Tag Archives: adultery

My Heart’s A Traitor Bastard

Posted on by Standard 34

I cried today. A lot.

Now, if you’ve been following this blog for the last year and some months, you’re probably saying to yourself, so what? This girl has

You moved a girl-chipmunk into our hole, gave her my nuts (and yours), and everyone saw. But these flowers make it all better, baby. Give me a smooch.

You moved a girl-chipmunk into our hole, gave her my nuts (and yours…tsk, tsk), and all our chipmunk friends saw. Now I live in a rundown hole in the ghetto. But these flowers make it all better, baby. Give me a smooch.

been crying for over a year now. But the truth is, I’ve been relatively content the last few months, and tears haven’t been all that common. But in the last few weeks, a lot of stuff has been happening around me, and today, I finally broke down and had a nice, long cry-fest. Sometimes, tears are the only way to cleanse a wounded soul. And mine is sparkling clean right now.

I’m only guessing, but I think every jilted wife in the world has this secret fantasy that their wandering husband will wake up one day, kick the other woman to the curb, and come crawling back, professing their undying love between the heart-felt regrets for what they’d done to us.  It’s a stupid daydream in all it’s simple-ness; by the time the wanderer has wandered, there is a mountain of crap to be shoveled through before reconciliation can even be considered, and mere words don’t even begin to cut it. If , that is, reconciliation is even something these broken wives hope for. I’m betting there is more interest in seeing their husbands having a high-heeled shoe surgically removed from their a$$es than any kind of sorrowful regret / let’s-live-happily-ever-after moments. But I’m actually not one of these normal, broken women. As pathetic as it may sound, deep down in the hidden recesses of my heart, I wanted my husband to come back some day. And for some added humiliation, I’ll go ahead and admit it. I still love Chef. So much for being a secret bad-a$$ ninja woman. I’m a sap.

I’m a person that holds logic in high regard, and it is with no small amount of embarrassment that I admit this to you all. Despite all the betrayal, humiliation, and dashed hopes, I still wanted my husband to come and sweep me off my feet again. And that deep desire has been the bane of my existence for months now. While it’s true that I haven’t felt that excruciating pain like I did in the beginning, and I’ve been able to happily believe at some points that I was over him, I’ve noticed this disturbing trend in myself. The less angry I feel, the more I can still feel that love for him.

Will someone please shoot me?

The Chef and T Love Fest has been going downhill over at the old Homestead for a while now, and even my poor dogs look traumatized by the rather quick run this relationship seemed to have taken, almost from the minute they moved in together. It is a sterling example of the very truth that the old cliché preaches — the grass is never greener on the other side. I won’t pour out the intimate circumstances of the up-and-coming demise of their relationship…It is their story, and I’m only a third-party spectator with limited rights to it, but I will say this. I can’t say with any real honesty that I wasn’t a little happy to see it all fall to crap, and so quickly at that. So much for the next Romeo & Juliet romance.  :-)

I know.

It is a very ungodly attitude, but as I told you all before..I don’t have this Christian thing down yet when it comes to my separation and impending divorce. I still suffer from being a fallen human with a fallen nature. And as T has had to experience, in lesser degrees, some of the emotions I had experienced when she and my husband decided they were in love, I’ve found a lot of that crazy anger melting away. Turns out, revenge loses some of its charm without that anger to fuel it.

I actually dreamed of the time when T and Chef would get a taste of their own medicine, and yet, when it really actually happened, I found myself less gleeful than I had expected, and rather a little more sad for them. None of the major players in this creepy triangle are happy for the most part. Actually, I’m the one who seems to be enjoying my life more consistently. How weird is that?? Satan must be having a blast at the amount of misery he’s been able to spread around in my little circle. What a douche.

Which has led me back to my original thoughts. Would I take him back? I think the answer is maybe. On the one hand, forgiveness isn’t a problem for me. I can forgive him. But trust, on the opposite hand, is a huge problem in my life. And the trust is gone, gone, gone. But, what if he and I were to get counseling? Oh, please. I’ve tried how many counselors for lesser things in my life? And I’ve stuck with none of them. And he’s worse than I am about that kind of stuff. Then, I’ve asked myself if he really loved me, how could he have done all the stuff he did? And here’s where I get stuck. He couldn’t have, could he? His words these days are perfect, as usual, but I’m not a fool enough to believe this man I’ve lived with my entire adult life doesn’t know just what to say to manipulate me. But, where are the actions to back up the words? Until recently, there were none, but he’s starting to do little things that make me wonder.

And I just hate that!

This cartoon sums my life right now perfectly. Chef is chasing Bird...but what will happen if he catches her? Fried chicken?

This cartoon sums my life right now perfectly. Chef is chasing Bird…but what will happen if he catches her? Fried chicken?

Let’s face it. As long as Chef and Bird live in the same city, we’re always going to be connected. We both find it easy at times to slip back into the comfortably worn routines we’d had with one another all these years, and while I can’t say what it does for him, I can say it makes me long for those simpler, happier times I was secure in his love. And anymore, he voices more and more of his regret over all that has happened to our marriage and family, and more importantly (to me), his dissatisfaction with his new relationship. And now that she is setting up her own escape route, I’m faced with the decision…move on without him, or explore the possibility that this marriage might have a tiny chance if we were to work on it.

Today, all the stuff going on in my life, added to Chef’s very early morning visit to my apartment this morning, where he cried for hours over all that has happened, including hurting me, his children, and T, and his one, true humble apology added to his pleading for another chance, all culminated into a good cry this afternoon.

To my chagrin, not once did I even think about kicking him in the butt with my own high-heeled shoe. Instead, I just wanted God to take that lingering love for him out of my heart, or to just make this last year and a half disappear completely. I want a Do-Over.

And incidentally, God is completely blowing off my requests. I guess I’m always going to love Chef. I might never be his wife again, but the love is still there. And whether I like it or not, all of this really did happen. It isn’t just going to go away. Oh, my treacherous heart!!

Anyways, this is more of a mental health post than anything. I’d love to know if there are any other wives that wish they didn’t feel this vulnerable to their exes, like me.

– Bird


Love In the Ghetto — It Almost Feels Like Spring

Posted on by Standard 21
But Ebony set him straight!

But Ebony set him straight!

For those of you who are my friends on Facebook, you probably are aware that last night, we had yet another shooting here at the apartments I live at. Police were everywhere, and a helicopter was used to locate the shooter. I wasn’t really bothered by it other than a bit concerned for Rebekkah, who had gone out with some friends. Thank God for cell phones.

This morning, I looked up how it all turned out last night, figuring it would be good common sense to know if a rabid, gun-wielding gang member was shacked up somewhere close. Below is the article I found, and I’m sorry, but this is just humorous to me.  And they said romance was dead!!!

:-)

Tulsa Teen Jailed In Boyfriend’s Shooting – NewsOn6.com – Tulsa, OK – News, Weather, Video and Sports – KOTV.com |.

“Tulsa police arrested a 19-year-old woman for shooting her boyfriend Friday night at the Prescott Woods Apartment complex, 61st and Peoria. Officers were already at the complex when they heard gunfire, according to Sergeant Ryan Woods of the Tulsa Police Department.

“Some of our gang officers were in the area as well,” Woods said. “They located the victim that had been shot once.”

The man, who had been shot in the torso, told officers his girlfriend Ebony Hill shot him during an argument after he told her he was going to sleep with another girl. 

Hill was booked into the Tulsa County Jail on a complaint of shooting with intent to kill.”

Best advice I could give any man around this area of town is to not assume your dealing with a girl schooledthat doesn’t carry a gun and isn’t willing to pop one off in yo’ a$$.
Dude was schooled!
LOL!!
– Bird
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Keeping The Blogisphere A Beautiful Place – Very Inspiring Blogger Award

Posted on by Standard 21

I would like to thank blogventer, one of my newer friends, for nominating me for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award!!  I will say, veryinspiringblogaward3though, that I’m pretty sure I’m not “Keeping the Blogisphere a Beautiful Place”. There are some other adjectives that come to mind…  :-) In addition to this award, I was also nominated for the Reality Blog Award awhile back from Water Bearer at Inner Angels and Enemies, and would like to thank her as well. I do appreciate you both thinking of me!

The rules seem pretty much the same for both of these awards, and I don’t follow rules for these things all that closely anyways.

If I nominated 15 people each time I did one of these, I’d never have time for anything else, and that would be 15 writers per award out there secretly cursing my name. I know at least one writer, Paula who has some experience with voodoo dolls, and I don’t like taking the risk.  Admit it, my fellow bloggers! These awards are so flattering and make us feel appreciated and accepted; but by the time we’ve linked back to all our nominations, our will to live has been severely weakened. realityblogaward

So, I’m going to wing it, and try not to bore you with yet another list of random stuff about me. Instead, I’ll share some dirt. Brace yourselves.

Six things about me:

1) I haven’t been writing about dating lately because I have been dating someone I really like, and though he’s read some of my blog, we haven’t discussed how he would feel if I wrote about him.

2) I’ve been torn about taking the parts about Chef out of the blog altogether. On one hand, I feel like people are helped by it, but on the other, even though he did some pretty crappy things, I can’t imagine it feels good to know someone just posted it on the internet. How do you tell a story about something that has so profoundly impacted your life like this has mine,  and yet maintain some of their privacy as well? It’s a slippery slope when you start throwing stones at anyone, despite their guilt.

3) A few months ago, I did actually hit Chef’s girlfriend. It didn’t feel as satisfying as I had imagined it would, but I do feel somewhat of a bad-ass now. I cried about it for days, though, kind of nullifying the Bad-Ass Badge.

4) I’ve had panic attacks thinking about spending the rest of my life with Chef in it, haunting me with glimpses of the happy past.

5) I’ve had panic attacks thinking about the rest of my life without him in it..

6) I’ve had panic attacks when my DVR hasn’t recorded a program I’ve been waiting for all week, so don’t read anything into the panic attacks. :-)

Nominate some blogs:

1) Sex, Spirit, Soul Mates, and Chocolate…Ivonne’s Journey – There are literally dozens of blogs written by people who have lost their marriages that I follow, but Ivonne’s way of coping is so close to mine, she feels like she could be related. Occasionally, she’ll steer me to an article about something I’m going through, and it patches me right back up. I simply love this girl.

2) Hometogo232– One of the things that I had wished I’d had going through all of this was my mother. Despite everything, I wish I could have crawled in her lap and just cried at how rotten things can be sometimes. Diane has more than once made me feel “mother-ed”, and I will always appreciate her gentle words of advice and comfort.

And that’s it, my friends. Thanks again for the recognition!!

– Bird

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Dancing In Our Nightmares

Posted on by Standard 32

Ok.

First, before I sound like a goofball, I just want to go on the record as saying that I almost never watch Dr. Phil. Don’t get me wrong. I think he has a lot of wisdom, but I rarely find myself in the mood to hear about how bad other people’s lives are….except when my own is castleflailing so badly there is nowhere to go but up. In an unfamiliar act, I set my DVR to record one of his past episodes a few weeks ago. The only word I remembered from the advertisement was “Dealbreakers” and I thought about my whole relationship with Chef this last year, and the word stuck with me. It’s just been fraught with dealbreakers lately.

Then, in a more normal display of rebellion, I ignored the recording for weeks. I don’t know why I find myself afraid to hear some things, but something in me told me I wasn’t going to like hearing this. I couldn’t have been more wrong, or more right.

The truth is, had I watched this episode a few weeks ago, it would have only made me feel worse about myself, but lately, I’ve been able to adjust to how I fit in my new world, and while I feel still a bit unsure of myself, I have to say I’m feeling much more adult than I ever have before.

One of the guests on the show was the young wife of a man caught in a sting trying to have sex with a 13 year-old girl. Now, I’d like to think that had Chef walked over that line, I’d have kicked his nasty butt to the curb, but these days, I find myself less sure of what I will and will not tolerate. I’m not so quick to decide I’d do anything. I’ve already compromised more than I said I ever would.

And so, I could really empathize with this poor wife who hated what her husband had done, yet still loved her husband and was so broken and confused by what he seemed to find lacking in her. As I watched her cry and struggle to answer questions about reactions in herself that she simply did not understand, I got it. I just understood. Sometimes, we are appalled at our own reactions. I knew that I could get over Chef using drugs, and even the porn, with a little help. I was even pretty sure I could get over the affair, given the proper amount of remorse and regret, along with love and kindness. And in an enormous amount of humiliating lack of self-respect, I figured I could get over my husband moving the girl into my home, giving her love letters that basically said the same things he used to write to me, and letting her hang up her clothes in my half of our closet, lay her head on the pillows I used to sleep on, and even use the clothes I hadn’t taken with me, not to mention what she does sexually with my husband. Yes. I thought I could get over all of this.

The problem for me is that I never really had a list of dealbreakers in my own mind. As Christians, I do believe we should go above and beyond to make our marriages work. But the Bible says to let an unbelieving spouse go his own way, too, and that is where I got stuck. I didn’t want to believe that Chef had tricked me for all of those years. I wanted to believe in this fantasy I had created in my own mind of just who and what Chef was all about, and he just couldn’t live up to that dream. I think the man he was is worthy of the grieving I did for him, but the man he is now doesn’t want to be a Christian man, and I have to leave him to it, then. A marriage won’t work if both people are struggling towards different goals.

Which leads me to another realization I came to. And this one is a bit harder to admit. Because of my age when the predator starting molesting me, I have spent most of my life in a “child-like” bubble. Most of my reactions to big emotions seem to be those of a teen-age girl, which explains why I’ve avoided them completely when possible. My relationships have always looked more fatherly/daughterly than two equal partners and it wasn’t until I started to refuse to allow Chef to order me to do things I just didn’t want to do that we started to really have problems.

There have been an alarming number of compromises I’ve made in order to keep my husband happy, and it is with a lot of shame I admit that. It seems to me that God did actually answer my prayers when I begged Him to rescue me and Chef out of this drug-induced, porn-tainted hell I found myself in. I just figured He would magically make Chef suddenly well. I didn’t realize God, instead, started my healing first.

Ask any of the many people who knew me growing up and you’ll probably get the same story. I was an obedient, respectful child. And even though I was being molested, my reactions to authority were not a farce. I obeyed without question. And that is the kind of wife I was too.

Over the last few years, though, God was bringing that sexual dysfunction and emotional retardation to surface and we had been dealing with it, piece by piece. And as I was able to address and unravel some of that shame, guilt, and rage, I was healing. And as I was healing, I wasn’t so quick to allow Chef to bully me into doing things I just felt were wrong. I don’t know how this looked from his side, but I’m guessing he probably didn’t understand this spineless girl growing the huevos to say no to him. And if we’re going to be fair here, it wasn’t what he had signed up for.

It’s kind of scary what doors can be opened in your own mind just hearing and seeing a similar situation for another person, but I have to say I’m glad these doors are open now. I don’t think Chef’s needing to replace me with T says anything bad about me anymore, nor do I feel that overwhelming, erratic urge to win him back just to prove there never had been anything wrong with me in the first place. The prize would not be worth the pain I’d continue to be living in. There have been way too many dealbreakers for me to even consider it. And as an adult woman, I’m clearly placing a line in the sand about what I will and will not tolerate from someone I love and trust. No more fairy tales and grieving for something that, in the light of day, was unhealthy from the very start. And I don’t say it was unhealthy because of Chef. It was unhealthy because I was a broken, unhealthy little girl when I set out down this path.

I’m not mad at Chef anymore for all of his meth-linked mistakes. He’s a broken person just like me, and he hasn’t found his way to his Healer yet. But I’m thanking God tonight for a little clarity and for allowing me to begin seeing Chef and T from a different viewpoint that isn’t so cynical, hurt, and angry. We are all just a lot of people who are broken, radiating towards other broken people, replicating a horrible dance that feels familiar to us. Abused people find people who abuse them to dance with. Addicts find other addicts to dance with. We all rebuild the nightmares of our childhoods, and live in those frail castles until God plucks us out and renews our hearts and our minds.

I just left the stupid dance early, and Chef got another partner that still knows the steps. I’m sorry, Chef and T. I’m learning the steps to a new dance now.

– Bird

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It’s Getting Hot in the Ghetto

Posted on by Standard 13

It would seem that Chef has reconsidered his position and has agreed to give me my uncontested divorce. Since I was quick to post his stupidity, I felt it was only right to post that he had come to his senses again rather quickly. Thank you, Chef. 

Of course, he hasn’t actually signed the paperwork yet, but I just have this feeling he won’t back out again. Color.Me.Happy.

Now on to another subject. I’m thinking that I’m going to probably have to move out of my

A pretty common scene around my apartment complex. But hey! At least they actually show up over here.

A pretty common scene around my apartment complex. But hey! At least they actually show up over here.

little ghetto home. This week, Tulsa had a gruesome set of murders, (read about it here –4 Women Murdered) in the apartments next to mine. Yes. You could literally see the apartments from our courtyard. Earlier in the week, we had a gang shooting in the parking lot where my car is usually parked. It’s getting a tad bit hot in the ghetto, and after talking to Ernie and Diane, I’m thinking that it would probably be better if I found a new residence in a safer zone. Fox 23 here in Tulsa aired a piece talking about how out of the 6 murders that had happened in Tulsa in 2013, 5 of them happened over here where I live. It doesn’t inspire me to feel safe.

What is even creepier is that two of the women that were murdered were 23-year-old twins named Rebekah and Caytlyn. Now if you are new around here, let me fill you in. My daughters, while not twins, are named Rebekkah (24) and Caitlyn (21). That made my skin crawl. I’m currently researching whether or not I can get out of my lease, and if I can, I’m thinking of heading to live in Tahlequah. I have excellent friends there, and it seems cheaper and safer to live there. So, if you would, say a little prayer that God direct me where He wants me. Thanks!!

I’m exhausted from my battle of wills with Chef, so I’m going to take a flu-induced nap. TTYL!

Love,

Bird

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