So, A Chef, His Wife, and His Girlfriend Walk Into A Rehab…

Everything came to a head last night, and I’m sitting here both laughing and crying because I think that I can see an end of some sorts in sight now. A real end, this time.

Now we're gonna do it my way... :-)

Now we’re gonna do it my way… :-)

greenThis whole story began and has now ended, with a lie. A lie that is called meth. Meth promises its user an escape. And, like most of the promises from hell, it is seeded in the truth, but it is warped and twisted, deceptive, and evil. Meth makes you forget about your problems; it gives you some added strength to get things done (you think); it bestows a sense of happiness (ignorance), power (over absolutely nothing), and hope (in getting your next fix). And then, like only a true enemy can do, it seeps out of your body, taking with it all the gifts it had lent you, and leaving in its wake even more chaos, destruction, problems, and hopelessness than you had had before.

In October 2011, Chef had a friend die in a motorcycle accident. Chef had struggled with drug addiction as a younger man, and except for a brief skirmish with it when we first got together over 23 years ago, he had remained clean all these years. But coupled with some health issues, a midlife crisis, and a general dissatisfaction with his career choices, he succumbed to the temptation to just use a little pick-me-up to get him home from a very hard funeral. Unlike the first time, the drug took a firm hold on him almost immediately, and he was simply unable to stop.

All prayers are appreciated; so will the rehab.

All prayers are appreciated; so will the rehab.

Throughout the time since then, I’ve been completely dumbstruck by just how different the man seemed. While he had flaws all along, it was terrifying to see those same flaws turn so completely confuse themexaggerated. I’ve always thought that he was a bit selfish, but meth would take that flaw and magnify it out of all proportion, and some of the things that I watched this man do and some of the words that have come out of his mouth have left me struggling to comprehend how someone could ever justify it to themselves, no matter how strung out they were. I was even more dismayed when he completely stopped even bothering to justify himself to anyone at all anymore. Bernice was what Chef called meth, and the affair that Chef & Bernice had was tantamount to a very warped Gone With the Wind, with Chef announcing that as God as his witness, he’d never be sober again, and Bernice announcing that “Frankly, my dear Bird, I don’t give a damn”. Bernice ruled his every word, thought, and action, and over the year and half I watched them, I learned a great deal about the verse : Out of the heart, the mouth speaks. Every slimy, crappy, evil thing that can be laid up in a person’s heart came pouring out of Chef’s mouth, and after months of allowing it to hurt me, I was finally able to look Bernice in the eye and let her know, I’m on to you, beeotch. I see you. More importantly, God does too. It ain’t over till it”s over, babe.

The Bible tells us that God works all things to His good, and this story is no exception. Since the split up, T and I have come to understand, forgive, and then to work together, to try to help Chef. Where I came so close to hating this girl for the pain her part in all of this had inflicted on me and my family, I’ve now come to rely on her as a partner who cares about Chef too, and she’s been invaluable as another soldier in this war against this horrible drug called meth. It would seem that our efforts have finally paid off, and today I can happily and hopefully announce, Chef is in rehab!!!

shadow of deathAfter a particularly nasty week involving Chef, I had pretty much withdrawn from wanting to see, hear, or even think about, him at all. I had heard all the same rhetoric from him about getting the help he would need to stop a million times, and yet he’d never followed through. I’d already lived through his affair with T, and the roller coaster ride of him saying all the right things to people, including me, that we so wanted to hear, but yet were in direct conflict with what he told someone else. He would tell T she was the love of his life, then come to my apartment and call her names and say he was stuck but was trying to find a way to come home again to me, the only love of his life. But my hope in him had eventually withered away, and it had become much easier to accept that he was truly gone. The more I pulled away, the more he would fight to keep me. And he was doing the same to T. It would seem that once we were both gone, that would have left him truly alone and desperate enough to finally get the help he needed. Ah, but no. Instead, he started a relationship with Sassy (not her real name) the Drug Dealer, instead, and when I found out he was getting the crap for free from this winner, my head about exploded. At least T was clean, if naive. But a drug dealer for a girlfriend, though?

Over.My.Dead.Body.

If you read my last post, you know what my opinion of this person is, so I won’t bore you with all the details. Let’s just say that it took me about 4.2 minutes to trash that happy little budding romance, and I don’t feel a tad guilty about it. I know there are now a few human beings on earth that say my name with contempt, but frankly, I couldn’t care less. You mess with the bull, you get the horns, my friend.

Last night, I got a panicked message from Chef saying he was dying. I didn’t freak out or anything. He’s always telling me that. But this time, I felt like something was actuallyother white drug wrong, and I headed over to his house. After meth-induced psychosis drama, I was able to get his schizo butt to the hospital, and because of his suicide threats, I was able to get him committed involuntarily to treatment, for a whopping 3 days. Both T and I prayed, and held our breath to see what the psychiatrist would determine. If the psychiatrist recommended he stay longer, he would have to. Sure enough, he was told today that he’s in for the long-haul.

T and I are working frantically getting his home packed up and his affairs in order so that once clean, he can walk out of the doors to a well-managed, well-organized life that won’t overwhelm him. After speaking to him today, I feel even a little more hopeful since he sounded somewhat more like himself, and while sad and ashamed, he was able to crack a weak joke here and there. I feel a lot of sadness for him right now, knowing myself how hard it can be to laugh again. But he will.

In the meantime, Sassy has been broken up with via text message from Chef’s phone, kindly but firmly. I doubt ole Chef is going to thank me or T any time soon, but he did let Sassy down gently and kindly, yet firmly, thanks to T. :-) Today, another dealer and I came to an understanding about how things will be going down next time someone offers him a free date with Bernice. I figure by the time he gets out, T and I will have cleansed the leeches and junkies out of his life permanently. Man, I love technology…Thank you, Mr. Alexander Graham Bell!!

I want to ask everyone who prays if they would keep Chef in their prayers, and thank you all for hanging with me. Hopefully, we’ve finally arrived at how this story ends.

Sincerely,

Bird

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33 Comments

  1. Terri

     /  May 24, 2013

    So, did ya ever find the truck?

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  2. Terri

     /  May 24, 2013

    Chef is very lucky that you care enough about him to get him the help he needs to kick Bernice.

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    • I don’t think he would agree right at this moment, but I’m hoping he will eventually. Thanks, Terri!

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      • Terri

         /  May 24, 2013

        He will. His body is so full of toxins right now, it’s going to take a while. But, he will.

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  3. YOU GOT IT, BROTHER!

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  4. OR…SISTER! :)

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  5. Reblogged this on By the Mighty Mumford and commented:
    SO SAD BUT TRUE…MAY ADDICTION NOT HAPPEN TO YOU! (STAY AWAY FROM METH—GET HELP).

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  6. You know who will be in it for the haul… and prayers have and always will continue for you ….and Chef. Glad to hear about the truck being found…Take care of yourself…. Diane xoxo

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  7. Praying. Chef is blessed to have a friend like you.

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  8. I will place him in my prayers. God is good!

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  9. Chef is blessed to have you in his life and that you can still care afterall that has gone down.

    ivonne

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  10. Bird, I admire you for even trying to help Chef. He has to help himself however. And first he must realize that he needs help. Obviously if he has checked himself out of rehab… Satan has him right where he wants him and is controlling him through Bernice. I will continue to pray for Chef and you as well. May God protect you from the evilness that now surrounds Chef and his life through his relationship with Bernice. He has truly pushed someone very special out of his life.

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  11. Glad things are turning around!

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    • bro Danny

       /  May 26, 2013

      Bird this is Danny of cma, chef has called me several times in the past few days. I’ve not answered him because I’m. Not going to waste my time until he is ready to end this tangled mess. No games no appointments. If and when he’s had his fill of this drug from the pits of hell and the parisites that deal and feed lost souls ends then i will be happy to help chef. God loves him but God will also let a man choose who is going to to be Lord of his life. Right now Chefs believing the lies from hell.

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      • I completely understand, Danny. I too have been through this up and down nonsense with him for months. I will say that he went up front at church this evening and gave his life to the Lord. I’d be lying if I said that I too am not somewhat skeptical, but God knows Chef’s heart and will deal with him accordingly. I am not his judge. The facility released him until he reports to the VA on Tuesday. I wouldn’t believe it until I saw it in black & white on his release papers, and right now, he’s staying at my apartment with me until Tuesday morning when I will personally plant his little brown butt on their doorstep. Then, the rest is up to him. He isn’t fighting me at all, and I’m cautiously optimistic that he is serious. At this point, I would ask only that you pray for him. Satan’s little junkie minions are working tirelessly to get him to come out to play.

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        • Hang in there Bird fear not!. God has you by the right hand.(Isa 41:13 ) And Danny is right “boundaries” are good…God created them so we can protect the treasure inside us. Sometimes we must close the gate and not let others come in our yard to play. Unless they will honour our boundaries. And living healthy and clean and loving others is the only way God wants it for you. And love does not seek it’s own. (1Cor13:5 )So shut the gate until chef learns. Because Chef must remain in Truth…to have Truth set him free (John 8:31-32). We always have a choice. And Jesus is always willing to help when we choose to turn to Him. … Get the book only titled “Boundaries” by Cloud and Townsend. Might help you. And then latter maybe their book.. Boundaries for marriage. Or maaaaybe you’ll skip that and go for…. Boundaries for dating… LOL. ;)

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          • lol…Thank you. I will check out that book. I’m horrible when it comes to boundaries…obviously! Thanks for the reminders of what God desires for us. I’m feeling kind of lost in all of this right now.

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            • LoL. ….That is why God sends “found” people to the lost people. To help them find direction for their lives. I was there once 26 years ago. Back when I was letting go of drugs, and trying to learn to let go of alcohol, and all the ladies who I used so they could enable me. But I couldn’t do it, I kept failing in my own ability. But then Instead,I met Jesus Christ, on the very night I thought suicide sounded like a good idea to succeed. . An older lady who I worked with, who was not lost, helped me find my way to into the light; So I could see the right direction to walk in. I been walking that direction ever since, and never once went back into that dark place of suffering and loneliness. Oh I am not perfect but I don’t fall far from the place I want to be near. And He helps me keep trying one step one day at a time. And I have actually taught that book as a class on “boundaries”…. Jesus understands where you are at…and He leads and teaches us. He sends those who can throw you a life jacket…. when we think we can tread water, but really we could sink and drown. Sometimes the life jacket was in a book. And of course a lot of times I found it in His words in the bible, thus the reason I give scripture references to look up. But books like “Boundaries” can also help you understand and see the application to your own life the good things that God really intended for you to receive. Like maybe sending a man to date you, who you think is too good for you, to give you more than you think is what you should deserve to have…. Like Jesus did for us. Whose ways are higher than our ways, and whose thoughts are higher than our thoughts.(Isa55:9) But who thinks about us more than the number of sands in the sea.(Psalm139:17-18) And sees us not as we are, but as we can become with Him by our side….His bride without spot or wrinkle,(Eph5:27). Opening every door of opportunity on our behalf. And not allowing one to close on us that He holds open for us. (Rev3:7 ) His bride is always blessed, and she always knows with out doubt she is loved.He tells her what love is, (1Cor13:4-8) and makes that an example He must fulfil for her. …by dieing to him self. (1John4:9) I am now a part of that bride of Christ. He has never failed me, even when I fail Him. And all our relationships here, are to mirror His relationship with us. So you can be sure my sister…God’s intent, His plan is to bless you. Not to harm you. but to give YOU a future.( Jer 29:11) I would hope you might check these verses to verify God is talking to you. :) …Are you listening? It is always our choice. And He declared your value and worth by the price He paid to save you. No one else can set that price differently now. You are now priceless.(1Pet 1:18-19, Romans 5:9 ) His treasure! ( 2Cor 4:7) So walk and talk like you are…So He gave you boundaries my sister to protect the treasure you are, and have in you…. use them, they were God designed. To protect your treasure with…..you!

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              • Eric, this had to be God speaking through you. I’ve been grappling about what exactly I should do. This evening has been particularly horrible, and this was like finding some light in a lot of darkness. Thank you. I keep thinking Jesus wouldn’t turn His back on Chef, so I can’t either. On the flip side, I’m exhausted and I don’t feel like he’s making any progress. He’s homeless, friendless, and rather schizophrenic right now. He’s physically dangerous to me when he’s blitzed, but I see only a really, really lost, sad soul. How can I leave him like that all alone? I need some direction, Lord!! Please pray..And thank you for reminding me that Jesus loves me, too. I needed to hear that. :-)

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                • I am glad the Lord allowed me to remind you that you are loved…please also Realize I told you God has boundaries, and that one very important thing I did not say before… Only people who will receive help …because they want help….can be helped. …I reached that point very close to the edge of hell. But the Lord’s arm was not to short t save me. He can for Chef too… The Lord wants too…But Chef has to want Him to help. And God looks at the heart not the outward man… He knows what Chef really means in His heart desire…even if his state of mind is out there. Pray for the Lord to give him ears to hear and eyes to see, and a heart to understand what the Lord is speaking to him, “through those” the Lord sends to him. And pray He sends help to Chef. God is listening to you but you might have to let go my sister…and let God. Not easy but pray for strength my sister to walk out the plan God has for you. Eph2:10Amplified bible-”For we are God’s [own] handiwork (His workmanship), recreated in Christ Jesus, [born anew] that we may do those good works which God predestined (planned beforehand) for us [taking paths which He prepared ahead of time], that we should walk in them [living the good life which He prearranged and made ready for us to live]“…. And trust God with everything!.Prov3:5-6 Amp-”Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding.
                  6 In all your ways know, recognize, and acknowledge Him, and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths.”… And yes i will talk to our Father too. (Pray) ;).

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                  • I don’t want to stand in the Lord’s way. I just don’t know how to get away from all of this. Chef calls me constantly and shows up on my doorstep at all hours of the day and night. Now that he is truly homeless, he has nothing better to do!! I want desperately for him to go back to rehab, but even though he’s always promising to, he never does. His “friends” stole his stuff out of his home!! They helped him pack and move it…and then stole it!! I’m speechless. Every time the phone rings, and it’s him, I brace myself for the worst. And I’m always glad I do, because he always delivers the most random, somewhat horrifying, worst-luck-stories ever.!!!!! If I don’t answer, he physically comes over. I’ve asked God’s will be done in all of this, and I’ve been feeling like maybe Chef’s inability to handle anything in his life right now has made me responsible for him. And that thought has depressed me. I honestly don’t mind sucking it up and helping the guy. What I mind is that it is a full time, unnerving, often scary, job. My daughter and I believe he’s got the beginnings of dementia which is being exacerbated by the drugs. Even when he has been sober for days, there is still something not quite clicking correctly in his head. What if he gets trapped in his mind? I don’t really want him to reap what he has sown, frankly. I want mercy for him!! …I’m a little emotional from this evening’s events, and I’m rebounding a lot quicker than I once did. But I also know there is line people can cross where they get used to the crazy crap that is truly unacceptable in their lives, and become facilitators in re-creating the drama around themselves repeatedly. I don’t want to get used to this odd existence I find myself in when it comes to Chef, and yet I know it’s happening. If two days go by and nothing happens …good, bad, or otherwise… I feel…unsettled. This is a very, very bad thing. I need to have balance in my life again, or I’ll forget how to actually be peaceful. My birthday is this coming week. Think God would mind sending me a little help? I could sure use it!!! lol..Thanks for taking the time to cheer me up and remind me who I really am in all of this. I’m not feeling so upset anymore. I appreciate it! And thanks for the prayers…We really need them right now.. :-)

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  12. Drugs are evil, no doubt about that. I know, firsthand, just how evil crack can be, even months and months after quitting it…..The thought gets into your head, and it is tough to get it out. Unless you have experienced this “pull” firsthand, it is difficult to understand. Being strong just doesn’t cut it, sometimes. Being away from it does. That means deleting all connections to it, all phone numbers saved in a phone, all “friends”, all ties. Tough to do, but necessary. Thoughts of drugs, ANY drugs, creep up when you least expect it, and if Chef is to be successful, he MUST learn to fight that little voice that voices thoughts so strong. And listen to the counsellors. And avoid dealers. And delete numbers. It’s the only way…

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  13. I don’t often pray. Mostly because I’m afraid to for various reasons. But I’ve been following your blog almost since the beginning, and you can count on my prayers. I hope Chef is able to get the help and treatment he needs to really recover, and that you and everyone involved is able to get this piece of your heart back. Chin up, all cast members… your plot has twisted in an excellent direction.

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  14. I have not visited here for some time as I have not had time to read all the blogs I follow, but I want you to know that I have never taken Chef, you and your children off my prayer list. Now I know a little better what to pray specifically for. God bless you.

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  15. God is for you Bird! And greater are those with you than those against you! God’s principles NEVER change…The Lord remains constant. (Mal3:6) And those who turn to Him…He is for them and never against them! And He fights on there behalf! Fear not sister see His actions in Old testament…. 2Kings6:15-18-When the servant of the man of God rose early and went out, behold, an army with horses and chariots was around the city. Elisha’s servant said to him, Alas, my master! What shall we do?
    16 [Elisha] answered, Fear not; for those with us are more than those with them.
    17 Then Elisha prayed, Lord, I pray You, open his eyes that he may see. And the Lord opened the young man’s eyes, and he saw, and behold, the mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire round about Elisha.
    18 And when the Syrians came down to him, Elisha prayed to the Lord, Smite this people with blindness, I pray You. And God smote them with blindness, as Elisha asked.” Ask my sister. If you have accepted Jesus as Saviour and Lord He is with you now! And He will come against your enemy too! God does not change ! 1John4:4 Amplified bible-”Little children, you are of God [you belong to Him] and have [already] defeated and overcome them [the agents of the antichrist], because He Who lives in you is greater (mightier) than he who is in the world.” (Amplified bible gives more correct meaning to Hebrew and Greek words as they were “used and meant” when written. SO easier to read and understand correctly)….So you can see what God said and DID does not change… He is for His people…His children! Have blessed day. Battles sometimes get worse before there is victory. But you…are never alone! Pstr. Ernie

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