Tag Archives: anxiety

Keeping The Blogisphere A Beautiful Place – Very Inspiring Blogger Award

Posted on by Standard 21

I would like to thank blogventer, one of my newer friends, for nominating me for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award!!  I will say, veryinspiringblogaward3though, that I’m pretty sure I’m not “Keeping the Blogisphere a Beautiful Place”. There are some other adjectives that come to mind…  :-) In addition to this award, I was also nominated for the Reality Blog Award awhile back from Water Bearer at Inner Angels and Enemies, and would like to thank her as well. I do appreciate you both thinking of me!

The rules seem pretty much the same for both of these awards, and I don’t follow rules for these things all that closely anyways.

If I nominated 15 people each time I did one of these, I’d never have time for anything else, and that would be 15 writers per award out there secretly cursing my name. I know at least one writer, Paula who has some experience with voodoo dolls, and I don’t like taking the risk.  Admit it, my fellow bloggers! These awards are so flattering and make us feel appreciated and accepted; but by the time we’ve linked back to all our nominations, our will to live has been severely weakened. realityblogaward

So, I’m going to wing it, and try not to bore you with yet another list of random stuff about me. Instead, I’ll share some dirt. Brace yourselves.

Six things about me:

1) I haven’t been writing about dating lately because I have been dating someone I really like, and though he’s read some of my blog, we haven’t discussed how he would feel if I wrote about him.

2) I’ve been torn about taking the parts about Chef out of the blog altogether. On one hand, I feel like people are helped by it, but on the other, even though he did some pretty crappy things, I can’t imagine it feels good to know someone just posted it on the internet. How do you tell a story about something that has so profoundly impacted your life like this has mine,  and yet maintain some of their privacy as well? It’s a slippery slope when you start throwing stones at anyone, despite their guilt.

3) A few months ago, I did actually hit Chef’s girlfriend. It didn’t feel as satisfying as I had imagined it would, but I do feel somewhat of a bad-ass now. I cried about it for days, though, kind of nullifying the Bad-Ass Badge.

4) I’ve had panic attacks thinking about spending the rest of my life with Chef in it, haunting me with glimpses of the happy past.

5) I’ve had panic attacks thinking about the rest of my life without him in it..

6) I’ve had panic attacks when my DVR hasn’t recorded a program I’ve been waiting for all week, so don’t read anything into the panic attacks. :-)

Nominate some blogs:

1) Sex, Spirit, Soul Mates, and Chocolate…Ivonne’s Journey – There are literally dozens of blogs written by people who have lost their marriages that I follow, but Ivonne’s way of coping is so close to mine, she feels like she could be related. Occasionally, she’ll steer me to an article about something I’m going through, and it patches me right back up. I simply love this girl.

2) Hometogo232– One of the things that I had wished I’d had going through all of this was my mother. Despite everything, I wish I could have crawled in her lap and just cried at how rotten things can be sometimes. Diane has more than once made me feel “mother-ed”, and I will always appreciate her gentle words of advice and comfort.

And that’s it, my friends. Thanks again for the recognition!!

– Bird

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The Big Day – My Court Hearing

Posted on by Standard 27

 

Yesterday was just one exhausting day, and it all started with DJ oversleeping, and being late for work. Or so we thought. After the mad scramble, phone calls, and the hustle out the door, I called Chef to tell him I was also running late. The clock said 8am, and I had to be in court by 9am. When he answered the phone, it was obvious that I woke him up, too. After some garbled conversation that I didn’t understand, he pressed upon me the point that it was actually 5am in the morning…lol. Dj, when he was hitting the snooze button, had accidentally changed the time on the clock….LOL!!!!

I sent DJ a text and let him know that he was actually extremely early, and he came back. Poor baby. He was just positive he was going to be fired on his 5th day of work at his new job.

I prayed, read a little from my bible, and then got ready for court. I hate public speaking, and I really hate knowing that I have this power in my hands to make someone else’s life miserable. I hate it. I wrote a few days ago that I’m always suspicious of my motives, so I had the kids and friends pray for God‘s will for Chef. And while I won’t go into the details, suffice it to say, He answered them.

The judge was concerned that I didn’t take what Chef had done as serious as perhaps I should have. I still have problems believing Chef is a danger to me. And that was his only skirt near criticizing me, which didn’t offend  me at all because he is probably right. But I don’t fear death, ever. I look forward to seeing my God, my home, my lost loved ones. I also believe that satan has to have permission from God before my life can be snuffed out, and all the PO’s and self-preservation in the world isn’t going to change the date of my death.

The judge was extremely harsh with Chef, not allowing him to really explain much about his side of the story. Chef is a fantastic public speaker…hands down, the very best I’ve ever seen, and yet the judge wasn’t moved at all by his words. The only thing that really saved Chef from being charged with assault and possibly other more serious charges is that he brought in his paperwork where he had signed up for rehab through the VA. Yay!! Now let’s all pray that he actually goes through with it.

We spent a little time together afterwards — the conditions of his PO do not keep us from contacting each other anymore — and I listened to every single thing that came out of his mouth. Mostly, he was trying to explain how bad his life had become, but I couldn’t really say much about that. I didn’t choose any of this, so I just let him rant, rave, and blame. But at the end of most of these, he would apologize and explain he doesn’t understand why he constantly feels so angry. But whenever I would even mention God, he would go off on a tangent about how all Christians were minions of satan and we all should be shot in the head. Oh, puhhhleeeze! It is hard to stay silent when a person who is cursing God, his wife, his girlfriend, and his children with every other breath, and yet you know full well that there is a minion of satan involved in the conversation, but it wasn’t me.

It is hard to see Chef struggle so hard against God, trying desperately to manipulate anyone and everyone around him to help him clean up his life. And believe you me, if I had the money, I’d be inclined to help him. I have loved him for a long time. But I also know that while I can share some of the meager foods we have with him, or give him $6 for gas money, I am in no position to fix his life. Nor is T, or the kids, and sadly, he has lost all of his good friends and even his mother, who loves him, won’t help him out financially. That is hard to accept when you’ve spent literally decades protecting him from his consequences. I did him no favors. As it has been for our whole marriage, he depends on me to help him instead of God. That is one lesson I’ve learned from all of this very, very well. Stay out of people’s relationships with their God. Period.

The happy thing for me was that I was able to stay calm through those ridiculous diatribes, always reminding myself to a) do not return evil for evil or insult for insult, but give a blessing instead, and b) don’t argue with a fool. Sadly, Chef seems unable to see how his pity party makes him look. I reminded him of all the strong, confident things he’s done over the years, and there was no reason he couldn’t pull himself together again now, but he just wanted a quick fix. There are literally no quick fixes for this kind of damage. Money won’t fix his burned brain, friendships won’t last because he is completely focused on his wants and needs, giving nothing of himself to anyone else. It all makes me feel sympathy for him, but as I drove away from him, I felt that peace again knowing that God had saved me from an even worse nightmare. No way would living with this man be any kind of life with the way he is now.

But I will continue to pray for him, and I will continue to forgive him and T. I will hope that God manifests Himself in Chef’s life in a very powerful and real way. That is all I can do for him anymore.

Thanks to all of you who were praying for us in court. God bless!!!

 

– Bird

 

 

One Pilgrim Who Wants To Burn Down Vanity Fair and Everyone In It

Posted on by Standard 28

I’m a huge C.S. Lewis fan, but lately I’ve been reading The Pilgrim’s Progress by John Bunyan, and I have to say that it kind of makes me feel peaceful.

I’ve often said that if your life is clicking by smoothly without many hitches, you are probably not on the right path…Godwise. For all my non-Christian friends, I mean no disrespect. But for Christians, it was never promised that life was going to be easy. We were not to expect to be treated any better than Jesus was, and the Man was crucified. He was betrayed with a kiss from a friend. He was unjustly accused and convicted. He was denied. He was alone, a God on earth, and He had to have felt that difference between Him and every other person He’d ever met.

Lately, I’ve felt really lonely. I have my children, but I’ve been trying to push them away a bit because while I was a mess, they took care of me, but it was taking its toll on them as well, and it was time to start pulling my life back together. I studied the stages of grief, and it would seem I’m the poster child for them. Now, I have my good days, but then I have days that I just can’t believe how much I want to talk to Chef again about the kids when they were little, or ask him how his day was, or even sit down and work out a problem with him. But, the times I do interact with him, he seems so foreign to me, I feel even lonelier, knowing that I might as well have buried the man. Chef is gone.

I have been trying to keep busy. That was advice a lot of you gave me, and it works pretty well. I’ve started writing my book, though, I can tell already I’m going to have to re-write the whole thing. It travels over peaks and valleys like my moods do, and it makes me dizzy to read it….lol. I feel like a weirdo because I can make all kinds of jokes at the same time I’m weeping uncontrollably. I feel like a mental patient. Maybe Chef is right. Maybe I’m losing my mind!!

I’m reading the chapter now in the book where Christian and Faithful are in Vanity Fair, and they already know one of them is going to die. What I found interesting is that they each secretly hoped it would be themselves. It talks a lot about the accusations that were thrown at them, and how they kept silent. I have a hard time with some of the things Chef has slung at me, and to stay silent is really hard for me. But, for about the last three days, that is what I’ve been doing. I’m refusing to return insult for insult, and Chef seems to be calming down a bit. The kicker is though, that I’m thinking he is assuming that because I won’t argue about whatever nonsense he is spewing, I’m agreeing with him. That annoys me.

In the book, it talks about how they were unjustly accused, and people bore false witness against them. This has happened to me, with people who were adamantly defensive of my position, suddenly not wanting to be involved. No, it wasn’t any of my friends. But this guy was all blow and no go, and now there is damage in the house that I left in good condition, and guess who gets to pay for it? I’m the only one with a job, if you’ll remember.

Still, I secretly hope that I’m Faithful in all of this mess. He was bold, honest, and strong. And even at the end, his faith could not be shaken.

My faith isn’t shaken, and I can actually be happy that at least I know I must be a terrible threat to satan for him to try this hard to kill me, but I feel like I’m just wondering lost in Vanity Fair, and every time I turn a corner, there is a mob there attacking my family. Frankly, the quicker I exit Vanity Fair, the happier I’ll be!!! Where the Hell is the OFF RAMP!!!!

– Catherine

 

Seriously, Just How Important Is A Birthday?

Posted on by Standard 87

Updated: See My Goofy Picture at the Bottom

Today is my birthday.

I don’t say that so everyone makes a big deal about it. I only mention it because I’ve been thinking lately about why most of my life I’ve spent this particular day each year waiting to see who would remember, yet avoiding the internet, telephones, and the mail. What an odd thing to do, now that I really think about it. And on the back of a motorcycle yesterday, I had plenty of time to dissect why I hate most holidays, but especially Christmas and my birthday.

Growing up, my birthday always fell around the time that we were packing up and moving to a new place. My mom was a master packer/mover, and it literally took her one day to get us organized, packed, and loaded. Frankly, it was kind of an incredible sight, but it was also kind of depressing for me. We almost never stayed anywhere long enough for me to make friends, and being a “summer” birthday girl, there weren’t any birthday parties, with the exception of my sixteenth birthday. And,  I am pretty convinced that my Aunt Pamela was behind me actually having a Sweet 16 party, not my mom. We happened to be living in Harlingen for that birthday, and for once, I had quite of few friends from the private school that I had known since we were all small. I remember my Aunt Pam asking me what I wanted to do to celebrate my birthday that year, and I have no idea what my answer was. What did it matter what I hoped for? I figured we’d get a cake and some ice cream, they’d sing to me, and I’d get a present from my Aunt and Uncle and my Grandmother. All of these things were more than we ever did when we lived away from my mom’s sister and mother. Most of the time, Mom would bake a cake a few days after my birthday, promising that the next year would be better. But when it came to my aunt, she wouldn’t dream of not getting me a present. She was always good about things like that.

I knew my mom wouldn’t be able to afford a gift for me for this birthday either, but would promise that next year would be better. Growing up, I can count the gifts I’ve gotten for my birthday on one hand. And most of them came from other family members, but not my mom or stepfather.

It isn’t about the gifts or parties for me, though. It was about feeling special…like someone was glad that you’d shown up in this world, and wanted you to know it. And so, each year was a painful reminder to me that even mom didn’t think much about the day I showed up in this world…And I was her First Born Kid!! In fairness to my mom, though, she was from just as broken a childhood as me, and her family didn’t make a big deal about her birthday either. I think she’d be surprised to know that I always felt this way, and probably a bit guilty as well. She was raising five children, all very different and very demanding in different ways, plus not getting much help in any of the areas of her life from her husband, all the while making a little bit of money stretch to pay for just the very basic needs we had. Birthdays were just not a priority when it came to all that she was trying to balance.

Believe it or not, I didn’t get bitter about it, even as a kid. It was sad, but normal at my house. I didn’t get parties, but neither did the other kids in my family, and to me that was even worse. My two brothers and two sisters are actually quite a bit younger than me, and to see them disappointed when they were little was just mortifying. They seemed always to hope they would have a birthday party with all of their friends, or wish for a specific toy,  but I only remember them getting one or two parties the whole time I lived there. They did get presents, though. Their grandmother (we have different fathers) was always faithful about sending gifts to them no matter where we were, and as they got older, those presents were pretty much what they would request. And they were always wonderful gifts, so that made the sting of their birthday disappointments less potent. But, for my brother and I, who weren’t the biological grandchildren, it was a rub in our faces. We usually got socks and underwear for presents…A keen reminder that we didn’t belong to that family.

Anyways…enough of the sad stuff..

That Sweet 16 birthday party was a surprise party for me, and it always brings back good and bad memories. The happy memories were that all my friends, including Audra, were there, and my cake was Garfield the cat, and we had a pinata, and I got a lot of presents. The only bad memory was that my step-grandmother asked me if I was a lesbian because she’d never seen me “go around” with a boy. And she wasn’t asking innocently…it sounded like a snide accusation. But, I didn’t know what a lesbian was, and by the time she explained it to me in a way my rather innocent mind could understand, I was so freaked out, it took me sneaking a shot of vodka or whiskey, I forget which,  to calm myself back down..

This isn’t my step-grandmother. It is just a keen likeness of how I remember her….

I never knew my step-grandmother all that well, having only met her a handful of times, so her opinions about me were not only not welcome, but downright insulting!  At first, I sat there with my ears turning red, knowing that if I opened my mouth, no good thing would come from it. But I wasn’t going to let this woman accuse me of anything when she’d only ever even seen me less than 5 times ever. It was the principal of the matter. I started off calmly… I told her I wasn’t allowed to date, so it wasn’t like I could bring guys around. But, I lost control of my calm exterior quickly, and I told her that I’d had a few boyfriends, none of whom I wanted around this f***** up, freak-show of family I was in. By the last words, I was semi-shouting, and standing up. I know. There was nothing Godly about my reaction. I was just hoping to have one nice birthday party, and it seemed like this step-grandmother just wanted to ruin it for me.  All in all, though, it was a pretty tame response considering  I had just found out that there was such a thing as same sex sex, which I evidently gave the impression I was into, by an old woman who I always thought was cold, bitchy, and stuck-up (because she always talked about how much money she had, and how she was going to be buried by her dead husband, not my grandfather). She never did anything for me to reassess my initial opinion of her, and that very moment, she actually proved what I’d suspected since the first time I’d met her..she was just a mean woman; she was attending my party to see if she could ruin it, nothing more.  Even now, I’m surprised by these kinds of people, who take some kind of joy in hurting someone else. It isn’t something I ever want to empathize with though. It is just pathetic to hurt anyone else for amusement or sport.

She was very taken aback at my language, as she considered herself a sophisticated, classy lady, and such language was beneath her breeding (and money, I suspect), but evidently was delighted with the proof that I was indeed trailer trash; as for my insulting our family, that didn’t bother her much as she didn’t much care for us “lesser” members of her new husband’s bloodline, of which she wasn’t part of. But, for my lack of respect when addressing her, she was just livid!! And she informed me that this was why she didn’t spend time with my grandfather’s side of the family. We were rude, crude, and disrespectful. I only heard rushing water in my skull while she lectured on, and in the end, she got the last word  because I walked off while she was still scolding me, heading to the bathroom to analyze what had just happened with this strange old woman, process lesbianism and its ramifications in my universe,  freak a bit about how much trouble I was going to be in when the old hag tattled to my mom about our little spat, and figure out how to steal a shot of vodka so I could go outside and enjoy my damn Sweet 16 birthday party.

I accomplished all of these things, and happily, I never saw my step-grandmother again. My mom was too horrified that someone thought one of her kids was a lesbian to care about anything else that was said or done.  I skated by with only a vague frown about my use of the F word, but I think mom was secretly a little glad someone had finally gone off on the haughty new wife. Mom and my aunt whisked me back to my pinata and the step-grandmother was gone when we went back in the house a little while later. Another thing I think I have my aunt to thank for.. …   :-) Best.Birthday.Party.Ever.

As a mother and a wife, birthdays have gotten much better. My kids never forget my birthday, though Chef has forgotten once or twice, but quickly made up for it. I don’t always get a gift, but it isn’t because no one could be bothered. Gifts don’t matter much to any of us.

But without fail, even with my own little family remembering and celebrating for years now, I’ve always waited to hear from my mom, my dad, or any of my brothers or sisters.

My mom has always forgotten my birthday for at least one day. Always. My dad, who had been missing most of my life, has never forgotten my birthday, but could usually not find me to tell me he was glad I had been born. When he had a way to call me, he always has. I know my dad loves me.

I’ve heard from my sisters on a few occasions (once or twice) over the span of 20+ years, and never from either of my brothers. And always, by the end of the day, I feel sad all over again that most of my childhood family cares so little about me, or even each other. We are all so very broken by that life, we can’t even turn to one another for comfort and encouragement in these new, better lives we’ve made for ourselves.

Almost a decade ago, Chef and I moved here to Tulsa from Texas, and we did something that we normally never did. We started to make friends. We started letting people into our lives. It was very unfamiliar to me, but Chef had missed having friends to hang out with, and I soon began to enjoy the interactions as well. And birthdays suddenly became less of a Waiting For Disappointment days, and more of a day to enjoy the company of friends and family who did actually give a crap that I had been born.

A few years ago, my motorcycle club sisters threw me a surprise birthday party…I literally had no clue they even knew my birth date, much less would bother to get the word out to all the girls, without me finding out!,  and gather for my party from not only Tulsa, but some smaller towns further away.  I was so surprised, I wanted to burst into tears. I did tear up, and then I laughed for the next couple of hours. The whole time I kept thinking about the only other party I’d ever had, and how it had been a surprise party too.

Only this time, there was no mean step-grandmother to make me feel ugly or unattractive, taking pleasure from embarrassing me…

Although there was an actual bisexual at this motorcycle biker chick party, but I already knew what that term meant; I had long ago quit judging other people’s decisions for their own lives, so I didn’t care that a bisexual was at my party; I love that bisexual, because to me she isn’t defined by any one thing about herself — good, bad, or whatever; and she would never do something intentionally to hurt someone else just for fun. And best of all, I got to wear a sombrero, and I totally rocked it. :-)

So, while birthdays started out kind of disappointing for me, they’ve gotten a fresh makeover in my mind over the last few years, and to turn over a new leaf, I’m not going to play the waiting game on a family that forgot me, and each other decades ago. Instead, I’m going to enjoy the people that are in my life now, and that includes all of you — my internet friends.

I don’t know that I’ve ever had any group of people pray for me and my family like you all, and it is without hesitation that I can promise you all know more about my life than any of my extended family does. And yet, you keep coming back, encouraging me, crying when I cry and laughing when I laugh. I appreciate all of you, and will never be able to express how all the kindness has helped me.

I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart!!!

– Bird

 

PBOL Vickey still had a picture from my party…I’m not photogenic, but I think the sombrero works. Proceed at your own risk….  :-)

Why Should I Trust You Again? Then Again, Why Shouldn’t I?

Posted on by Standard 61
Aurora during a geomagnetic storm that was mos...

Aurora during a geomagnetic storm that was most likely caused by a coronal mass ejection from the Sun on 24 May 2010. Taken from the ISS. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Today, I had to deal with my own trust in the Lord. He has never let me down even once, and yet, faced with fears of losing, or even just changing, something I find priceless, I found myself still trying to control the situation. Again, He directed me to Job 38. To me, it is kind of God’s Resume…

Job 38

New International Version(NIV)

Lightning bolts hitting Atlanta skyscrapers

Lightning bolts hitting Atlanta skyscrapers (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The Lord Speaks

38 Then the Lord spoke to Job out of the storm. He said:

2 “Who is this that obscures my plans
with words without knowledge?
3 Brace yourself like a man;
I will question you,
and you shall answer me.

4 “Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation?
Tell me, if you understand.
5 Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know!
Who stretched a measuring line across it?
6 On what were its footings set,
or who laid its cornerstone —
7 while the morning stars sang together
and all the angels[a] shouted for joy?

8 “Who shut up the sea behind doors
when it burst forth from the womb,
9 when I made the clouds its garment

Black-chinned Hummingbird -- Moab, Utah, USA

Black-chinned Hummingbird -- Moab, Utah, USA (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

and wrapped it in thick darkness,
10 when I fixed limits for it
and set its doors and bars in place,
11 when I said, ‘This far you may come and no farther;

Pleiades (M45, Seven Sisters) open cluster - i...

Pleiades (M45, Seven Sisters) open cluster - infrared image from NASA's Spitzer Space Telescope (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

here is where your proud waves halt’?

12 “Have you ever given orders to the morning,
or shown the dawn its place,
13 that it might take the earth by the edges
and shake the wicked out of it?
14 The earth takes shape like clay under a seal;
its features stand out like those of a garment.
15 The wicked are denied their light,
and their upraised arm is broken.

16 “Have you journeyed to the springs of the sea
or walked in the recesses of the deep?
17 Have the gates of death been shown to you?
Have you seen the gates of the deepest darkness?
18 Have you comprehended the vast expanses of the earth?
Tell me, if you know all this.

19 “What is the way to the abode of light?
And where does darkness reside?
20 Can you take them to their places?
Do you know the paths to their dwellings?
21 Surely you know, for you were already born!
You have lived so many years!

22 “Have you entered the storehouses of the snow
or seen the storehouses of the hail,
23 which I reserve for times of trouble,
for days of war and battle?
24 What is the way to the place where the lightning is dispersed,

Job's Peak

Job's Peak (Photo credit: glenngould)

or the place where the east winds are scattered over the earth?
25 Who cuts a channel for the torrents of rain,
and a path for the thunderstorm,
26 to water a land where no one lives,
an uninhabited desert,
27 to satisfy a desolate wasteland
and make it sprout with grass?
28 Does the rain have a father?
Who fathers the drops of dew?
29 From whose womb comes the ice?
Who gives birth to the frost from the heavens
30 when the waters become hard as stone,
when the surface of the deep is frozen?

31 “Can you bind the chains[b] of the Pleiades?
Can you loosen Orion’s belt?
32 Can you bring forth the constellations in their seasons[c]
or lead out the Bear[d] with its cubs?
33 Do you know the laws of the heavens?
Can you set up God’s[e] dominion over the earth?

34 “Can you raise your voice to the clouds

The Earth seen from Apollo 17.

The Earth seen from Apollo 17. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

and cover yourself with a flood of water?
35 Do you send the lightning bolts on their way?
Do they report to you, ‘Here we are’?
36 Who gives the ibis wisdom[f]
or gives the rooster understanding?[g]
37 Who has the wisdom to count the clouds?
Who can tip over the water jars of the heavens
38 when the dust becomes hard
and the clods of earth stick together?

39 “Do you hunt the prey for the lioness
and satisfy the hunger of the lions
40 when they crouch in their dens
or lie in wait in a thicket?
41 Who provides food for the raven
when its young cry out to God
and wander about for lack of food?

My dad told me this story about when I was little:

“When you were little…about two or three, I’d say, I came home, and your mom was just tired. You’d talked her ears off all day. So, I said to myself, I’m just going to let her talk until she wears herself out. I said to you, ‘“Cathie, come here. We’re gonna talk.”’

A long time later, you were still going. I thought to myself, ‘” If I cover her mouth, her little rearend will blow right off.”’  Who knew I still wouldn’t be able to shut up, even today.

I’m sorry, Lord. You’re right. You have been the most trustworthy being in my entire life. I’m sorry that I am struggling with this doubt and fear. I will continue to trust that You know what is best for him, and for me. I will be quiet….even though my butt may blow off from the effort!!

– Catherine (Bird)

I’m A Casualty in my Husband’s War Against Time