Today, I am in need of some advice and I would appreciate any given. I’ve come to really trust a lot of you guys
When I say that I’ve forgiven T and Chef, I really have. I no longer feel any bitterness or anger towards either of them. T feels free now to call/text me about questions she has about the Lord, or her familial problems, and I’m getting the same kinds of calls/texts from Chef. None of that bothers me at all. I love talking about my God. Where I’m confused is, is this some ploy from satan?
I posted this scripture last time I wrote, and since then I’ve been wondering if there is a loophole to it.
17 Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. [o]Respect what is right in the sight of all men. 18 If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men. 19 Never take your own revenge, beloved, but [p]leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord. 20 “But if your enemy is hungry, feed him, and if he is thirsty, give him a drink; for in so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. Romans 12:17-21
Okay. That is what I’ve been doing lately, and the more I do it, the more Chef and T communicate with me. In fact, Chef seems to want to see me every day now, and I hear from T almost every day now too. She started crying when she apologized to me in person, and my heart hurt for her because she just seems like a lost little girl, holding on to Chef like a plank of wood in the middle of an ocean. Now that I’ve really spoken with her, I see how the church she was raised in has really, really let her down. She’s been taught to accept what preachers/pastors say without checking any of it against the Word of God. I always abhor that. No matter what you hear and how much it makes sense, you must always see what the Bible says. She was raised in the Prosperity kind of doctrines, where money is the goal…not righteousness. And if you are not successful, healed, etc., then you just didn’t have enough faith. I HATE that kind of doctrine and every time I hear her try to explain how she sees God, I’m broken for her. In her mind, she’s going straight to hell because she’s displeased her vengeful God. She doesn’t understand grace at all.
Chef and I went to his first counseling session, and I was surprised because he didn’t try to sugar coat any of what has been happening. This is big for him, and though I got sick of hearing about his motorcycle club stuff, he really was trying to be truthful. I was impressed, and it gave me a little hope for him. Instead of fleeing whenever I mention God, he actually asks questions now and seems to be listening to the answers. As we all know, changing the behaviors takes time and effort, but every long journey starts out with the first step. And I think, at least for the moment, he might have taken his first step. That is an answer to one of my prayers.
Where the problem for me is, I’ve been praying that God get Chef out of my heart, and while I’ve felt distantly fond of him, this morning I woke up wondering if I’m supposed to be praying for the restoration of my marriage, not for a quick, painless divorce. I woke up at 2am and that was the first thing I thought. :-( I seriously can’t imagine him being able to change enough that I can come back. But that is me judging him, isn’t it? And then I wonder if because I’ve been spending some time with both of them, maybe I’m being roped into some weird triangle thing that I shouldn’t be involved in. But I also have noticed that Chef is starting to be somewhat critical of T, and is now trying to lay down new foundations for our relationship. At least, that’s the way it is looking to me. I question his motives, of course, but it really is something different from what I’ve come to expect from him. I’ve been stand-offish about this because at this very moment, he still is living with T. So, where is the line in the sand? Also, I can’t really say I miss a lot of stuff about our marriage anymore. Yes, I was happy. But, I was also very overworked in the peace-keeping areas.
Chef has been extremely hateful and angry at two of our kids — Rebekkah (whose birthday is today!!) and DJ. That alone makes reconciliation impossible at the moment. And I see years of marriage counseling in our future should we decide to try again. Rebekkah and DJ, who are super protective of their mom, want me to refuse to communicate with him at all, but I don’t feel that the Lord wants me to. They don’t get how I could possibly feel motherly about T, and yet I just do.
I guess I would just like some advice from other people, because I’m conflicted in what I should be doing. I’ve prayed that God’s will be done in this matter, but I’m a tiny bit afraid His will might be healing our marriage instead of just letting me move on with my life without him. Would you guys pray, too?
Any insights would be appreciated because as always, I want my motives to be without question godly, and my God’s will be done, not mine.
Thank you all!!