Satan’s Favorite Drug Ever – Meth

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Satan’s Finest Lie

This is a really long post, and I have agonized about whether or not I should post it. On the one hand, it is the truth, and the truth shall set you free. On the other hand, it has a lot to do with my husband and his addiction, and what kind of person he became as he gave more and more up for his idol — meth. I don’t want anyone to judge Chef. Instead, grieve with me the loss of the person he once was to this hateful drug. I blame Satan and Meth. Chef made choices, but I truly believe in my heart of hearts that had he known the outcome would have been this disaster area of our lives, and just how many broken people he left in his wake, he would never have touched the stuff. But, as we all tend to do, we thought we could handle a little bit of sin, but it quickly overcame and engulfed us to the point we’d need help getting out of it. Unfortunately, Chef picked a drug that literally changes every single thing about a person, and it is never good. And the addiction lead him down roads that he may never be able to face. I once knew the real Chef, and I don’t know if he’d be able to accept all that he has done. The shame and guilt would consume him. But the present day Meth-ed Chef feels very little anymore with the exception of drug-enhanced moods and crushing, exhausting come-downs and the need to quickly return to the high that allows him to hide from all the destruction that he has left in his wake.

METH, CHEF, AND THE DEATH OF MY MARRIAGE

I think I have actually gotten a small taste of hell on earth, and it all started and ended with meth. No one will truly ever understand how much I hate even the sound of that word — meth. It promises its user the world, but instead it takes every single good thing out of it first. The fact that methamphetamine is highly addictive already speaks volumes about the danger it poses. It crept up on my family and completely destroyed it. Meth kills, and  it kills more that just the person using it. It kills marriages, families, dreams, and hopes.

For anyone who has been reading this blog since about June, there has been a sad story of a marriage falling completely apart. There have been a lot of painful lessons learned by me about my husband Chef, who is dealing with a severe addiction which has torn apart our lives and families, and by my kids, who got the unlucky privilege of  a front row seat to just exactly what meth can do to a once happy, complete family.

I wrote a lot about Chef’s infidelity, and the absolute earth-shattering devastation I felt when he basically slipped me out of my own life, and inserted another woman there, but I didn’t describe much about his addiction because I didn’t want to embarrass him, or frankly, myself. But, as I’m progressing through the grief of all of this, I feel that I am not doing anyone any good unless I describe exactly what this horrible drug does to these people and basically everyone else in their lives as well. I don’t write this story to humiliate…only educate. And I want a record of what happened as I remember it now, because thankfully, these memories are fading, and I’m happy to let them go. But they are important enough to write down because they can possibly be a cautionary story to someone else one day.

When I met Chef over 20 years ago, this man’s endearing quality to me was how much he could make me laugh. To this day, that is what I miss the most about the old Chef. He was clever, witty, handsome, confident, and best of all, hilarious. For decades, we laughed, fought, compromised…but in all of it there was a chord of respect and love that we swore by. We were a team, loyal and devoted to one another. I don’t think it ever occurred to either of us that we’d ever part ways. There are tons of posts in this site about how I’ve always felt about Chef, so I won’t expound on that too much. In a nutshell, I loved my husband more than life itself. And I still do. I probably always will. But he’s gone now, and I don’t think he’s ever coming back.

And then one night last year, I woke up in the middle of the night, and found that Chef was missing. Assuming he was in another part of the house, I got up to look for him. He was no where to be found and it was almost 3:30am in the morning. I looked in the garage and his motorcycle was missing. Still disoriented, but not panicked yet, I called his cell phone. He answered, giving me some excuse about needing medicine from the store, but in my heart of hearts, I could tell he was lying. It was confirmed when he came in, clearly not quite himself, and not carrying any medicine in either. But, decades of running Public Relations Campaigns in my head for him kicked in, and I chose to take my first step into denial.

When Chef returned soon after, we didn’t fight about it. I voiced some concern that he should wake me up if he is leaving so I won’t be afraid when I wake up and he’s not there, and he quickly agreed not to disappear on me again. I can wryly chuckle at that promise because as the next year fanned out, it turned out to be the first blatant lie of thousands of lies he would tell me. Meth makes honest people liars. I wish I’d paid more attention to that a year ago. But 20 years with a person tends to make you relax a bit, and I had no real reason to distrust him.

To set some of this up, I need to tell you that when Chef and I first got together, he used meth, and I partook of it occasionally. But, like most medicines I take, I don’t have the same reactions that most people do, and I wasn’t impressed with it. All that crappy drug tended to do for me was make my already super hyper-vigilant mind soar to a whole new hellish level. I would be worried about a million things at once, and by the time I would come down from the high, I was exhausted and hadn’t really had a bit of “fun”. While most people feel like they could conquer the world and achieve anything, I would be in the next room counting my pulse, and coming up with ways to explain the heart-attack and/or stroke I’d inflicted on myself to my family. I have to fight the urge to worry constantly, and a lot of those speed-like drugs tend to exasperate that worry to an almost panicked degree.   Sometimes, knowledge can be a real downer. I research freaking everything, so I knew how that drug worked, what it did to the body, and just exactly what it could do to kill said body. My drugged brain took that knowledge to new heights to torture me with it. No. It isn’t fun for me. Why I even bothered to do it more than once is still a mystery to me, but sometimes I’m an idiot. Luckily though, the “fun” wasn’t worth it to me, and I had no problems not using it again. But for Chef, who got the standard high with all of its exhilaration, sexual proclivities, and power, it was too powerful, and it took me literally giving him an ultimatum back 20+ years ago to make him even try to quit. But remember, back then, I’d only been with him a few months, and I wasn’t “invested” in the relationship. A few months after I quit, he finally did. I had no patience then for the nonsense meth addicts put their loved ones through. I’d seen it before in my first marriage, and I wasn’t doing that again…ever.

Or so I thought.

Now I wish I’d just left him back then.

Fast forward to a year ago. A few days after the disappearing episode, I woke up again alone in bed, and when I went to find him, he was on the internet scoping out adult sites. Now, as a sexually abused child, I have to explain that I can’t see stuff like that at all. I don’t even watch people kiss on regular television much less foray into that stuff. I was really, really clear with Chef from the very beginning that stuff like this throws me emotionally back to a time period that I still struggle with to this day, so please don’t engage in this. All these 20+ years, there has been no evidence or problem with this. Until Meth made his appearance, and suddenly I was caught in this whirlwind of sexual perversion, drug addiction, and PTSD symptoms from being molested. It was like my entire world was turned upside down in a week. But I loved Chef, and still do, so I was in it for the long haul. In my pride, I just knew I could get him to get some help before he headed too far down that road. After all, he had been a good husband for decades…staying away from the drugs and certainly never looking at porn. We had an enviable marriage. We were friends. We were lovers, soul mates, even. I just couldn’t make myself believe he would ever intentionally hurt me.

I was wrong and I was right.

I think meth is Satan’s drug of choice if he wants to completely destroy every single good thing about a person. I’ve seen so many addicts in my life, and have been one myself, but I’ve never seen any of them do what this drug does. It took the man that I loved for so long and slowly but consistently changed him. Suddenly, he had secrets. Lots of them. Locked doors, locked boxes, hidden cell phone. I would try to reason with him about how these kinds of things screamed that he was doing something he didn’t want me to know about, and thus meaning, I wouldn’t like it. He not only wouldn’t talk about it, but he would arrogantly try to pawn his behavior off on me, even raging at me about consequences he’d gleaned all on his own. The complete fabrication of the excuse and blame were enough to make me dizzy. It was like he truly believed the nonsense spewing from his mouth! And finally, I came to terms with it. He did!! It didn’t matter if I could easily prove I had nothing to do with it….he wanted to believe he wasn’t responsible, and he didn’t really care if I agreed or not. He had a story, and he was sticking to it.

Yes. I tend to try to control things in my life, but anyone who ever thought they were able to control Chef was fooling themselves. I’m a stubborn human being, but he’s twice as stubborn as I am, so when he decided his secrets were more important to him than my trust, it was on. Locks were picked only to be replaced by new ones. Passwords were broken and then quickly reset. We did this little dance of me trying to find out what was going on, and him trying to make sure I didn’t. I wasn’t sneaky about it…I told him up front, I didn’t like secrets. And he told me up front, too bad. He was keeping his.

I am fairly good at figuring things out, and within a small amount of time, I knew what he was doing, where he was doing it at, and who he was getting it from. I wasn’t as intense about trying to make him stop as I would eventually grow to be, still deluding myself back then that he’d stop soon. He wouldn’t be able to deal with the shame of hurting his family like that. But, I underestimated his addiction, and I have, and probably always will, regret not packing my things and walking out the door the minute I found out he was taking meth again.

Over the last year, each week would present something just a little more terrible than the week before. A “little recreational pick-me-up” on the weekends quickly turned into a mad scurry to find more the minute he’d run out. I sunk into a depression, still reeling from how suddenly this problem had spun out of control. The more I would try to reach out to Chef, the more furiously he would pull away from me. I’d write him letters that he wouldn’t read. I’d send him emails that he would delete. Only occasionally, when he would be sober would I be able to make a connection emotionally with him again, and he would almost always try to put off the conversation until another time. In the beginning, he would always apologize for the insane, manic, confusing and somewhat humiliating behaviors he’d exhibited when he was on his meth binge. But after several of those apologies that were always followed by more insanity, he gave up even bothering to go through the motions. It was easier to refuse to talk about it, or to start an argument so he could storm out of the house and away from his freaked out wife. Sadly, I still kept trying to reach him long after I should have stopped.

I tried every thing to reason with him. I tried kindness, gentleness, understanding. I tried anger and bitterness and disappointment. I learned the patterns, and only approached him when I knew he was as sober as he would probably ever get for awhile. I was careful not to set the itching, lip-smacking, twitchy ghost of the person I used to love, off by choosing my words carefully and trying to be so passive that there would be absolutely no mis-communication that would set off his rage. But deep inside, I was adrift in this sea of confusion, disbelief, shock, and rather quickly, despair. I was bearing witness to a person literally dying physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually right in front of my face; and the horror of it all was that it was my favorite human being on the earth, and I seemed completely powerless to help him at all. The depression and panic attacks were crippling as I would brace myself for the fights that would ensue the minute he got the drug into his system. Back in the beginning, when he’d sober up, his normal personality would make an appearance again, and I would gain a little hope that he would keep his tear-stained promises to me this time. This time, I would try to convince myself, he’ll keep his word. But he never did. Eventually, even when he’d sober up, his personality wouldn’t return to normal, but instead seem defensive, wrathful, and full of hatred.

At first, I couldn’t understand why he suddenly hated me. Then, over time, I realized he didn’t. He hated himself.

Over the months, he would disappear for days at a time and not only not tell me anything about these disappearances, but he refused to answer my calls. I knew he was having affairs, though he would swear that he would never do that to me because “he wouldn’t be able to look in my eyes and know that he had put that hurt there”. But all  the evidence was there. Text messages, pictures of female employees in his email, the constant changing of computer passwords, locks on doors, and almost daily, hours of disappearing without a word. Lying became super easy for him, and he didn’t bother to even make up good ones.  That is all I got from him anymore. Words. Words. Words. But his actions were becoming more and more selfish, humiliating, abusive, and deceitful each and every day. In the beginning, he tried to hide his infidelities, but later on, he grew bold and didn’t bother. When he took his money and ran, I had to leave our home. Within a few days, he took ownership of our home back and installed his new girlfriend in it…She was in my home with my husband, my furniture, my friends, and  sleeping in my bed, and even wearing some of the clothes I hadn’t taken with me. He even had her on my side of the bed in a bedroom that he left the way we had had it. Creepy.  I can’t even begin to describe how worthless, used, discarded, dishonored, and completely devastated I felt. There really are just no words.

I do want to point out that I don’t actually blame Chef for all of this. I blame satan. It was a worthy attack, and it caused a lot of pain, grief, and devastation, not only in my life, and Chef’s, but it seemed to radiate like ripples in a pond out to our children, friends, families…even our pets. Meth causes men to feel very, very aroused sexually, and they do stupid, thoughtless things in their quest to fulfill these drug-induced sexual desires. And unfortunately for Chef, he had incapacitated his wife rather quickly in all of this with the porn. I couldn’t get him to not use porn when he was high, and he never wanted to even talk to me about any of that issue when he was sober. He was ashamed, and I knew that. I didn’t want him to be ashamed. I just wanted him to care about what this was doing to me mentally and emotionally, not to mention physically. To this day, we still haven’t been able to address this subject because his rage is triggered by the mere mention of the word “porn” from my lips. I found that when I really needed my best friend the most, he was not only unavailable, but he seemingly cared about those creepy pictures and videos more than his own real-life wife. I found myself thrown back to the painful times I was being molested, and I felt helpless and used all over again. I felt dirty again, and it would take Jesus to calm down that depression and anxiety to the point I was able to go on. I don’t know how many times throughout this last year that I didn’t consider taking a bottle of pills and being finished with this whole sordid life. I didn’t want to live knowing that the one I loved the most and had given my heart to had not felt the same way about me. I wanted the fairy tale, but as I’ve learned — fairy tales aren’t real. Especially in marriages. Marriages are a lot of hard work, and no matter what, you have no guarantee of a happy ending. How can you? You only really have any control of just one half of it!!

In the ensuing months, I lost 28 pounds, and at this moment right now, I’ve lost another 18.  My stomach was in a constant state of pain, and as my whole world began to crumble, I started to become desperate for escapes.  I prayed and prayed, wrote blogs, wrote in my journals, and then turned to more extreme hiding measures. Vodka. Ambien. I even used the drug with him a couple of times, thinking that maybe it would help us connect, but all it ever did was make everything so much worse. I would begin to panic even more about what was happening in our lives, and he would become enraged that I was “ruining his buzz”.  And then after delivering the most hateful insults and calling me names, he would want to have sex. Unlike what seems like everyone else who has experienced this drug, I don’t get sexual side effects from anything, so he was pretty disappointed I wasn’t going to get all freaky for him. He actually said that to me!! It was insanity. No sane person would do that. And even the times I was high, it didn’t change my perceptions or memory that I can tell. When Chef was on meth, he was shockingly callous, cold, selfish, and evil. He scared me, frankly. He was so different from the sober Chef.

The Bandidos Motorcycle Club, which had been an important, but firmly placed, low priority in his life, seemed to suddenly be his god. He would ramble on for hours about how people respected him, were afraid of him, because of that patch on his back.  He began moving his things slowly out of our bedroom into the spare bedroom, and over a period of time, he’d created this creepy shrine to all things Bandido. There were no pictures of his family in that room. The whole room was devoted to Chef and his motorcycle club, and lock boxes and secrets. I felt unwelcome in there anymore, and yet I couldn’t make him understand that all of this was so wrong. He’d say I was just losing my mind, but in actuality, I was just losing my faith in him.

For months, still foolishly thinking I could handle this, I told no one what was going on. I was embarrassed for and protective of Chef. I didn’t want to have his reputation tarnished when he finally was able to conquer this. But as my emotional and mental well-being disintegrated, I started to reach out in desperation to a few people. And it opened the flood-gates. Chef seemed dead, and I was being haunted by this meth addict that never slept, never ate, rambled about his greatness for being in a motorcycle club, lied constantly, kept bringing in piles of junk and “working” on projects that never made any sense to me, disappeared, cheated, and did all of this with a sneer of hatred on his face. Where had my sweetheart gone? He had died, but I had no body to bury.

The night I figured out he was on meth, I knew God was telling me to get my things and walk away. “You do not want to see this. Chef and I are going to go through something together.” But, in my devotion to my real gods, Chef and Love, I couldn’t make myself go, and I regret that decision with all of my heart. I was never once able to help my friend and husband. I tried cutting off the money for it; he changed his direct deposit. I tried going to the motorcycle club for help. That was a complete joke. I went to his close friends, but by the time I’d done this, he really had none left. I threatened dealers, enablers. In the end, I couldn’t save him; he simply didn’t want to be saved. And all those actions were perceived by the Meth-ed Chef as retaliatory moves on my part because I was “mad” at him. He didn’t want the help, and I was crossing him. But I figured if I could dry up the supply, he’d sober up and then understand. I just wasn’t able to stop the flow, and now he felt like I was actively trying to thwart him for no good reason. It was insane.

All that I was able to accomplish is that  I placed myself in so much heartache, grief, pain, misery, it shadowed every good memory I had of him. Everything seems tainted and unsure now. Were any of his words ever true? I found a card he’d written T just a little over a month ago that calls her his soul mate, lover, and companion and that he loved her and would be with her to the end. And yet, at that same time, he was desperately trying to make me agree that once he was able to gently get T out on her own, I would come home to him and we would resume our marriage. I have the love letters he has written me in just the last couple of weeks, and they seem very much like the one he wrote her. What could possibly be going through his mind?

Confusion, tears, distrust, and this intense sadness that is just under the surface are my constant companions now. I risked becoming an addict again, compromised my morals, and then when the  death knoll was wrung by Chef putting another woman in my spot, I lashed out in pain at him and her, utterly wishing that I could just die before I turned into one of those horrible, bitter, angry kind of women that seems to radiate their misery to anyone that happens to come near them. God, just shoot me. I don’t want to do this anymore.

Each step of the way since the day I had to put real, physical distance between us, I’ve been on this roller-coaster of emotions. At first, I couldn’t stop crying, and the pain and grief of this betrayal manifested itself in a physically painful ache in my stomach. I would radiate between wanting him back and hating his very guts. Yes. I know we aren’t supposed to hate, but I think I did hate him sometimes. Through all of this, this Meth-ed Chef would not, and still will not really talk to me at all about how all of this came to be. His over-worked, sleep deprived mind has worked out this ridiculous, easily proven incorrect version of the story that makes him a little bit guilty, but not much, and I’m just a lunatic that over analyzes everything to the point of nausea. He remembers clearly the lashing out I did in response to some of his actions and words after I found out about his affair and the scummy act of moving her into our home,  but he either can’t or won’t actually remember his actions that prompted that response. The apologies, when they eventually do come, are delivered in a short, angry way most of the time, and they almost always include an ultimatum that we won’t be discussing this stuff again with some references to what I should be apologizing to him about.

And yet, to this very day, meth continues to flow through his life. For just a little while, he seemed back on the path of sobriety, and I was beginning to see a little of the real Chef coming back. But it was very evident to me today…Chef can’t kick his addiction alone, and he is just too prideful to get any help. His girlfriend, T, left him a few days ago because he disappeared on her too…twice. I don’t know how many times I layed in my bed hoping she’d one day feel exactly what I was feeling then. But when it actually happened, I was surprised at how sad I was for her, too. Those long, frightening nights I would wait for him, clearly knowing that he probably wouldn’t come home at all would run through my head, and I was ashamed I had wished it on someone else. I’ve had to deal with some crappy stuff about myself, and in a way, I was angry at Chef for that too.

For a bit, I thought with all of my heart that maybe God was moving T out of the picture, and that I would be able to go home and work on my marriage with the newly sobered Chef, but I see now that I was wrong. I will not ever live with a meth addict that isn’t in recovery again, and that includes Chef. I don’t ponder whether I will ever be his wife again anymore. As emotions have become more steady and manageable, I’m able to make more decisions with my head …And without so much pressure from my heart. I’ve been spending time with Chef, but when he gets crazy, or mean, or lashes out, I’m able to get away from the situation. And each day, I let a little more of the hope and love go. It is easier and easier to picture a life without him. And thinking about that makes me sad all over again. I never thought I would ever walk away from him. But that’s what I’m doing more and more each day.

I’ve learned a lot about myself – good and bad. I can now see that I never really needed Chef to take care of me. I am able to make it on my own, and probably could have all along. I had made my husband my god, and he simply wasn’t up to the task. No one is. I have learned that I need to trust God. I’ve always known He loves me, but yet, I trusted in myself and my ability to fix problems, including Chef’s spirituality..or lack thereof. I learned that I can be just as mean and hateful as any other person on this earth when I’m hurt, and I’ve said and done things I wished I hadn’t. I’ve learned that while I’ve had to bury the dead dreams with the beloved husband I’d shared them with, new dreams will begin to take their places. I’ve learned to smile again, though it is a different one now. I’m not naive anymore, and I’ve accepted that I’m going to be a little different now. You can’t unlearn what you already know. And I know now, marital love was never supposed to be elevated to a god.

I’m finally being able to feel the forgiveness I’ve been trying to force myself to give. It isn’t constant, but it shows up more and more each day. I’m able to be sad for Chef and pray for mercy for him when and if he ever truly comes to the understanding of how much satan was able to steal from him. The crushing shame and guilt would kill me, and I truly don’t want him to feel one iota more than is necessary. I feel forgiveness and compassion for T also, because she has taken up my place in that losing, degrading, merciless war, and no woman on earth is a match for Meth-Mania. The unsuspecting girl only found out yesterday what was making him act like a lunatic all those times. She’s woefully ill-equipped. And my poor, haunted Chef is alone now in that house with piles of junk he is feverishly working on, all evidence of a family gone from it, with utilities on the brink of disconnect because he can’t seem to get a job. He’s scared, and I’m frightened for him. But this time, I’m not coming to the rescue. Only God is going to be able to fix Chef, and I’ve learned that lesson painfully well.

He is thin, gaunt, ill-looking, depressed, and always in a general panic about money and bills. Add to all of this the fact that he still has to talk about what his actions are doing to not only a completely devastated, disillusioned wife, but now a hurt girlfriend too. It is all falling down around him, and I can’t help but cry for him.

In other words, he basically is living in hell now. I so desperately want God to reach down and give him comfort, heal him, and give him hope. But I have learned my lesson well — I can’t save him. Only God can, and only if Chef wants Him to. But while Meth is pulling the strings, Chef won’t even notice his ship is taking on water.

I don’t write any of this to paint Chef as some horrible, evil husband and myself as the victim that needs pity. I write this because if one person reads this and decides they’d better do something drastic about a spouses’ sudden interest in meth, even if it is to walk away early enough to not have to suffer, than it was worth it. Meth is a deal breaker. It can and will steal everything that gives any joy right out of your life — your reputation, self-respect, self-esteem, family, friends, jobs, hobbies…all of it will slide away in its presence, leaving you completely and utterly alone in this world. I just hope Someone will answer his cry.

– Bird

Update: Please read The Devil Made Him Do It in conjunction with this article. Hindsight has given me a different perspective.

109 thoughts on “Satan’s Favorite Drug Ever – Meth

  1. Pressing like doesn’t feel quite right somehow . now bird you know i love you like a sister but I have to say this because I care about you….stop making excuses for him!!!!! Yes we have different belief systems but even if I went with yours Satan may have placed the temptation there but Chef chose to take it up. Believe me I know more than you will ever realise how hard it is to face the fact that the person we love has chosen a substance over us no matter what that substance is, but what I have realised is that it is their choice. Some people ill argue it is addiction they have no choice bollocks if that were the case no one wouold ever recover, they can chose to fight to save themselves, fight to save relationships, chose to keep seeking help until they get better or they can chose to wallow in self pity and denial but these are choices they themselves make as humans with free will. The hardest thing i think I ever learnt was having to accept that the choice I had was to stay or go I could not influence their choices at all

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    • Honestly, Paula, I don’t usually trust my feelings anymore at all. They are all over the place. But, in the end, I want to be careful not to judge him..at least, I’m trying not to, because I’m not his judge. Maybe I am excusing his behavior, or maybe this is how I am able to forgive him. Do you understand?

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      • I really do understand hun sadly all too well I just worry that while you still excuse him he still has power over you but I would also say is how can you really forgive him if you don’t actually face his failures fully (please don’t be upset with me) if you think about the kids when they were little and did something wrong they had to say sorry and then they would be told it was okay – sometimes you know they were just saying it to get out of trouble and would ask them what are you sorry for and watch them try to work it out, sorry without actually being sorry means nothing, The way I see it until you accept the chef made the decisions and satan didnt physically materialise pin him down and blow the meth up his nose with a straw then it will be harder for you to actually let go of the chef you knew. I know I sound like a cow today but its because I learnt these lessons the hard way myself

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        • You’re probably right…I’ve been excusing him for decades. Like I said, I don’t trust my feelings at all right now, but I will definitely reflect on what you have said. I love the guy, but I was honest when I said I’ve hated him too. I’m really trying to hate his addiction and the resulting actions, and not him. But even though he has begged me to come back to him, I was able to walk away saying no. And if I even consider going back a little bit, I have a full blown, need medication, panic attack. I can’t do it. I don’t think I ever will be able to. And no, you do not sound like a cow! I appreciate and value honesty, especially after this last year of lies.

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  2. Bird, I would hug you if I could. In the meantime, I’ll pray for you, and for Chef, and for your children. This was a very courageous and generous post, and I hope you don’t mind that I’ve printed it off to share with my children when they are of an age to talk about the horrible effects drugs can have on people and families.

    Peace be with you.

    Kelly

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  3. There is not much that I think I could say that would be appropriate or helpful as you were relating a story to help others

    All I will say is that I hope that God’s peace that passes all human understanding will be in your heart during this time of healing…Diane

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    • I kind of wrote it right now because God is giving me more peace these days, and I really am starting to get over the trauma of it all. So, thank for praying that prayer for me because it is working. All of this was too traumatic for me to just forget about it that quickly, and some of the scars will be there forever, but the healing is on its way. But life is about the lessons, and I learned some big ones through this.

      – Bird

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  4. although i feel your heartache in losing your best friend and lover, i am ever so grateful that you see life as it truly is between you and Chef. this in itself, will enable you to keep moving forth, the pain slowly fading and new doors opening up for you. Please let God continue to lead you through each day and give every pain, heartache, and sadness to him, he will help you. we are all here for you . love and hugs

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    • Thank you, Terry! Reality is such a depressing viewpoint, but at least it is honest, right? God really is starting to heal my heart again, or I would never have been able to write this post. I think that my hopes have just changed for all of this, and it doesn’t include a future with this Chef; only that Chef find sobriety and God again. There is a lot of peace that comes with just deciding to move on.

      xoxoxo

      Bird

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      • yes I know what you are saying. I can’t lie and make you believe that with my ex and I, there were many months ahead, that I would now grow weak and wish for the security of my past, but it alas, did pass also, and I learned or am still learning to accept me for who I am, and to be proud of what and who I represent. the lies and the pretending that I chose to make myself believe, were not who I was, and to finally break from the false pretenses, is a blessing in itself!!! I m always here for you!

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        • You’ve been a very good friend to me, Terry. I do really thank God you found your way to my site. Thank you for always giving me sound advice and sweet encouragement!

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        • Terry, we are creatures of habit and most of us don’t like change. We like our comfort zones and there is nothing really wrong with that. It’s comforting to know the house you live in will still be there when you get home from work that night…as opposed to those souls who managed to survive Sandy, but not with a home to go to afterward.

          Life is so weird and unpredictable. I would have liked to have had a marriage that sort of got “worn into” like a pair of old favorite house shoes, rather than never knowing whether or not he was going to run with the wolves the next full moon. Actually, He acted more like he was raised by them during those times.

          Yes, Bird, mine had drug problems too, but his drug of choice was actually whiskey, and no, I never knew when a binge was coming. But when it did, it was bad. So much in your post here was so deja vu for me.

          Some women, and men as well, would rather stay in a bad situation, because it is “familiar” to them, than make changes -which can be pretty scary.

          Change gets easier for me now than it used to, because I know one way or another, Jesus has my back, if I’ll just try to relax, not stress, and let him work things out one step at a time. It’s nice to have options though instead of being backed into a corner.

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          • I agree. Even though a part of me longed for my old life, every time Chef would invite me back, along with all his promises to stay sober, I’d literally have a panic attack. Now that I have my own place that is safe and inaccessible to Chef, it feels like heaven. Suddenly, here he was inviting me back to live in hell with him when i already had escaped it to heaven. I couldn’t do it. And I knew it wasn’t that he really wanted me back either. He just knew I made more money than T and they had been struggling financially. I just can’t understand that kind of thinking. When i tried to tell him how insulting and rather creepy that was, he didn’t seem to get it. I can truly say he doesn’t feel familiar anymore. My husband (the essence of who he was) is just dead.

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  5. Yea it sucked/past tense. Present tense, it still sucks with minor improvements as the days go by.

    I like this saying as it gives me hope..”If you’re going through hell, keep on going”.

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      • This Thanksgiving Day weekend seems to have been sort of a time for us all to slow down, and reflect on life as well as things to give thanks for..precious peace of mind, safety and serenity to be just some of those,

        Bird, from my own experience I think I should share with you that those panic attacks are nothing more than warning signals. Listen carefully to those as they will spare you much grief.

        As for “promises” from an addicted husband, child or friend, beware of those. I’ve had all three to learn from. Sad but true. But let me share an example from my experience with my own addicted ex, who wasn’t yet my ex when all this was still going on and he was very much in the throes of being controlled by his addiction, and on the other hand, he was my addiction. Yes, we are addicted to them, like moths to flames.

        Anyway, when he was on the skids and maybe broke from one of his alcohol/drug binges, he would come knocking on the door promising the sun, moon and stars if only I would give him another chance. I was his comfort zone, safety net, meal ticket, safe house and financially security, and there were those times he’d sell his soul to the devil just to have those needs met and tell whatever lie he had to tell to make it happen. He probably thought he meant what he was promising. And me being co-dependent, addicted and madly in love with him, not to mention lonely and more than a little H-word, being weak, would take him back in, make chicken soup, wrap him in love and comfort and patch him back up again, being the nurturing chicken soup making fool I was.

        However…without fail, when he would be all nurtured and patched up again, it would never fail that the moon would turn full again, and the call of the wild would draw him back out to tackle another binge head on. I might not hear from him for a month or so until the next go round. After awhile I learned not to trust a thing he said, or open the door when he knocked, because the outcome was predictable.

        Plus, it was getting to the place where it was breaking me down spiritually, financially and emotionally, affecting every area of my life. Finally, the Lord had to step in and flat out tell me I needed to stop trying to put a cushion under his butt, because I was getting in the way of what HE, the Lord, wanted to do in my husband’s life, and that was supposed to take priority over my own interests and desires, That my husbands salvation and deliverance was the goal, not even my trying to want to hold my marriage together. And also, that if I kept messing around and interfering as I was, that I was going to get hurt even worse.

        I began to see that because as long as I kept meeting my husbands needs, from binge to binge, I was not only enabling him but I was getting in God’s way. Isn’t it strange we can want so much for their salvation but it takes awhile to figure out that we can’t fix them and we might even be getting in God’s way by not letting them come to the end of their rope.

        I finally asked the Lord to take it out of my hands. But, in the process of praying that…I had to stop taking it out of His hands with my enabling. Even God needs time to work in someone’s life. It might take 6 months, or a year, but one thing for sure, “You will know them by their deeds”.

        A real spiritual birth is a supernatural miracle, not a promise.

        It’s hard enough to live the Christian life even with the baptism of the Spirit and maybe years of experience. Even if and when a guy gets saved, they still have to go through the same steps of being a baby Christian, then learning to walk before they could even think about running.

        For me, over a period of time once I got over him, it came to the place where I wanted more from a man, and wasn’t going to be satisfied with a baby. leaning on me. I wanted and needed someone to lean on myself and until I found that “right one” , Jesus took care of me in so many miraculous ways.

        After I began to heal, I began to see and appreciate strong, seasoned, men of God that had weathered many spiritual storms and were still standing. I was changing and no longer had the same priorities. It’s an ongoing story, and I’m no longer sad or hurting over him like I was when I thought I was gonna die without him.

        Everyone has a story and that’s part of mine.

        The reason I’m writing these long comments right now, is that back in the day when I was going thru all this stuff, I needed more than anything to talk to girlfriends and listen to their combat stories too. I think it helps.

        I think your a very strong lady, but you don’t have to be a rock of Gibraltar. Being a bird in your own little nest seems pretty nice right now doesn’t it?

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        • You’ve confirmed everything that I thought God had been telling me. I want very much for Chef to be saved, and I know that is the single most important thing here…not my marriage. You’re right. I really do want to hear other women’s battle stories. This whole thing made me feel so very alone – like I was the only woman in the world going through this hell. I’m no rock of Gibraltar. If you had asked me before all of this if I thought I could live through something like this, I would have said no. I’m a little amazed I’m still standing. It is only because Jesus could handle this nightmare, not me.

          I’ve been researching codependency and enabling, and I’m guilty of both. I have been giving him money, food, etc. although I do say no to him a lot, which was an actual improvement over what it had been before. I let him know today that I’m finished with him completely. I didn’t want him to call me, write me, or come by my apartment. I thought that I would cry and be sad and miserable all day, but instead, surprisingly, I didn’t cry and had a really nice, peaceful day. It isn’t much, but it is something.

          lol…I love being in my little nest!! It is peaceful and has moments of laughter. Chef’s home is dark, solemn, and full of heartache. Whenever I leave there, I am sad at how different it is now.

          Do you mind me asking how long you and the werewolf were married? He sounds a lot like my creature…lol! How long have you been divorced?

          Thanks!

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  6. Bird, I’m so sorry for the hell you’ve been living in. I have not ever been addicted to drugs of any kind, so I can’t speak from that experience. However I grew up with a brother who from an early age was an addict. He is 50 and still is. And he’s in jail, and violent. It’s been difficult to navigate the waters of my fathers estate needing his signature on everything when he is so difficult. His brain is fried, and it cannot be fixed. Why do I say this? Because I have come to realize that some people are beyond fixing (not that I didn’t try), and that although he blames me for so much, it’s not about me. And, it’s not about you. Chef has his own demons he has to fight. You cannot do it for him, which I think you know. It doesn’t make your road any easier, or being able to let go any easier–well, maybe in that it relieves you of responsibility for him. But if we are “fixers” or people who like to try to help people or naively think that it’s even possible we can only let go when we realize that sometimes God puts in our lives people who are not, and cannot be our responsibility. If anyone has any experience with drug addiction, or knowing someone that has, then they will not see this as an attempt to belittle him, or make him look bad. It’s is simply a story of sorrow. Recently my brother wrote me a letter in which he claimed that my husband and I could now go out and have a drink and laugh at him. I was shocked to think that anyone could even do such and thing, and I told him so in my response. Laughing at someone with an addiction is the height of cruelty, IMHO. I thank God every day that I don’t have that particular issue, (even though I do have others). I pray that you are able to fully let him go, and to realize that maybe, it isn’t God’s plan that you are his savior. Much Peace to you.

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    • Allthingsboys,
      I didn’t mean to interrupt your comment, the internet being what it is, our messages just crossed paths. Sorry!

      Couldn’t help but read your comment, and want to say I am so very sorry for the tragedy in your family and your sadness for your brother. But I think you may have touched on something very true about drug addicts fighting their inner demons. For this reason, I have to believe there is a very real possibility they could be delivered and healed with the right spiritual help. I’d not want to think anyone is beyond help, but just like you, that’s it’s not for us to try and fix.

      As it was with my ex and also a loved one and a friend…they know the terrible condition they’re in deep down, and in an attempt to “save face”, and what little self respect the have left, they often try to fix blame on others, especially those closest to them.

      Nevertheless, it is true we have to mix compassion with letting go and letting God do His work in that person, while still telling them that we love and care about them, but have to remove ourselves from harm’s way. Each case is different, whether a husband, child, brother or friend, and have to be handled differently.

      I’m sending a prayer for God to do a delivering, cleansing and filling work with these men. Nothing is impossible with God…and nothing means nothing :)

      If these comments are stimulating some venting and pouring out–wow! That is so cathartic and healing. We might as well put the coffee pot on and get the cheesecake out!

      Shalom~

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      • Scarlett, no worries! I too would like to believe that God can deliver him. But I don’t know that he will. I do believe that it is a fact that not everyone is saved. I have quit trying to figure it out. God will do what he sees fit. It’s hard to find the line you speak of, trying to move out of harms way while still conveying that you love them. They often don’t understand that, because all their relationships have been based on manipulation. A refusal to participate is often seen as a lack of love,concern, or caring. I have no one really to talk to regarding this, and it is such a relief to see what other people think, how they handle it what they feel, etc. Thank you for commenting.

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        • We don’t know if someone will repent and be saved, but what we do know for sure is that since God is a good God, he will do everything he can to bring that person to repentance and salvation, even if it means playing hard ball, (In Job 33 passages).

          It’s hard to understand how God can use Satan as an instrument to do this. But an example is in http://kingjbible.com/1_corinthians/5.htm where Apostle Paul instructs the church at Corinth to kick out a man who was blatantly sinning, and then Paul says this astonishing thing, that he is going to turn the guy over to Satan for the “discipline of the flesh”..in order that his soul might be saved.

          So, basically Satan is turned loose to bring pain and suffering on the man. Of course Satan enjoys his work, but pain, including emotional pain, has a strange way of making people cry uncle and turn to God.

          Paul didn’t do that because he was mean, and neither is our compassionate God.So, the lesson was that it was better to apply tough love than allow the man to go on in his unsaved, unrepentant sinful condition .

          People like your brother may not understand now, but hopefully they will later. I know some of the accusations they sling out, but we can’t allow ourselves to be guilt tripped into participating in their self destruction. To do that is akin to sticking our hand in a blender, (figuratively).

          I think talking things out with others is helpful and healing instead of keeping our problems stuffed down inside of ourselves.
          .

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    • Everyone goes through their own garbage, and I’ve had my fair share. The problem with this particular trial was that I knew I was fighting a battle I couldn’t win and yet I couldn’t make myself stop trying. Even today, I’m still trying a little to save him. It is like I have no control over myself! That part about how your brother says you can go laugh at him struck me as so familiar. Chef says that to me too. There is nothing funny about any of this. It is tragic. Not hilarious. As for addictions, I thank God that He wired me in such a way that addictions don’t sit easy on me, or who knows …we’d have been selfish, itchy, creepy junkies together. Thanks for sharing this with me! Every single story really helps me.

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      • I liken it to being part of our DNA makeup. The need to be the cure; but it isn’t something we can remove from ourselves like tumor. I know exactly what you are saying; I’ve thought it often about my relationship with my mother. I KNOW that even from the moment I was born, I wasn’t what she wanted. But the knowledge could not change my absolute habitual efforts to change that–over a whole lifetime. And I thought for the first time last year, I realized that it was a part of me as thought it was wired into my DNA, and something I am unlikely to change. Not to say that this relationship itself compares to yours and Chef, just that the NEED to fix it is likely to continue. With my mother, at least I can still accept her as my mother and have somewhat of a lopsided relationship with her accepting and knowing what it will be like. With Chef, that is just out of the question. It would be too harmful for you, and not necessary. You will eventually find peace, I know you will. Love and hugs.

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  7. These two men do sound a lot alike, and I guess that’s because they are. When I said “husband, child or friend” , a few posts back, it wasn’t by accident. Whether people claim to be Christian or not, that is to say, “even Christians”, until they learn to completely trust in the Lord, instead of depending on money to get by, are totally capable of manipulating others to get by or survive.

    That’s why your husband “doesn’t get it” when you try to tell him how insulting and creepy it is when he comes to you for reconciliation in order to have money to get by and have his needs met. He doesn’t understand his own hidden heart motive. But you deserve so much more than that. It “Is” insulting. It makes it look like he’s wanting to get back in where it’s warm and safe, but not for the right reasons. You said you didn’t understand that kind of thinking. I call it, the primitive mind..that operates through the reptilian thinking mode. It is creepy because it represents the unsaved mind.

    Yes, of course it takes money. We all need it, but, here is the caveat…
    People who haven’t learned to trust the LORD for their needs just think in terms of money and throwing some more money at the problem, and yes, some of them would steal from their own mother if need be to get it.

    As long as an addicted person can prop himself up with money, or get someone else to, he’s not going to turn to Jesus. When I ran into my ex one day after we split and after our divorce, he had already hooked up with this woman in yet another co-dependent relationship.. And when I said goodbye to him, I said, “Well, take care of yourself”, and he smarted back and said,”Yea, and if I don’t, someone else will”, meaning her. Well, that backfired in the end. Anyways, that was over 10 yrs ago.

    Like I said before, we were married for 4 yrs. Someone might say, “Well, that’s not very long to count much”. It’s long enough to turn your heart inside out and your world upside down several times over and totally destroy a going business financially”, lol I can laugh, (now). No, it’s not as long as 20 yrs, and kids, and so yes, that is worse without a doubt.

    If you’ve prayed and feel led by the Lord and made a firm decision, then yes, it’s best to make a clean break if you can.It will probably save you a lot of grief just cutting off seeing him until you can at least do it without feeling torn and tempted. . It’s not surprising you feel sort of peaceful. Making a decision is half the battle right there, because vacillating back and forth will keep you miserable and in doubt constantly.

    Blessings down your way~

    Scarlett

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      • You got that right baby! I said that for the benefit of anyone that may not understand the meaning of the term “loose canon”, or know they have to be tethered down immediately or they will soon wreck everything in sight. Or, if they can’t be restrained you better get the hell out of the way.

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  8. First of all- thank God that you pulled yourself and your family from the horrors of that situation. Second of all- not once did I find myself disliking Chef or thinking that he was a horrible person. He fell under the influence of a horrible drug, and this has been the painful, spiralling result.

    The love that you have for him still comes through in all of this. There’s more than a hint of “warmth”, but that’s not a bad thing at all. After all, the person you love is not the person who exists today but your love cannot simply be split between the two people even when is overshadowed by the other. You will probably always have that in your heart, because as far as I’ve seen in my short life span, women find it almost impossible to forget someone they chose to love unconditionally- especially when trusting has always been difficult. Unfortunately, unconditional love can leave a bitter after taste when the person you love commits the one act that permanently changes how you look at him/her- in this case M*th.The thing is though, like Paula has already said, to an extent you’re still making excuses for him. The devil ultimately has no final say in our lives, it is up to us whether we will fall to the temptations placed or turn to God for strength to push pass them. Chef chose to succumb, thinking that he could handle it and needed no one to protect him from himself. In the process you’ve seen what that has done, and you’ve shown us the surface of what it has had on all of you. My heart goes out to everyone involved in this, and the one thing that has come out the better from this is your faith in God, and his ability to always be there for you. It’s even better to know that you are capable of seeing past your emotions to the reality of the situation and the various actions that Chef performs under the drug’s influence. Please don’t lose faith in your instincts and emotions. Everyone messes up, but these mistakes are there to make us stronger, not drag us into a new situation where we’re afraid to trust our own emotions. It’s not about the emotions at all Cathy (not sure if you’re fine with Bird again), but rather about how we use those emotions to strengthen ourselves and the people around us, and so far you are doing a very commendable job. You’re looking forward, moving forward, picking yourself up and learning from all of this with God’s help and turning this into something positive. Remember that the actions prompted by your emotions must in some way strengthen you, and help the people around you and I’m sure that you won’t go astray. Most importantly, always keep God in mind. I’m sure you know all of this already, but it never hurts to have a friend reinforce your thoughts. <3<3<3 Take care of yourself!! I love you!! <3<3<3

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    • Thank you, Kadeen. I know I tend to make excuses for him. It is second nature for me anymore. I know he made a choice to use this drug, and continues to make a decision every single time he picks more up to pursue this road instead of saving his family and himself. I just am struggling with forgiving all of this, and right now, this is what makes it easier — hating the sin but loving the sinner. As time goes by, I’ll come to terms with his full part in this, as well as mine, and I’ll have a healthier view of the whole ordeal. For right now, though, I am taking one minute at a time, and not trying so very hard to make myself feel anything I just can’t right now. Does that make sense?

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      • It makes absolute sense! You’ve been with him longer than I’ve been around, and I cannot begin to imagine what it’s like to see the one you love become something less than what he was and could be. I’m really sorry if I came across as forceful or overlooking the intensity of your emotions right now <3<3<3

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        • No, I don’t think you have been too forceful or anything. I appreciate that you take the time to write me and encourage me. I’m going to make it through this…somehow. I just get impatient sometimes, with the situation and myself.

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          • Remember that story you told us about your motorcycle accident? How you were so impatient to come home and finally convinced everyone to let you back without the extended care? And what happened next? You were left with a truckload of things to deal with that you weren’t ready for and your healing took a longer than you expected. It’s the same situation here, except that this was a mental accident. Unlike your physical wounds, the healing cannot be gauged as easily, and sometimes it forces you to do things that you think everyone is expecting from you when really all that’s wanted is that you take care of yourself………

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                    • That makes me feel so much better. I don’t feel like anyone can learn much good from me right now. This is a test I haven’t passed yet, and while I hope that I do, there is a lot about it I failed at. Thank you, Kadeen. It is good to remember that people can learn from our failures as well!

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                    • Tsk, tsk, tsk as CJ would say, “Mama Bird”, you’re selling yourself short. Remember…..the Bible is made up of a bunch of people who made mistakes and wrote them down for others to learn from, just like they did. David was classed as a man after God’s own heart, and his son from a sinful relationship was known as the wisest man on Earth. No one is perfect, and it’s those imperfections that make us become good human beings and good Christians :-D They show us where we’ve been, where we are, where we going, and in the process helps those around us when we least expect it ;-)

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  9. I don’t even know what to say Bird :(
    I haven’t been through this situation, so I can only imagine what you have been going through.
    But then saying that..whenever I think about you..or you pop into my mind..you post something on your blog.
    I usually take that as cue to offer some prayers up for you and your family.
    Like I said, I probably cannot even start to imagine what you are going through, but God knows, and I’m asking him to help you with it all.
    Stay strong xx

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  10. Praying for you all, such a heartbreaking story, I am one who left early and watched as the prodigal son returned to us completely healed. Yet this story reminds me to not take any credit for the courage to leave or the strength to stay away. I must give God alone that glory! He said “Go” I said “Surely Not!” But I knew.
    Satan has had to keep upping the anti, each a new more powerful deception than the last, each able to block out the voice of God more and more…However I believe only for a time! NOTHING CAN OVER POWER GOD! NOTHING! GOD WILL HAVE HIS DAY! HIS VOICE WILL BE HEARD AGAIN!!! AMEN!

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    • From your lips to God’s ears!! And it takes a lot of trust in the Lord to walk away early, and I admire you for that. I was told to, but didn’t. I will never disobey Him like that again!

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  11. Dear BIrd,

    I have nominated your blog with the Blog Of The Year 2012 go to my blog to accept the nomination and pick up your award. http://donkeywhispererfarm2010.wordpress.com/2012/11/25/blog-of-the-year-award-2012/

    I continue to pray for you and your family, in Jesus Christ name. You are strong stay close to Jesus hold the cross tight against your neck.

    On a personal note; I lost my only birth daughter to meth in 2006 and my only granddaughter to adoption from the hell meth stole from my family. It is such a long and painful story I can not talk about it. Perhaps one day you will send me a note at Melody@donkeywhisperer.com as I would love to talk to you off line to try and understand this satanic drug Satin uses to destroy families.

    Your friend, Melody

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    • It doesn’t have to be meth, It can be almost anything. I’m a mom that’s gone through the nightmare of a son who I saw slowly slip into the black hole of depression coupled with physical pain, then into prescription drug abuse. I was new at this one, it was different than with my ex, who would just leave the house when he wanted to binge on shooting up meth and/or get drunk…or I would kick him out.
      My son lived with me, and at first, I didn’t know how to handle the situation. Many a night back then I would knock on his door, and then find him passed out in some weird position on the floor, and I would manage to get him into bed and watch him for hours to make sure he was still breathing. I was scared, but still in denial. This COULDN’T be happening to My son! He’d be OK, or so I thought. I didn’t know then, that I should have called 911 and gotten his stomach pumped.

      This nightmare scenario that lasted for years, culminating with God taking it out of my hands and son in jail, He’s been clean for 2 years now, and living in an Oxford House in Tulsa, and thank God, working. There is no way I would go through that again, trying to prop him up and keep him out of trouble by paying the bills. bailing him out of jail, etc. I had to learn the hard way and it nearly broke my health, and it did break me financially. I could write a book on living through addictions with a loved one. I want people to know that anyone on hard drugs is capable of ANYTHING. I saw my son do things that absolutely terrified me, but I also knew the “other son”, the loving compassionate happy son. Like Cathy and the Chef she knew, I didn’t want others to judge him, but I still feel the need to warn others about the dangers of drugs, that it’s a killer. And I am not going to feel guilty about it.

      I knew a woman that kept silent about Lyndsey Fiddler and her meth use when she was 4 1/2 months pregnant with Maggie, and Lyndsey asked her “not to tell”. She might have made a difference if she had “told”. However, both Lyndsey and this woman were both in Behavior Sciences in the hospital at the time, and I know in my heart there were a lot of people that knew about this and didn’t tell,
      http://www.newson6.com/story/15622270/judge-to-sentence-bartlesville-mom-over-death-of-her-infant-daughter

      Lyndsey is the meth addicted mom who put her 10 day old newborn baby in the washing machine. That’s what I mean about an addict being capable of doing anything., and I mean anything.

      They are out of control, and need long term treatment and rehab. Lyndsey and her entire family were on not only meth, but every other prescription or illegal drug they could get their hands on at the time this happened. Her mom had already died about a year earlier from an overdose.

      Very young druggies here are dying like flies. God put my son in jail to dry him out, He’s a lucky one. But I had learned a relative in some cases can court order rehab and intervention when it’s felt an addicted or unstable loved one may be a danger to themselves or others. So, we don’t judge them, but we don’t feel guilty about getting them help, or getting ourselves out of harms way. We’re not doing them any favors by enabling them. This probably would have been much more quickly resolved with my son if I had known then what I know now. Yes, we can suffer for our own sins, but we can also suffer for the sins of others. Like they say, “If it doesn’t kill you, it’ll just make you stronger” but that kind of strong I think I would like to live without now that I’ve done it and “hopefully” it’s over.
      Long post, but maybe it will help someone else. That’s why we’re talking about these things, to show how hurtful and serious the drug problem is. Meth and this new “bath salts” stuff is at the top of the list.

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  13. I’m not religious, but I completely understand the sentiment that meth is the work of the devil. I’m a meth addict. Current, past and probably future. There is no way out of the hell that meth creates. Ironically, it is nearly sobering to look back and see what I’ve done with my life and what I’ve done to others, including my parents and family. But not sobering enough. Meth takes hold, slowly but surely, and sooner or later you become dependent on it, not for sex, not for the high, not for the rush, but simply to live. All else becomes secondary. Those who stand in the way or try to intervene will be brushed aside.

    I live in what is perhaps the meth capital of the nation, San Francisco. I literally cannot walk down my own street without being offered meth. In this environment, staying sober is not just challenging but nearly impossible. Friends have lost their lives to meth, my social circle is completely composed of addicts and my world has been turned upside down. What seemed unthinkable a year ago is now so common I don’t even give it a second thought. But it happens so slowly, so insidiously, that there’s never a definite turning point – it just evolves. Any you get used to it, numb to the effects, not just of the drug but the effects on your life. Relationships ruined, jobs lost, housing abandoned… I never thought I’d be homeless, not with my college degrees and social status, but when the time came, I wasn’t even phased by homelessness. As long as I could still get my fix, life was fine. How depraved.

    Yes, I’m a meth addict. I may not be proud of my circumstances, but perhaps I can be a warning call to others. People think it’s just another drug, a party drug, like ecstasy or cocaine. Its not. Meth kills.

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    • I appreciate you sharing this with me. It is chilling to hear you describe exactly what I’m watching happen to my husband. I’m really sorry you are struggling with this.I really tried everything I could think of to help him, but nothing worked. I hope you are able to kick this illness and begin a new life. I am going to pray for you…in the end, there’s nothing else I can do. But, I’ll be thinking of you, and wishing you all the happiness in the world.. – Bird

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  14. Been there done that. Walked in those shoes, took them off and threw them away. Funny it was back in the 70′s and that BF still does meth. Sad but true. It certainly is the devils drug. It is hard to realize there is nothing we can do with someone like that no matter how much we love them.

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          • On a side note I got an notice from a family member, their music teacher and her husband were killed by their 27 years old son. He beat them with a sledge hammer which is what he was doing when the police got there. He was on meth. It really IS Satan’s favorite drug and he has soooooo many followers. Stand Strong.

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            • This recovery group I used to belong to had a married couple that both were addicted to meth. The wife especially was really doing well staying sober, but the husband was struggling. One day, they just stopped coming. Later, we found out that the husband, blitzed out of his mind, killed his wife, then had sex with her body, and the police found him crying over her body.

              I hate meth.

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  15. Hope

    How much your story mirrors my own just scares me. How many others are suffering as well? Watching the person you love slowly die in front of you is horrible. I, like you, stayed quiet & tried to get him to stop while walking on eggshells. So many nights were spent waiting for him to come home, but scared what I’d find if he did. If I have learned anything I agree with you – I would tell someone in the beginning stages to get support & get out. Easier said than done I know. The chaos & destruction meth brings into a home is indescribable. I wouldn’t believe my own story if I hadn’t have lived it.

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  16. Anonymous

    Chef’s NO GOOD! I have many solutions to help meth users but nobody can afford to accept the truth. Just respect mental dopamine for thyroid chemical balance. That’s all.

    I really need to share my life with Oprah and Dr. Phil. I am a veru special person with deafness. I am a strong Christian by God’s Will completely. Meth is just medicinal which has good and bad things but to keep busy said in the Bible. My family is still beautiful.

    Help me because I have a deep problem with communication abuse and barrier since I born deaf. ADA Law does not support because of governmental laziness that God forbids! That’s the only sin I keep trying to fight.

    TO WHOM MAY BE CONCERNED TO CONSIDERATE MY OFFER TO CURE METH EPIDEMIC FOR FREE: I’m willing to accept to share along with CHRISTOPHER VAN SCOTT the psychologist from Gallaudet University who did his best about the death of my step-dad. For psychologist to find me for Oprah and Dr. Phil, I may be reached through Tony Sunseri or Darlene Sunseri or Deanna Baker whom do not believe in me with greattest love the world can ever imagine.

    Thank you! This is the first time I’ve made my decision on this website. Please be nice to meth people difficulty because they really fear anything on Earth than God. I’m different with an ultimate gift.

    Anonymous (Name to be revealed can appear for Oprah Winfrey. Learn your patience.)

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  17. Most terrible concerning the truth of meth. Had a happily married friend who tried, continued to use, and became an addict. Went from neighborhood good guy who loved sports– to guns and prostitutes and more drugs. I pray you are able to make something positive for yourself from the upcoming holiday as well as your future..

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  18. DaRcy Louer

    Thank you for sharing! I too was married to a meth addict. We called her “annie” after the anhydrous that is used to make her. I despise annie now and then. He died in 2007 from a heart attack. Second cause of death was years of meth use. The mood swings and hatred of me was excruciating. SO many journals filled with tears. SO many years of sorrow, my depression and unhappiness while trying to hide it from others. Now I don’t want to speak ill of the dead but cringe when people talk so positive about him. He left me with 4 boys. I am recently remarried and happy. The anniversary of his death is still very difficult for me because of the memories….that date is tomorrow 12-21. Thank you for letting me see that I am not the only one feeling the feelings. Have a Merry Christmas!

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    • Thank you so much for sharing! It makes me sad when anyone goes down this path.

      I’m very glad you were able to get remarried and that you are happy again. I have often wondered if I would ever get over any of this. Thankfully, it seems I have.

      Blessings to you and yours!! Merry Christmas!!

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  19. Teresa

    I swear I have read your story over and over again! It hits so home I’m in disbelief ! I can’t even see straight cause my eyes are filled with tears!

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    • Oh, Teresa!! I’m so sorry you are having to experience this trip straight through hell personally!! If there is anything I can do, please feel free to ask. I know talking to people about what it was doing to my world really helped. There are a ton of us on here who are always willing to listen and cry with you. Hang in there… You will make it through. I promise.

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      • Teresa

        Sometimes I’m so numb to the truth. My husband says I’m an alcoholic but I’m like sure. Rather be an alcoholic than a drug addict! I work 2 jobs. Don’t have one single day off! Maybe he’s right…indeed he is! Everybody needs a out and that’s mine. Sadly. I’m just trying to let go and live another day. I know I’m not perfect but I have 2 children whom I love with all my heart! And with my mother committed suicide when I was 7 I would never put my children through that.

        Sent from my iPhone

        >

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        • This message ended up in my spam, hence me not understanding your other message. Are you ok? If you just need sometime to talk to, let me know. I understand both sides of this problem. Hang in there.

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      • Teresa

        Bottom line. I’m pathetic! I’m sure after everything you have been through. Im just trying to find myself cause I don’t won’t to die..as tempting as that is

        Sent from my iPhone

        >

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  20. I feel for you, truly feel for you, reading this, just made me think back to my friend, and her life and how her now ex husband had been. The way she would tell me how bad it had gotten between him and her. Just keep your head up with all you are going through, God knows, and you and yours will be alright through all of these hard times.

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    • Things are good for me right now. I sold advertisement on this post and I want them to get their money’s worth. It is a cool company that helps addicts.

      Hope you are doing well!!

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  21. Such a sad story Bird. I hate to hear of the break up of marriages because f the affect it can have on the children. Sometimes it happens because two people just don’t love each other enough any more. But rarely does it happen by choice and this is what I think happened here, Chef chose to take the drug and chose to keep taking it. He could forsee the effect it would have because the meth addiction is a well traveled and documented road. In the end it’s selfishness that leads to addiction because the addict is always willing to put themselves first. It seems like you have nothing to reproach yourself for but you shouldn’t excuse Chef’s choices by subscribing them to a satan figure as since you believe in him he might not appreciate the bad press you’re giving him. Any satan is just Chef’s own mind choosing drugs over family.Surely as a believer in God you’d know that Chef was given the strength to oppose satan if he chose to. Personally I subscribe to the belief we make our own choices and lay the blame for the drugs firmly at Chef”s door. There’s a life for you out there. Be angry at Chef for choosing drugs over you and the family but don’t make excuses for him.
    xxx Huge Hugs xxx.

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    • When I originally wrote this piece, I was trying to remain open to the fact that it takes two people to ruin a marriage. I didn’t want bitterness to take root. I do believe that satan was involved, but you are very correct. Chef chose to go down this road himself. Since all of this happened, I’m at peace with my part in all of this, even if it was only a small part. I have forgiven Chef, though I’m still unable to be around him much, and I feel real sympathy for him and what he is now having to face.

      You are also right about giving someone who has a hard time facing their own faults an “out” by blaming the devil. I find that Chef tries that tactic more than I’m comfortable with.

      Life is just one long lesson. I’m still learning!! Thanks, and huge hugs back to you!!

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      • Brian Tuhoi

        Ok – have read Birds latest comments .

        My summary thoughts are
        - do not contact him, feel sorry for him, pity him. These emotions , pity in particular , can indicate you are trying to rescue (read control) him. Will keep you sick, even if you don’t think so.
        - focus on you Bird. This is now all about you, how you feel, what are your real motivations for contacting this guy still. You need to be very, very honest here or you are on a “highway to hell” (love AC DC!)
        - the cheating that he exposed you to cannot be excused in the context of his addiction . You only saw the surface of his cheating. I spent thousands on prostitutes when in alcoholic madness , but that behavior and the damage it caused to my significant other at the time cannot be excused by “Brian was an addict – it wasn’t him”. He cheated on you, stole from you – move on. Move on means no contact for 3 years . 3 years is a manic number – enough time for both of you to transform your lives .
        - you seem to be insightful / intelligent . That can be a curse , as it forces over analysis which leads to inaction and lack of change . You cannot think your way into right living , only live your way into right thinking. Start with your behaviors , your actions , your routines. Don’t visit this bloke – cut him. Your feelings / emotions will change after your behavior does , then ultimately you will come to a clear position around where you sit with yourself , the relationship etc – but start with healthy behavior .
        - get out if ur head :)! Mix with healthy peeps, have fun.

        Take care . Good article , shows what addiction can do, and also demonstrates typical co dependent behavior patterns of affected spouse !…

        S

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  22. Luke 10;17 “When the seventy-two disciples returned they joyfully reported to him, “Lord, even the demons obey us when we use your name!’

    “Yes,” He told them, “I saw Satan fall from heaven like lightening! Look, I have given you authority over all the power of the enemy, and you can walk among snakes and scorpions and crush them. Nothing will injure you. But don’t rejoice because evil spirits obey you; rejoice because you names are registered in heaven.”

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  23. I’m against the War on Drugs completely. It has been one of the most colossal waste of taxpayer dollars and law enforcement resources in American history. Meth is a horrible drug and really shouldn’t be used by anyone. But we shouldn’t be locking people up in jail for it either and giving them criminal records. And making it very difficult for them to get good legal jobs. When we could be putting meth addicts in drug rehab at their expense and on their health insurance instead. And at some point eliminate the meth market all together. Not by putting people in jail or showing them they do not want this drug.

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  24. Brian Tuhoi

    A LOT of co dependence oozing through that piece . Author needs to harden up and cut this guy loose . Never talk to him again . Sure, remember the good times – most of the 20 years were probably quite good. But for Pete’s sake, MOVE ON.

    I am an alcoholic – like the spend 3000 in a weekend type and lie, cheat , spend everything i have type. Sober 10 years now and god willing won’t return. I can smell co dependence a mile away, and that story oozed it from its soul. Author should get help (lots of it) – she needs it not the meth addict. Move on – shut the gate. You are not unique , or super intelligent or anything special , and you certainly can’t fix that bloke . I know that sounds harsh , but what I am really saying is fix yourself not him. YOU are broken not him.

    He’ll use til he’s 70 on and off , wobble precariously through life, then die fairly early, unless he wants to sober up. You contacting him will keep him sick – you enable his addiction by providing a mental safety net for him.

    Find someone else . You are probably fairly attractive and in yr early 40s, enjoy life. Get well. Remember the good times , as I am sure they were really good, but be very clear that you being in contact with your ex will destroy you both . Don’t do this for HIM – you be selfish – move on for YOU. Find someone healthy, and consider Al Anon – at least go to a few meetings just to learn a bit more about yourself . You will have big walls built up living with that bloke – the fixer , not realising how your behaviors enabled his (they did not cause his addiction and cheating , they just were a catalyst once it started – so don’t blame yourself).

    I know plenty of people who have been through relationship hell due to addiction of one partner. 75% get on OK , seek good help, heal etc after they have left their addict other , 25% spiral into insanity themselves and become miserable emotional wrecks for a very long time ,and a very small % take their own lives. The difference in how you recover (and you will be as sick as him in some ways) is all about how honest you are capable of being with yourself , and how much work you put in.

    S

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    • I’ll have to agree with your assessment completely. I wrote that article about a year ago, within a few months of leaving my ex. It’s easy to know you’re codependent. It’s harder to make yourself stop being that way.

      I’m definitely on a much happier road these days, and you’re right about not having my ex be part of my life. He sends the occasional text once in awhile, but it’s really over. I’m at peace with all that happened, and I accept that his choices have consequences that don’t have to be mine.

      I loved both of your comments, and will probably bring them to the forefront again in a new post I’m writing. You make a lot of excellent points.Plus, I laughed and laughed at you calling me “fairly” attractive. Awesome!!
      I hope you keep coming back and laying out the truth in your blunt, straightforward way. It’s refreshing, and the honesty is sharp and effective. Thank you!!

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  25. As a recovering meth addict, I want to say thank you. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a more accurate account of what we addicts put our friends and families through. You had a tough break there but the way you handled it and then overcame it just tells me you’re made of some pretty stern shit.

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  26. Trina

    You don’t know me, I stumbled across your blog as I was looking up some info on meth, but I HAD to reply. As I was reading I was just so broken….finally I found someone who I could relate to. See I’m engaged, and my fiancé is addicted to meth. I’ve known him over 20 years, and have loved him almost as long. He’s struggled with this drug in the past, but had sobered up and that’s when he finally felt ready to marry. Unfortunately, the drug reared it’s ugly head, again, and our engagement has taken a back burner to this horrible, devastating drug. Of course, at first I was determined to stand by him and work it out, but reality is beginning to set in, and I’m having to come to terms with the fact that I just don’t stand a chance against that drug. I’m dealing with so many emotions…..guilt, because I feel like I’m giving up on him, embarrassment, anger, disappointment, overwhelming sadness. I want to thank u soooo much for your honesty and transparency on this blog. I just want you to know that after reading this, I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m fighting a losing battle, and that I need to walk away! Once again, thank u, I just felt you should know that you have made a difference in a very confused and conflicted life!

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    • Oh, Trina! I am so sorry to hear you are going through this! I just want to ease some of your guilt that comes from walking away.

      I walked away from Chef. It took almost a year for me to decide I couldn’t save him, and what I realized later was that all my caring and “help” was only mitigating his “rock bottom”. When I finally did walk away and refuse to be drawn into anything, he found himself alone, broke, and homeless. That’s when he sought help, and he’s now clean today. He got his 90 day chip yesterday.

      Walking away and letting someone deal with their own addiction is actually the most loving thing you can do for him right now. He will rage against the selfishness of it all, but isn’t what he is doing selfish? Don’t believe a single thing he says. It’s the drug. If he is ever going to get clean, you have to do the really hard thing. Trust me. Walking away and NOT helping is much harder on us than our walking away is on them.

      For what it is worth, Chef cried when he thanked me for leaving him behind. And if he can get clean, anyone can.

      My heart is with you. If you ever need a shoulder to cry on, send me an email at cathiemartin68@gmail.com, and I’ll email you my phone number.

      Be strong! You’ve got this!

      Bird

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  27. myswmari4@gmail.com

    My God I read your story. I almost thought I was reading all about me and my Tamils. I thought I was the only one with a horror story. As I know first hand my bill went to prison 5yrs I truly believe his brain will never be the same. He still Bates me as well as our kids. Bill was my only friend and we will never be the same like u day by day u just try and get through a day. If I can with out another horrible dream then its a good one. I was with my bill about 30yrs. Married just one time about 20 or so yrs into the relationship. I loved him dearly I guess I always will. I was 16yrs when we met. I’m 51 now that sick empty feeling in yore gut never ever gos away. The closest to having my bill back is when I have a dream and he is so sweet. I even wake up crying but I will always feel for my one and only true love. Thankyou so much for sharing your story. Diane

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  28. Wonderful. Very honest. I especially appreciated that you pointed out that meth allowed your husband to do things that he ordinarily would not, but you didn’t give him a total pass. You have a great understanding of the disease of addiction. I’m glad that you finally found the strength to move away (physically at least) from the situation. Good luck to both you and your husband.

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  29. Great post, and it is not fair that you had such a raw deal.

    I agree that meth is evil, but I do not believe in either Satan or God. In a way you are still condoning what your husband did. The truth is, the devil did not make him do it. I understand addiction, too well, and was a user myself, every day for around seven years, but everything I did, I chose to do, and it is important that I realize my own responsibility and accountability for it.

    Meth brings out the worst of us, and even though it might appear to change us completely, it doesn’t really change us that much. We do what we nned to do to get our drug, and all our loved ones suffer because they happened to be in the way. But even though we have no control of our life, we know full well what harm we are doing.

    I had to make the choice to stop, by getting the help I needed, and to do whatever was required to ensure that I didn’t hurt my loved ones anymore. If I can do that, I believe that any person who truly loves and cares for you could have and should have done the same. The fact that he did not reflects on him as a person, not Satan, and certainly not you.

    Maybe it brought out a part of him that wasn’t apparent before, but at the end of the day, the evil here lies in the heart of man… Chef. Not the drug. Not the devil.

    I hope you can learn to live with this, and I can assure you that it does get easier as the years go by. It’s similar to losing a loved one who died. You don’t get over it, but you do get used to it. What works for me is optimism, and living for now, today; making the best of what I have and focusing on making the best future for my son, one that will never involve meth or any other drugs.

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  30. For some reason there are weak-willed people in this world. Addictions (of various types) claimed one of my best friends. In a way it was her fault and in a way it wasn’t. People don’t choose to be weaker, but they do choose the substance to satisfy them. It sounds like you are strong and God will probably use you in many ways. Be gentle with yourself and protect yourself. Putting up barriers against hurtful people is for YOUR protection. It’s a defensive, not offensive action.

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