Tag Archives: Human

So, A Chef, His Wife, and His Girlfriend Walk Into A Rehab…

Posted on by Standard 32
everyone 2

Everything came to a head last night, and I’m sitting here both laughing and crying because I think that I can see an end of some sorts in sight now. A real end, this time.

Now we're gonna do it my way... :-)

Now we’re gonna do it my way… :-)

greenThis whole story began and has now ended, with a lie. A lie that is called meth. Meth promises its user an escape. And, like most of the promises from hell, it is seeded in the truth, but it is warped and twisted, deceptive, and evil. Meth makes you forget about your problems; it gives you some added strength to get things done (you think); it bestows a sense of happiness (ignorance), power (over absolutely nothing), and hope (in getting your next fix). And then, like only a true enemy can do, it seeps out of your body, taking with it all the gifts it had lent you, and leaving in its wake even more chaos, destruction, problems, and hopelessness than you had had before.

In October 2011, Chef had a friend die in a motorcycle accident. Chef had struggled with drug addiction as a younger man, and except for a brief skirmish with it when we first got together over 23 years ago, he had remained clean all these years. But coupled with some health issues, a midlife crisis, and a general dissatisfaction with his career choices, he succumbed to the temptation to just use a little pick-me-up to get him home from a very hard funeral. Unlike the first time, the drug took a firm hold on him almost immediately, and he was simply unable to stop.

All prayers are appreciated; so will the rehab.

All prayers are appreciated; so will the rehab.

Throughout the time since then, I’ve been completely dumbstruck by just how different the man seemed. While he had flaws all along, it was terrifying to see those same flaws turn so completely confuse themexaggerated. I’ve always thought that he was a bit selfish, but meth would take that flaw and magnify it out of all proportion, and some of the things that I watched this man do and some of the words that have come out of his mouth have left me struggling to comprehend how someone could ever justify it to themselves, no matter how strung out they were. I was even more dismayed when he completely stopped even bothering to justify himself to anyone at all anymore. Bernice was what Chef called meth, and the affair that Chef & Bernice had was tantamount to a very warped Gone With the Wind, with Chef announcing that as God as his witness, he’d never be sober again, and Bernice announcing that “Frankly, my dear Bird, I don’t give a damn”. Bernice ruled his every word, thought, and action, and over the year and half I watched them, I learned a great deal about the verse : Out of the heart, the mouth speaks. Every slimy, crappy, evil thing that can be laid up in a person’s heart came pouring out of Chef’s mouth, and after months of allowing it to hurt me, I was finally able to look Bernice in the eye and let her know, I’m on to you, beeotch. I see you. More importantly, God does too. It ain’t over till it”s over, babe.

The Bible tells us that God works all things to His good, and this story is no exception. Since the split up, T and I have come to understand, forgive, and then to work together, to try to help Chef. Where I came so close to hating this girl for the pain her part in all of this had inflicted on me and my family, I’ve now come to rely on her as a partner who cares about Chef too, and she’s been invaluable as another soldier in this war against this horrible drug called meth. It would seem that our efforts have finally paid off, and today I can happily and hopefully announce, Chef is in rehab!!!

shadow of deathAfter a particularly nasty week involving Chef, I had pretty much withdrawn from wanting to see, hear, or even think about, him at all. I had heard all the same rhetoric from him about getting the help he would need to stop a million times, and yet he’d never followed through. I’d already lived through his affair with T, and the roller coaster ride of him saying all the right things to people, including me, that we so wanted to hear, but yet were in direct conflict with what he told someone else. He would tell T she was the love of his life, then come to my apartment and call her names and say he was stuck but was trying to find a way to come home again to me, the only love of his life. But my hope in him had eventually withered away, and it had become much easier to accept that he was truly gone. The more I pulled away, the more he would fight to keep me. And he was doing the same to T. It would seem that once we were both gone, that would have left him truly alone and desperate enough to finally get the help he needed. Ah, but no. Instead, he started a relationship with Sassy (not her real name) the Drug Dealer, instead, and when I found out he was getting the crap for free from this winner, my head about exploded. At least T was clean, if naive. But a drug dealer for a girlfriend, though?

Over.My.Dead.Body.

If you read my last post, you know what my opinion of this person is, so I won’t bore you with all the details. Let’s just say that it took me about 4.2 minutes to trash that happy little budding romance, and I don’t feel a tad guilty about it. I know there are now a few human beings on earth that say my name with contempt, but frankly, I couldn’t care less. You mess with the bull, you get the horns, my friend.

Last night, I got a panicked message from Chef saying he was dying. I didn’t freak out or anything. He’s always telling me that. But this time, I felt like something was actuallyother white drug wrong, and I headed over to his house. After meth-induced psychosis drama, I was able to get his schizo butt to the hospital, and because of his suicide threats, I was able to get him committed involuntarily to treatment, for a whopping 3 days. Both T and I prayed, and held our breath to see what the psychiatrist would determine. If the psychiatrist recommended he stay longer, he would have to. Sure enough, he was told today that he’s in for the long-haul.

T and I are working frantically getting his home packed up and his affairs in order so that once clean, he can walk out of the doors to a well-managed, well-organized life that won’t overwhelm him. After speaking to him today, I feel even a little more hopeful since he sounded somewhat more like himself, and while sad and ashamed, he was able to crack a weak joke here and there. I feel a lot of sadness for him right now, knowing myself how hard it can be to laugh again. But he will.

In the meantime, Sassy has been broken up with via text message from Chef’s phone, kindly but firmly. I doubt ole Chef is going to thank me or T any time soon, but he did let Sassy down gently and kindly, yet firmly, thanks to T. :-) Today, another dealer and I came to an understanding about how things will be going down next time someone offers him a free date with Bernice. I figure by the time he gets out, T and I will have cleansed the leeches and junkies out of his life permanently. Man, I love technology…Thank you, Mr. Alexander Graham Bell!!

I want to ask everyone who prays if they would keep Chef in their prayers, and thank you all for hanging with me. Hopefully, we’ve finally arrived at how this story ends.

Sincerely,

Bird

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My Pictorial Summary of the Last Year of My Marriage

Posted on by Standard 30

I don’t know about you guys, but I love pictorial stories. And thank the Lord, the internet is just swimming with the perfect pictures, quotes, and general information needed to put together a fantastic pictorial story. So, since my day started off like garbage, I’ve decided to write a pictorial of the last year of my life that makes me feel better. This, added to all the encouragement and general outpouring of kindness you have all showed me, has helped me end on a more positive, happier note. You guys are the greatest!!

On October 16, 2011, Chef decided he was old and needed to launch into a midlife crisis to make himself feel better:

It only took me one whole year to decide that I was finished being shook up.

Because he always does things in a really big way, he chose the absolute worst drug on the face of the earth to play around with and lost his mind:

But it looked like so much fun!!! Trust me. It isn’t.

And who could have guessed that inserting Drano, Lithium, and who knows what else into his brain would make him insane? Well, I could. I’d seen it before with my first husband. But I was in love, and I just knew I could save him. How many people on this earth have thought that exact same thing?

Unless you become a meth addict. Then, I don’t want you anymore. Your flaw almost killed me.

For months, I tried to deal with his problem without any help. I didn’t tell anyone…our kids, families, friends…no one. I didn’t want to embarrass him. I thought I could fix it by myself, even without his help.

Everybody stand back! I got this!!

It was ridiculous now that I think about it. I used to think I was pretty smart. You sure couldn’t tell by this whole fiasco!

I mock no one anymore. I’m living in a glass house.

As the drug took over, my life turned into this strange roller-coaster of secrets, PTSD, lies, pain, and addiction. It was horrible. What was worse is that because of the nature of the problem, I felt like I had to keep his secrets, too, and I hate secrets. I seriously HATE them.

He had locks on all kinds of stuff. He had lots of secrets, I guess.

The up side of it was I gained some interesting skills that ensure me a place as a low level mob known associate. Either that or I can become one heck of a stalker. I can pick locks, break passwords, use an adapter to see what websites he’s been looking at, clean out viruses downloaded by porn, and run off bikers from the front porch with a shotgun. I’m flush with new skills!!

My favorite was busting his passwords and changing them to things he’d never guess. I know. But I had to have some fun somewhere.

Finally, I figured it all out, and it turned out he was being unfaithful. It was a kick in the gut, but I seriously already knew that was what he was doing anyways. I just wanted some proof. As things fell even more apart, I finally turned to my family and friends for help. Every single person thought I should leave, but I didn’t. I just didn’t want to believe he would pick a drug over me and the kids. But he was too far gone by that time, and I should have given up. I mean, he was doing bizarre things.

How crazy am I for trying to reason with this?!

He is always surprised at the level of hostility I have about him cheating on me. Seriously. What did he think I’d think?

Finally, after a seriously dangerous incident, I finally put distance between us, but I was a basket case. I couldn’t believe all of this was happening.

My pain and sadness was understandable, but I felt pathetic. I knew he had done things to me that other people would never have tolerated, and yet I couldn’t quit excusing him. I still excuse his bad behavior. I think that makes me somewhat pathetic.

Even though I am a Christian, there were times that I lashed out, wanting him to hurt like he had hurt me. I’m ashamed of that, but it is what I did.

This is pretty close to the terminology I used….

Finally, days started coming and going without the tears. I was able to not think about him, or my whole life, for an hour here or there.

Ahhh. I’d love a little amnesia right about now. :-)

I still harbored some hopes that one day I’d get a chance to talk to him about all of this hellish behaviors that cost us both so much, but he doesn’t want to address any of it with me. However, he’s still pretty upset that I wouldn’t move back in with him when his girlfriend dumped him and turned off his utilities.

Wow. This is him in a nutshell.

Now, even though I live in a new apartment, love my job, have my kids, friends — both online and in real life — I seem to not be able to shake that last little bit of codependency that strives to make me as nuts as he is. I wrote him off forever, and within 24 hours, I’d answered his phone call again. I felt low, low, low.

Wretched Addictions  Why couldn’t we have shared the same one? Oh, that’s right. We did. I’m addicted to him, and so is he!

But, thank God, I was able to get my feelings out, get great advice and encouragement, and I’m back on the path to healing again. Thank you all for your prayers and encouragement. Don’t count me out yet. This war isn’t over !!!

Ok. It’s a little off the message, but I want this sign for my bedroom. :-) It makes me laugh.

Love, Bird

I Need to take a Course in Speed Reading…

Posted on by Standard 51
SATAN SAYS

SATAN SAYS (Photo credit: rafaelm)

I’ve fallen behind on my reading of all the posts I follow, and my inbox proudly boasts 2889 new emails. At some point, I’m going to have to acknowledge defeat.

Chef and I spent all day yesterday, and all night, travelling and visiting with friends. We arrived home this morning at 7 am and we’re happily tired. A quick blog check mocked me with pages of comments to be read, approved, and replied to… While I’m overcome by awe that there are so many people talking to me, I’m overwhelmed by the sheer numbers. So, I thought I’d let you guys know that I’m working my way through them…Please be patient.

I have some ideas rolling around in my head about stuff to write, but I am not going to get all heavy today. Nor am I in the mood to describe the near-death armadillo motorcycle story from last night either. Instead, I’d share some excerpts from one of the many conversations I’m engaged in right now.

And, it’ll prove that I can indeed have a civil conversation without flipping out this week, I’m posting the following from here. Plus, he makes some pretty common arguments which I think we all should know how to answer, especially, it seems, in Blogospere..

The article is http://wordsformwindows.com/2012/04/20/you-can-marry-your-cousin-but-not-your-boyfriend/ and it is about homosexuality…mainly a “For” vote to my “Against” vote.

Comments…

Me: I’m in complete agreement with rowangirl. A person is not defined by their sin…they are a person struggling with a sin, just like everyone else. In my opinion, science has proved nothing to support gay copulation. It produces no life, which is scientifically what sex was designed for. Thank you for inviting our opinions and providing a civil atmosphere to discuss this topic. :-)

Writer: Is it truly a sin if they had no say in the matter? Like an earlier comment stated, a gay person is no more in control of their sexuality than a person is with the colour of their skin. It is often said that God created us in his image. I’d love a quote from the Bible that says being gay is wrong.

Also as a comment stated (think it may have been the same one) the Bible is thousands of years old, how do people still think it applies today in the exact way it was created, as the planet matures and as a race we grow surely must peoples morals.

Me: You pose very good questions, Daniel. However, I have learned that these arguments go round and round but never answer anyone to their satisfaction.  I don’t find that science has proved that there is no God, or that people are born gay. You don’t accept that the bible is true…So, we’re at an impasse. The bible says in many places homosexuality is a sin. It also says that without being saved, the words in the bible are foolishness to man. See? There is no winning the battle without someone having an open mind. I won’t..I believe in God 100% and His Word..and you won’t either…the book is foolishness to you. It is that same book that tells Christians not to be running around judging people…and that includes homosexuals. If science is all we’re looking for here, than maybe a repulsion to homosexuality is an instinct…I don’t say that to agree with it, but science is just too random to be used as proof in all this.

Here is another one:

Jeffsong: I would be remiss if I didn’t comment to this. I wasn’t healed until I embraced Satan as one of God’s children and came to Love him as well. One of the Lord’s fallen angels – much like we are. He doesn’t bother us much any more (Satan, that is) because he has become one of ‘our brothers’. Took that to end the war in me.

Me: I’m going to respectfully disagree with your position. First, people are not fallen angels. We are humans, and we are not going to die and go to heaven as angels. Second, I hate satan. I hate everything satan does. I hate everything that satan tries to destroy and everything he represents. Most importantly, Satan is waging this entire war against Jesus, who I love. I would never insult my friend by embracing his enemy. Satan is anti-Christian and anti-human. He hates you and he hates me. You can’t “love” or “embrace” him back into the family…My guess is that he leaves you alone because you are actually being tricked, by him, into a position that renders you ineffective to the kingdom of God. Why bother harassing someone when they aren’t dangerous at all? Or even worse, actually working for the enemy to further the enemy agenda? Sorry. Just can’t embrace this reasoning at all…
Jeffsong: But you see – I forgive him all that. Everything. I have no hatred towards him at all, though I used to — which lead to a lot of self-hate, doubt, etc. All man’s evils. It wasn’t until I figured it all out that I could actually be at peace with myself – and him and God. Everything. I have no hatred towards him at all, though I used to — which lead to a lot of self-hate, doubt, etc. All man’s evils. It wasn’t until I figured it all out that I could actually be at peace with myself – and him and God. And (wry smile) – if you want to believe, just look up my references about my trip to Puerto Rico. I had a really strange experience there last year; sorta kidnapped, held captive; lost 35 pounds in 14 days; walked 3 days . . . lots of things. And it was the happiest week of my life – I met God, talked to Him; he showed me a lot of things. Jesus Christ is just one of them.
The truth is: we are all God’s children – and more. There is a truth out there that . . . well, you’ll see. I’m not into pushing my beliefs at all; not if you don’t want to hear them – and I feel if you are comfortable in your belief and system – are happy with joy – that’s good. I don’t want to disturb that. But anger is not happiness at all; neither is hate. Those are the wrong kinds of emotions to feel – even towards someone as bad as Satan. I feel only pity and sympathy for him; I have seen his side. But he’s okay with me and I with him – and he doesn’t bother tempting me anymore. Doesn’t do any good.
You know that old Christian saying? “Hate the sin, not the Sinner”. Well, ditto the same thing towards Satan. That’s not to say I don’t get angry about – well, a lot. But a lot of what I get angry about is human stupidity; not something Satan is doing. People have a choice – and it’s up to them to make it. Deep in their hearts they know right from wrong – and if some of them pay some kind of penalty in the end? (shrug) Well, I don’t believe in an eternal hell, either; I don’t believe God is that way – I’m thinking He’s a lot wiser than that. He’s just gonna keep Teaching us some lessons – until we finally learn. Get your lessons down right and maybe you got a chance to go on to “heaven”; otherwise you’re just doomed to keep repeating them until you get ‘em down. But I think God loves his children – every one of us, all life forms – way too much to do that.
‘inside’ . . . and you can see God. He’s a lot like us (in my opinion) and free will was given just to see what we’d do with it. I don’t think he “knows everything” – not about people. It’s his form of entertainment to kinda keep things interesting. After all: everything else is predictable; at least the mathematics are. Billard balls all bounce the same. However, this “free choice” thing – kinda adds a dice in the equation, don’t you think? “He” (our living God) . . . well, he’s got a wry sense of humor, I think – making us make the decision ourselves – and sometimes between ‘two wrongs’ (which way will you go?) . . .
I do know this: my “God” is not some static god who stands like a frozen statue in the universe. He’s a dynamic humorous being full of love, humor, and ‘being good’ – but he gives ‘us’ the choice – and the Devil is just there to tempt us. The rest? Nature and things. Physics, and what ‘we’ve’ done to the planet. Just a natural course, written in the rocks and stones much as the dinosaurs are.Love and forgiveness is what it’s all about I seem to recall someone saying – maybe it was Jesus Christ? Or was it God? Never mind; they are both one and the same and ‘my’ religion leaves me feeling good all over (truly and physically right here – a nice and tingly feeling thinking about it) – and is like a brightly singing light inside.
On this last one, I have not answered yet because I haven’t had enough time to really go over the comment and give it the attention it deserves..
So, anyways, hope everyone has a good weekend!!
– Bird

A Game of Tag

Posted on by Standard 37
Tag Games

Tag Games (Photo credit: Hegemony77 doll clothes)

I got tagged by Karyl @ ilovethishusbandandwifestuff  Thanks for tagging me and for the question!

‘Tag – you’re it!’ – The rules:

  1. You must post these rules.
  2. Answer the question the “tagger” listed for you in their post,
  3. And create 11 new questions for the people you tag to answer.
  4. Choose 11 people to tag and link to them in the post.
  5. Let each blogger know that you have tagged them.

So, I’ve posted the rules. and now I need to answer the question the person who tagged me asked me, which was: “”What was your most joyful moment?”

I’ve actually had quite a few most joyful moments, so it is hard to pick the crowning one. I would have to say that it was the moment God Himself through a prophetic team I’d never even heard of, told me and the entire congregation of the church I attended that it was His Will that I keep the baby I was pregnant with…Rebekkah. I guess I really felt humbled that my problem was important enough to Him that He would tell me publically, with witnesses and with all the church leadership in attendance, and silence the judgments around me. I imagine my feelings at that moment might have resembled those of the woman who had been caught in adultery, and yet Jesus didn’t let anyone around her judge her, and then He chose not to judge her Himself. I can’t wait to physically tell Jesus Thank You for that. :-)

Now my nominees and the questions for them:

  1. My Life Uncut…Almost - What do you miss about living in Texas?
  2. Rendezvous With Renee - What is the one thing that you like the most about yourself?
  3. Hobbling Around - If you could have a comic book character designed after you, would you want to be the hero, or the bad guy?
  4. Backwards 222 - Who is your favorite human being on this earth right at this moment?
  5. Adurna Blue - If you could marry a man with the perfect last name, what would that name be?
  6. Terry 1954 - What was the time that you laughed the hardest in your whole life?
  7. Kathyplashley - If you could change just one thing about the American public school system, what would it be?
  8. Originalapplejunkie - Which parable that Jesus told means the most to you, and why?
  9. Forhisgloryandpraise - When you get to heaven, besides Jesus, who would you like to sit down and have a conversation with?
  10. Whatidesiredtosay - What is the absolute best customer service call you’ve ever received?
  11. Creative Noodling - Describe how a marriage between you and Kyle @ Mew Tube would begin and end..lol!
 I hope you all play, because I picked specific questions for each of you, and I’m just dying to know the answers!!
- Bird

Jealousy

Posted on by Standard 20

I’ve recently made friends with a womanizer. Don’t worry, the friendship didn’t begin with any shenanigans, so I don’t need a phone call, Mom :) .

In case you didn't guess, this is the Green Eyed Monster...

This friendship has become the source of some pretty valuable insight into the male mind. Maybe into the dating mind in general, I don’t know yet. Anyways, we had a conversation about jealousy. Apparently this guy likes to take his girlfriends around his ex-girlfriends to make them jealous. When they get jealous, he says, then he knows they care. I realized that I had seen this same scenario many times, I just hadn’t realized that was the aim. To reveal the other party’s emotional attachment. It makes sense. If someone gets jealous, then yes, it means they want to keep you. But it also means they think they can lose you. They don’t trust you, in fact.

So I present to him a theory. Perhaps jealousy is a step down from courtesy. This guy believes that, with social equality and all that, women should open their own doors and pay for their own shit. Maybe they should. But if you want someone to know you care, you should do small things like that to show them you care. I saw a stooped, white-haired man open the car door for his equally stooped, equally white-haired wife, and help her into the car before circling and getting in himself. My dad does the same for my mom. My sister’s boyfriend buys her-and himself-mementos from their outings, to remember the day. The difference between these two approaches is that one leaves you vulnerable, making you the first to show you care, while the other forces someone to let you know.

This is all theoretical. I myself have only been jealous once, in high school. It didn’t feel nice, though. I remember it still, like an illness. It ruined my day, that spurt of jealousy. I haven’t felt it since, even though there has been occasion for it to be reasonable. I guess I just don’t feel threatened most of the time. If people can glean some happiness, even if it costs me a few sad moments, then go for it. Having learned of that tactic, though, I now wonder if maybe that isn’t part of the problem with society today. It’s okay to this guy that he intentionally hurts these girls, just so he knows something he should have already known. And the part of him that does this is something equally hurt from some other painful thing, brought on by another broken person.

What I’m saying is, Try a Little Tenderness…

– Bekkie