In deference to my earlier post, and to emphasize how unstable our relationship has truly become, I’m posting this little tidbit of conversation. Let’s call it a little fly-on-the-wall peek at how things usually go when Chef and I have to be around each other longer than an hour or if the stars aren’t aligned just so.
Hungry, we’re deciding what we’ll have for dinner:
Chef: Church’s Fried Chicken is having a special on their 15 piece chicken meal. We ought to get some tonight.
Bird: Sounds okay to me. Wait. How do you know they’re having a special? You don’t have cable, you don’t get the newspaper…. Wait a minute!! Isn’t Church’s her favorite place to eat? You’ve been calling her, haven’t you. Or she’s been calling you, right? Don’t think you can be all technical with the truth with me, Chef! I’m listening to you very carefully. Why are feeling all nostalgic for your girlfriend all of a sudden, you p****? I knew it! I knew you’d be cheating on me again first chance you got. You lying … (Yeah, let’s stop there. You get the jist..)
Chef: No! I get a couple of channels on the tv. I saw it on tv! She hasn’t been here at all. I swear!! We haven’t talked!! Church’s isn’t her favorite place to eat! She likes The Olive Gar…
Bird: (very, very softly and coldly) You remember where her favorite place to eat is, but you can’t remember my freakin’ birthday?? (Incidentally, he did only once in all of our 22 years together actually forget my birthday, and of which I’ve never brought up in a fight until now. It was the nuclear warhead I’d been saving for just such an occasion as this little nugget of insanity!!)
Chef (slow to think, quick to speak):…den. ……..S***.
Bird: (Sitting silently trying to make his head explode with just my mind and then very graphically cursing when my mind proved nonlethal and somewhat confused by me itself.)
Chef: You know what I mean, Bird. Why are getting all bent out of shape. She’s gone. She’s out of my life now, so I’m all yours now.
Bird: Gee, where do I send her the thank-you card? I love being a back-up plan. And I’m sick of how you talk about her all the time! Why does EVERY conversation always end up about her? I’ve had it. I’m going home, #$%@#$%!!!
Chef (trying to just keep up with me): …I just wanted some chicken…but.. just..save so money…no, please…I….Bird!
Note: I know I sound like a complete moron.
Another Note: In some circumstances, I am a complete fruit-loop. This was one of them.
Last Note: I hate Church’s Chicken.