For You Are With Me

50-tremendous-grunge-for-your-desktop-noupeI was trying to read through the millions of blogs I follow, when I came upon one that is written by a husband who was left by his wife three weeks ago.

I remember that pain. Empty bed. Silent phones. Waves and waves of tears. And Time..cruel, ripping Time. I do not know how people are able to go through that more than once. It is horrible.

But the similarities in his reactions isn’t what caught my notice. I have found literally hundreds of sites of women going through the same agonizing pain I did. Men don’t usually write with as much clarity about the harsh feelings of pain, vulnerability, and hopelessness when they are cheated on. I imagine society’s rules deciding what a real man can and cannot do must be the reason, for I can’t believe men are not able to experience loss on the same levels we women do.  It was interesting to read the words of a man who could vocalize the depth of the pain, to describe with aching honesty how it feels for love to begin its slow death.

I found myself wishing Chef had written something like that. For over a year, I hoped and prayed and begged for him to show me something I could hold on to. Something that would prove that this had all been a bunch of big mistakes. He would not give me even a crumb. His pride would not allow himself to make himself vulnerable to the one he had intentionally set about to rip apart. He expected all his same horrible behaviors to be visited upon him by my hand, never accepting that maybe revenge would not be as appealing to me as he had often found it to be for himself. To this day, he is quick to accuse me of every single behavior he himself was guilty of. It does not matter to him at all that he forfeited the right to call me out on anything I should do now that I’m single again. I find him constantly and uselessly trying to even the ground between us by pointing out imaginary wrongs I have done to him. It stopped being frustrating a long time ago. Now, it is just sad.

Time has given me enough distance to look back at the experience and wonder how it must feel to know in your deepest heart of hearts, you have no one to blame for any of it but yourself? If anything, Chef’s life teaches me a lot about my own relationship with God. My life is a testimony to how much He loves me, forgives me, and guides me. Yet, often, I find so much of the things I truly value in my life lying in ruins around me, destroyed by my own selfishness, anger, or impatience.

I hope Jesus can reach that miserable human hiding so deep in the dungeons of his rank pride, coated in the slime of shame and humiliation. I want Chef to be able to look around and see no one is throwing the first stone. He is naked before His master, and Him alone.

At some point or another, all of us have chosen to completely disregard what we know is right, and seized with all fervor, that which was wrong, be it an affair, drugs, porn or other more acceptable sorts of sins. The self-righteous pat on oneself back as you watch someone’s sins become manifest for us all to see. The vile curse word here; the envy that you feel there. The perverted television series, or the flirting Facebook chat. The bird you saluted a car with this morning. Our world had gone to hell in a handbasket, and almost nothing in this life hasn’t been tainted with those flames. The only people fool enough to believe they have a right to judge anyone else are the blindest of us all.

That is the fate of all mankind. What is beautiful to God though, is the knowledge we made a mistake; the humbling of our pride in the face of His mercy; the appreciation for His sacrifice; the understanding of the immeasurable value of His grace; the beginning shadow of understanding how much His love is not something we can manipulate, force, or drive away. He is God; He cannot be manipulated.

I may be going through some hard things right now, but I am blessed beyond measure by the grace of my God, by His mercy, and by His steadfast love for me despite how much I can never deserve it. I am rich.

~ Bird

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16 Comments

  1. Good stuff, Bird. Mercy is Undeserved favor. If we confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from All unrighteousness.

    “The only people fool enough to believe they have a right to judge anyone else are the blindest of us all.”

    Amen sis!

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  2. Funny thing about Jesus is that he always seems to be closest when we are in our deepest place of need. It’s hard to sit still when we’re going through the fire. But it’s the fire that tempers, and refines us….and then we learn we can trust him through everything.

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    • That is so very true, Scarlett!

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      • Bird, I too have cried so many tears. Laid awake at night crying, and begging Jesus…”how long is it until I get over him?” It seemed like it went on for eternity. But then one day, he spoke to me and said, “Don’t look back”. It seemed so strange when the one I had loved so much came to see me; the one who had so callously betrayed me. When he tried to take me in his arms, I felt……nothing. His shoulders slumped,and then he looked at me and said, “It’s over, isn’t it?” And it was. And from that time on, I never looked back or cried myself to sleep again.

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  3. God bless you, Bird! Your words here ring true…your blog inspires me (and inspired, impart, this poem)

    http://madhatterpoetry.com/2014/04/16/face-of-addiction/

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  4. He did right not to show pain to the person who harmed him. It would only have made you feel you scored. After all you meant to hurt him. It’s ridiculous to think you’re entitled to see his pain on too of everything. That’s not remorse. Remorse is not seeing it and still begging for forgiveness anyway, doing anything possible to make amends.

    Just because there’s such a thing as divine mercy doesn’t mean there’s no judgment. And mans laws not gods get to judge too. Go forth and sin no more, where not repenting was a further sin.

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    • Nephila, you are twisting things to serve your own purpose. Maybe you believe this nonsense, but it is still a load of crap. Bitterness is the worst form of cancer, and everything that you say on-line is just dripping with it. It seems to me that you need to spend a little more time with God about yourself than with making sure the rest of us are “doing it right”. You’ve poisoned your own well, and no one but yourself is drinking from it.

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    • You have obviously not read my story about how my marriage ended. You’ve decided you know something without checking your facts. I see now why you choose to keep your blog private, yet troll other people’s, dropping your cynicism and judgments around wherever you go.

      While you annoy me to no end, I still feel bad for you. You’ve chosen the darkest way to live, and your surplus of anger, bitterness, and fear bubbles over in everything you say. Maybe God isn’t sending you around to all of us to bring us to repentance…Maybe you are finding us because He is trying to tell YOU something.

      I know my brothers and sisters by the fruit they bear. I’ve seen only bad fruit from you, so I cannot accept anything that you say as from God, or for instruction in my own walk. Most mature Christians will feel the same as I do.

      If you ever want a hand to help you out of this sad, miserable place you’ve found yourself, I’d be happy to pray with you. If you want to stay there, that’s fine by me too. You aren’t powerful enough at all to affect me one way or another. This is milk-grade behavior, not meat-grade maturity.

      ~ Bird

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      • Oh my this is funny. A Christian cheater :) My blog is private for reasons I would personally prefer didn’t exist (ie a psychotic Argyrodes).

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  5. I love that you are still so filled with hope

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  6. Great blog and very good post!, although I would say that there’s very few men who can feel loss like women can, and I believe I was built with a woman’s heart haha!, I know that feeling and the vulnerability and the low self esteem feeling empty and lost and it’s awful, time doesn’t heal all but is a great healer, helps you let go of all the negativity in your heart…

    So glad I came across this :)! 🌹

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    • Thank you for your sweet compliment! I agree. Time doesn’t heal it all, but it does make it manageable. I appreciate you stopping by!

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  7. You spoke straight to my heart, when you ended with “I may be going through some hard things right now, but I am blessed beyond measure by the grace of my God, by His mercy, and by His steadfast love for me despite how much I can never deserve it. I am rich.” No matter our troubles God is indeed with us some He is carrying, some He is walking beside and some like me He is holding close filling in the void that death left. God continue to bless and heal you through this time.

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    • Thank you, Patty! Sometimes I just have to write it out so I can remind myself. :-)

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      • God brings healing to many of us through words – it is a great gift and a blessing to so many of us that you share them.

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