Tag Archives: Emotion

A Long Way To Letting Go

Posted on by Standard 25

Being alone so much, I have a lot of time to think. In the beginning of this disaster, that wasn’t such a good thing. But lately, without the clouds of so much painful, angry emotions, I find a lot of time to look back and learn from this whole process. One thing that I think about a lot lately is how much this has changed me. At first, I wanted to believe that one day I’d go back to normal…be the same person I was before. But as time marches on, I’m thinking that you can’t unlearn what you already know. And the truth is, I know too much. I know that words are no good without actions behind them to back them up. I know that anyone is capable of betraying those they love, and that we are all experts at deceiving ourselves into believing whatever we want. I’ve learned that you can’t un-break a heart, or take back angry words, or rewrite the past. What is done is done. You can only go forward.

I’ve been told by a lot of people now that there is something different about me. Most of the time, they can’t seem to put their finger on it, but deep inside, I know what it is. I have an edge to me that wasn’t there before. I’ve noticed that I’m walking a fine line between forgiveness, anger, and bitterness. I don’t want to be a bitter person, but I have to admit, I’m a rather angry one at the moment. I do believe that God is working on me, and His Will will come to pass in me. But at the moment, I fight hourly with the urge to throw something across the room, normally seconds after hearing from Chef. And yet, that anger seems to creep up on me, and I don’t sense it beneath the surface like I did so much over the last year. Which, to me, is the worst kind of anger. As days go by, though, I’m careful to not allow myself to dwell in that state of mind long, and I’m getting better at controlling my emotions. But I have to admit…it is really exhausting.

Today hasn’t been bad at all. Even things that would normally trigger that sadness or anger haven’t been able to pierce my good mood, and as I sit here writing, I’m listening to the traffic going down my street and the voices of my neighbors as they call out to each other, and I’m peaceful. Really, really peaceful. I’m content and happy right at this moment.

I found this song that is just beautiful by Maria Hines, and I loved the lyrics so I thought I’d share them with you. You should pull up her video on YouTube. I think you’ll like it. Thank you for all your kind remarks and comments. And thank you for your prayers and advice. I know you are all right..There is no reconciliation for me right now. I’m learning who I am now, and it wouldn’t be fair to anyone to try to be in a relationship just yet. Even with Chef. I’m no fool. :-)

A Long Way To Letting Go

Funny how the little things

Can stake a claim in memory

And cheat time to last a hundred years
I swore that I’d be strong enough

To drop my heart and pick it up

And make the great escape without a tear
I’m So naive…
And I hold my breath a little too long

And you were quick to carry on

And I’m learning in the afterglow

It’s a long way……

A long way to letting go
Waiting on eventually

Where you’ll become my history

And I’ll begin to rebuild the wall

I’ll forget to mention you

And wish that you were lonely too

And never ache, missing your call
I’m so naive
And I hold my breath a little too long

And you were quick to carry on

And I’m learning in the afterglow

It’s a long way……

A long way to letting go
Was looking easier ideally

And I falter at my hesitation’s end

Close my eyes as I begin the countdown,

Reach for breath, I’m counting down

But I hesitate at ten.

And I hold my breath a little too long

And you were quick to carry on

And I’m learning in the afterglow

It’s a long way…..A long way to letting go
Read more: MARIE HINES – LONG WAY TO LETTING GO LYRICS

All We Need Is Love….And Maybe Prozac

Posted on by Standard 36

Ever since Chef launched into Full Throttle Insanity Mode in this midlife crisis thing, I’ve noticed that I don’t spend much time on Facebook anymore. I have 212 “friends”, and it seems that they are all having a better time in life right now than I am.

While I’ll spill my shameless secrets here on my website, I have very rarely written much about my life on this social network. It just always seemed like more information than people would want or need to have.

Now, no one can ever accuse me of being a romantic. I don’t know why, but even in the best moments of my relationship, I still have never been sappy about love. I never thought “All we need is love…” Oh, I don’t think so! Love don’t pay the bills, and it don’t put food in a hungry tummy. Believe it or not, in my marriage, Chef is the actual romantic. I’ve always been the practical voice in this partnership. (He’s going to love that I shared that with you all..)   :-)

Today, because I’m feeling kind of annoyed and agitated, with a tad bit of nostalgia for the good old days of sanity thrown in, and very head-achy, I headed over to Facebook to see what my peoples have been up to lately.

And then, like a bolt of lightning hitting me square in my achy brain, I remembered why I haven’t been hanging out on Facebook lately:

Wanna bet? How old is your husband?

I was right to stay away from Facebook in my present state of mind.

Attacking young newlyweds all flushed with new love  with gloomy realities of just what a pain in the butt love can turn out to be is not something people thank you for..It is too much honesty.

Starting tomorrow, no Facebook without Prozac.

:-)

– Bird

What the H…, Lord?!

Posted on by Standard 36

I had no plans to write today.

I’ve had two very hard nights and days, and I feel worn-out, grief-stricken, guilty, and a ton of other really difficult emotions for me to process. I have cried, ignored God, hid from Him, repented, forgave, and cried again. And then it would start all over again. What I haven’t been able to do is laugh or sleep. Bad combo for me.

Finally, I really prayed this morning. Well, actually, it wasn’t even much of a prayer, if you compare it with most

Sebastian.

of the ones I read on the Blogsphere. It was more of a nebulous, “What the Hell, Lord?!”. Frankly, those are the prayers that He actually waits for me to pray. I think He gives me time to process, flip out, and then go running to Him for real help, not pity. He and I have a pattern..

I have dealt with some pretty horrific things happening to me in my life, and the ensuing emotional damage has helped introduce even more horrific behaviors to get over, and the cycle went on like that for quite a while before I decided to get off this psycho ride. And through a lifetime of studying myself to understand why I do what I do, I have been able to stay pretty focused on protecting myself from trigger situations.

But sometimes, no matter how careful you are, or how well you thought you knew yourself, satan just lines up the perfect combination to launch you back into hell. Lucky for me, I’ve got the road map back out of this emotional location…It’s a familiar spot for me. Still, it is hot down here, and sometimes it is a really lonely stretch of highway getting back…and it always begins with one Big Incident…

So, the incident that set off my most recent sorrow? I’ll tell you..

I’m one of those ridiculous people who adores her pets like my own children. When I was struggling with Empty Nest Syndrome last year, I was given Milo and Sebastian, two baby kittens to mother on. I’ve blogged about them..twice. The night before last, Sebastian figured a way out of my house through a dryer hose, and I haven’t been able to find him since. I’m pretty sure I will never know what happened to him…and that is so awful to me. My heart is broken…I’ve looked and looked, called and called…he’s simply just gone..

It seems so illogical to me that I would feel this kind of pain over a pet, but I have transferred all that nurturing stuff that I loved doing so much with my kids, to these little cats, and poof! like that, one is now gone. Suddenly, my husband, who is struggling with his own crap (mid-life crisis), picks my emotions to trigger his, and that didn’t end all that happily. There are other things, but who doesn’t have stuff come up in two decade old marriages? Still, I am a bit tired at the moment…and frankly, so is he.

Add to all of that is my fears concerning what is happening in each of my kids lives, the ages and health of my two very elderly dogs, and the general day-to-day struggles with finances, etc., and I am just overwhelmed.

I honestly don’t know what other people do in emotional crisis modes, but I hide. I can hide emotionally with the best of them. I am a professional Hider. Thus, I systematically began shutting down systems yesterday, and the process continued until my What the hell, Lord! prayer this morning.

And I thought, Okay. Change what you’d normally do. You know how this works, Bird…It’s old hat for you by now…

So, hence this long, random, weird entry on my site about some random cat and roads to hell.. ..

Now, It is time for me to get a grip…

See you tomorrow…

Bird