In my previous post, http://everyonehasastory.me/2014/07/13/my-stalker-was-busy-last-night-an-apology/, My Stalker Was Busy Last Night, I wrote about some of what was going on and why so many of you got a visit and some comments about me.
Let me explain.
I know that it is inevitable that people are going to develop an idea about me from what I write. We all do it, and that in itself, isn’t a bad thing. But I don’t want to give an impression of myself that is blatantly false. And though the facts about my stalker were true, the tone of compassion was not.
I know this guy well enough to know what would really piss him off, and that post was only designed to strike back at him in a manner I knew he would completely hate.
I am disappointingly flawed when it comes to being attacked. My initial reactions are never to just turn the other cheek, though I know that is what I should do.
My first response is to go all Machiavellian on my attacker. I never start a fight, but once I feel attacked, I always want to finish it. And I fight to win. I take no prisoners. My mom used to call it my Sicilian Revenge Gene. I generally have some control over myself when I get angry and wait awhile until I’m calm enough to think rationally before doing anything about it.
The exceptions to these cases, though, are when I am surprised by something that makes me either super pissed off or unusually afraid. Especially when I am taken by complete surprise.This guy did all of the above. I woke up to people who seemed afraid for me, which in turn, made me afraid too. There were so many!! Plus, there is a whole back story to this that just doesn’t make any sense to me, and I hate things that don’t fit into a pattern. Irrational behaviors in people freak me completely out. To me, those are the people that are the real dangers in my life. I knew this guy was unhealthily focused on me, but I was not aware to what degree I had become an obsession. I was pissed, scared, and surprised. The Perfect Storm.
So, here is the real truth about myself and my last “compassionate” post.
I am pretty good about being able to read people.
This person once held a place of power that he no longer occupies, and he is exceptionally easy to understand when it comes to what motivates him. I knew that by not showing any anger, fear, or any real regard for his perceived potential ability to cause me any damage, it would literally piss him right the hell off. And that was my motive. Not to show any understanding or compassion. Just to make him think he was nothing more than a small annoyance on the same level as a fly or gum on my shoe.
The logical part of me knows that was just a dumb move on my part. It is never a good idea to provoke a mentally unstable person into having to step up his game a notch to get your attention. That is the exact reason he visited all of your sites in the first place. To get me to take him seriously when I didn’t the first time. I put no thought into anything other than lashing back at him. I was mad.
I felt guilty when I got complimented on my kindness to a mentally ill man. I realized then the level of deceit my post was conveying, and decided that I am not okay with people thinking I had handled all of this so well. I blew it. I wasn’t being kind. I was poking the bear.
I apologize for misleading you guys. I write this post knowing he will read it and know he did actually get me good. That’s ok.
Here is the truth, tone and all, that I want my stalker to know:
You were able to rattle me, and I admit, I wrote that post because I knew you would be completely insulted by it.
Yesterday, I was super upset. Today, I am back under control of myself. I know some of the things you struggle with, and I am honestly sorry for lashing out in the manner that I did. There is no reason for you and I to be involved in a war with each other, and I don’t want to be. I’ve had enough anger, bitterness, and drama to last me a lifetime, and I want no part of any of that anymore.
I cannot say I understand why you feel the way you do, but know this: I actually do feel compassion and mercy for you today. I would never want to take away anything important from you, ever. Striking out at someone who has hurt you never makes your own pain feel any better. I hope you will take this as a peace offering and let all of this go. I have no problem also letting bygones be bygones.
I want you to know this, though, as well. I have children that live with me, and there are parts of what happened with Chef and I that I have not written much about that come into play when I am afraid. I want no part of any fight with you; however, if you ever make me feel threatened, or make me fear for the safety of my children again, I will do everything in my power to have you locked up in a psych ward. It won’t be because of vindictiveness, only for our safety. I hope you understand, forgiveness and mercy don’t equate to letting people hurt us for no good reasons. I am tired of all of your weird crap when it comes to me, and this is your notice that the very next incident you present me with, I will take every bit of evidence I have against you to an attorney. I won’t call the cops, but I will take you for everything you’re worth. Please don’t make me do that. You need to find something else to fill your time. It has been two years now, and I’m finished dealing with it.
I REST MY CASE!
I feel better now that I have told you guys the truth. I am not a saint. I am struggling with my crap, same as everyone else.