Trying Not To Be Pathetically Codependent — And Obviously Failing Miserably

a beautiful macro shot of Crystal Methamphetam...

a beautiful macro shot of Crystal Methamphetamine in a black background (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Today has already started out crappy, and I’m going to write about it with the hopes of getting a grip on myself.

I can’t seem to escape the hell that is Chef right now. I made it a whopping 24 hours of ignoring him before I broke down and answered the stupid telephone. Why???? It never works out well for me!! As usual, he starts off with, “I’m just making sure you are doing ok.” What a load of nonsense! Because it was quickly followed up with, “I can’t get my modem to work.” I didn’t care about his problem, and told him he’d have to call the people he got it from and get them to help him. After a few minutes, when he realized I really wasn’t going to drop everything, run over, and install his modem for him, he hung up. This morning, it was that he needed a shower..could he take one here? I reluctantly agreed, and guess who he brought with him??? T!!! So much for the break-up. Needless to say, he didn’t get to stay and take a shower. What on God‘s Green Earth am I doing here? How do you make these people go away?

Of course, I can be mad at him all I want, but the sad reality is that no one was holding a gun to my head, making me answer his stupid phone call. I need to know— does one ever get over this codependency crap, or am I doomed to be used by this person forever????

Sorry for the anger, but it is directed mainly at myself. I’m a weak idiot.

– Bird

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54 Comments

  1. You are not weak idiot. You are just a human being. Studies have shown that it is possible for humans to be addicted to another human. And just like getting off of drugs you go through a withdrawl phase—the same things happen when a break up happens—you have to go through the withdrawl phase. Yes, you will get through it out and come out of it on the other side. I guess that is why they say no contact with the other person is best. Hang in there my dear.

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    • lol…This is withdrawal symptoms? That actually makes sense. I feel head-achy, irritable, and nauseated. I’m thinking I need to get out of the house and leave my stupid phone here. That way, I can’t be tempted to answer. Thanks, Ivonne!

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      • Yes, many studies have been done with humans and how the brain works on drugs and in love—same results—so yes, you can be addicted to a person and not know it-and if the sex was good even worse becuase there are more hormones which released into the body. Also another study found that semen had five hormones in it which are necessary for a women’s well being and mental health—so yes you are going through a physical and mental withdrawl—so eat good food, work out and do healthy things to help your body go through this.
        :)

        ivonne

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        • Thanks, Ivonne!! That makes me feel a LOT better..lol. Of course, I quit having sex with Chef a long time ago, so I haven’t gotten the 5 hormones in awhile! Meth, while enhancing their libido, kills their ability to actually have sex, so you can imagine how much fun that is for everyone involved! I’m going to follow your advice and treat this like I’m coming off of something. Thank you!

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  2. You’re not a weak idiot..you are trying to move on with your life, and the fact that Chef keeps popping up when you are doing better doesn’t help..
    Don’t blame yourself..it’s a process..
    Next time, don’t answer..you probably have a rough idea about how the conversation is probably going to go..but I think you hope that it doesn’t go that way and try to give the situation the benefit of the doubt.
    Don’t pick up the phone.
    *I hope I wasn’t out of line for saying that*
    x

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    • lol..No, you weren’t. I knew I shouldn’t answer. I KNEW I shouldn’t but I did anyways. I won’t again..today..anyway. Thanks, Apple!

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  3. After spending the better part of your life with the man of your dreams, of course you are going to have problems. It does go away, thankfully, and things will get better. As hard as it sounds just tell him no and stick to it.

    Life does get better after divorce.

    Ed

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    • Thanks, Ed. That does make me feel a little better. I just want my divorce and to just be literally finished with this whole thing. Why can’t he just leave me alone???

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  4. As has already been said you are only human, in our hearts we want to believe the best in someone long after our head has seen differently, Keep your head held high hun and your eyes looking ahead at the future not glancing back over your shoulder at the past

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    • Good advice, Paula. I’m trying. I just hate it when I prove so completely that I’m so weak.

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      • I don’t see weakness – if you had been weak you would still be lying in bed on a night waiting to see if he came home knowing what was going on but sticking your head in the sand – strength comes from recognising our frailties rather than pretending they dont exist

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        • lol..Ok. That makes me feel better, too. I did leave him. :-) I just wish I hadn’t picked up the stupid phone. It’s like being clean for a year and then using a drug again. All that hard work is just up in smoke and you’re beginning again!! LOL! At least it was only for a day. I think I’ll do better the next time.

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  5. It is a bond. What God has joined together. You can break the ties, though, just as if it were a word curse. You can renounce the bonds, sort of like repenting of a sin, but with different words. It can be a transaction in the heavenlies, just like turning one’s back on any other demonic attachment. Which this has become . . .

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    • It has become a demonic attachment, hasn’t it? I was beginning to think that. Great.

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      • Yes, truly great to know what is going on. And those who say it is also physical are correct, too. Just as with alcohol, it is a physical port to the soul, reinforced by every sound of his voice, touch of his fingers, smell of his clothing, IN ADDITION to the memories of those things.
        One flesh, right?
        No wonder some in your circumstances go numb.
        Don’t go numb. That only works temporarily.
        Instead, take every thought captive and make every thought obey Christ.
        Easy for me to say; hard for you to do. Yet it is the answer, and half the battle is just knowing who the enemy is and what to do about it.
        Also, in temptation, which is what the phone calls really are, you should run the other way. There are so many ways to keep that phone from EVEN ringing, such as turning the ringer OFF, it’s obvious.
        Child, when sinners entice thee, consent thou NOT.

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  6. You’re not weak. In my opinion it takes just as much strength to pick up that phone as it does to ignore it and walk away. Both outcomes can be predicted by you, but there is still that gleam of hope that something will be different when you choose the option…….and in both cases you’re being hurt. Give yourself time, and rather than manhandling yourself, perhaps the next time the phone rings and its him, you can try plugging in your headphones with the most upbeat music you can find and heading out the house for some icecream, or bike ride or to walk the pets. Perhaps you can get one of your friends to set his number on your caller’s ID to something that you wouldn’t recognise but would still not be inclined to answer out of curiousity. Emotional barriers will not always work, but physical ones can help too, and it will take the pressure off of you physically and mentally. Just my suggestion. Take care of yourself <3<3<3

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  7. What you want to happen didn’t happen…….overnight or in the weeks since the separation. You seem to be still of two minds …one..to let go..and the other to ‘perhaps someday work things out’. Otherwise you wouldn’t probably answer his calls or ‘let him take a shower at your place’.

    No one needs to tell you what to do or not do except YOU. And once you make the decision do the best that you can to stick with it. I don’t mean to make it sound easy because it must be very hard to turn your back on all those years that you had together if that’s what you decide.

    May you have the wisdom to make the decision in your best interest and a peace to follow….Diane

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    • I think my mind wants out, but my heart doesn’t want to believe he’s gone. Still, it doesn’t matter. I’m not going back. I had the opportunity to all these last few weeks and I just can’t go back. I know it is over. That is what makes this so crazy!!

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  8. Ok, so think of it as a refresher course. Or negative feedback therapy. Necessary treatment for the illness of dependency. Eventually you’ll say no, and not answer every time. It’ll get easier eventually.hang tight!

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    • I was able to ignore other calls through the day. And it felt so good! But, of course, I start thinking that maybe he’ll say something different this time, and I won’t have ever heard it. It is crazy. I think some of his insanity has spread to me!!

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  9. Contrary to every self-help, religion based, people that think they are smarter than you site, you DO NOT get to choose who you fall in love with. You are not weak. Keep going.

    Tim

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    • Ain’t that the truth? I so wish I didn’t love him! As this drags out, I’m losing my ability to think the marriage was ever worth it. But, in the end, this love isn’t good for me at all. I need to move past it. :-( Thank you for the vote of confidence, Tim!

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  10. Bird, I’m in Europe now vacationing with the kids. You’ve been one of about three people who’ve been close to my own goofy, idiotic withdrawal. Ivonne was spot-on with everything she said. For me, the first time around was horrific, Chris’ death was the abrupt withdrawal of a very positive addiction. Yes, they can be positive, like addiction to exercise, addiction to good habits as well as bad, and the first six months or so was a complete haze, surrounded by loving people who held my hand every time I wanted to do the equivalent of ‘picking up the phone’. For me, that was disengaging, too many PTSD meds, etc, etc.
    Withdrawing from my own T after a mere SIX MONTHS of bonding with him was simply miserable. But you know, some of the best advice I got was this. “Zero, nothing, nada, zip.” No emails, no calls, no contact, avoid that at all costs for thirty days. Like an alcoholic, you gather strength at that thirty day point. I’ll give you whatever you like to celebrate, mark it on your calendar. When I did that, it was like “Hey! I am not as pathetic a loser as I thought I was!!” and life was brighter. As you know, after about six weeks our paths crossed again unfortunately, and this trip I had planned months ago came at just the right time. It is so strengthening to be away from relationships that are draining and destructive, I can hardly tell you. You can do this.

    Much love,

    V

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  11. By the way, the last column is brilliant. I’m going to use it, somehow. I’ll ask your permission first. Also, do you remember HALT for addicts? Chris and I learned this years ago. Ask yourself these questions before you do anything questionable. Am I HUNGRY? ANGRY? LONELY? TIRED? Fix those things first. And please, eat something.
    Much love,

    V

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    • I’ve never heard of HALT but it is excellent advice. Thank you! And I tried to eat today. I think I need to see my doctor. My stomach really, really hurts. I think it may be more than this emotional upheaval. I think maybe it is an ulcer. My dad gets them so it stands to reason…Thanks for mothering me, Vic. I miss my mom right now!

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      • I understand, sweetie. Been there. Blood sugar is super important though so listen to me here. Small meals, no acids as in tomatoes, black coffee etc. Forty pounds plus is too much, you’re skinny enough. Unless gluten is an issue, a piece of whole wheat toast, an egg this morning. A small glass of milk. A banana. No OJ, at least not until you’ve had the toast. Cheerios and milk helped a lot for me. NO cigs until the calories have gone in, the nicotine will kill your appetite. OK? Promise? :)

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  12. Bird, I’m no expert or anything…I have been blessed with a little bit ‘o wisdom. Perhaps you should love yourself a whole lot more and recognize that you deserve a whole lot better; that God has a future which includes great peace and hope; that you cannot fix anyone…not even yourself…all you can do is yield and allow HIM to fix whatever is broken or what has been breached in your heart…life…and the people involved therein. Chef is broken and needs the great physician to fix him….that would not be you, unfortunately. I pray you are given the strength to step off of that hamster’s wheel…I’m sure you’re beyond nauseated!! Just a thought. Blessings…

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    • lol..Yes. I am beyond nauseated! Thank you. I do know this is futile. That is what is making me so nuts about it! But, I do know that God didn’t have this crazy ride in mind for me for the rest of my life, and I was able to leave. For me, that’s something. I trust God knows what is best for Chef and He loves him more than I do…(especially now). I just need to get over this last hump, and then I’m going to be free. That’s how I feel, anyways.

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  13. it took me months to get over an ex that had complete control over my mind, reminding me daily that i needed him because i was too stupid to make it on my own. now months later i don’t even think of him for weeks at a time…………..and then i look back and wonder how i let someone like that possess me so badly. really! how much smarter I was than him, he was just bull shitting me because he was the insecure one, never wanting me to quit babysitting him!!!

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    • I keep reminding myself that it is my money Chef is wanting, not me. It helps. I hate feeling used!

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      • that is exactly what my ex wanted from me. it wasn’t that i had money, but i worked, allowing him to spend all of his and then come to me for mine. BIG USERS!!!!! SOME MEN ARE!

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        • Schmucks. Well, you’re right. I’d rather be alone than with a user. I’m glad we both escaped that!!!

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  14. Love you , Bird, and am praying for you. Thinking about how when we are weak, He is strong. May He be your strength , defender, deliverer and strong tower today and everyday. May He intervene with the phone calls. I’d hate for you to lose your phone, but . .. .Or is there a way you can change your phone number, and just let the ones close to you know? God bless you and be your Help.

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    • It is my work number. It would cause too many problems to change it because it is on my business cards. But that is okay. I have a plan in place to make sure I don’t answer again. I changed the ring to something obnoxious and the kids will answer from now on if it rings. He will NOT speak to the kids….It is one thing to blame your wife, but how can you place any of this on your kids? If I’m alone, I’m just going to not answer, and pray. That’s all I can do now. But I think I’m going to do just fine. God is giving me renewed strength. I just had a bad day today, that’s all.

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  15. “How do you make these people go away?” You don’t…… especially on days like today when it’s a full moon. Seriously.

    You either have to get a stomach full of it until the very thought of the person, (as they are now), makes you want to toss your cookies. Or, you get your divorce and move out of town, which is what I had to do with mine, until I got over him.

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    • I’m hoping he’ll go back to Texas. I’m not leaving my friends and children here. I have the best job of the face of the earth, I love my apartment, my friends are the best…nope. I’m staying. He’s the one that has nothing to leave behind. He has one girlfriend who has already left him once. That’s it. He needs to go. And he has told me on occasion that he was thinking of leaving to go back there. Of course, I think he was just saying that to manipulate me. It didn’t work, but who knows?

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      • I think you’re comment shows tons of strength. I didn’t have kids to leave behind and it was a good move for me.

        If you’re set in with a good job, kids there, and an apartment, then all you need is time. You WILL eventually get tired of this and it looks like it’s happening.

        I just wonder if he thinks telling you he’s going back to Texas will cause you to break down and hang on his ankle and beg him not to go?. Maybe make him promise to take “T” with him?

        (you’ll have to forgive me, I’m just now finding out some of the details, like who “T” is. :)

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  16. T is the girl he was cheating on me with. Well, one of them. She was the only one willing to move in with him and turn on all the utilities in her name and give him money for his meth addiction. Problem is, he disappeared on her, just like he did me, and after the second time, she split. I got a call from him asking me to come over, and I arrived just in time to see her going off on him. It was kind of worth the drive over. But, she’s evidently back again. We’ll see how long she hangs for this nonsense. Probably a lot less time than I did given that they’ve only known each other less than a year. And what kind of love story can this be with it being founded on him cheating on his wife, locking himself in his Secrets Room for days on end scoping his porn sites, and writing love letters to his wife? Let’s not mention the insanity of his meth habit, his unemployment, and just how awful he looks physically anymore. I’m thinking it probably can’t last. But what do I know?? I’m still the fool that cries because of his choices!

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    • I’ve been watching some videos on YouTube about disconnecting from emotional vampires, and wished I would have put this info into practice back in the day, (even this past year). I would have spared myself a lot of grief.

      I liked the ones by a gal with the nick-name 4mingthoughts the best. She wasn’t a Christian, but she made some awesome points. She described these EV’s down to a science.

      I think another good name for these manipulators would be energy bandits. I am re-applying a rule to my own life to “guard my inner circle” and only allow those kinds of people into my life that add value to it. Life is too short to allow people to suck you dry, emotionally, spiritually , financially, or simply like a battery operating on a negative charge, drain you of your time and energy.

      It’s a fabulous bit of wisdom in the bible to not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers.

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      • Thanks, Scarlett. I’ll check her out. I agree. We sure would save ourselves a lot of headaches if we just stayed away from yoking with people who don’t believe. Lesson learned! Thanks for the advice!

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        • According to her videos- the rules change when it comes to marriages, or ‘relationships”. Been through that section, came out bruised and battered, but still kicking, lol! You will too in due time.

          Actually, I think all she’s trying to teach here is about how not to be co-dependent.

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  17. Have you given any thought to going to Al-Anon meetings? They were a tremendous help to me, and to others who have gone through what you have. Through this, I even found a sponsor who (hourly at first) helped me regain my backbone, and get reacquainted with the word ‘no!’

    If there isn’t a meeting scheduled near you, one can also join in some on-line Al-Anon meetings. (Not as good as the face to face ones, IMHO, but still worth a try…

    I’m praying for you Bird…May the Lord give you that peace that surpasses all understanding…

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  18. You have a fine talent for writing. The best friend you will ever have is you…
    http://poeticlicensee.wordpress.co/?s=Not+love+by+Lindell+Vecchio

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  19. You are probably going to struggle with this until you either don’t care about him anymore or you replace him with something else. Just being honest, because I’ve been there and I’ve seen my friends there. If you notice, most girls hop from man, to man, to man, because it is the easiest and quickest way to get over the last one. I would NOT suggest this by the way. What I DO suggest, is praying for healing from Jesus (because He is the only man who will ever be able to love you like you deserve to be) and perhaps finding a hobby to consume your mind with. This way, when Chef calls, you can honestly be “too busy” too worry about it.

    When I was going through all of this I took up ice skating, fruit carving, cake making/decorating, and dog walking all to keep myself occupied. Of course, you could also maybe get a membership at a gym? Perhaps start writing a book (since you love to write!). I could think of a ton of ideas here….

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