago. I don’t think it’s healthy for you and even if it’s God’s will for reconciliation it would be a long process. There are health concerns as well. The scripture you shared is truth, of course, but I don’t think it can be applied to your situation. This is too new. I could see if this was a few years down the road, but this just happened. You clearly need boundaries. The whole thing is a little strange (meaning their wanting to be connected to you so much).

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    • You are right. As of last night, the kids and I have changed up some dynamics to make sure that a) I don’t fall back into that comfortable the-evil-you-know zone, and b) he is going to be unable to communicate with me anymore at all. If something is so important that I need to know about it, Rebekkah is going to answer the phone and communicate messages. She can’t be manipulated, provoked to anger, nothing. She and Chef have had a long, rocky relationship because he uses charm to get what he wants, and she can’t be charmed. It isn’t going to be a permanent arrangement. Just one until I know I’m not being diverted off God’s real path for me. I do not see any sort of reconciliation with this man at all, ever.

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      • Glad to here that. You are doing good. I feel like you are my sister and I am concerned and I have prayed and will continue to pray for you…SAB.. Jeremiah 29:11.

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