The Keeper of My Demons

As I’ve been saying over the last few weeks, I’ve settled into a pleasant routine here in my ghetto apartment. For the most part, I wallsexist completely separate from Chef and I am growing to really appreciate that. However, I’m noticing a different routine that is forming, and I’m absolutely going to root this one out of my life. It is a new routine Chef and I have developed, and I had to really decide last night to be the one to stop it.

Chef and I can’t make it through one conversation without fighting anymore. All communication has finally broken down, and yet, I find myself trying to communicate with him about how all of his choices and decisions have hurt me anyways! And he, in turn, throws up every wall he can erect to make sure we don’t focus on his shortcomings, instead constantly diverting the subjects back to how I have reacted to the various insults I feel he and his girlfriend have launched at me.

He thinks I over-reacted to all of it. You have got to love the male mind. :-)

And, I, of course, think he’s awfully easy on himself given the different rings of hell he’s introduced to my life. I know. Typically Female.

There is no way for us to meet in the middle here, and the bickering and fighting is worthless. I want to stop it.

Now, in all fairness, I’m beating a dead dog here every time I launch into that tired line of reasoning with him ad nauseam.

Why every single stupid conversation has to come back to all the cheating, lying, sneaking around, and the mind-twisting move of installing his affair-partner into our home, in my bed, and letting her wear my clothes, is beyond me. I don’t even really want to talk about it anymore. And yet, without fail, he’ll make a snide comment about how I cost us millions of dollars by tanking a lawsuit we were in, (and yes, I did do that), and I’ll  just have to defend myself by throwing back in his face what he did that made me do that.

And then it’s on.

Another boring, merry-go-round argument, that we’ll just end up digressing to the point that we’re launching rather witty and clever, but also very mean, and somewhat childish names at one another….Again. Then, we’ll withdraw into our perspective corners of Tulsa,  and there will be no communication…for anywhere between one day to two weeks, depending on just how below the belt we attacked each other in our last round. It’s pathetic, and I’m sick of repeating this useless exercise.

The silence is peaceful, and just as I’m relaxing into not wondering what he is doing, or how he is faring, I’ll get a text message from him. Some of them have been super sweet; some nostalgic for the days we were happy; some lyrics to my favorite songs; some downright sad; and all of them have the power to soothe me enough that I immediately break my promise to myself to ignore him forever, and respond. I wish I could say I was able to withstand the lure for even an hour. Nope. I’m woefully sappy when it comes to those texts. It’s just disheartening how quickly I text him back, that tiny bit of hope sparking back to life in the back of my brain.

Then, it quickly falls to crap, and I’m sitting there remembering how I could have IGNORED that text, and this latest disrespectful event wouldn’t have happened. Hind-sight is 20/20…dammit, Bird!!

I’ve noticed lately that we don’t communicate with one another well at all. And I’m pondering the question — What do we really have to talk about anymore? Our lives aren’t continuing down the same paths. We aren’t working on a relationship. We don’t have little children that keep us connected. The children that we did raise are adults, and can be contacted directly without me. We have no reason to stay in touch. I miss the way we used to be able to finish each other’s sentences, but that connection is severed, and it is just a form of torture to have to go through these emotional sparing with each other just to come out on the other side with the knowledge that it is simply over. How many times do we need to repeat this stupid exercise? Oh, please.

What would happen if he actually was sorry? Would I welcome him back in my broken heart? Can a dozen love letters untangle this mess he left me in? Would I go back to being the girl I was before if he publicly denounced the twit he lives with now and proclaimed his love for me from the rooftops? No. You can’t un-ring the bell.  The rose-colored glasses are off, and I can see both of us much clearer. I’d never be able to pretend I didn’t know the depths of his ability to hurt those he swore to love, protect, and care for. I know what I’m capable of, too, when hurt beyond what I ever thought I’d be able to endure. I’m learning to trust myself all over again…But he’s been introduced to a part of me that he never knew was there either. The relationship has changed from the knowledge of who we are capable of being, and there’s no going back.

There was a time I could have forgiven all of this and set about patching our relationship back up, but that time has come and gone long ago. There’s too much damage done, and daily we stab at each other some more, for no constructive reasons at all. Do I really care if he ever misses me? Maybe. I’m human. But I can live without him being sorry. I can live without him taking responsibility. I can live without him…period. I prove that daily.

Should I continue to let him come and go as he pleases, I’m worried that even the good memories of him will be tainted by this new, sad, angry, sneering version I purposely walked away from…repeatedly.  I say Chef left me behind, but I’m the one who left the marriage because of his infidelity, lying, and general coldness. Sometimes, it is good to remember that I was the one who had the courage to walk away into the unknown future.

It’s sad to leave an old friend behind, but you just have to when they cease to be your friend, and are, instead, the keeper of all your demons.

So, today, I’m deciding YET AGAIN to let Chef fade out of my life for good. Hopefully, I’ll be able to withstand the draw of Hope! :-)

– Have a Lovely Friday!!!

Bird

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23 responses to “The Keeper of My Demons

  1. 1. Quit answering his phone calls. He needs to grow up and learn to live life without you and your “ahum” support!!
    2. Quit answering his texts. As a matter of fact, there is no reason for you to even read them. He is merely trying to manipulate you, again. He needs to grow up and learn to live life without you and your “ahum” support!!
    3. Quit answering to this man, PERIOD!! You are smart, you know the consequences. Let him go.

    These are just my perceptions. {{Hugs}}

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  2. You are not retarded Bird, I’ve been there too. I think I had to let go of the ‘dream’ more than I did my ex. I had a ‘happily ever after’ planned that he did not want to participate in. My ex was unfaithful as well. And he liked to argue. After I left, he did the texting thing, and then would show up unannounced at my new apartment. Long story short, I stopped talking to him, whether he was right or wrong it really didn’t matter -it was still over. It just wasn’t healthy for me to stay in an uncommitted relationship. It was the right choice for me, but sometimes the truth still hurts. I respect your honesty and courage. You are worth fighting for.:)

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    • Thanks, Diana. You’re right. It doesn’t matter why, it is just over. And I think it is the dream that makes me sad, too. I’ll get this. It usually takes me a few dry runs before I’m successful!

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  3. I went through this too, way too long I think for my own sanity. I was constantly tired. Tired of trying to reason what was going on. Tired of the fighting. Silence became my friend. Moments I didn’t have to deal with him were heaven. Once I told myself I was totally sick of it it was a different world. I wrapped myself around anything that didn’t have to do with him. I went different routes so I wouldn’t see familiar places. i tore up photos. I rearranged my furniture. Threw out his remaining clothes and personals. I had my house clean and eventually my mind was free. you will get there too Bird. Have faith in yourself!!!

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  4. Hi…In order to really move forward you need …absolutely need to let go of the past…It’s always going to be there and you will remember it always BUT if you allow yourself to stop lingering in it, the memories will fade and you will be able to enjoy your current life…whatever that is or means.

    I realize it’s almost like an addiction to anything….the draw to return to old habits is there but you need to resist it with all of your might. Maybe you need to have something to do whenever he texts or phones…just as examples distract by reading, going for walk, ride, call someone who understands where you’re coming from…etc..

    Just some thoughts…thinking of you …Diane

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  5. Been there, it was painful and draining. I had to do what was best for me, the relationship wasn’t going to go anywhere and I had a lot of other issues to deal with! I missed him terribly, it was so tempting to answer his calls, I did not. I changed email and phone numbers. People can become very toxic addictions and, very destructive distractions.

    Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. We’re made for more than this, we deserve better. Enabling always breeds disrespect…and…insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting better results. :) Been there! We all have our demons, LOL, you don’t need to add any of his to yours. :)

    I know you’ll get this sorted out for yourself, you always land on your feet. I believe in you.

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  6. Bird, I have been reading this book and I think you will really like it.

    It’s about the brain and how it works and how we can make changes in our thinking to re-wire the brain and create a new life for ourselves. It has been helping me tremendously.

    And by the way you are just in a trap of old behavior patterns—-the book talks about this.

    Ivonne

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  7. As I understand it, your divorce is final, why are you even reading his texts? Why are you even talking to him? Tell him to back off and leave you alone or you will have him arrested for harassment!
    Other than ‘ I love how a mans mind works’ I can relate to your post. I am happy to say not all mens minds work that way, as a matter of fact neither do all ladies take the time to duke it out so frequently with their ex’s.
    You do have a good attitude about it, but is it worth messing up your mind over something that died because of improprieties? It is over, get on with your life and keep him out of it.
    When I got my divorce, I changed my address, phone numbers and even dropped some friends who were close to her – they kept telling her what I was doing post divorce. The shoe was on the other foot in my case.
    Put the past away and look to the future, you are dating a nice young man concentrate on him.
    Love you ♥♥!
    Ed

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  8. I have never been in this situation (thanks to God for that) and can’t pretend to understand what you have been through. But I understand a bit, a tiny percentage of how much he has hurt you. I understand that you want to help him (I don’t understand why, except that you are a nice person and you can’t just switch off feelings, but even so…). What I really think you should do is change your phone number. You have solicitors, he can send his manipulative texts to them. He won’t, because they ARE manipulative. I imagine your children will understand and not give him contact details. I know that this is a bit radical but I’m really hurting for you and know your hurt must be so much more.

    Please, for the sake of MY pain if not your own, don’t let him manipulate you. Tell him you are moving back in, with your own bloke. Get him back! I know you can’t, you are better than that and you have children – but I am so mad at him right now. (And I will understand if you tell me off).

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  9. Dear Bird, This is such a hard thing to do – to walk away from the man you love. The history between you….and mostly the good times. You are the only one who can stop this cycle. IGNORE him and STOP responding to his messages. Anyway my friend -= men want what they cannot have. If you are “unavailable” he will come running and then the decision will truly be yours.

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  10. Bird, stop chasing the dream it only existed thrum the rose colored glasses. I took off my rose colored glasses twice with a husbabd of 25 years and a married man that I believed and allowed into my live for almost 5 years shortly after my divorce. He was not the cause of my divorce but came into my life within the first 90 days of being single. I believed every lie even the one that he told about being seperated and in process of a divorce. I feel in love with a dream once again, just as I did in my marriage.

    It was only after falling madly in love with Jesus and learning that He and He alone would ever love me totally completely and unconditionally. I was only with Jesus that I truly saw that the second man was a lied and a cheat and had been every day that I had known him. It was my co -dependecy issues that allowed me to believe and love him. No one had ever made me cray like this man died. A few years ago I finally admitted that the pain wasn’t a broken heart it was because I had been stupid enough to continually be his victim and to even love him in the process!

    After realizing that Jesus love was all I needed and that I AM THE DAUGHTER OF A KING that I realized that I deserve respect and to be charished. I made a commitment to Jesus that He would always be first in my life and that any man in my life would have to love Jesus first for only then would I be able to feel Jesus’ love through his words, action and treatment. Being alone with my Lord was better than any relationship. I made a firm commitment that I wanted a Boaz in my life and not a Bozo!!!!

    Only then was I able to ignore the calls, text and begging .. I deserved better!

    Less than a year later I met that Boaz. We have been married 8 years. He is not perfect nor am I but Jesus is our foundation. We pray together. We each put Jesus first and each other 2nd. We have baggage but with God’s love we have a strong foundation and rules to guide us as we seek to treat each other as He wants us to.

    You deserve better…. ignore the texts, calls, … the lure of the false dream and pursue only truth and true love… you deserve to be cherished. :-)

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  11. This may seem a little harsh, but how can he miss you? He knows what he has to do to get a reply, to interact with you time and time again. You are a strong faithful woman, allow your hope to be in the Lord, who can do all things. When I was in your situation I made God a promise, and then begged for His help to carry it out. “I promise I will not reply to any message unless it is an EMERGENCY involving our children.” Then let God be the one to tell me “Yes you can reply now” when He said it was His will. I knew when it was an act of obedience and not an impulse anymore. Sending prayers your way to be free from the ‘keeper of your demons’. Love & Blessings to you!

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  12. You know, I was sitting here this morning in ultra snowy canada trying to find some INSPIRATION (which translated in french means “Inner breath” by the way :) . I am feeling ungrounded and disconnected from my spiritual life…I hate that. So I decide to try and find a book. Even the Bible is not inspiring me this morning. I read the same line six times and put it away. So I turn on my computer and decide to read, or study SOMETHING. This usually makes me feel better, I open my blog site, decide to read about someone else’s life :) and randomly pick a blog – which just happened to be yours. Hilarious. I always end up reading you at exactly the right time, because honestly I don’t have allot of time for blog reading lately lol. I am enjoying a rare quiet moment, with no kids, a dozing couch bound husband and a table at a window with light.

    Thanks for being so honest sharing your stuff Bird – ur good people and ultimately fulfilling your purpose through this whole experience, because if you believe that God’s intention for us is to find our creative strength and share it with the world- YOUR srength is the expression of your human experience.

    From one “spiritual being on a human journey” to another – well done. :)

    It kinda makes me think that eventually your release of chef will be when you become GRATEFUL for what this has evolved you to…
    I don’t mean to say you “SHOULD” be grateful – I’m sure you are in many ways and I don’t believe in “shoulding” on ourselves lol. I mean, there will probably come a time where you will see that Chef’s ultra assholeness – has led you that much closer to your soul’s purpose.
    Wow…that’s quite a trip you have there. lol.
    Take care!
    Jo

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    • Good morning Jo… Loved your comments to Bird, especially the ‘shoulding ‘ on yourself…. my aunt gave me those words of wisdom over 30 years ago. I’m in Texas and had a good laugh to see that these wise words are known in Canada too!!! God’s blessing on your Saturday Jo and on your too Bird!

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  13. um…I know I am saying allot but you made me think..
    Making a choice form a negative motivation always seems to lead to a negative consequence of some kind. I was reading other folks who were saying to just basically tell him to kiss you ass cause he’s been such a jerk, but, having been through this (and a first husband) I am of the mind that any action taken in anger – will come back to you that way some how. If you can’t “talk” to him, then choose the reasons and purpose for communication very carefully. Don’t ignore this conflict between the two of you…honour it and say less. :) I always say – the less we say, the less we have to apologize for later lol. :) But the fact is, you can’t make someone sorry. In order to emotionally survive, he has HAD TO create a story in his head that he can live with. This s human nature – ntot an excuse for his shitty behaviour. When he denies what you are saying, he is only relaying to you the story in his has created about the situation in his head – he CANNOT see it differently. This is where Grace comes in, and Truth. Because those things about ourselves, cannot be understood without God whispering them in our ears and holding our hands. They make us feel too badly.
    Just my two cents :) heh.
    Peace

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