My Heart’s A Traitor Bastard

I cried today. A lot.

Now, if you’ve been following this blog for the last year and some months, you’re probably saying to yourself, so what? This girl has

You moved a girl-chipmunk into our hole, gave her my nuts (and yours), and everyone saw. But these flowers make it all better, baby. Give me a smooch.

You moved a girl-chipmunk into our hole, gave her my nuts (and yours…tsk, tsk), and all our chipmunk friends saw. Now I live in a rundown hole in the ghetto. But these flowers make it all better, baby. Give me a smooch.

been crying for over a year now. But the truth is, I’ve been relatively content the last few months, and tears haven’t been all that common. But in the last few weeks, a lot of stuff has been happening around me, and today, I finally broke down and had a nice, long cry-fest. Sometimes, tears are the only way to cleanse a wounded soul. And mine is sparkling clean right now.

I’m only guessing, but I think every jilted wife in the world has this secret fantasy that their wandering husband will wake up one day, kick the other woman to the curb, and come crawling back, professing their undying love between the heart-felt regrets for what they’d done to us.  It’s a stupid daydream in all it’s simple-ness; by the time the wanderer has wandered, there is a mountain of crap to be shoveled through before reconciliation can even be considered, and mere words don’t even begin to cut it. If , that is, reconciliation is even something these broken wives hope for. I’m betting there is more interest in seeing their husbands having a high-heeled shoe surgically removed from their a$$es than any kind of sorrowful regret / let’s-live-happily-ever-after moments. But I’m actually not one of these normal, broken women. As pathetic as it may sound, deep down in the hidden recesses of my heart, I wanted my husband to come back some day. And for some added humiliation, I’ll go ahead and admit it. I still love Chef. So much for being a secret bad-a$$ ninja woman. I’m a sap.

I’m a person that holds logic in high regard, and it is with no small amount of embarrassment that I admit this to you all. Despite all the betrayal, humiliation, and dashed hopes, I still wanted my husband to come and sweep me off my feet again. And that deep desire has been the bane of my existence for months now. While it’s true that I haven’t felt that excruciating pain like I did in the beginning, and I’ve been able to happily believe at some points that I was over him, I’ve noticed this disturbing trend in myself. The less angry I feel, the more I can still feel that love for him.

Will someone please shoot me?

The Chef and T Love Fest has been going downhill over at the old Homestead for a while now, and even my poor dogs look traumatized by the rather quick run this relationship seemed to have taken, almost from the minute they moved in together. It is a sterling example of the very truth that the old cliché preaches — the grass is never greener on the other side. I won’t pour out the intimate circumstances of the up-and-coming demise of their relationship…It is their story, and I’m only a third-party spectator with limited rights to it, but I will say this. I can’t say with any real honesty that I wasn’t a little happy to see it all fall to crap, and so quickly at that. So much for the next Romeo & Juliet romance.  :-)

I know.

It is a very ungodly attitude, but as I told you all before..I don’t have this Christian thing down yet when it comes to my separation and impending divorce. I still suffer from being a fallen human with a fallen nature. And as T has had to experience, in lesser degrees, some of the emotions I had experienced when she and my husband decided they were in love, I’ve found a lot of that crazy anger melting away. Turns out, revenge loses some of its charm without that anger to fuel it.

I actually dreamed of the time when T and Chef would get a taste of their own medicine, and yet, when it really actually happened, I found myself less gleeful than I had expected, and rather a little more sad for them. None of the major players in this creepy triangle are happy for the most part. Actually, I’m the one who seems to be enjoying my life more consistently. How weird is that?? Satan must be having a blast at the amount of misery he’s been able to spread around in my little circle. What a douche.

Which has led me back to my original thoughts. Would I take him back? I think the answer is maybe. On the one hand, forgiveness isn’t a problem for me. I can forgive him. But trust, on the opposite hand, is a huge problem in my life. And the trust is gone, gone, gone. But, what if he and I were to get counseling? Oh, please. I’ve tried how many counselors for lesser things in my life? And I’ve stuck with none of them. And he’s worse than I am about that kind of stuff. Then, I’ve asked myself if he really loved me, how could he have done all the stuff he did? And here’s where I get stuck. He couldn’t have, could he? His words these days are perfect, as usual, but I’m not a fool enough to believe this man I’ve lived with my entire adult life doesn’t know just what to say to manipulate me. But, where are the actions to back up the words? Until recently, there were none, but he’s starting to do little things that make me wonder.

And I just hate that!

This cartoon sums my life right now perfectly. Chef is chasing Bird...but what will happen if he catches her? Fried chicken?

This cartoon sums my life right now perfectly. Chef is chasing Bird…but what will happen if he catches her? Fried chicken?

Let’s face it. As long as Chef and Bird live in the same city, we’re always going to be connected. We both find it easy at times to slip back into the comfortably worn routines we’d had with one another all these years, and while I can’t say what it does for him, I can say it makes me long for those simpler, happier times I was secure in his love. And anymore, he voices more and more of his regret over all that has happened to our marriage and family, and more importantly (to me), his dissatisfaction with his new relationship. And now that she is setting up her own escape route, I’m faced with the decision…move on without him, or explore the possibility that this marriage might have a tiny chance if we were to work on it.

Today, all the stuff going on in my life, added to Chef’s very early morning visit to my apartment this morning, where he cried for hours over all that has happened, including hurting me, his children, and T, and his one, true humble apology added to his pleading for another chance, all culminated into a good cry this afternoon.

To my chagrin, not once did I even think about kicking him in the butt with my own high-heeled shoe. Instead, I just wanted God to take that lingering love for him out of my heart, or to just make this last year and a half disappear completely. I want a Do-Over.

And incidentally, God is completely blowing off my requests. I guess I’m always going to love Chef. I might never be his wife again, but the love is still there. And whether I like it or not, all of this really did happen. It isn’t just going to go away. Oh, my treacherous heart!!

Anyways, this is more of a mental health post than anything. I’d love to know if there are any other wives that wish they didn’t feel this vulnerable to their exes, like me.

– Bird


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34 Comments

  1. I didn’t realize this was the same lady I’d read about several times until I saw the name “Chef”. Did you change blogs or something? I seem to recall it used to be green.

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    • Oh, yes. I got bored and changed “the furniture” around. But I didn’t like it either, so now I’m trying to find something better. :-)

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  2. This is certainly a tough one because on the one hand I do not want you to suffer any more betrayal or be pulled back into situation with the drugs and other addictions that Chef had/has? . To try and renew or regain what you had with him and to then only have to go through all this again would to me be intolerable for you. Trust is the key…We can love our children our husbands our families no matter what…but to live without trust would be extremely hard.

    Now I said this was tough because I also believe in forgiveness and reconciliation if all the pieces fit and fall together into place. I know somewhat of what I speak….God knows a true repentance but can we know for sure? I guess with God’s help and a whole lot of ‘putting money where your mouth is’… ‘Proof is in the pudding’ as they say…although I’d have to look up that one to see the exact meaning of that saying…In other words I guess do words and actions match up…?? Again we come back to ‘trust’… May your heart and your mind be guided by God… and may you gain the peace you seek in your decision….Diane

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    • It’s a quandary. I do agree. The upside is I already have my own home, and nothing has to be decided immediately. I am putting this one squarely on God’s plate. I’m not only unable to trust Chef, but I don’t trust myself either. That leaves God to decide, and He’s been pretty patient with me. I think He’s up to the task. In the meantime, I’m going to take each day minute by minute and not decide anything until I’m positive I won’t be going through this hell on earth ever again. :-)

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  3. Bird, i love the new look for your blog! We love you either way. You are a Princess. :)

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    • Thanks, Diana! I thought it looked more cheerful. And thanks for the unconditional love! :-)

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  4. You can’t take him back. Not based on his words. The man has issues — SERIOUS problems! — that he needs to face. He has some serious WORK to do on himself before he can even THINK of trying to woo you back! And then, even if he does change, he needs to understand that you still might not take him back. It’s not your job/obligation/responsibility/whatever to take him back. And the way he is right now, there’s no reason for you to do that. You were very nice to let him bare his soul to you early this morning. But it was your generosity, not your obligation, that you listened to him. He hasn’t changed; he’s just down on his life right now. Let him get his shit together and then beg you to come back… when his life is all-together and he’s doing well. In the meantime, you don’t have to wait for him. (Sorry, I know this isn’t a personal account, and my own story is a man who says all the right things but who doesn’t DO anything to try to keep me in our marriage since I caught him cheating. So maybe I’m a bit biased…. But I just think that you deserve so much more than what Chef has to offer you right now!)

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    • You are very sweet to watch out for me. Please know that I will make no decisions based on words alone. The only reason any of this caused me to pause was because he’s starting to back up those words on a consistent basis. But you’re right. He has a long ways to go to getting his life back together. Yet, the old Chef I knew was fully capable of doing just that. I’m in a Wait And See mode right now, which after the year that we’ve had, is an actual improvement from the Go To Hell mode I was in. :-) And I do want to note that I’m no prize sometimes, too…lol. I can dish it out, too. So, I’m thinking I might not really deserve much better. :-) Thanks, my friend, for your fierce loyalty!!!

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  5. there are no rule books that tell you when the water will quit running out of the tap. although marriages do fail there is always a part of us who will love the person they were at one time. The key word you, yourself used, is trust. Even I can go way back to a marriage I was involved with and love the good things i remember about him. this has been over 20 years ago, but can the marriage be mended? If both of you believe in God anything is possible. God can wipe the slate clean. I don’t know where Chef stands and I think I know a little more of where you stand. Right now Chef’s world is cracking. Another relationship blown to pieces. He is vulnerable and emotionally weak. Is this enough to make him realize that what he had with you was the real thing? I don’t know. So in the end I guess I am saying Bird, take it slow n easy like a nice Sunday drive. love n hugs

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    • I promise I will, Terry. I can’t hurt like that again, and I’m always carrying around that fear in my heart. I know that there is no mending anything without rebuilding trust. I guess we’ll see how serious he is about doing just that. It takes a lot of hard work, and not many people bother. I won’t rush into another heartbreak. I promise!

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      • I really want you both to get back together. It seems right since you are both married to each other. You are hurt and he is vulnerable, so I will keep positive thoughts for both of you

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  6. Dear Bird, I can certainly undestand that you still love Chef. You don’t just turn off the past 25 years of feeling that easily. I always say that you have to follow the dictates of your heart so that you never look back in regrett-even if things don’t turn how you imagine. Now that being said, putting the emotion of love aside, I think the question you need to ask yourself is this—Can you and Chef live a compatible life? Could you live day in and day out always wondering what he is up to? Could you live day in and day out wondering WHO he is up to? I would want to see some changes in the person first. He needs to get his life together without you first to have anything to offer you otherwise you are just his crutch of the moment till he finds somebody else that will adore him and worhship and put up with his crap. I think you may be feelings the withdrawl of the addiction to the relationship. Now all of this is just my opinion. I do not live in your shoes or sleep in your bed. The bottum line is that you have to do what you feel is right for you. And as I friend I would support whatever descions you make in your life. I am sure there are many here who support you regardless of the choices you make.

    lots of love

    Ivonne

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    • You really are a good friend, Ivonne, and I always listen carefully to your advice. I agree with you about the addiction. I have no intention of chucking my little apartment, moving back in, and going on like nothing ever happened. That would be completely stupid, and hopefully, I’m not that moronic. I am open to the possibility that if he were able to prove to me that these feelings are sincere and that he’s willing to put in all the hard work it would take to clean up his life, and to fix his family, I would give it a shot. But I won’t be a back-up plan. I’ve been very clear with him about this, and so we’ll see. In the meantime, I’m actually semi-dating someone else, which makes this whole thing weird. I sure don’t want any one else dragged into this 3rd Circle of Hell. We’re already crowded around here! Thank you for your wise advice, Ivonne. There is a reason I listen to you carefully!

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  7. gusherchick

     /  March 13, 2013

    I agree with Blogventer. If there’s ever a hope of repairing a relationship with Chef, it would have to be probably a good year or more away. He has tons of work to do before he’s even worthy of asking you to try again; he has so much to prove to you, and that would take time and action because words will not cut it. And he’s not alone; you also have tons of work to before you can make a completely healthy decision to go there again with him.

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    • You’re very right about there being a lot of work to be done on both sides. I don’t like saying he isn’t worthy though. He made some bad mistakes, but I take responsibility for my part in all of this too, For his own peace of mind, he really should get on his own two feet. He’d feel so much better about himself and his life. Then, with the work I’m doing on myself, it would be a different kind of marriage, but probably a better one. That’s what I’m hoping for anyways, should we end up trying this again. If we don’t, I still hope he ends up on his own two feet. He started a business refurbishing furniture, and he’s really got talent. I’m happy to see his future starting to brighten up a little. Thanks for the good advice!

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  8. Bird, I would never want to interfere or give you bad advice. Besides, you seem to be handling this situation better than I ever could in a similar circumstance. I just can’t help but worry about the substance abuse problem you mentioned in other posts. I don’t have to tell you how evil that crap is. I think your undying love for Chef is a virtue and not a curse. But if he is still in the grip of that awful crap, he is still potentially a danger to himself, to you and to anyone else within his sphere. I don’t want to see you get hurt any worse, mentally or physically. Tread carefully and prayerfully, my dear sister. Much love and peace to you, Catherine.

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    • Thank you, lafgod. I wouldn’t consider it at all if this problem wasn’t being addressed already. lol..I really should post updates. He’s doing much better these days. Sorry to scare you!

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  9. Loving Chef is the Godly thing to do. Love him as a child of God. Wish all the best for him. Pray for him. This is always God’s will for us. It doesn’t mean you have to go live with him. And you do not have to feel guilty at having such feelings either. They are a gift from God.

    Have him work through his recovery first. (Some say this will take about a year or so.) All sorts of crap will surface while this is happening. You will have days like this one, where both of you will cry a lot and wonder if you shouldn’t give it a try again. And then you will have those days when he does something to make you so mad that you are very glad you are still living out on your own. It takes a while to deal with all the aftereffects of those demons that have affected Chef. This stuff takes time.

    Personally, I have found that in my own case, the issue of not being able to trust him simply went away. I would see him as being so very different from what he was when he was being affected by that ‘demon in the bottle’, that it was like falling in love all over again with a brand new person. He looked like the old one, his voice was like the old one, and he had all those originally endearing traits that made my heart melt for him, but he no longer had all the crap that was there before. So trust came easy for me, after seeing him make such an about-face change towards the better. It was like the bible says in 2 Corinthians 5:17, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!”

    Blessings to you, your children, and to Chef,
    C. Dunamis

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  10. You asked for gilded wives to comment not husbands, but I think I should put in my two-cents worth also. My wife cheated on me while I was in Vietnam and bore a child who was 3 months old when I got home. We stayed together for 18 years after that and I raised the boy as my own. It was rough, but I was his dad as far as he was concerned.
    Then his dad came to town and it was down hill from there, she ran off with him leaving their son at home. We divorced and went our separate ways, the son decided to go with his mom. I was torn up, but life happens.
    You do as you want Cathy, but he jilted you once – he will do it again when the opportunity pops up and it will kill you. From my perspective, you should go home to Texas and send him to California or Canada, anywhere but where you are.
    Please remember, it takes two to cheat and it is not always the man leading the charge!

    Ed

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  11. Okay my guts reaction is to scream RUN!!!!!!! but after that has been gotten out of my system I think you need to do some serious thinking, firstly I would forget the idea that you will ever have your old relationship back, that is gone even if you did take him back it could never be the same again and lets face it would you want it to be given where that relationship has led you both, but I also think you need to consider what you would need him to do to prove himself to you, I would suggest before you even consider giving him another chance maybe you insist he complete some sort of drug rehab and he sort out his finances so that you can be sure that is not a reason he is so eager to have you back, I think counselling of some sort would be a good idea but I would also go through with the divorce if he can do everything you would need to start building bridges then you can always get married again and make a fresh start but I think that you need to draw a line under this marriage no matter what you decide

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  12. Old Roy Dog Food. That was the first post I ever read of yours. I highly recommend it! I have been tempted myself of late to go back to a situation that caused me much grief. The good times were sweet. There is much about my ex that is lovely. But he has never looked out for my interests and I was never very good at that either. That’s got to change.
    I have been a rescuer all my life. It’s time I gave that behaviour up! Are you a rescuer?

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  13. You deserve the best – don’t settle for second best or rather the familiar pain….You deserve to be loved unconditionally for ever not just periods of time. Oh – the grass is greener on the other side because of the pooh that’s there….

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  14. Bird,
    I could have written this post (except for the part where he feels bad and has come back…mine’s not at the crash and burn part…who knows if he ever will be). And, like you, I feel the love for my husband even with the cheating. And I long for the moment he would apologize and come back to me. Recently, someone asked me what I would do if that actually happened. And, much like you, I had no answer. What I do know is that I long for my husband, not the man he is right now, but my husband. If Chef is your husband, and not the man he became in a time of insanity, then I hope God can help him show that to you. If he isn’t, then I hope the same. I am praying for you…for clarity…for peace…for the right answer. You deserve to have someone in your life who loves you. WE all deserve that. Take care!
    Meg

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  15. Hi Bird,
    Love…..it happened to You, it happened to Me, it happened to your Husband, it happened to my Husband. You linked to your husband when it happened…

    I believe wholeheartedly in Love, now. But had no clue about it before. I understand what the fuss is now. It’s not from me, it’s more powerful than anything on earth. And He allows it to visit us.

    Taking care of that treasure is our job within a marriage. If its not cared for and it’s violated, then what?

    I believe it can’t die because of Who gave it.
    So I suggest you grow into it. He will show you the fields that are ripe, that need your attention.

    I am ready now to allow Him to open doors for me to walk through to the places He’s planned for me. ‘For such a time as this.’
    I thought having a family was the stepping stone to it, and I think it’s unfolding now.

    Find that path and walk it. If he fits on the path you find let him go with you, take him back. But first find out if your on the same page so you both can follow after His LOVE
    and pass on The Good News, since we know
    He wishes no harm to anyone.

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  16. I always felt this way after my husband and I divorced. It was absolute torture! It took me three years to get half way back to normal and start dating again… Just when I thought it was over he came crawling back, and what did I do? I re-married him! After we re-married things started going to crap AGAIN and I thought we were headed for a second divorce. I prayed with all of my heart that God would either get me through the divorce or fix my marriage. The next day I wrote this post on my blog:

    http://scoumbes.wordpress.com/2012/05/10/what-love-is-and-what-love-isnt/

    And 2 days later my husband called me from Hawaii and said he got saved and was going to quit drinking. He said that he had already been thinking about how much alchohol was ruining his life and then that particular post really touched his heart (I hope you read it if you haven’t already).

    It’s been almost a year now since that day, and he still hasn’t had a drink. My advice to you is this: Before you even consider taking him back, make sure he has found God first! I have been in your shoes before, questioning how it is possible that someone could claim to love you and then hurt you so deeply. My answer to that, after a lot of soul searching, is that no one can know how to truly love unless they find God first! A man can only love a woman by first loving God! Also, God advises us to never be unequally yoked with someone:
    2 Corinthians 6:14 “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?”

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  17. Sweetheart I am still pining away over the customer I dated at Christmas. He has completely moved on (I see him all the time so the evidence is clear) so please do not feel crappy for loving someone. Common sense and Feelings are from different parts of the brain. It would be nice if the Universe would introduce them! Chances are they would marry and divorce quickly. Common sense would immediately go get laid while Feelings would build an altar in its closet and become an alcoholic.

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  18. Don’t be sad for loving someone, you can’t just turn love off. Do what you feel is right, but take care of yourself too.

    Supporting you, whatever happens!

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  19. Bernice DeMeules

     /  June 11, 2013

    My husband cheated on me in our home with a huge African women that he worked with. Durning the time I lost my father and sister Inlaw and before Christmas the most sad time of my life.
    He treated me horrible told me to get out it was his house hurt our grandchildren badly he was their idol.
    It is near the end for our divorce to be final I end up out in the street I have no job being on disability. He keeps the house with his friends and African girlfriend which hurts me and my children. We used to be the Grandma and Grandpa hangout for holidays for movie nights with the grandchildren now its over and gone. So depressing and sad for the whole family on my side he won keeps it all I sleep on where ever I end up on someone’s couch.
    I gave up my first home that was mine before I even met him to buy the bigger home to be close to the Grandkids school. I lost both homes because he chose to cheat and run the streets leave me kicked in the heart.
    Even after I nursed him back when he had surgery and couldn’t afford a nurse.
    All I can do is leave it in Gods hands for my future I being 61 years old not a young chick.

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    • Oh, Bernice! I am so sorry this is happening to you! I know it’s no consolation at the moment, but what goes around comes around. He hasn’t set himself up for anything good, and while it may not seem like it now, he’s stacked all his cards against himself. God love His children, and He hasn’t forgotten you. Keep praying. God does His very best work in situations such as yours! I’m praying for you!

      — Bird

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