And Then He Becomes A Jerk Again and I’m Glad He’s Not My Problem Anymore… :-)

So, let me share the reasons I haven’t written in a couple of weeks except for my last sad excerpt. The main reason is because I got distracted from my misery…by Chef.

It is weird how I had settled into a routine in the couple of months I lived at the hotel, and moving into my tiny, real-life ghetto apartment was somewhat of a shock to my system. I’ve lived in dangerous places before, but I don’t know that you ever get over the shock of random strangers knocking on your door with a pint in a brown paper bag in one hand and their other hand reaching out for some money because, “I used to have a friend that lived here and she used to give me money”. Now, of course, I’m not throwing stones at the people around here. Most of them, turns out, are like me. Life dealt them a hard curve ball, and they are dealing with it the best they know how. I just wasn’t quite expecting that to happen, or the other dozen or so incidents that I’m now getting accustomed to. Frankly, now these episodes make me laugh a little bit. No. I don’t hand out money at my door, except to a tiny 6-year-old entrepreneurial soul who takes out my trash each day for a dollar. I’m not hardened enough to resist that sweet face! But, let’s face it. I don’t want people showing up all the time at my door. And it would only take one instance of giving a stripper $5 for gas, and I’d be answering that door constantly. Stuff like that travels around, and I don’t make enough money to be handing it out all the time. But, I have been being friendly with people around here,  and I hand out my cigarettes pretty regularly. But most importantly, I try really hard not to stand out. I don’t want to be noticed. I work really hard at just blending into the background.

So, back to Chef. Ever since I moved into this home, Chef has not been pleased. Somewhere in that strangled mess of a conscience, I think he became concerned that I was not probably in the safest of places, and he started to check up on me. A text would turn into a phone call, which would turn into breakfast, and on and on, until he actually was coming by the apartment to fix stuff for me. So, even though I knew this probably wasn’t good for me, I still craved seeing him. I liked that he was showing signs of caring about what happened to me. I, in other words, am a great big sucker.

We got away from talking about what has transpired this last year, with the occasional skirmish if we spent more than an hour or so together, and then he began to talk about when we got back together. Not “if”, mind you. “When”. But all the while, he still has the new girlfriend living with him at our old home, working, paying his bills..etc. So, I started feeling creepy about that. I know I’m his wife, but if felt sneaky…So, I told him. I don’t like this sneaky, other-woman feeling. He would promise me that T knew that he was still wanting his marriage to work..blah, blah, blah. No way he tells her the stuff he tells me he says and she be okay with it. And because I know he’s full of crap when he is talking to me, I can just imagine what crap spills out of his mouth to make her feel better, too.

So, I had to make him go away again, and the only way I know how to do that is to make him furious at me. That usually buys me about two weeks, and then he comes around again, always thinking that I’m sitting around waiting for him. Pathetically, he’s kind of right. I’ve been on a few dates, and they were horrible. I don’t want a boyfriend. I don’t think I even want a husband. I think I’m going through the motions like learned reactions, but I have to say, I really like coming home, locking my door, playing on my computer, and ignoring his phone calls if I don’t feel like hearing what he has to say. Today, he was particularly angry because he can’t get his electricity turned on at his house under his girlfriend’s name. So, in true Chef fashion, he called me at work to take it out on. Because I have so much pull with the stupid electric company! I didn’t know what to say, but I do feel sorry for him. I’m having to pinch every penny too to pay down some old bills, so I know how this feels. But, the difference to me is, I don’t call him and yell at him about it. He then informed me that I needed to get both dogs and both cats and move them into my apartment with me because he never wanted pets in the first place…I was the one who had problems when the kids left home…not him. It was all designed to pick a fight with me. I realized a few weeks ago, he must not fight with T because when he wants to blow off steam, he always calls me. I even asked him once if they ever even disagree with each other, and he said no. She is too meek to put up any kind of argument with him, which in turn makes him feel bad if he yells at her. Nice. So, he saves it for me? I don’t think so.

One of the commentors on my last post wrote a long, rather beautiful piece to me about knowing who I am. He was right. I don’t know who I really am. I’ve always been someone to someone else. A wife, a mother, a daughter, an employee…I don’t really know who I am when I’m just me. I see that I lost sight of what I was supposed to be learning from all of this because I fell so comfortably back into the strange relationship I have with my husband now. Even though it was different, it was also the same, and it pains me to admit, I let myself be fooled on purpose. I liked being around him..(sometimes)..but most of the time, it is rather disconcerting just how different he is now. It is a strange sensation to see a person you’ve known your whole life, yet find them oddly unfamiliar. I am back on the path I shouldn’t have wandered from, but I can’t make a lot of promises about not blowing it with Chef again. I’d pay good money if he’d just move out of Oklahoma. :-)

So, instead of answering all of your concerned comments, I thought I’d tell ya’ll what’s up, and thank you all for sticking around, even when I went into hiding. Love you all!!

– Catherine

 

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31 Comments

  1. thanks for the update. it makes me feel good to know that you are still alive and alright physically

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    • lol..Thanks, Terry. I’m still kicking!

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      • i am sorry, i didn’t mean anything bad, but when we go from daily blogs to every other day then two weeks apart, it sort of gets us fans concerned

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        • I’m sorry. Sometimes, I get sick of hearing myself, you know? Sometimes, I just don’t have anything to say that is different. Today, I feel pretty good, but who knows how I’ll feel tomorrow? I just am managing to take one minute at a time. Very sorry to worry all of you!

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          • it is ok Bird. We all have our drama going on at some point. It is just nice to know you are ok, but I can understand what you are going through. I did this with my ex for five long years, before I had enough, and removed myself from his presence once and for all. you can not turn off love like a water faucet, it takes time and the changes that are happening are new and sometimes scary when the comfort zone of years is removed. you are going to make it, don’t forget this, you will!!!

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  2. Peace be with you, Catherine. I’ve been lying low myself for the last few months. I’m glad to hear you’re safe and trying to figure out what’s best for you — and I’ll keep right one praying for you, too. — Kelly (Dailymomprayers)

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    • Thank you, Kelly. I’ve noticed a lot of people have been lying low lately. Wonder if God has a big plan for all of us or something…

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      • I’d say that’s pretty likely. On the plus side, I think I recruited another blogger. If you catch any comments on my blog from Leigh Ann, click her avatar to see if she’s posting yet. I think you’d like her. Disclaimer: I’ve known her since she was my babysitter in the 1970s ;)

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  3. Sis

     /  October 23, 2012

    You sound happier. I’m glad.

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  4. Hugs, Dearest Catherine. Wish there were something I could do. Pray, right? ;-)

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  5. Bird. Appreciated the update. It informs me what to pray for and you are, on my list. Every morning. You is inside you. She wants to come out and play. Beautiful stuff. Will stay tuned. Dan

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  6. Well, howdy mam…yup you sure got all of us worried out here in blog land…I was starting to wonder if I shoulda called the cops or something. Good to hear that you are alive and well my dear. And hey sometimes you have to stray a little from the path so that you know you are on the right one when you get back on it.

    hugs and kisses

    ivonne

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  7. bugletto

     /  October 24, 2012

    California.

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  8. A friend once told me that ‘you have to know your own worth” I’ve struggled with that through the years but I think it is great advice. Praying for you. God Bless

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  9. He wants to treat you like a doormat to alk all over as it suits him well hun he can only do that if you lie down and let him and we both know you aren’t that sort of girl!!!!! hold your head high and remember there is a world of difference between wanting someone and needing them and the most freeing exerience in the world is to wake up and realise that you don’t need anyone you are complete in yourself, it also means that if and when you meet someone you want that that is all the sweeter as you know they are truly worthy in their own right and not something to supplement something you feel is missing in you if you get my meaning. You know you are a strong woman you just need to believe in yourself xx

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  10. Still believing in good things for you and praying for same….Diane

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  11. Jimmy

     /  October 29, 2012

    you gotta tell me what ghetto place you are at… Imma strap on my bullet proof vest and see this for myself.

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  12. Tennessee Jim

     /  November 3, 2012

    Hey Bird,

    It has been a while since I stopped by and talked. My family and I have been praying for you and your family. I hate that you all are going through this. I was given a book to read and I do believe God sent this book to me to read. It is helping me out so much. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you, your ex-husband and your family can benefit greatly from reading and implementing the lesson of this book. It may even lead to your husband being fixed and your relationship being healed. I linked the book info on my blog the other day but I wanted to send you the direct link to where you can get a copy. It is not a expensive book and well worth purchasing a few copies to hand out. It is called “Broken Children, Grown Up Pain” by Paul Hegstrom. I promise you if you make this investment you will be blessed by it.

    http://www.christianbook.com/broken-children-grown-understanding-effects-wounded/paul-hegstrom/9780834122512/pd/122510

    Sincerely,
    James

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  13. Oh wow. I clearly haven’t been keeping up with your blog lately. Be well, be well, be well!

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  14. Hi Bird. GOD has placed you in my heart and my mind I am praying you are staying close to GOD in Jesus Christ name. I’m having difficult things in my life things I cant talk about. I blogged this today to help others. I feel like this post may help you! Big hug!! Melody http://donkeywhispererfarm2010.wordpress.com/2012/11/12/when-life-is-too-hard-hold-on-to-gods-promise/

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  15. Hello! Just taking a moment to stop by and say “Hi” and to let you know I am thinking about you. God bless you and keep you. – Alicia

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  16. Truid

     /  November 15, 2012

    I wish I had your courage. I don’t know that I’d be willing to share my life with complete strangers. And most of the time, I don’t want to share my innermost thoughts with those who do know me.

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  17. I have to say I’m a little angry at myself for not keeping up with your blog. I love the way you write and your stories really tug at my heartstrings and make me feel like we are good friends. However in my defense, the 2 and a half months I took off from writing my own blog, was because of my own drama. And during that time I sort of checked out of doing the things that make me happy. So to make a short story even longer (my specialty), I just wanted to say I really enjoy your blog, keep up the good work, and I’m thinking of you.

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    • lol..We all check out of our blogs from time to time, It’s the people who keep coming back even when I do that, that make me want to immerse myself in it again. Welcome back, Maggie my friend. And thank you for your sweet comment about my writing! I needed that! I hope your own drama has settled down and you can get back to enjoying your life. I’m slowly but surely trying to catch up with everyone again. Keep in touch, girl!

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  18. You too, Girl! I’d love to hear from you any time. Our stories are not so different; yours and mine. The difference is that you tackle your hardships head on and so eloquently that you make people stop and think, and realize that we are all more alike than we know. I’m not brave enough to do that, so I use my blog instead to write about the silly things that happen to me as an escape. It works…most of the time. lol.

    Chin up. It is clear that you have a ton of friends who care a great deal about you and that makes you one lucky lady, despite the unlucky hand you’ve been dealt.

    Take care!
    Your friend and fan,
    Maggie

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    • Thank you, Maggie!! And I love silly stories!! There is nothing more healing in this world than to be able to laugh!! You do your part, too, sweet girl. I’m your fan, too!! :-)

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