Castles In The Sky

0516225904I’m not okay right now.

I grew up in an atmosphere of everyone looking out for themselves. All five kids learned to not become too vulnerable to anyone. Help was neither offered nor expected. We dealt with our own problems and maybe we each became somewhat empowered by our lack of needing anyone else emotionally. Of course, when things happen to us that just require a helping hand from someone else, it takes an act of God to get us to the point where we will accept it. Sometimes, like now, I think I’ve waited too long.

I was a lonely, abused, unhappy kid, which ironically, went completely against my natural personality. I think I know myself pretty well, and I always seem to try to find the silver lining in whatever sewage-filled problem I find myself in. Maybe I’m an optimistic person, or maybe I’m just trying to tread emotional waters so I don’t get overwhelmed by just how lonely life can be. I’m faced right now with the insecurities of a little girl who put an absent father on a pedestal so high in her sad little mind, that having to look the realities of who both my dad and I really are is just wiping me out.

I don’t know if my dad really knows me, much less if he even likes me. He’s always said he did, but he was busy with his own life the last 45 years of mine, and the effort to really involve me in his life just isn’t there. Now, with this brain damage and his inability to really filter himself, he’s treating me harshly. My mind knows that this is not really the same man I’ve called Dad forever, but the insecure little girl that seems to live on somewhere inside of me is grieving. Like Chef, I had been happy to build castles in the sky and live in them, but they proved to be just lies I wanted to believe.

Ever since Chef cheated on me, I’ve been living behind these walls in my heart. I don’t let any men get too close, and I find that I am even shutting out my kids to some degree. I recognize where I am. This numb place in my heart is where I lived for years. I won’t get hurt here, but I won’t be happy either.

I need a little help. I’m sad.

~ Bird

 

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9 Comments

  1. V. Sissom

     /  November 30, 2013

    You said, “My mind knows that this is not really the same man I’ve called Dad forever, but the insecure little girl that seems to live on somewhere inside of me is grieving.”
    Yes, my friend, you are surely needing to grieve the loss of that dream, even though it brings with it emotions of pain & loss once again. So sorry that this has happened to your dad. And to you. My heart hurts for you. I hope and pray you are able to reach out to your siblings for comfort and support? They know better than anyone what you are feeling because they shared the childhood you had, right? I’m asking the Lord for relief from the sadness & loneliness you are feeling, and for healthy, loving relationships in your near future. V.

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  2. :( I know about being with someone who ends up hurting you. You can live in a place where you think you don’t feel anything..but really you will still be lonely. It can be hard to open up and allow others in, but if we don’t we truly aren’t living.
    Reading this just broke my heart and wish I could give you a giant hug.

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  3. Bird, you have been strong through it all. Yes, I understand that we all get tired of being strong. But you now have an inner strength to draw on for just a time as these. Embrace your children for the love bond that through the most difficult of times can not be broken. You are always in my prayers…. Here’s a hug from me too!

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  4. The connection between all of us here in the ether may be somewhat distant and certainly seem ephemeral, but I can tell you from my heart that the good friends I’ve made in blogging are as real and constant and committed as any I’ve acquired in the physical world. Know that, despite our distances and differences, you are nonetheless cared about and for deeply. How you feel matters, and that you have entrusted us with your struggles and pain means that we take it seriously, in return, to keep you in our thoughts and prayers and to wish you well in all things. You are doing the very best you can with the resources at hand, and might have to leave some things to others to fill in any blanks, and that’s really okay. Take care of your own spirits, too, and trust that the burdens of the entire world are not yours to bear alone. Be at peace.

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  5. Grace

     /  November 30, 2013

    My heart goes out to you, Bird. You’ve been through a lot and now this. Things will get better one day… I don’t know when, but they will.

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  6. So sorry to hear, remember we are here for you, even though we are not physically there with you, know that we are ears to listen.

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  7. While we can offer encouragement you need some close personal attention right now… You need someone to help with the visiting and care of your Dad too… You’re just realizing or admitting just how overwhelming it is right now. And you have a job now too if I’m not mistaken… So please make known to all who would/should be listening that you need some respite…. You’ve just been through one year of trauma…. right into another… I pray that you get some ‘hands on’ help soon…. Diane xoxo

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  8. grammatteus

     /  December 2, 2013

    Ditto! Ditto! Ditto! Nobody is an island, but the ethos we have been fed from the days of Thatcher and Reagan that ‘self-sufficiency’ is a great thing misses the great, unending, spiritual and biblical truth that we all DO need each other, for good times and bad. Society DOES exist, Mrs. Thatcher!! Self-sufficiency is just an excuse, a rebadging of ‘selfish’ – an ideology that says “I’m strong and determined, self-reliant. I don’t need anyone, so nobody tell me that they need MY attention!” If ‘real’ friends cannot be there for us (but I praise God that I do have a few, and with friends, quality DOES outweigh quantity, ALWAYS) then cyber-friends will have to do, I’m afraid. Keep posting, and we’ll keep reading, and offer support in spirit.

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  9. I absolutely love this band, they’re way nice to listen to. Adam’s song to me is a message of understanding. the majority of comments on here are from people who have comtemplated (if not attempted) suicide. and if not, virtually everyone will feel depressed at one point in life, it’s unavoidable. the line in this song that really gets me is “Another six months I’ll be unknown”. because there are so many suicides that happen, maybe the story will be in the paper, and schoolmates will cry for a while, but eventually our attention goes to something else. family and friends may feel responsible. i think the best philosophy is “better safe than sorry,” meaning if you know of ANYONE who is suicidal, GET THEM HELP. you never really know what someone’s going through, what their thinking, what you could do for them. maybe they’re thinking that no one cares, that’s why no one has asked them what’s wrong. show them you care. GOD BLESS.

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