My Pictorial Summary of the Last Year of My Marriage

I don’t know about you guys, but I love pictorial stories. And thank the Lord, the internet is just swimming with the perfect pictures, quotes, and general information needed to put together a fantastic pictorial story. So, since my day started off like garbage, I’ve decided to write a pictorial of the last year of my life that makes me feel better. This, added to all the encouragement and general outpouring of kindness you have all showed me, has helped me end on a more positive, happier note. You guys are the greatest!!

On October 16, 2011, Chef decided he was old and needed to launch into a midlife crisis to make himself feel better:

It only took me one whole year to decide that I was finished being shook up.

Because he always does things in a really big way, he chose the absolute worst drug on the face of the earth to play around with and lost his mind:

But it looked like so much fun!!! Trust me. It isn’t.

And who could have guessed that inserting Drano, Lithium, and who knows what else into his brain would make him insane? Well, I could. I’d seen it before with my first husband. But I was in love, and I just knew I could save him. How many people on this earth have thought that exact same thing?

Unless you become a meth addict. Then, I don’t want you anymore. Your flaw almost killed me.

For months, I tried to deal with his problem without any help. I didn’t tell anyone…our kids, families, friends…no one. I didn’t want to embarrass him. I thought I could fix it by myself, even without his help.

Everybody stand back! I got this!!

It was ridiculous now that I think about it. I used to think I was pretty smart. You sure couldn’t tell by this whole fiasco!

I mock no one anymore. I’m living in a glass house.

As the drug took over, my life turned into this strange roller-coaster of secrets, PTSD, lies, pain, and addiction. It was horrible. What was worse is that because of the nature of the problem, I felt like I had to keep his secrets, too, and I hate secrets. I seriously HATE them.

He had locks on all kinds of stuff. He had lots of secrets, I guess.

The up side of it was I gained some interesting skills that ensure me a place as a low level mob known associate. Either that or I can become one heck of a stalker. I can pick locks, break passwords, use an adapter to see what websites he’s been looking at, clean out viruses downloaded by porn, and run off bikers from the front porch with a shotgun. I’m flush with new skills!!

My favorite was busting his passwords and changing them to things he’d never guess. I know. But I had to have some fun somewhere.

Finally, I figured it all out, and it turned out he was being unfaithful. It was a kick in the gut, but I seriously already knew that was what he was doing anyways. I just wanted some proof. As things fell even more apart, I finally turned to my family and friends for help. Every single person thought I should leave, but I didn’t. I just didn’t want to believe he would pick a drug over me and the kids. But he was too far gone by that time, and I should have given up. I mean, he was doing bizarre things.

How crazy am I for trying to reason with this?!

He is always surprised at the level of hostility I have about him cheating on me. Seriously. What did he think I’d think?

Finally, after a seriously dangerous incident, I finally put distance between us, but I was a basket case. I couldn’t believe all of this was happening.

My pain and sadness was understandable, but I felt pathetic. I knew he had done things to me that other people would never have tolerated, and yet I couldn’t quit excusing him. I still excuse his bad behavior. I think that makes me somewhat pathetic.

Even though I am a Christian, there were times that I lashed out, wanting him to hurt like he had hurt me. I’m ashamed of that, but it is what I did.

This is pretty close to the terminology I used….

Finally, days started coming and going without the tears. I was able to not think about him, or my whole life, for an hour here or there.

Ahhh. I’d love a little amnesia right about now. :-)

I still harbored some hopes that one day I’d get a chance to talk to him about all of this hellish behaviors that cost us both so much, but he doesn’t want to address any of it with me. However, he’s still pretty upset that I wouldn’t move back in with him when his girlfriend dumped him and turned off his utilities.

Wow. This is him in a nutshell.

Now, even though I live in a new apartment, love my job, have my kids, friends — both online and in real life — I seem to not be able to shake that last little bit of codependency that strives to make me as nuts as he is. I wrote him off forever, and within 24 hours, I’d answered his phone call again. I felt low, low, low.

Wretched Addictions  Why couldn’t we have shared the same one? Oh, that’s right. We did. I’m addicted to him, and so is he!

But, thank God, I was able to get my feelings out, get great advice and encouragement, and I’m back on the path to healing again. Thank you all for your prayers and encouragement. Don’t count me out yet. This war isn’t over !!!

Ok. It’s a little off the message, but I want this sign for my bedroom. :-) It makes me laugh.

Love, Bird

30 responses to “My Pictorial Summary of the Last Year of My Marriage

  1. Really you pretty well explained the sequence of ‘events’ and very honestly. You’ve been very open and that in itself had to be one of the most difficult things to do. BTW You may not feel like it..but you are one strong ‘lady’…Diane

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  2. The one that made me laugh the most was the guy with his machine gun trying to protect his muffins from the “shadow people”. Take care of yourself Bird. I’m glad to see that your sense of humour is still up and running :-D

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  3. Even behind all the laughter (which is good) I can still sense and relate to the deep pain and codependency. Our stories are a lot alike! Way more than I care to recall! But my Redeemer Lives and so does yours! I am praying for you. You will overcome I am confident of that.

    Love & Prayers,
    Dana

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  4. See, it’s getting easier isn’t it? At least when you can get mad or even laugh at something that’s obviously wrong, instead of crumpling into a ball of hurt, pain and tears, that is the beginning of the healing process I think.

    I like the parts in the bible where it says something like, “And it came to pass”, which to me, denotes change. And i LOVE Psalm 18. http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm%2018&version=KJV.

    This was David’s victory song when the Lord finally delivered him from his enemy, after a long hard trial… in this case King Saul and his gang, who’d been literally trying to kill David This picture of God is one in which people should be very careful how they treat the Lord’s children, and is not a God you’d want to mess around with. We don’t gloat or rejoice when our human enemies fall, but I think the Psalm is talking about spiritual enemies who work through people.

    In another place in scripture it says we wrestle not with flesh and blood. It gets maybe just a tad easier to not hate someone who’s been crapping on us when we look at it that way. It’s not really Chef that is the enemy but the wicked spirits that seem to have control of him right now. I’m praying for his deliverance from these spirits, and that he will repent and turn to Jesus and that he’ll get his eyes open to how his rebellion and what he’s been doing has hurt those who love him, and…himself.

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  5. I am glad it seems like you were finally able to move. I wish you health, happiness and above all else peace of mind. Sometime we have to decide that we are the ones that deserve to be happy instead of always putting them first. Blessed be and god bless you.

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  6. Brilliant! Thanks for a humorous look at a devestating situation. I did this insanity for 7 years of a 14 year marriage, so congratulations for being smarter than me, some are sicker than others, lol.
    Good news, we haven’t spoken in 3 years (thank God no kids with THIS one) and time does heal. I thought the grief would kill me, sometimes wished it would, but,Grace of God, still standing. My epiphany was realizing he needed saving, but only Jesus could do that,NOT my job!
    Blessings to you!

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    • Oh April, I’m really sorry to hear you lived so long in that kind of nightmare! But, Praise God, you are out and healing now. I know what kind of grief you must have experienced. I felt like he’d died, and his corpse was haunting me. It’s horrible!! I’ve been told I deflect with humor…I don’t necessarily agree, but I guess there are worst ways, right? I’m hoping Jesus smashes Chef until he comes to the Lord. I’m completely ok with his fleshing burning so his soul will be saved! He cringes whenever I mention that… :-)

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