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Quick Word from Bird

Posted on by Standard 15

I don’t have time today to write one of my epic, wordy posts. I’ve been working on one, but alas! It isn’t ready, and I don’t want to post anything from the hip. I tend to think I jinx things when I write about them, and things seem to be going really well. I’m making no sudden movements. I don’t want Fate noticing me right now!!

I plan to finish up the other post this evening, but I thought I’d answer a few of the emails/comments/texts I received this last week. sadness

Yes. I’m still alive and kicking.

Yes. Chef’s girlfriend dumped him.

Chef blames her.

She blames Chef.

She doesn’t blame me, but knows I was the problem.

Chef blames me, but is glad I was the problem.

I remain unconvinced anyone knows anything anymore.

Chef & I are going to go to marriage counseling, starting next week.

It was Chef’s idea, but I figure what can it hurt?

I have a sneaking suspicion it might just be too late for me to ever go back to this marriage.

Ok. I think that’s about it for now. I don’t want to tip my hand just yet! Talk to you guys tonight!!

– Bird

 

One Map With The Directions Through Hell

Posted on by Standard 14

Ok.

So, now that my life has a routine, and I’ve pretty much said about all I can possibly say about the last crappy year, crappy drugs,

lol...It was through the destruction of one that I really SHINED!!

lol…It was through the destruction of one that I really SHINED!!

crappy marriage, and exposed my heartbreak for months on this blog, to the point of even losing some followers, I’m finding it harder to come up with things to write about. I’m happy and sad about this. Sad,  because I love to write on this blog, but I don’t know what to say now that I’m healing up nicely. The up side though, is that I’m happy, and while I’ll get a pang here or there, I’ve gotten more control over what I will actually allow myself to dwell on. I don’t kid myself into thinking it’ll be smooth sailing here on out, but the storms don’t take my breath away anymore. I re-blogged my letter to Chef so I could add it to my blog. I actually told the guy that I wanted to remain anonymous, but he might have misunderstood…lol. Still, when I re-read the letter, I knew I wanted it on my blog as part of the record of this whole painful process. So, no. I’m not feeling sad and nostalgic. I’m feeling like I want my writings all in this one place.

One of my friends on here, Paula,  encouraged me to re-read an old post I wrote when I was in the thick of the pain, and I have to admit, that was a hard read. It’s even hard to re-read my words prior to my soul-baring posts. I knew what was going on in my home even if I wasn’t writing about it. I have to admit there are a lot of things I’ve written on this blog that I may never read again. Maybe eventually I’ll go to the beginning and read them, but for now, I’m liking the peaceful feeling I have. The healing is going fine, but I’m not ready to walk through those corridors of my mind right now. I literally was an emotional mess.

One thing that I am thankful for though, is that I kept this kind of on-line journal through the worst part of it. I am so glad that time tends to soften the memories that tear us apart; often, it even allows us to forget some of them all together. How would anyone ever heal from anything if the memories stayed fresh and powerful? We need that forgetfulness to heal.

However, there is also a down-side to being able to forget, and I’m absolutely gifted at blocking out (eventually) what I don’t want to remember. I now know a lot more about who I am as an individual, but that doesn’t mean that I’ve actually achieved some kind of change for the better. I’m obviously a codependent person. I’m a control freak. I’m attracted to people who aren’t good for me. Well, I say that, but I’ve been married twice, and I don’t really know for sure I actually have a “type” of guy. I’ve spent my whole adult life married, so there isn’t a large amount of data for me to collect from, if you get my drift. But, I have learned to pay more attention, and spend less time excusing, what the people I love do. I wasn’t helping…I was hurting. I’ve learned that even when I didn’t even want to live anymore, I never gave up on God. I may be an appalling Christian, but I remained one. :-)

I will eventually re-read a lot of the painful posts because I don’t want these lessons to sink comfortably to the back of my mind. I don’t want to repeat history. I would like to learn these lessons once and for all so that there is no need for it to be addressed in my life again.

Most of all, someday I will be completely healed and over all of this mess, and I want to see the differences in how I thought before all of this, and my perspective after it was finally over and done with.

Hopefully, I’ve made at least one person out there not feel like the only person on earth going through hell. I received a lot of encouragement, peace, chastising, and prayers from people I’ve never even met. I think God was just saving my life when He planted the idea in my head that a blog would be fun. It really was a rather random thing for me to just decide to do.

Yet, it turned out to be crucial to this whole journey. So, thank you all, even the ones that dropped me when I couldn’t laugh for a while. I learned way more from you guys than you will ever know. And now I have this kind of map that I can look back on that shows how I navigated a hellish part of my life. Hopefully, I’ll never have to take this route again…ever. :-)

Love you,

Bird

 

 

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Now For Some Real Excitement…

Posted on by Standard 15

 

Sorry I have missed a few days of posting, but life has settled into a little routine for me now, and without all the drama to talk about, sometimes it is hard to know what to

Please note: Fish net stockings, short skirt, and a NY accent. :-)

write that would be interesting for you guys.

Today, I want to talk about living in a hotel. Of course, everyone knows I want my own home, and happily, I will be leaving the hotel soon. I found a place to stay that is safe, clean, and most importantly, unknown to anyone but me and my closest friends! :-)

But yesterday, I felt a little sad about leaving my hotel home. I’ve made friends with a lot of the staff here, and it will feel odd not to see them every day. Plus, they make me breakfast every morning…lol! They call it a continental breakfast, but I have a feeling they prepare it just for me. I guess I’ll have to go back to making my own coffee every morning. Bummer.

Last night, I went to the stockyards and watched a horse sale. I’ve always been interested in the cowboy culture and it was pretty fun to watch the horses. I kind of want a horse, but I know they are expensive, so that is just one of the things I’m going to add to my bucket list that Ivonne has talked me into creating.

As I was coming back in, one of the employees at the hotel who we will call Kayla, motioned me over and told me that 4 police officers with bullet proof vests on had gone upstairs to my floor and to call her and tell her what was going on. I hurried upstairs, hoping they weren’t here for me..  :-) … and as I stepped off the elevator, there was no one in sight.  So, I called Kayla to tell her nothing was going on that I could see.

Later, she came upstairs to my room, and told me the whole story. Turns out, the room right next door was being used for prostitution!! Talk about being unaware of your

Probably not a hooker, but can we really tell anymore? This picture makes me never want to run into this woman in a dark alley.

surroundings! I had no clue! I would just say good morning to the lady that would come out and get coffee each morning! I guess I figured prostitutes only wear fish net stockings and bodice blouses, smack gum, and all talk with a New York accent. LOL!

The hotel I’m staying at is one of most reputable places in town, and of course, don’t condone these kinds of activities in their establishment. But if the prostitutes in Tulsa are going to wear normal clothes and have the same southern accents all the rest of us do, they are going to be fighting a losing battle!!

Ya’ll have a good day, now, ya hear? LOL!!!! (Proof that I’m not a hooker.)

- Catherine

 

Ripples in A Body of Water

Posted on by Standard 26
Ripples

Ripples (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This morning, because I was basically choking to death due to the flu, I decided to give up trying to sleep and pulled up my computer. It was 4:30am  in the morning, and I was greeted with Caitlyn’s masterpiece – Peeing in the Pool. It was a timely moment for me to read that because I’d been bombarded with the phrase “You don’t know the whole story” for days now, from people who have begun to pool around Chef. Evidently, Chef has a different version of what has happened, and it seems to resonate some kind of logic with a few of these people. I, of course, don’t know what that story is. I will say, however, that there is always two sides to a story, and of course, Chef is entitled to see things from the prism of his own life. I don’t begrudge him his side. However, after talking to Caitlyn a bit, she mentioned that even though he was a schmuck, she was going to keep talking to him. I expected nothing less. Caitlyn has always been a Daddy’s girl, and it would cause her tremendous pain to have to cut him out of her life. But, somewhere in the back of my mind, I wondered if this had something to do with this “Other Side of the Story”. I told her that was fine, of course. He is her dad.

This  morning, I was greeted with her story, and I have to say that I laughed and laughed and laughed. No one can tell a story like Caitie Bug. Then, because Bekkie was dealing with some painful things with her friend Emily, who has begun dating a member of The Other Side, she was inspired to write her contribution. And then my heart-broken son, DJ,  wanted to say his bit. And in one day, my children laid out their hearts on this matter.

As a wife, this has been horrifying. As a mother, this has been shaming and disappointing. But as a Christian, I am one pretty proud mama right now. I feel like the Lord has fashioned my children into arrows that can wound the adversary, Satan, and so I must say, this day is ending on a good note.

To My Children: I’m sorry all of this has cost you so much as well. But I love you, and I am so proud and honored to be your mother. I love each of you with all of my heart. Love, Mom

– Catherine

Peeing in the Pool – Buggers

Posted on by Standard 18

 

As strange as it may seem, this home-life drama seems like a bunch of children in the pool.

Dad peed in that nice, cool, comfortable pool right next to mom. None of the other kids were sure who did it and both parties deny that it was themselves. So the kids in the pool take sides. Ugly names like ‘Liar’ are thrown around. Feelings get hurt. And then Scut Farkus decides that he doesn’t want to play with who he thinks it was. Because he’s the cool kid, his friends stop hanging out with her.  BUT WAIT, Dad peed in the pool again. So now, Scut knows he messed up and stops playing with Dad too. As usual, the sheep follow their shepherd.

Now Mom and Dad have no one to play with. Image

That isn’t Mom’s fault. She was an innocent bystander, but she still got shunned. So instead of crying about it, she went and made new friends with the people who were on her side during the ‘pool pee’ scare. This makes Scut Farkus mad when he sees other kids are still playing with her and decides that they are all losers and starts making fun of them.

Well, Mom doesn’t want anyone who was nice to her to get bullied so she stood up to him. She verbally pummeled Scut Farkus. And now he is licking his wounds with all the cool kids telling them what a meanie she is. The situation is childish. And though the circumstances are much more serious than this story leads you to believe, its basically the same.

I don’t think anyone should care if they get kicked out of a group. If they don’t see you for how awesome you are then they don’t deserve to have you in their ranks. There are other people out there will play with you despite you no longer being in ‘the cool kids club’. Peer pressure is a joke, the only way to control the tide is to be indifferent to it. You’ll be surprised how that tactic alone will be enough to get people to follow you.

My mother is a fighter, and one day my father will stop peeing in pools. One cares what others think, the other doesn’t. See for yourself who is doing better.

What I saw when I came home and assessed myself, though some parts may be colored in anger and pain, mom remained very close to the truth. I wouldn’t have believed the whole thing had I not witnessed with my own eyes the disintegration of the man who is my father.

And for those who think their two cents need to be announced, if you don’t like the game…. then stop playing it. Grow up, Scut. Don’t pretend like you know anything about this situation or try to save face. Nothing came out of you that I didn’t already expect, you’re a coward. Now go play with the cool kids and remember that 86′ing applies to EVERYONE in the club.

-Buggers