Tag Archives: Jesu

Teach Me

Posted on by Standard 44

Today, I am in need of some advice and I would appreciate any given. I’ve come to really trust a lot of you guys

When I say that I’ve forgiven T and Chef, I really have. I no longer feel any bitterness or anger towards either of them. T feels free now to call/text me about questions she has about the Lord, or her familial problems, and I’m getting the same kinds of calls/texts from Chef. None of that bothers me at all. I love talking about my God. Where I’m confused is, is this some ploy from satan?

I posted this scripture last time I wrote, and since then I’ve been wondering if there is a loophole to it.

17 Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. [o]Respect what is right in the sight of all men. 18 If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men. 19 Never take your own revenge, beloved, but [p]leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord. 20 “But if your enemy is hungry, feed him, and if he is thirsty, give him a drink; for in so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. Romans 12:17-21

Okay. That is what I’ve been doing lately, and the more I do it, the more Chef and T communicate with me. In fact, Chef seems to want to see me every day now, and I hear from T almost every day now too. She started crying when she apologized to me in person, and my heart hurt for her because she just seems like a lost little girl, holding on to Chef like a plank of wood in the middle of an ocean. Now that I’ve really spoken with her, I see how the church she was raised in has really, really let her down. She’s been taught to accept what preachers/pastors say without checking any of it against the Word of God. I always abhor that. No matter what you hear and how much it makes sense, you must always see what the Bible says. She was raised in the Prosperity kind of doctrines, where money is the goal…not righteousness. And if you are not successful, healed, etc., then you just didn’t have enough faith. I HATE that kind of doctrine and every time I hear her try to explain how she sees God, I’m broken for her. In her mind, she’s going straight to hell because she’s displeased her vengeful God. She doesn’t understand grace at all.

Chef and I went to his first counseling session, and I was surprised because he didn’t try to sugar coat any of what has been happening. This is big for him, and though I got sick of hearing about his motorcycle club stuff, he really was trying to be truthful. I was impressed, and it gave me a little hope for him. Instead of fleeing whenever I mention God, he actually asks questions now and seems to be listening to the answers. As we all know, changing the behaviors takes time and effort, but every long journey starts out with the first step. And I think, at least for the moment, he might have taken his first step. That is an answer to one of my prayers.

Where the problem for me is, I’ve been praying that God get Chef out of my heart, and while I’ve felt distantly fond of him, this morning I woke up wondering if I’m supposed to be praying for the restoration of my marriage, not for a quick, painless divorce. I woke up at 2am and that was the first thing I thought. :-(  I seriously can’t imagine him being able to change enough that I can come back. But that is me judging him, isn’t it? And then I wonder if because I’ve been spending some time with both of them, maybe I’m being roped into some weird triangle thing that I shouldn’t be involved in. But I also have noticed that Chef is starting to be somewhat critical of T, and is now trying to lay down new foundations for our relationship. At least, that’s the way it is looking to me. I question his motives, of course, but it really is something different from what I’ve come to expect from him. I’ve been stand-offish about this because at this very moment, he still is living with T. So, where is the line in the sand? Also, I can’t really say I miss a lot of stuff about our marriage anymore. Yes, I was happy. But, I was also very overworked in the peace-keeping areas.

Chef has been extremely hateful and angry at two of our kids — Rebekkah (whose birthday is today!!) and DJ. That alone makes reconciliation impossible at the moment. And I see years of marriage counseling in our future should we decide to try again. Rebekkah and DJ, who are super protective of their mom, want me to refuse to communicate with him at all, but I don’t feel that the Lord wants me to. They don’t get how I could possibly feel motherly about T, and yet I just do.

I guess I would just like some advice from other people, because I’m conflicted in what I should be doing. I’ve prayed that God’s will be done in this matter, but I’m a tiny bit afraid His will might be healing our marriage instead of just letting me move on with my life without him. Would you guys pray, too?

Any insights would be appreciated because as always, I want my motives to be without question godly, and my God’s will be done, not mine.

 

Thank you all!!

– Bird

 

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My Glass House Moments – It Isn’t Easy Being Me

Posted on by Standard 61

Are you guys sick of hearing about the lessons I’m learning? LOL! Well, as this is my journal through this latest trial in my life, get comfortable with watching me stumble, fall, and then get up again. It is just what I do!

Yesterday, out of a desperate need for money for both of us, Chef agreed to let me sell some stuff that we had owned and split the money. It was a gracious offer, and I appreciate it. And during that process, he told me two things that really stuck out to me, and that is what I’m writing about today.

As all of you know, when Chef and I first split up, I was a mess. I was praying, but not really believing that God was hearing me, or trusting that He was in charge of all that I was going through. I already have extreme insomnia problems, so I was doubling up on the ambien so I could just sleep my way through the process, and then when those would run out, I would drink vodka like it was going out of style. Of course, as a Christian, this is very shameful behavior, and I hope no one takes my survival skills to heart. I am woefully weak when it comes to extreme emotions. All I did was make bigger messes, because on the ambien (which obviously wasn’t making me sleep), I wrote terrible, angry messages to both Chef and his new girlfriend, T. The vodka didn’t do that to me, so it was better to not refill the ambien prescription, because I was very ashamed that I hadn’t handled all of that better. Thank the Lord for His grace and mercy, and I’ve been forgiven for all of that. And I’ve forgiven myself as well. But I had planted some weeds in my garden, and yesterday I got a tiny taste of what I’d grown there.

Chef had lots and lots of things to say, but really, I’ve heard all of this stuff before, and I have a filter in my brain to catch the manipulative stuff. He seems hard pressed to hurt my conscience because T, his girlfriend, is, in his words, innocent, naive, and very hurt by what I said to her. He knows very well that I love the Lord, have a conscience, and I hate when I hurt my Lord’s reputation, which I’m sure that I did when dealing with him and T. Where I should have been silent, I was angry and bitter. When I should have walked away and let the Lord handle the vengeance, I instead sent angry texts messages calling her an adulteress and a home-wrecker. Now, yes. They are living in adultery, and my family is wrecked. But the thing to remember here is that even though I was the hurt party in this, I am still not allowed to sit in judgement of anyone else’s life.  And for that, I have apologized to both God, Chef, and T a while back. But evidently, T has been holding on with a firm grasp to the adultery things I accused her of, and was refusing to forgive me. ….Really….lol.

I listened for a while as Chef tried to convince me that T was a very good, devout Christian girl who just wants to be his friend because she loves him and doesn’t want him to be alone. When I would mention that you stop being a “good friend” the minute you sleep with someone, he would get angry and accuse me of trying to undermine the special friend relationship they had. Finally, that nonsense ended when I  told him that I don’t care about words — I’m seeing the fruit they are both producing, and that is not a crop either of them should be proud of. But, I forgive them both, and I’m trusting the Lord to do what is right in my life, and leaving them to their own specific lessons from the Lord. After that, for a bit, things were peaceful again because I wouldn’t talk about anything other than the happy times when the kids were little. And believe it or not, none of the conversation bothered me at all. No jealousy, no anger, no grief, no pain. Just a peaceful, breezy afternoon cleaning up things and taking pictures to put on Craigslist.

 

Towards the end of the time together, though, Chef brought up another one of T’s complaints, and this one really struck a chord in me. Her other complaint was that she was ashamed that such a poor Christian as me would write a public blog about God. :-o  I took a minute to wrap my brain around that, and for a few minutes I really took a minute to reflect on it. Then, I asked Chef if she has ever read my blog. He said no, they don’t own a computer. Again. Really? How can you judge my work if you haven’t seen it???

Here’s a couple of things I want to say about all of this. I am writing a blog from my own viewpoint, so of course, other people may see some things differently, and I accept that. I try to write as honestly as I can, even the gnarly things that I do. I never want to give my God a black eye, but I also don’t want to lie and make people believe that Christians have these roses and rainbows kinds of lives or that we never mess up in really, really massive ways. But if I didn’t write about all of the trials and tribulations, and the pain and misery that tends to walk hand in hand with those problems, then what value is there in the joy of seeing just how the Lord brought you through it? How do you share the lessons you are learning without explaining how you’ve failed? How do expect people to understand just how merciful our God is if you don’t explain why you needed that mercy? I was angry when I wrote a few posts, but I was very honest. I was hurt, lonely, betrayed, angry, and somewhat bitter. But I was truthful and I owned my own crap.

No. Being a real Christian isn’t a walk in the park, and it isn’t for the weak, but we should always be truly self-aware and honest, both with ourselves and with each other.

So, my answer to both Chef and T is this: I am working through this trial the same as any other person in this world would. I’ve made lots of mistakes, but I’ve also have repented for them. Repentance is not just asking for forgiveness but it also literally means to stop, turn around, and go the other way. There is no forgiveness without repentance. I’m probably going to make tons more mistakes, and as the Lord convicts me, I will repent of those too.

If only perfect Christians were allowed to share His Word, no one would be up to the task. I’ve forgiven both of you even though neither of you have apologized and repented of what you have done to me, the kids, our friends, and even our pets. If you have issues with me writing a blog, too bad, so sad. I feel like the Lord wants me doing this. You can always start your own blog and share the things that you two want to share, but until you’ve read mine, your opinions seem silly to me, especially since you are living together, claiming to be Christians, and not married to one another. Glass houses, people. They are hard to keep clean! I’m harder on myself than I am on either of you most of the time, and I hope that God continues to work in all of our lives. He loves all of us the same, and He wants good things for those who love Him.

– Bird

 

 

 

Witness To The Death of a Soul

Posted on by Standard 27

 

In my life, there have only been a few times that I have considered someone my actual enemy. As I think back over my life, I am pretty sure that it has only been a couple of

 

Still-Life with a Skull, vanitas painting.

Still-Life with a Skull, vanitas painting. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

times that I’ve prayed that the Lord would bring someone to justice. David often wrote in the Psalms prayers that his enemies would stumble, fall, and fail. But to me, it always seem unmerciful to pray these kinds of prayers, so I just generally stayed away from them. Lately, with Chef, I’ve been more inclined to pray this sort of prayer, but last night, I realized all over again, it is Chef’s master that is my enemy, not Chef himself.

 

Something had been happening in the two days leading up to me deciding to leave, and I could feel in my spirit that I was at a crossroads. I had spent some time one on one with Chef, and let’s face it, I know him pretty well. I could see a twinkle of the old Chef in there occasionally, but it was always brief, and quickly gone. Then, through a random series of events that I never should have even known about, I found out that he had gotten our old house back, moved his girlfriend in with him, and was back on the drug that started this all out in the first place.

 

I went to see him one last time last night, because I wanted to feel closure. I wanted to say what he would never allow me to say before, always angrily running away. I told him that I could see him plainly now. I could see all the lies, manipulations, perversions of the last year. Even events from the last twenty years had come into focus for me, and while I was happy during that time, all the signs had been there that he would progress to this. I just hadn’t wanted to believe I couldn’t save him. Pride is an ugly thing, and I was full of it. This whole mess has broken that pride in me, and I’m very much a broken pot made of clay. I can save nothing and no one, not even myself. Only God saves those who want Him to, and I have no share in that glory whatsoever.

 

I have witnessed the slow, agonizing death of a soul, and it has been the scariest, most horrifying death I’ve ever witnessed.  As he stood there in the home we had put together, his eyes were sunken and eerily dull, and I felt the dark spirit’s presence that had become familiar to me in the last year. Only this time, I was looking him straight in the eyes, and the grief I felt was enormous because Chef had chosen to serve this demon who hated him so much. Death was surrounding Chef, following him from room to room like a shadow passing along the walls;  I was witnessing his spirit struggle to stay away from the light of the Lord that lives in this unworthy vessel. Lies poured out his mouth, excuses, reasons, and then wrath and rage bellowed out, all in a voice that I didn’t recognize. And not once did I feel afraid or confused. I could see my enemy, and it wasn’t Chef, and it wasn’t his girlfriend. It was the King of Lies, and Chef had chosen to serve him, reaping the rewards that only a king who hates his subjects would bestow.

 

People always think that it isn’t over until you’re dead. In fact, Chef would say that to me a lot. Time isn’t our friend, and always putting off decisions about your God and your choices until tomorrow is a fool’s game. It can, in fact, be over before you’re dead, as God has hardened many a heart who thought they would put Him off until later, wanting to live their lives in an ungodly way, but reap the benefits of eternal life.

 

 

 

Romans 1:16-32

 

American Standard Version (ASV)

 

16 For I am not ashamed of the gospel: for it is the power of God unto salvation to every one that believeth; to the Jew first, and also to the Greek.

17 For therein is revealed a righteousness of God from faith unto faith: as it is written, But the righteous shall live by faith.

18 For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who hinder the truth in unrighteousness;

19 because that which is known of God is manifest in them; for God manifested it unto them.

20 For the invisible things of him since the creation of the world are clearly seen, being perceived through the things that are made, even his everlasting power and divinity; that they may be without excuse:

21 because that, knowing God, they glorified him not as God, neither gave thanks; but became vain in their reasonings, and their senseless heart was darkened.

22 Professing themselves to be wise, they became fools,

23 and changed the glory of the incorruptible God for the likeness of an image of corruptible man, and of birds, and four-footed beasts, and creeping things.

24 Wherefore God gave them up in the lusts of their hearts unto uncleanness, that their bodies should be dishonored among themselves:

25 for that they exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshipped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed for ever. Amen.

26 For this cause God gave them up unto vile passions: for their women changed the natural use into that which is against nature:

27 and likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another, men with men working unseemliness, and receiving in themselves that recompense of their error which was due.

28 And even as they refused to have God in their knowledge, God gave them up unto a reprobate mind, to do those things which are not fitting;

29 being filled with all unrighteousness, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, malignity; whisperers,

30 backbiters, hateful to God, insolent, haughty, boastful, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents,

31 without understanding, covenant-breakers, without natural affection, unmerciful:

32 who, knowing the ordinance of God, that they that practise such things are worthy of death, not only do the same, but also consent with them that practise them.

This division between Chef and I wasn’t about the normal things that marriages end over — drugs, money, infidelity, strife. It ended because we each chose to give our whole hearts, minds, and souls to our masters, and mine is Jesus. His is not.

When all of this started a year ago, God kept me up one night, showing me that I needed to leave Chef. He promised I would not want to witness this, and yet, I gave myself excuse after excuse to stay with him. God was right. I never want to witness something like this again. But, as God is prone to do, He has also dropped some wisdom on me about this whole affair, and I am wiser, stronger, and more wary of my enemy than I’ve ever been before. God will turn all of this into a blessing for me and something that will shine His glory out to a very dark, very evil, very lost world.

I will mourn forever the choices Chef made, but I won’t choose follow anyone down that road again. I’ve seen how that master rewards those who serve him, and I’m un-inclined…My hope is in the Lord, and in Him will I find comfort.

– Catherine

 

Lessons – by Bekkie

Posted on by Standard 28

 

The best lesson my mother ever taught me was how to learn a lesson. When I would tell her a story, any story, good or bad, she’d say, “So, what did you learn?” And I would

 

First page of the Gospel of Mark, by Sargis Pi...

First page of the Gospel of Mark, by Sargis Pitsak, a Medieval Armenian scribe and miniaturist (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

try to figure out what I’d learned. This has been the most helpful lesson in my life. Even very bad situations offer some new piece of information. It’s comforting, to know some good came, even from the bad.

 

Watching my dad’s downward spiral has taught me many things. Addictive drugs are not to be played with. Our words affect other people, sometimes for a long time. Love does in fact hope all things, endure all things, bear all things.

 

Those lessons, and more every day. But there’s one in particular that I can’t get past. My dad’s a pretty good example of someone who is lost. He has something in him that is never satisfied. He sought, for years, to fill it with the world’s version of good things: a family, nice house, good job. When we moved away, he turned to other things, less acceptable things. Forbidden even. It’s almost as if he needed something stronger, more potent.

 

When you share the gospel with someone, there’s some compassion in your heart. You feel sorry for where they are in their lives, in their heart. You offer them Jesus, and hope they accept. But when I told my dad about Jesus, that he could bring peace, that he was the only solution, I didn’t feel just compassion. I felt almost desperate. I needed him to believe, to understand.

 

That’s when I learned about free will, the high cost of it. God loves my dad, loves everyone, far more than I do. This is what Jesus meant, love your enemies. He is merciful even to the evil and unkind. In the end, though, he won’t force anyone. I can’t force my dad.

 

He laughed me off. The gospel is foolishness to those who are dying, but to those who are being saved it is life everlasting. Please pray for my dad. I don’t want to get to heaven and not see him there. I don’t know if this is presumptuous, but please also pray to learn to love also. I think we could do more good if we felt that way about everyone, and not just the people in our immediate view. I’m praying for it, too. Thanks.

 

– Bekkie

 

Tickle My Ears

Posted on by Standard 14

1In the presence of God and of Christ Jesus, who will judge the living and the dead, and in view of his appearing and his kingdom, I give

Harlingen is Brownsville’s neighbor. Matamoros is where the teenagers in South Texas used to party.

you this charge: 2Preach the Word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage—with great patience and careful instruction.3For the time will come when men will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear. 4They will turn their ears away from the truth and turn aside to myths. 5But you, keep your head in all situations, endure hardship, do the work of an evangelist, discharge all the duties of your ministry. 2 Timothy 1-5

Yesterday, I wrote a “joke” post about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Today, I want to say something serious. I have only ever been to one other country in this world other than the one I live in, the United States of America. Mexico was the lucky host. And frankly, I drank so much on those trips, I have nothing intelligent to say about them. The drinking age in Mexico in the 80′s was 16.   :-)  I just want to thank Audra for getting me back across the border unmolested and alive. You rule, Aud! But one thing I know about America is that satan has done pretty well at setting us up to have our ears tickled, no matter what we want to hear. If your treasure is to be rich, there is a preacher for you. If your treasure is to be powerful, there is a preacher for you, too. But if you want to be like Jesus really was when he was here on earth, there aren’t so many teachers for that. Thank God for the Bible. Read it.

Jesus never owned a home. He certainly didn’t own a car, a good job, or even a faithful wife. Jesus lived as our homeless do now, with the exception of mental illness. He simply preached His Father’s message. He was kind, gentle, humble, and he never lied, even if He knew what you really wanted to hear. He tells you the truth, and you can take that to the bank.

Most of us can pray until our ears fall off, but we aren’t going to be rich. Some of us are going to have health problems and broken marriages, and God will use those to bring more people in the kingdom. But we’ll suffer.  We’ll have children who will rebel, and friends who will betray us with kisses. Life is really hard, and God never promises us it won’t be. But our lives are but a tiny drop of time in an ocean of eternity. Stay faithful. Stay focused. And stay fruitful. Don’t be the person who buried his talent in the dirt. Be the gifted one who took his 4 talents and spun them into 4 more.

Love you, mean it!!

– Bird