One Map With The Directions Through Hell

Ok.

So, now that my life has a routine, and I’ve pretty much said about all I can possibly say about the last crappy year, crappy drugs,

lol...It was through the destruction of one that I really SHINED!!

lol…It was through the destruction of one that I really SHINED!!

crappy marriage, and exposed my heartbreak for months on this blog, to the point of even losing some followers, I’m finding it harder to come up with things to write about. I’m happy and sad about this. Sad,  because I love to write on this blog, but I don’t know what to say now that I’m healing up nicely. The up side though, is that I’m happy, and while I’ll get a pang here or there, I’ve gotten more control over what I will actually allow myself to dwell on. I don’t kid myself into thinking it’ll be smooth sailing here on out, but the storms don’t take my breath away anymore. I re-blogged my letter to Chef so I could add it to my blog. I actually told the guy that I wanted to remain anonymous, but he might have misunderstood…lol. Still, when I re-read the letter, I knew I wanted it on my blog as part of the record of this whole painful process. So, no. I’m not feeling sad and nostalgic. I’m feeling like I want my writings all in this one place.

One of my friends on here, Paula,  encouraged me to re-read an old post I wrote when I was in the thick of the pain, and I have to admit, that was a hard read. It’s even hard to re-read my words prior to my soul-baring posts. I knew what was going on in my home even if I wasn’t writing about it. I have to admit there are a lot of things I’ve written on this blog that I may never read again. Maybe eventually I’ll go to the beginning and read them, but for now, I’m liking the peaceful feeling I have. The healing is going fine, but I’m not ready to walk through those corridors of my mind right now. I literally was an emotional mess.

One thing that I am thankful for though, is that I kept this kind of on-line journal through the worst part of it. I am so glad that time tends to soften the memories that tear us apart; often, it even allows us to forget some of them all together. How would anyone ever heal from anything if the memories stayed fresh and powerful? We need that forgetfulness to heal.

However, there is also a down-side to being able to forget, and I’m absolutely gifted at blocking out (eventually) what I don’t want to remember. I now know a lot more about who I am as an individual, but that doesn’t mean that I’ve actually achieved some kind of change for the better. I’m obviously a codependent person. I’m a control freak. I’m attracted to people who aren’t good for me. Well, I say that, but I’ve been married twice, and I don’t really know for sure I actually have a “type” of guy. I’ve spent my whole adult life married, so there isn’t a large amount of data for me to collect from, if you get my drift. But, I have learned to pay more attention, and spend less time excusing, what the people I love do. I wasn’t helping…I was hurting. I’ve learned that even when I didn’t even want to live anymore, I never gave up on God. I may be an appalling Christian, but I remained one. :-)

I will eventually re-read a lot of the painful posts because I don’t want these lessons to sink comfortably to the back of my mind. I don’t want to repeat history. I would like to learn these lessons once and for all so that there is no need for it to be addressed in my life again.

Most of all, someday I will be completely healed and over all of this mess, and I want to see the differences in how I thought before all of this, and my perspective after it was finally over and done with.

Hopefully, I’ve made at least one person out there not feel like the only person on earth going through hell. I received a lot of encouragement, peace, chastising, and prayers from people I’ve never even met. I think God was just saving my life when He planted the idea in my head that a blog would be fun. It really was a rather random thing for me to just decide to do.

Yet, it turned out to be crucial to this whole journey. So, thank you all, even the ones that dropped me when I couldn’t laugh for a while. I learned way more from you guys than you will ever know. And now I have this kind of map that I can look back on that shows how I navigated a hellish part of my life. Hopefully, I’ll never have to take this route again…ever. :-)

Love you,

Bird

 

 

 

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14 Comments

  1. I hope you continue writing…There will be other thoughts and issues that you may find an interest in writing about….Keep well Catherine..Diane

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  2. Love the post can’t wait to start reading about the next chapter in your life.
    :)

    ivonne

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  3. A couple of questions, sweetie. What day are we on for the OK countdown? And how is that going? Has it helped?
    Also, a suggestion.Perhaps you’ve already started on this and set it aside. But one of the reasons I’m taking this trip is because I wanted to finish a book that has been rattling around in my head, and I did. It was with the help of National Novel Writing Month (Nanowrimo, google it) and my scribbling daughters, who have been doing it for years.
    You spoke once about writing a book. How about it? If I don’t get pilloried by my readers, i’m going to start publishing chapters tomorrow. I think you’re a good storyteller, how about fictionalizing some of the past year? How about writing the way it might have turned out if Chef had let God have control of his life? How about writing about other meth monkeys who have gotten out of it? I have a buddy who was a very bad man. A meth addict, ran a lab in Reno, and hurt people. He’s been grumpily clean for over five years now. His name actually is Stone, and it’s called “Stone: The Angel with Dirty Wings.” Yes, he’s a believer now, but taught me that being a believer doesn’t always make you nice. Especially with meth in the picture.
    How about writing about meth mommys and daddies, and what happens to the babies? What happens to the children in spite of meth? go to some meetings, and see if you can’t get inspiration there. Most former addicts I know will tell uou there stories, and are flattered when you want to write about them. I bet you could do a really good job.

    So, there we go. Victoria, the Other Control Freak, trying to run your life. :) Seriously though, you’ve got some good material rattling around there.

    Much love,

    V

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  4. There is always good that comes out of bad…I do not know whether you had formal training or whether it is your pain that has propelled you into being an excellent writer. I feel your pain through your words. Write that book!

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  5. Jimmy

     /  December 3, 2012

    May i make a suggestion and say… stay away from motorcycles + vans. That lifestyle seems to be not so fruitful. Just sayin. PS. sam is livid pissed. She shat your name on the neighbors lawn. The neighbors lawn was my idea… but your name was all hers!

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  6. I’m so very glad to see/hear that you are healing. I find writing therapeutic, and the support from blog friends beyond measure. So…I also think that God planted the blog idea in your head! :)

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  7. I believe you are healing nicely. Sure it takes time, but what doesn’t when we need it so badly. Moving forward has huge rewards, as also leaving the past behind carries its own reward. Keep doing what you are doing Bird, as it is working

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  8. Hey Bird, thanks for posting my interview with Juliet Wright the author of Everything is My Fault – A Journey Through Co-Dependency http://www.OnPurposeMagazine.com under Related Articles.

    After reading this post where you talk about hopefully helping others I was moved and honored that you decided to add Juliet’s story to yours as that is what Juliet is all about. Helping others by relating all the mistakes, anger, hurt and pain she went through.

    Juliet found out who she is and is now happy and more comfortable in her own skin and I wish the same for you.

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  9. It will be interesting to see if less people read you now that you are healing and more happy in life. I for one like the change. I cannot read anymore tragedy and despair. It seems to suck the life out of me nowadays.

    I believe what you focus on expands and I see you writing about what you are grateful for and I see that the light at the end of your tunnel is love and happiness and not the headlight of an oncoming freight train.

    I for one believe that you can now help even more people that are having a bad year and can now talk to how to survive, what at the time, seems unsurvivable.

    Also thanks for including my interview with my dear friend and fellow survivor of deep depression and co-dependency Juliet Wright.

    Keep Writing
    xo :)

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