I find it amazing that just one month ago, I was practically a basket case, crying myself to sleep, thinking that I’d never be able to smile again. Now, I have very few moments that I feel that overwhelming grief. Don’t get me wrong. Sometimes I sit and listen to the saddest break-up songs ever created and bawl like a small child, but frankly, that doesn’t appeal to me much anymore. Good days are more common now.
What I find weird these days is that now that I am able to cope and carry on, rather happily I might add, Chef seems hell-bent on getting me back. The thing that worries me there is that deep down, I’m not exactly sure I want to go back to my marriage. Yes, I still love that moron. But, I have questions that his words aren’t really able to answer. For one thing, what will keep him from doing this to me again? He swears nothing like this will happen again, but how do I know? He promised me this kind of security before, and we all see how that turned out. He is supposedly in the process of moving T out of his home, and from what I can see, it seems to be true. But, the long and short of it is that she still lives in my house. And then I ask myself, am I the biggest idiot ever for even considering going back to him? He did some scummy things to me. But, he wasn’t himself doing all those things, either, and I can’t help but take his addiction in account. He’s been clean for awhile now, and his old, happy-go-lucky personality is coming back, and I have to admit, I always did love how he could make me laugh.
But, at the end of the day, I think it is just to soon in his recovery…and mine…to really consider returning. I am really, really comfortable in my new apartment. I love coming in to my little pad, and it always feels like my hiding place from the world. I like not having to wonder 24/7 what Chef is doing, or not doing, and with whom. I like not having to scramble to pay bills I can’t afford, and spending my money on stuff I want. I like doing what I want when I want, and not having to check with anyone. I think, in a nutshell, I like being single!!