A Long Way To Letting Go

Being alone so much, I have a lot of time to think. In the beginning of this disaster, that wasn’t such a good thing. But lately, without the clouds of so much painful, angry emotions, I find a lot of time to look back and learn from this whole process. One thing that I think about a lot lately is how much this has changed me. At first, I wanted to believe that one day I’d go back to normal…be the same person I was before. But as time marches on, I’m thinking that you can’t unlearn what you already know. And the truth is, I know too much. I know that words are no good without actions behind them to back them up. I know that anyone is capable of betraying those they love, and that we are all experts at deceiving ourselves into believing whatever we want. I’ve learned that you can’t un-break a heart, or take back angry words, or rewrite the past. What is done is done. You can only go forward.

I’ve been told by a lot of people now that there is something different about me. Most of the time, they can’t seem to put their finger on it, but deep inside, I know what it is. I have an edge to me that wasn’t there before. I’ve noticed that I’m walking a fine line between forgiveness, anger, and bitterness. I don’t want to be a bitter person, but I have to admit, I’m a rather angry one at the moment. I do believe that God is working on me, and His Will will come to pass in me. But at the moment, I fight hourly with the urge to throw something across the room, normally seconds after hearing from Chef. And yet, that anger seems to creep up on me, and I don’t sense it beneath the surface like I did so much over the last year. Which, to me, is the worst kind of anger. As days go by, though, I’m careful to not allow myself to dwell in that state of mind long, and I’m getting better at controlling my emotions. But I have to admit…it is really exhausting.

Today hasn’t been bad at all. Even things that would normally trigger that sadness or anger haven’t been able to pierce my good mood, and as I sit here writing, I’m listening to the traffic going down my street and the voices of my neighbors as they call out to each other, and I’m peaceful. Really, really peaceful. I’m content and happy right at this moment.

I found this song that is just beautiful by Maria Hines, and I loved the lyrics so I thought I’d share them with you. You should pull up her video on YouTube. I think you’ll like it. Thank you for all your kind remarks and comments. And thank you for your prayers and advice. I know you are all right..There is no reconciliation for me right now. I’m learning who I am now, and it wouldn’t be fair to anyone to try to be in a relationship just yet. Even with Chef. I’m no fool. :-)

A Long Way To Letting Go

Funny how the little things

Can stake a claim in memory

And cheat time to last a hundred years
I swore that I’d be strong enough

To drop my heart and pick it up

And make the great escape without a tear
I’m So naive…
And I hold my breath a little too long

And you were quick to carry on

And I’m learning in the afterglow

It’s a long way……

A long way to letting go
Waiting on eventually

Where you’ll become my history

And I’ll begin to rebuild the wall

I’ll forget to mention you

And wish that you were lonely too

And never ache, missing your call
I’m so naive
And I hold my breath a little too long

And you were quick to carry on

And I’m learning in the afterglow

It’s a long way……

A long way to letting go
Was looking easier ideally

And I falter at my hesitation’s end

Close my eyes as I begin the countdown,

Reach for breath, I’m counting down

But I hesitate at ten.

And I hold my breath a little too long

And you were quick to carry on

And I’m learning in the afterglow

It’s a long way…..A long way to letting go
Read more: MARIE HINES – LONG WAY TO LETTING GO LYRICS

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25 Comments

  1. always remember, one day at a time. it is more than enough to handle without looking forward nor back

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  2. You are actually handling it better than I did… But I was young and had never really experienced hurt before. Plus I had an 8 month old baby. I walked around bitter and angry about everything and it showed all the time. I was depressed and probably borderline suicidal for a good 2 years… I finally learned that forgiveness didn’t mean that what he did was okay, but it meant learning to live. I finally realized that just because I was angry and bitter 24/7 didn’t mean he was suffering from it, I was the only one suffering from my anger.

    I didn’t start to truly heal until about a year ago when I starting praying for healing and growing spiritually. The closer you grow towards God, the farther away you will move from the pain.

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    • No one can tell how or quickly anyone else should get over something. We all learn at our own pace, and until we’ve walked in someone else’s shoes, there really is no way to tell just how deeply something has hurt them. I may be coming to terms a little quicker than some, but I still have a long way to go before I can truly say I’m healed. Thank you for sharing with me!

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  3. People seem to think that anger is a bad or a negative emotion but it is not. Anger is the emotion that informs us that something is not right, that we have been taken advantage of, or that something is out of balance. If you still get anry at Chef it is because what he is doing is not in alignment with who you are or how you deserve to be treated. That feeling of anger surfaces to remind you—to let you know that whoever or whatever caused your anger has a message for you. The message could simply be that person isn’t right or isn’t treating you right. In my case the anger I had at my father was really a message to keep digging into my psyche because there was more healing to be done and there were still more dots for me to connect regarding my father and the types of men I wound up in relationship with. So, embrace the anger. And the next time you feel angry ask yourself, “What is the greater message this anger has for me?”

    Anger is a signpost on the road to healing. :)

    ivonne

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    • Wise words, Ivonne. I’ve learned not to fear anger, but just to keep it reigned in to a manageable level. It makes me feel less helpless.

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  4. Ernie

     /  November 17, 2012

    Sounds like we all need to go out to my moms’ and shoot some guns!

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  5. It would be unrealistic to believe that you’d have all your emotions sorted out to exclude anger, bitterness and forgiveness. It was too traumatic a situation…’many’ understand that.

    So go with the peace that you can find and bask in God’s love for you…Diane

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    • Thank you, Diane. I’m learning just how impatient I am in all of this. I just want to be over all of this …right now! Lol…

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  6. Praying for you daily! BIG HUGS!!!!!!! I am sure this is a process and I am so glad you are in the arms of Jesus.

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  7. Some years ago when I was trying to get over the hurt, (and anger) of a marriage gone bad, but still in love with this adulterous cad, I asked my friend, how she “knew” when she was over someone. She said, “When I stop thinking about him.”

    Now, I understand that short term marriages, (in this case, 4 yrs), are different than a 20 yr marriage, but when you’ve been SO in love with someone and so crapped on, there is a lot of emotional baggage scattered all over the place after the train wreck to deal with, and more than just a little anger Still, when the daily thoughts and anger get to be less and less, you are on your way to healing.

    I used to lay in bed at night, crying, my heart literally aching,so alone, so in love, missing him so much, and asking God, “How long is this going to take to get over him?” Then, one day, when he just stopped by, and tried to ply the old charm, and put his arms around me, I just didn’t react. He sort of dropped his arms, and said, “It’s over, isn’t it?”. I simply said, “Yes, it is”. And I knew it was, finally. At that point, the Lord told me not to look back. And I haven’t. All the pain, all that horrible loving him and not being able to get over him….was just gone. I was free. So, there is no other way…it just takes time. When you stop thinking about him all the time and that terrible love ache in your heart isn’t there anymore, it will be over for you as well.

    May grace and peace be multiplied to you,

    Scarlett

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    • Scarlett, You have no idea what your comment did for me this morning. I’m really sad these days because in my heart of hearts, I know it is over for me. I still have that awful love feeling, but I can’t go back.

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  8. Thanks sis, but here’s the part I left out for the sake of focusing on the point about finally getting over it. I DID go back—- after his first adultery, trying to be the “good forgiving Christian wife”. And it’s something I think is very important for people to know about “forgiving” and taking an adulterer back again and trying to patch up or even resurrect the marriage. Also….if any unfaithful spouses happen to chance along and read this, it’s something YOU need to think about before trying to convince your spouse to give it another shot. There ain’t no free lunch!

    OK, first of all, the marriage vow concerning faithfulness in marriage is a very serious vow…VERY serious, whether you’re Christian or not. It’s serious. If, lets say– a man goes out and cheats on his wife and has sex with another woman, that is a deal breaker for sure. Even Jesus said so. It’s adultery. In the Old Testament, if a woman got caught doing that, she could be stoned to death. Pretty serious indeed.

    But here is what I found out from my own experience when I forgave and took back my cheating husband. I guess he figured all was well between us and that things would go back to the way they were before he went off and betrayed the marriage vows. I did forgive him but what he didn’t or couldn’t understand, was that something was taken out of our deep covenant bond of love, sex and the marriage that could never be restored, ever again. Not even by God. It was just gone. Something so sacred and holy was irreparable destroyed.

    It wasn’t until I took him back that I realized something was missing, something mysterious, fragile and lovely. It was like an invisible chain that had been such a precious bond between us, a holy indescribable “something” was just gone.

    It was strange to me that he seemed clueless about this on his part. IF…if… he had only known what his action of betrayal had cost HIM in terms of what he destroyed in our marriage, especially concerning the sexual part, he might never have even asked me to take him back. Because even though I’d forgiven him and still loved him, he’d destroyed something so precious and violated a sacred trust between us. And it was never the same after that, even sexually…maybe even “especially” sexually. Is this why it is said in holy scripture, not to let, (allow), the marriage bed to be defiled? How can it be defiled? I’m not sure of all the ways, but I know for a fact that adultery would be at the top of the list.

    This may be hard to understand. But anyone is spiritually and emotionally sensitive, and who’s ever experienced this and taken a cheating spouse back will know EXACTLY what I’m talking about.

    Husbands, or wives….if it was you who cheated and now want your spouse to take you back, be aware of the fact that it’s not ever going to be the same as it was before you cheated and it’s going to cost YOU about how your forgiving spouse feels about you…You have destroyed something, and you’re not going to be able to fix it, no matter how sorry, repentant, or “changed” you feel you are. And it’s going to cost you something that if you’d known ahead of time when you cheated, you would have done everything in your power to resist that temptation.

    My husband was a very jealous person and had cheated on me to punish me for admitting to having loved someone BEFORE he and I had even met each other. Ridiculous, absurd, ate up…yes I know, but he did. My love for him was very real! But my goodness, if he’d even known or realized what it cost HIM, he would have been an utter fool to go ahead with it…or. to think about asking me to take him back. This mysterious something he destroyed in our marriage by cheating wasn’t something I had any control over, or did deliberately. Don’t ask me why it works this way, I just know it does.

    I know this has been long, but I felt led to write this because it’s going out to someone who needs to read and think about the consequences of sin, and adultery.

    And sis, thinking about and praying for you. You don’t know this, (til now), but I’m just 40 mi from you. Thinking about finding an efficiency apt there for a few months til I can find the right RV, and then hit the road full time and just travel the highways and byways. If ‘n’ when I do, I hope to meet up and have coffee and have a good old fellowship chat :) From one radical Okie to another radical Texan!
    Happy Thanksgiving. Yes, there are many things to be thankful for!

    Selah~

    Scarlett

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    • Scarlet, your words were very beautiful and they touched my heart and mind. I believe sex is holy and sacred. my gradfathers were cheaters, my dad was a cheater, men I have been in relationship with cheated on me and in my last relationship I became the woman I had grown up hating—the other woman. Your words speak to the truth–and no amount of forgiveness can repair what was broken–the sacred holy vow and trust. I beleive that is why God said let no man put asunder what God has joined together. Adultery is putting that sacred vow and marriage asunder. Thank you so beautiful words………..

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    • I am glad you shared this with me. He says he wants me back, but already, even though I said not right now, I feel like a butterfly who’s wings have been destroyed. I can’t feel the same way about him, and I’m sad that whatever that mysterious something was, it seems to be completely annihilated. Sad. You were able to put into words what I’ve been afraid of. It may or may not be completely over, but it’ll never be the same. Thanks, Scarlett. I would LOVE to meet up with you!!! Let me know when you head this way!!

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  9. (It’s late. I forgot to say I didn’t “stay back”. It never worked out after that. Just like I was trying to describe why in the previous comment).

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    • I figured as much. Did that feeling ever come over you again about someone else? I’m afraid I’m changed forever too.

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      • No, sis, because I never loved anyone else the way I loved this man. Pay attention to the vibes your getting because it may be the Lord warning you about something.

        I don’t tell women who’ve been cheated on to not to go back -or to go back. I’m just telling women, or men, what to expect if they’ve been cheated on, and then go back. And the ones who cheated have lost more than anyone, if they only knew. If I had been that one, I don’t think I could live with it knowing how my betrayed spouse now felt about me.

        A cheater may never lay a hand on you, but when they stomp all over your heart and life, can they expect to put the shattered pieces back together again? It’s kind of like Maya Angelo said, “It’s not what you said, it’s not what you did, it’s how you made me feel”. With me, it was all of the above.
        It will never be the same again.

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  10. I don’t know what say that hasn’t already been said. I will say I’m praying for you. :)

    Blessings,
    Dana

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