Tag Archives: books

One Tired, Broken Brain Who Just Wants To Get Over All of This–Quickly.

Posted on by Standard 24
English: Managing emotions - Identifying feelings

English: Managing emotions – Identifying feelings (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In all honesty, I’m doing better emotionally about all of this separation stuff lately, but I occasionally run into bumpy times, and tonight is one of those. Earlier in the day, someone asked me about what was going on with Chef, and it served as a launching pad for some of the thoughts I’ve been keeping at bay to resurface. I imagine I’ve mentioned before that I don’t deal with dramatic emotions very well. My stomach turns to knots, and I flounder about in my head trying to find something to take my mind off of painful or intense emotions and back into the controllable bay of my thoughts. The hyper-vigilance kicks in, and I start working on the problem without realizing that I’m falling back into the bad habit of trying to fix this marriage…again! And yet, I don’t want that guy back, so I confuse myself. What fresh hell is this, Oh Broken Brain???!!!

This evening, I just seemed to be unsuccessful at switching channels in my brain. Even prayer didn’t ease it, and I get the feeling I need to address some of this; I can’t hide from it forever, and for me to heal, the wounds need to be scrubbed out…which is always painful no matter what.

Because I found myself alone in the hotel room tonight, I tried to examine why I was so easily launched back into some pain by a casual question about Chef— not the horrible pain like in the beginning– but still enough to really make my stomach hurt. I’ve been doing so well, why is this one vague mention of him causing me to stress out about all of this all over again?

Being me, I decided…if this broken brain has to work on the problem, I’d like to set the goal on something that I actually want, not something the broken part of me seems to need. The goal is …I have no earthly  idea. I know it can’t be a reconciliation. I don’t really even like the man he has become. There is nothing there left to admire. But deep down, I keep wondering if the Old Chef will resurface one day, and I will have given up too soon, and have lost the chance to have him back again. At the same time, though, I am afraid of him, so I don’t want him around me. Does anyone else go through this kind of insanity in their minds? It is giving me a headache.

I’m no fool. I know that it can never work out, and after the last conversation with him, which was just plain evil, I’m even more determined to change that behavior in myself that seems to attract these kinds of men.

I don’t so much miss Chef anymore; instead, I think I grieve for the comfortable stability of the life I had created with him as opposed to a future that I have no idea what is going to look like. Yes. I’m optimistic that everything will work out fine. How could I not? At the end of my life, I will be stepping into something infinitely better, and all this will be just another thing. But, it seems always so uncertain, and I’ve never felt this way before. When I was younger, I would just Forest Gump my way through, always believing that whatever I was doing could be fixed later if it was wrong, but I don’t think that way anymore, and it makes me feel a bit handicapped.

I know I’m grieving for the old Chef and my old life, even as dysfunctional as they might have been. He was responsible, dedicated to giving us a good home, made me laugh, and most of all, I believed him when he said he loved me, and we would grow old together, watching our grandchildren play.

I miss trusting someone, and I can feel those old walls going back up that make me isolate myself from people, especially men. I miss the trust. I can barely look any man in the eye anymore, and that makes me feel even worse. I actually went on a blind date with a guy, and I couldn’t even tell you what color eyes he had. I fled quickly, making an excuse. I can’t jump back in like that…it’s too soon, and any future man would have to overcome obstacles that these scars are causing me. Frankly, I don’t think a lot of men are going to up for the task. :-(

I keep reminding myself that I’ve been with this same man my whole entire adult life, and it is going to take longer than a couple of months to get over it completely, but I still have this tiny fear in me that I will never love anyone ever again like I loved Chef. And frankly, that blows. I loved being a wife, friend, mother, and confidant. But, even if I could “lure” him back, I would feel even worse if successful than this because everything would be a big question. The trust is annihilated. If he was a few minutes late from work, I’d be freaked that he was either scoring drugs or cheating on me. I would wonder what he was up to while I was at work. He has never been able to forgive and forget, so this last painful year would be a subject we’d have to relive over and over every time I freaked out about something that reminded me of it, or when he just happened to be displeased with me. There’s just been too much hurt on both sides to even think this can be redeemed.

And then I went down this fun road. What if  it is just my ego that wants him to want me back just so I can have the fleshly satisfaction of dumping him on his butt the way he did me? I’m hoping that isn’t it. I’m always running this Public Relations campaign in my head and heart for him. Or what if I just want T to have a tiny taste of what pain she has caused me? I fight against those kinds of  motives and thoughts all the time, but only God truly knows what our real motivations are. We are all good at rationalizing our behaviors, and burying our real intent down deep.

I don’t really know what the point of this whole post is. I guess I just wanted to sort out some of my thoughts. Sitting around, being haunted by the memories of all his sweet promises and all the times I cracked up at something he said or did; then, wondering if he’s making the same promises to T, and making her laugh the way he once made me laugh,  is destructive and I figured trying to write what I’m feeling would take some of the sting out of it. And, I must admit, it kind of does. I feel a little more peaceful at the moment.

Also, I would like the Lord to note: I haven’t actually prayed for patience…lol. I know how that works!!

Good Night!

– Bird

Just A Little Update

Posted on by Standard 31

I’ve always been a big believer in the saying that laughter is the best medicine. I have no idea what physically goes on in our

Would you ever swim here again? I mean, it is only prohibited AT THIS TIME…That indicates to me that diarrhea in the pool, at some point. was a big enough problem that they had to get a sign made!!

brains when we laugh, but I’ve had enough of it in my life to know that I need it as much as I need the air to breathe. So, when problems kick me in the stomach so hard I can barely stand the pain, it is hard to believe I’ll ever laugh again, much less just feel happy about life in general. I’m guessing that is probably a common reaction to painful stuff, but in my case, not a probable outcome. It would seem I’m more of an optimist than I ever thought I was inclined to be.

I figured that I’d be this little wad of sadness for a while. It wasn’t something I wanted, but I am not a very good pretender and I’m rather transparent no matter how hard I try not to be, especially in person. Even worse than that, I seemed only able to talk about this mess lately and nothing else, even though I desperately wanted myself to not be “that person”. But, like a poison, it was being vomited up and out, like a verbal diarrhea, much to my eternal dismay. They don’t make Immodium for verbal diarrhea.  :-(  Talk about a lesson in humility! So, I was resigned to the fact…I was probably going to be a bummer to be around for a while, and hopefully, not too many people would need to be exposed to me until the crap in my soul was finally purged.

It took 1 1/2 days of working for me to start feeling more like my old self, and less like this little skinny woman radiating grief to anyone with 10 feet of her. In fact, today, I felt a tiny bit guilty because I’m obviously feeling better than the Other Half of this problem. I like the fact that I seem to be healing up quick enough to not run off all my friends…at least not permanently, I hope.

I thought I would give a little update to the many of you that have been travelling with me through this whole painful process. I appreciate all the encouragement and empathy that has been shown to me, as well as the many stories that people have shared with me about their own journeys through this kind of heartbreak. Sometimes, it is just good to know that someone else understands exactly how you feel.

Just so you all know, I’m doing pretty good right now, probably thanks to all the prayers that flooded heaven for me and Chef. Working now, I don’t have time to write like I was before, but don’t take my slowing down as a sign of anything bad. I’ve laughed a few times today. For instance, look at the tags on this post…I went ahead and used all of the tags that WordPress suggested. Why “Anno Domini”, “public nuisance“, or my favorite, “Mumbai“??? From now on, I’m going to “Apply All” every tag it suggests on every post I write because that makes me laugh….Just so you ever wonder how I come up with such obviously not-related-to-this-post-in-any-way tags, you’ll know…   :-)

– Bird

 

Even A Blind Squirrel Finds A Nut Once In Awhile

Posted on by Standard 108

My daughter Rebekkah recently wrote a post entitled An Answer For Everybody which was her response to all the differing opinions offered up to my post An Answer For Arkenaten. Since she has graciously allowed me to borrow her laptop since mine died a truly horrible death, I have been reading the comments to her post to her over the phone.

The battle of comments rages on even now over these two posts, and tonight Arkenaten wrote the following:

“Reborn Christians are some of the most uneducated of the Christians sects, having little or no true understanding of the history of their faith or the bible, and are even less inclined to ask pertinent questions.”

Now, on the one hand, I find this statement to be merely an opinion thrown out to insult the person he was debating with. But, when I read what Ark had written to Rebekkah, her response was, ” That’s true.” I was very taken aback when she said that, chastising her a bit for her seeming callousness. But when she explained why she felt this was a fair statement, I had to reluctantly admit that she was right. But not before I snarked back a little. I hate all-encompassing stereotypes. I really do. I did mention I am the Queen of the Knee-Jerk Reaction, remember?

I don’t agree that Arkenaten has thrown out this tidbit out of any real knowledge or wisdom, but like we Southerners like to say, even a blind squirrel finds a nut once in a while. So at last, he finally gave me something to think about.

One of Rebekkah’s points that I couldn’t argue with is the severe lack of knowledge of what the Bible says and where it says it. A few years ago, Chef was working at a restaurant in a corporate park, and some of the people who would frequent this place were students of the Rhema Bible College, located here in Tulsa.

Now, I absolutely do not want to insult any Christians. I merely want to get people to ask themselves if they truthfully know why they believe what they believe. If this message doesn’t pertain to you, please disregard it. Not everyone falls into this category. I speak only to those who tend to rely on other people — teachers, preachers, friends, parents, books.. — but have not studied the Word of God for themselves. With so much in print, both in books and on-line, added to televised media, we are inundated by information. But all of that information needs to be secondary…The Bible needs to be the First and Last Word on everything.

I had numerous conversations with people in that restaurant, and many of them were with people attending the Bible school. And while they seemed ready to hit me with some form of “Shock and Awe” theories designed to impress with dry quotes of philosophers and some real twisting of random verses, they seemed woefully lacking in the basics of the Bible. For instance, I have been instructed in detail how we were already living in Jesus’s 1000 year reign, but that same person couldn’t tell me why he believed this. He quoted professors, and offered up some random bible-sounding stuff, but when I inquired about where these verses were in the Bible, he said he would get back with me. I never saw him again. One woman tried to tell me that Mary was not a virgin, and went into a long diatribe about her theories on that little tidbit. That one made me sad, because you simply can’t cherry-pick what you want from the Bible and then throw the rest out. There seems to be a real wave of Cherry-Picking theologians coming out of Tulsa right now, and I find this really, really disturbing. But doesn’t the Word say in Hosea 4:6:

“My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge…”

Knowledge of what that Bible says is paramount to our walk with the Lord. A person who truly knows why they believe the way they do is not easily shaken from their beliefs. And satan is a worthy enemy. He knows how to attack us in our weakest points. By knowing the Word of God, we close down a lot of his abilities to attack us using our own minds; hence, the Word of the Lord is how we are able to carry our Sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God. Ephesians 6:17.

Over the years, I’ve had many, many conversations with many, many Christians, and I would have to say that it is only a small amount of them that seem to have a firm grasp on what they believe and why they believe it, with scriptural references to back their beliefs up.

There are many excellent teachers of the scripture, both in the real world and here in Blogosphere. But as Romans 9 instructs us to do, we should study to show ourselves approved. An unbeliever should never know more about that Bible than a Christian does, unless a Christian is just starting out. But for those of us who have been followers for years, the Bible should be written on our hearts, a quiver of spiritual arrows, ready for any surprise attack satan would launch at us.

I don’t necessarily agree that Christians are the most uneducated, or that we don’t as a whole, ask pertinent questions, or know our faith’s history. But I do believe that there is always room for improvement, and seeing that the days of the end are getting near, I would encourage all of us, me included, to brush up on our Biblical knowledge, or if necessary, begin anew to commit God’s words to your heart. I don’t mean to randomly memorize verses, but instead, read the Word of God as a whole, so that the Holy Spirit will be able to bring to remembrance His instructions to us when we are really in need of it.

Tonight, when I read 2 Timothy 2, I also found these verses, and they seemed a clear instruction to me on how to handle the many, many debates raging on those two posts on my site:

14 Remind them of these things, and solemnly charge them in the presence of God not to wrangle about words, which is useless and leads to the ruin of the hearers.

15 Be diligent to present yourself approved to God as a workman who does not need to be ashamed, accurately handling the word of truth.

16 But avoid worldly and empty chatter, for it will lead to further ungodliness,

17 and their talk will spread like gangrene. Among them are Hymenaeus and Philetus,

18 men who have gone astray from the truth saying that the resurrection has already taken place, and they upset the faith of some.

19 Nevertheless, the firm foundation of God stands, having this seal, “The Lord knows those who are His,” and, “Everyone who names the name of the Lord is to abstain from wickedness.”

That tells me that these sorts of conversations are not useful for me, and I am fine with leaving them to other people.

I hope you all have a peaceful evening!

– Bird

 

Sympathy, Understanding, and Time

Posted on by Standard 36

I have to admit, I wish I’d given up fighting against Chef’s midlife crisis months ago. The peace of surrender has been holding for days now.

Chef never really reads much of what I write. He hasn’t ever been the kind of guy that reads a book or surfs the internet, and really, I haven’t thought too much about it. I’ve been careful to let him know I’ve written about him, and give him a brief run-down of what I said, but he’s had his mind on other things, and my little blog wasn’t high on his priority list.

The evening before last, though, he came home in an odd mood, and after some conversations about his day and mine, he asked to see what I had written that day about him. I pulled up A Marriage is Over  on his computer, and then left his office. When I checked on him a little while later, I could tell he’d been tearing up about something. I asked him if I’d written something he’d not liked, and he just shook his head and pointed to his screen.

This comment was on the screen:

Bird,
Chef and I appear to be around the same age, which got me thinking.
This was in my drafts.I too write down my thoughts to sort through them. I thought about how to make this a post but I’ve concluded it won’t see the light of day.
Maybe you can get some use out of it if Chef can relate to this at all.
It may help you understand him more,…or not.
Any how,…

To me, A MID-LIFE CRISIS is when I realise I have to give up some or all of my dreams because I don’t have enough time left to make them reality.

Time and circumstances beyond our control can dictate our outcome regardless of desire.

I now realize i am in trasition from a dreams based existance to one of mostly memories.

What I wished for never was and the reality of what is only reminds me of that all the more.

Don’t get me wrong! All my family, friends, job, each are blessings, but I had a few dreams for life that I reserved under the file name,”maybe someday”, and now I know they need to be filed under,”Not Likely.”

One consolation is that I still have the here and now.

Blogging about Jesus helps tremendously, but I can’t put as much time in writing well as I want to.
I admit that I feel some shame at ignoring the present. After all, the present has never forsaken me, though the future, as I have dreamt it could be, seems long gone.
I suppose the grief I feel in a mid life crisis is similar to that of the loss of a loved one, only I’m the loved one.

So I feel some measure of shame too. That makes it hard to talk about it.

As with any loss, silence with sympathy, understanding and time, may give the best hope to heal all wounds.

C.C.T.

The writer at Christ Centered Teaching had written this letter on my post, A Pictorial Guide to Bird’s Latest Crisis, and I’d been waiting to show Chef what he had written until I thought he’d actually want to read it. With Chef, I have to choose my timing…sometimes he appreciates me giving him information, and other times, my thirst for knowledge simply irritates him. After reams of paper lost on my research into midlife crisises over the last few months, I no longer offer up answers to unasked questions. But what really struck me to the core was what CCT wrote for me — sympathy, understanding, and time, all done silently. Basically, all the things God wanted me to do all along.

Ironically, it took another man who had experience with this dilemma to write a comment on a joke-post of mine that Chef accidentally found while scoping my site for the first time ever, to actually reach Chef’s heart. I am so appreciative for that comment right now…for Chef, but for me as well. Sympathy and time don’t seem to be what I struggle with. My real struggle has been to understand.

I have always tried to understand a problem from Chef’s point of view, and I find myself frustrated by this emotional upheaval he is having because I simply can not get a grasp on it. To me, problems have always been things to break down to their simplest forms and to be attacked at their weakest link.

With this midlife thing though, I am coming to understand that my spiritual nature from the Lord simply won’t understand how to hold on to things of this life, but instead I view myself as an alien in a strange world, and I deeply long for the day that I go home to heaven. Where the breakdown occurs with Chef and me  is our varying levels of spiritual maturity and faith. My faith, while always constantly being tested, really isn’t shakable at all, while his is still being questioned in his own head. He has an infant faith. And since I am unable, and unwilling, to love this life more than I should, the only logical thing to me was to get him to move into a closer relationship with the Lord, which would change his outlook on life in general from an earthly viewpoint to a more heavenly perspective.

I really am a lofty dreamer, aren’t I? What a dork I am!!

It is really much clearer to me today why God wanted me to stay out of it. All the reasons I came up with before are true. I’m thinking, though, that God didn’t want me to keep beating Chef up with spiritual meat that he simply wouldn’t be able to chew. He’d only choke on it.

By embracing faith through me, his faith would never hold up against even a tiny attack from satan. God has to establish his own truths to Chef directly. In essence, I’m not any better a solid cornerstone for Chef’s life than he was as a cornerstone for mine.

Our shaky little shanty of a marriage we had built all these years on the shifting sands of manipulation, control, self-deception, and misaligned priorities has truly been swept away, and already we are both seeing the signs of new construction on the site. For a few brief hours, there was an actual excitement and hope in our future, and it was enough to feed me for a really long while.

Thanks, CCT, for sharing your perspective with Chef and me, and I thank Jesus that the work is going to come back to Him completed…

– Bird

 

 

Writing A Devotional

Posted on by Standard Respond

First, let me say that I don’t read devotionals much at all. And definitely not on a regular basis. My reasons aren’t because devotionals aren’t wonderful. I just don’t like to commit to doing anything on a daily basis. For instance, I don’t take medication as directed. I refuse prescriptions that “have to build up in my system” because I know…it’ll take years. My doctor is appalled at the narrow set of guidelines I give him to work with.

My husband knows that he can’t go wrong giving me a “God” gift. It is his “go-to” present when he can’t think of anything else to buy me. Hence, I have tons of knick-knacks that have crosses or scripture on them. I own 4 posters that he found at a flea market with odd “Jesus” pictures on them. They aren’t things I would normally buy for myself, but the motive was sweet, so I store them with all the other “God” stuff he gets me.

As I sit here amidst piles and piles of devotionals, self-help books, a few fantasy books, a romance novel, and several Erma Bombeck classics, it occurs to me that I should write a devotional aimed at the other commitment phobic Christians out there. I would only have entries for a few days a month. I’d have a reminder at the bottom of each of these for the reader to set their cell phone schedule to remind them of the next entry. I’d have several pages left blank so that the reader could write in more suitable entries for themselves. I’d also put lots of pictures because sometimes I don’t want to hear what the writer has to say…a pretty picture would mean so much more.

God bless the people who whip out their devotional each morning over coffee and set up a plan for their day. I have nothing but admiration and respect for you. Other than the Bible, I just don’t have the life structure to “build” up the devotionals in my system.

I’m going to look on Amazon and see if I can find a less stringent devotional…..:-). If I can’t find one, maybe I’ll write one myself!

– Cathie