About a month ago, Rebekkah and I had a conversation about what “getting back on our feet again” meant. That promise of normalcy has seemed to be a shimmering oasis of hope in these dry deserts I have been living in since my ex and I split up. One more paycheck, then we’ll be caught up. Move to a house, away from the apartment, then we’ll be back where we started. Always just within reaching distance….until something unforeseen and crappy happens…which always did, and always does. Today, I cannot see that elusive goal anywhere near. I am exhausted, unemployed, and wondering what is next. The upside is I now expect the worst, so it isn’t as “unforeseen” as it used to be. The downside is, now what do I set before myself as a goal?
It isn’t a sign of a lack of faith to acknowledge, I’m just really exhausted. I feel like I entered the metaphorically perfect rendition of the Valley of the Shadow of Death when Chef took up drugs, porn, and a new girlfriend. Every minute for years was a fresh, new hellish low in my life. For awhile now, I have optimistically been trudging ahead, believing the valley would give way soon to greener, more peaceful fields located by lazy, clear streams of water. What the hell? This stupid valley just keeps going on and on!!
I think God needs to send a rescue team in here to get me. I’ve obviously taken a wrong turn somewhere!!
I don’t think my life will ever go back to the way it was before. All the money, love, and security in the world won’t fix what was broken inside of me. I find that unspoken striving for something that has been gone for a long time now, ludicrous when I take a minute to reflect on it. I literally was assuring myself I was almost back to normal, without really taking the time to analyze what exactly I thought that would be. I am not afraid of having too little; I’m not afraid of living in harsher areas; I’m only afraid that everything from now on will have to be fought for so hard, I’ll never feel a moment of true serenity again. I am physically tired from just “surviving” these days.
I sound morose, but really, I feel kind of peaceful. I think this is what it must feel like when you stop wondering if you are losing your mind, and just relax into the insanity.
I have gone on some job interviews, and I’m waiting to hear back from them. The market here is saturated with highly competitive applicants. I know this, because I just spent the last two years working for a staffing company. I have increased my odds by applying for over 60 jobs in two days, but again, each position has dozens of people vying for the opportunity. It is getting harder to stand out in a crowd.
My roommates both moved out. This was not a bad thing, per se. I like both of them, but this house was very small, easily messed up, and not everyone was on the same page about how to run a household. Tony fell in love, and his girlfriend was just a poor fit on top of too many people shoved into one home. We parted friendly, but I feel the crunch of having to swing the bills alone. Mindy hated living in this part of town, and for her own peace of mind, she really had to move back to Broken Arrow. The fact that she refused to go to the Gang-Shooting Walmart two miles away, instead driving 18 miles to the Broken Arrow Walmart, spoke volumes.Gang bangers give me wide berth; I shop where I want. No one should be living in fear. She was nice enough to leave me the washer and dryer, which really helps us out a lot. I don’t really know why some people feel so afraid while others don’t, but I can’t penalize her for not being more like me. I’m glad she feels safe again.
There are some rough things going on for some of my brothers and sisters, though I don’t feel like it is my place to expound on it. I just feel a lot older than I usually do. I wish we had ended up closer to each other emotionally; the thought that some of them could die and that bridge never be mended bothers me.
Ella gave birth to 8 puppies. One of them is not going to make it, and Ella has two nipples that seem plugged up. Today she seems sickly, and we are trying to figure out a way to get her to a doctor when we have no money. Meanwhile, the tiny, obviously premature puppy, keeps holding on to life. It’s so hard to watch his brave little battle. :-(
Jake, my old german shepherd, has very bad hip dysplasia, and it hurts my heart to watch him try to navigate with his crippled back legs. Some days are worse than others, but today is the worst I’ve ever seen him. I’m not sure how long I can let this go on. Each time he gets this bad, I am afraid he won’t improve enough to have any real quality of life. He has always improved, but I know, one day he won’t. He is the last pet I have from the kids’ childhoods. When he is
gone, so is that part of my life.
There are some good things going on, too, though. I bought my first piece of furniture since Chef lost all of ours. It was a dining room table I found on Craigslist. It was super cheap (my price range), and from the pictures that were posted, it looked like a little square table with four chairs. When Simon and I went to pick it up, it turned out to be a full dining room table with a bench, four chairs, built-in extension leaf, and had porcelain in-lays with blue flowers etched around the corners. It was in stunningly excellent shape, and I still walk by it and feel amazed. I love good surprises!
Bekkie now has her own room, and Dj took over the garage for his own. The household is peaceful; more like the environment we are used to. It stays clean, quiet, and blessedly peaceful. Tony gave us his cat, Sophie, and she shadows Dj around like a celebrity stalker. We are going to get her and Ella fixed just the minute we get the money together.
I talked to my sister, Alexa (not her real name). She and Audra (Stonking Best Friend and My Best Friend Cheats At Board Games) have finally found a way to move Mom back to Texas. My mother is being brought to the Rio Grande Valley, to live in a nursing home about a mile from Alexa’s house. She’s been in New York living near another sister for almost a decade. That sister, we’ll call her Shannon, settled in that area after she divorced her husband several years ago. There was no one else in Mom’s family near her. For years, only Shannon has had any interaction with her, and even that was only very little. I honestly thought we had said our goodbyes. I’m both excited and anxious about seeing her again.
In the Valley, Mom will be near her mother, brother, sister, two of her five kids, numerous grandchildren, nieces, nephews, cousins, and whole boatload of friends she left behind. I could just cry with relief for her. I have a brother in Colorado, Caitlyn, my youngest, in Arizona, and myself here in Oklahoma, all within driving distance to go see her. Even my Dad is planning a trip to visit her.
I would ask my praying followers to remember me in your prayers tonight. I’m a resilient person, but I feel pretty heavy at the moment. A lot of chapters in my life seem to be drawing to a final conclusion, and I am a bit overwhelmed by the uncertainty of my future.