Tag Archives: Hosea

One More Rant Before I’m Finished With These People

Posted on by Standard 16

This week, I had a conversation that left me annoyed and wondering why it is always poor people that threaten to get their lawyers

Yep. He still tries occasionally.

Yep. He still tries occasionally.

right on your butt. Chef’s girlfriend doesn’t seem to be the sharpest knife in the drawer, and now I’m getting an idea where she gets her weird ability to blame HER affair with my husband on ME. You are probably as sick of this subject as I am, but bear with me through one final rant about the insanity that my life was a few months ago. Call this a mental health post, if you will.

T’s mother, B, is just as appalled as I am that her daughter took up with a married man ( who is older than she is), and about once every two weeks, she tries to call me. I never answer her calls because really, what is there to say? I don’t want to chat with my husband’s girlfriend’s mother. Plus, I can never really follow what the woman is trying to say, except that she blames this whole sordid mess on Chef, and gives her daughter every excuse in the book for it not being her fault, including blaming their affair on me. What the h…….?

Here’s the thing. T is 29, as of yesterday. She is a Christian, and knew that what she was doing was wrong. Chef is to blame, but so is she. They’ve had a rather public thing going on since at least February of this year. That was long before I knew about it. That’s all I have to say about the matter. However, I don’t really understand why, but B somehow thinks that some of this crap her daughter has pulled is my fault too, and I just don’t want to hear it. This week, she cleverly restricted her number and called me looking for Chef’s phone number. I use my cell number for work, so I have no choice but to answer numbers during the day that I don’t recognize, and to say I was less than thrilled to hear from her is an understatement. She rattled on, and I hung up.

Later in the week,  she (T’s mom) sent me a text saying she forgives me and my family for everything. What??? I texted her back asking what that meant. Why should she be forgiving me? She told me to go to my husband’s house and try being nice to him from now on, and then he would take me back. She insisted that my problem was that I wasn’t appreciating my family enough. Seriously?

Wow. This is him in a nutshell.

Remind me again…why do I want him back?

Listen. I tried everything when all of this was blowing up. I tried being nice, understanding, and supportive. I tried being mean, angry, and insulting. I tried every emotion in the book, and guess what? Nothing worked because the one thing I wouldn’t do was let him have all my money to use on drugs. And since that is what T is doing now, I have no chance of “winning” him back. He has exactly what is important to him, and it wasn’t important to him who provided him with what he wanted. He isn’t in love with T; he’s said pretty insulting things about her when she got a little perturbed with him about his conduct. He isn’t in love with me, either. He wants his drugs. Period.

Why would I want to reconcile now? He has chosen a course in his life that doesn’t work for me. I don’t want to be an addict, nor do I want to be married to one. I don’t want to always be worrying about where my next fix will come from, or deal with him when he is in the throes of the same worry. I don’t want to have to move from place to place because I don’t pay my bills. I don’t want to take care of someone who won’t work. I don’t want to take care of someone who doesn’t want to get well. So, I haven’t tried to get him back lately,  because if we couldn’t succeed in this relationship when he kind of cared about it, we certainly won’t make it now that he’s obliterated any trust I can ever have in him. The time of Chef and Bird is just over, and I’m making a new life for myself. I would like the people from my old life to stop calling me. Enough. It is over.

To say I feel total forgiveness for T and her family would be a big, fat lie. I’m really humiliated and embarrassed by a woman carrying on behind my back with my husband. I’m embarrassed by the lies he told her about me, and I’m really rather appalled that T thinks that somehow she can write her scriptures and testimony of undying love for the Lord on Facebook while flaunting her adulterous union with my husband to everyone around her. Somehow, she has justified her position in her own head, and I have no choice but to accept that. I struggle less with forgiving Chef…I consider him sick. Plus, I have loved that guy for decades. But to have this person he cheated with send me apology texts that try to justify her position by making me a poor wife is sometimes a bit too hard to take. Having her mom do it for her is enough to make my brain bleed. I will eventually move into complete forgiveness, but these random texts aren’t helping. Leave me alone.

There is always room for improvement in any marriage, and I am no exception. But it is a pure falsehood to say that I deserved my divorcehusband’s infidelity. No where in the Bible does it give a man permission to cheat on his wife, no matter what she is or isn’t doing. Ask Hosea. I’ll have to live the rest of my life with the parts of this I’ve done wrong, but I’m not going to fold up and die, and I’m not going to  make you feel better by accepting that some random adult woman couldn’t help herself from cheating with Chef because I was neglecting his needs. Nope. That isn’t what happened at all. I neglected to feed his drug habit, and she didn’t. She wins in this losing game right now, but I’m winning in the overall battle each day I don’t have to deal with all the pain and worry that comes from living with an addict who can’t shake his addiction. I am sad for Chef, and I want him to get the help he needs, but  I think if I’ve proven one thing in all of this, it is that you can’t help someone who just doesn’t want to be helped. Chef has to want to get clean. He just doesn’t right now. Period. Should he die of his use at this point, I don’t need to feel guilty. The question is, should you? Ignoring a bad habit such as this one is dangerous. How will you feel if he dies? Gets arrested? Goes to prison? These are the questions that would haunt me continually when we were still together, and I unfortunately don’t have the talent of laying my blame on other people. I own my own guilt, and those were the  problems that would haunt me all the time. Even now, I know I would struggle with the “what if’s” should something happen to him, but I also know that I waged one hell of a battle against all of this happening to both of us, and I have that to fall back on. It’s just out of my hands, now.

When I got sick of B’s texts, I finally wrote her a rather chastising one of my own about her daughter being the one who needs to be asking forgiveness, along with some angry referrals to some of her other messages to me (all without profanity, I’d like to note), and I got a call from T’s dad. Of course, I didn’t answer, but his message informed me that I needed to not be texting B or he’d call his lawyer. My first reaction was to be angry. I didn’t open up this dialogue! Then I started chuckling because it seems to me that it is always people who can’t afford a loaf of bread that throw around lawyer threats. Remember, I had to lend this family $500 to pay their rent, but now he’s going to pay a lawyer to make me not reply to texts that his wife sends me? Oh please. I wish I had enough money to afford a phone that blocks phone numbers. Forget lawyers. I have quite a list of numbers I’d like to never hear from again. Still, the threat was ludicrous, and I finally just turned the stupid phone off and enjoyed the rest of my day.

I know the T Family follows my blog, obviously for other reasons than what most people do, so I want them to know that I don’t want to hear from them. What is done is done. If you think this is my fault, suck it up. I don’t agree. I’m not going to help put Chef in prison so your daughter has to come home. I’m not going to apologize for not being nice to him and trying to win him back. The man, and your kid, are your problem now. Stop writing/calling me. And oh, please! Spare me your lawyer threats! I can’t believe you even bothered with that! It would mean so much more if I didn’t have the fourteen messages from B on my phone!!!! Are you kidding me??

Anyways, I’m sick of talking about this crap, so I’ll write another post later about how you meet love connections in the most random of places… :-) I have a date tonight, so I’m outta here! Have a nice Sunday afternoon!

– Bird

Light — Bekkie

Posted on by Standard 19

I’m all about the lesson. In a way, I’m grateful for the past year. Lessons abound.

For instance, I learned that the worse things get, the closer God is. “Draw nigh to God and he will draw nigh to you.” James 4:8. At the bottom there’s no where turn to but up.

I learned that Satan well deserves his name, which means adversary. He is truly against God. When my dad turned away, handing the reigns of his life to his enemy, I learned about the nature of evil. In the same way that faith is like a mustard seed, the smallest of the seeds, that grows to be the largest tree, evil begins small as well. It starts with fleeting thoughts and compromise. It turns into secrets and justification. Satan, that wily devil, whispers sweetly that you certainly deserve whatever happiness you might glean from this fleeting life. He says there is no God, no judgement, no evil, no soul, when all of creation contradicts that notion.

Usually, when you think of pride, you think of someone who wants to take credit. I’m sure we all have moments when we feel proud of being Christians, of serving the one true God. Of course, we soon realize it was his mercy, his kindness, that drew us. “For whom he did predestinate, them he also called: and whom he called, them he also justified: and whom he justified, them he also glorified.” Romans 8:30. So beginning to end, all God. No room for credit.

The desire is there, though. The desire to take credit. But Satan’s pride has gone further. In The Usual Suspects, Keyser Soze says, “The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.” What kind of pride is this? A pride so advanced it needs no credit. He’s willing to share credit, to give it over completely, as long as his aim is accomplished.

I’ve also learned that even an average man, of average intelligence, can become very, very devious. It’s as if Satan’s thousands of years of experience and knowledge shine through his followers. There are now two Christians, both of whom have engaged in lengthy discussions of God with me, who have told me, “You don’t know the whole story.” Not to mention others, who I am less upset about. Always that exact phrase. You don’t know the whole story.

Consider this with me. I have grown up with this family. Each of these people. I know their habits, their preferences, their past. I was personally present for several of the ‘big incidents.’ Anyone considering this situation logically would never assume they know better than I what has happened.

Yet I don’t know the whole story.

“My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge:’ Hosea 4:6. I’ve seen people who aren’t saved be deceived. It’s a very sad situation. There’s some compassion that should be given, some mercy. The only sin they can be convicted of in that state is the sin of not believing in Jesus as the Savior, the Lamb of God, sacrificed to save us. Their defection is understandable. Their mind and spirit are clouded, they have no shield.

Of all the friends we’ve lost, the Christians are the hardest for me. The girl my dad is seeing is a Christian. We were friends before all of this. I’ve mentioned Emily, my friend, on here. She recently accepted Jesus as her savior. That was an awesome day by the way. Her boyfriend defected as well. In his way, he did as much damage as the girl. Ironically, the only two Christians in the bunch are the only two who have actively interfered in meaningful ways. I might yet lose Emily, which would be the greatest loss so far.

Their involvement hurts badly. Everyone else, my dad included, I can forgive easily. I remember my mind before the Holy Spirit took over. I know how easily deception is accepted, desired even.

So I’ve learned that it’s important for every Christian to move past the milk. “But strong meat belongs to them that are full of age, even those who by reason of use have their senses exersized to discern both good and evil.” Hebrews 5:14. They couldn’t have been deceived so easily had they been exersizing.

“A new commandment I give unto you, That you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this shall all men know that you are my disciples, if you have love one to another.” (Jesus) John 15:34-35. I don’t know that the world sees much of the love Jesus was talking about from us. I don’t really see it myself. That’s why I don’t blame people for not liking Christians a lot of the time. They have often had similar problems. If I didn’t know God-apart from his people-I might be tempted to ascribe to God the characteristics of his people.

“You are the salt of the earth: but if the salt have lost his flavour wherewith shall it be salted? it is thenceforth good for nothing, but to be cast out, and to be trodden underfoot of men. You are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hid.” (Jesus) Matthew 5:13-14. The world looks to us as examples of the God we serve. Please keep that in mind.

– Bekkie

I’m Just the Ambulance Driver in All of This

Posted on by Standard Respond

I hate feeling helpless. I really hate feeling helpless when one of my children is going through something that I know I simply can’t help them with. They just have to sail through that storm alone, and I have to wait at the harbor with my first aid kit, until they get through it.

Recently, my eldest daughter has begun to experience being in love for the first time. Unlike so many other teen-agers, she never had any real crushes in high school. She doesn’t date much, and has only had one boyfriend, which lasted a week or two. She’s intelligent, beautiful, spiritual, and commitment phobic. An over-analyzer like her mom, she’s managed to avoid the painful side of “love” experienced by most of us in high school. Until now.

The person she has this crush on is someone we consider one of us. Very few people have come into our lives and taken up residence here like they had been born to it. He is one of two successful interlopers. Let’s call him Joe. Joe reminds me of the prophet Hosea. He always seems to fall in love with the women that are guaranteed to break not only his heart, but his spirit as well. He is kind and generous to them; in turn, he is taken advantage of regularly. It has been rough on my kid because she doesn’t fall in the “Broken Woman” category. She doesn’t have that spirit of neediness that I think attracts so many men. Independent and healthy, she doesn’t need this man to take care of her; she just wants him to love her.

Hosea had the unlucky position in the Bible to be ordered to not only marry a prostitute, but to actually love her as well. God used Hosea’s life to show how He felt about Israel’s lack of faithfulness to their God, who honors His vows to them, and loves them, despite their wayward and flighty hearts.

As parents, my husband and I genuinely would like this match. But as we no longer arrange our children’s marriages in this day and age, we are relegated to ambulance drivers on this field of sport. We can’t play, but we’re here if you get hurt.

It seems lately that each day is measured by “Joe Events”, some excellent and some sad. Most only confuse us both. An entire outlook of life can be changed by a nice text message or dashed to pieces from an un-returned phone call. And poor Joe has no idea about any of this. I’m sure he would be completely surprised to know just how powerful he’s become in someone’s life right now. Do any of us ever really know at the time how powerfully we can effect another human being? Watching this dance from a different viewpoint for the first time in my life, I reflect back to the early days of learning to love, and I hope I was gentle and kind to those around me that might have had a crush on me. How powerful these emotions are when we are first experiencing them!!

 I’ve always cautioned my children that love isn’t all fairy tales and sunshine…there are down sides too. I have found in my own life that the deeper you swim in the ocean of despair with your partner, the more you appreciate the mountaintops of joy. That being said, sometimes we feel we’ll drown in the despair….and many often do. But if you’re going to experience the full spectrum of what love has to offer, you have to take the plunge into vulnerability…It simply can’t be achieved successfully and satisfyingly any other way.

My only advice to her would be to pray often to Jesus about your longings and desires. Cry to Him when things don’t seem to be working the way you would like them to. Laugh with Him when you’re heading back up to the mountaintops. But most of all, trust that He has your best interests in mind. Trust that He knows what is best for you, despite what our own opinions may be. Trust that it will be okay, whether your love is ever reciprocated or not.This too shall pass, even if it doesn’t feel like it ever will.

I don’t have a lot of wisdom to offer her in this kind of crisis because I certainly don’t want her to follow in my foot-steps down the path of love. It ended up great, but it was one painful ride getting here. I can only offer her my prayers and support, my shoulder to cry on, and my hope in the Lord. And I can beg God to be gentle with my baby girl….I know He will. She belongs to Him, too.

So, I’m rolling the bandages and checking the medical supplies, all the while hoping they won’t be needed at all when this experience plays itself out.

– A Mom