Tag Archives: lessons

A Long Way To Letting Go

Posted on by Standard 25

Being alone so much, I have a lot of time to think. In the beginning of this disaster, that wasn’t such a good thing. But lately, without the clouds of so much painful, angry emotions, I find a lot of time to look back and learn from this whole process. One thing that I think about a lot lately is how much this has changed me. At first, I wanted to believe that one day I’d go back to normal…be the same person I was before. But as time marches on, I’m thinking that you can’t unlearn what you already know. And the truth is, I know too much. I know that words are no good without actions behind them to back them up. I know that anyone is capable of betraying those they love, and that we are all experts at deceiving ourselves into believing whatever we want. I’ve learned that you can’t un-break a heart, or take back angry words, or rewrite the past. What is done is done. You can only go forward.

I’ve been told by a lot of people now that there is something different about me. Most of the time, they can’t seem to put their finger on it, but deep inside, I know what it is. I have an edge to me that wasn’t there before. I’ve noticed that I’m walking a fine line between forgiveness, anger, and bitterness. I don’t want to be a bitter person, but I have to admit, I’m a rather angry one at the moment. I do believe that God is working on me, and His Will will come to pass in me. But at the moment, I fight hourly with the urge to throw something across the room, normally seconds after hearing from Chef. And yet, that anger seems to creep up on me, and I don’t sense it beneath the surface like I did so much over the last year. Which, to me, is the worst kind of anger. As days go by, though, I’m careful to not allow myself to dwell in that state of mind long, and I’m getting better at controlling my emotions. But I have to admit…it is really exhausting.

Today hasn’t been bad at all. Even things that would normally trigger that sadness or anger haven’t been able to pierce my good mood, and as I sit here writing, I’m listening to the traffic going down my street and the voices of my neighbors as they call out to each other, and I’m peaceful. Really, really peaceful. I’m content and happy right at this moment.

I found this song that is just beautiful by Maria Hines, and I loved the lyrics so I thought I’d share them with you. You should pull up her video on YouTube. I think you’ll like it. Thank you for all your kind remarks and comments. And thank you for your prayers and advice. I know you are all right..There is no reconciliation for me right now. I’m learning who I am now, and it wouldn’t be fair to anyone to try to be in a relationship just yet. Even with Chef. I’m no fool. :-)

A Long Way To Letting Go

Funny how the little things

Can stake a claim in memory

And cheat time to last a hundred years
I swore that I’d be strong enough

To drop my heart and pick it up

And make the great escape without a tear
I’m So naive…
And I hold my breath a little too long

And you were quick to carry on

And I’m learning in the afterglow

It’s a long way……

A long way to letting go
Waiting on eventually

Where you’ll become my history

And I’ll begin to rebuild the wall

I’ll forget to mention you

And wish that you were lonely too

And never ache, missing your call
I’m so naive
And I hold my breath a little too long

And you were quick to carry on

And I’m learning in the afterglow

It’s a long way……

A long way to letting go
Was looking easier ideally

And I falter at my hesitation’s end

Close my eyes as I begin the countdown,

Reach for breath, I’m counting down

But I hesitate at ten.

And I hold my breath a little too long

And you were quick to carry on

And I’m learning in the afterglow

It’s a long way…..A long way to letting go
Read more: MARIE HINES – LONG WAY TO LETTING GO LYRICS

Bird Finally Actually Throws Down…

Posted on by Standard 105

I am having a bad day. Every thing that can go wrong is starting to do just that; my husband is in a full-blown battle with Father Time today, and I just keep trying to dodge the bullets. And even though I really tried not to, I snapped at him in a spectacularly dramatic moment that would have been beautifulif it had been in a movie, but

Sara

Sara (Photo credit: Wikipedia) This is how I imagine Sara in my head..

it only escalated the tension here at home. I usually know what I should do; I don’t always actually do it…I’m still in the middle of learning this lesson, and like chemistry, I get a little lost in all of it. My sleep medication hasn’t given me 4 complete hours of sleep in something like four days, and I’m physically, mentally, and spiritually worn out. My faith isn’t wavering…just my stamina and patience.

So, as he is inclined to do, these are the settings for the devil to lodge grenades at me in the form of snarky comments aimed at my friends Sara and Anne that were wildly inappropriate and hurtful. Now, in my tired and weakened state of mind, I didn’t notice that this is the Number One way satan tricks me into stumbling..by provoking me through someone else’s hurt or injustice. Anne’s comment that I flipped out on was a diatribe of why we Christians …blah, blah, blah by an proclaimed atheist, posted on a beautiful story about Anne’s dead mother. I lost my cookies…I could not believe the arrogance! Anne calmed me back down, and frankly, handled her own business with grace and dignity. But not before I threw down on the unsuspecting opinion-owner. I’m very impressed with your compassion and patience, Anne. I decided after that incident that I should take a break from writing/reading and cool down emotionally for a while.

And then stuff in my really-real world started spinning out of control this morning. I was just going to skip writing today, knowing I’m tired and grumpy. But, on a whim and in need of something to distract me from myself, I thought I’d read a couple of my favorite blogs, and maybe cheer up a bit. Enter, Sara’s commentators with their arrogant, and obviously ignorant, advice. Sara is a girl who is suffering from extreme effects of childhood abuse, and I can’t even make myself write the horrible opinions some people..who aren’t her followers, felt the need to slap on her. I seriously, seriously considered  going to their blogs and letting all hell break loose. I may not be able to kick a person’s butt physically, but I’m pretty good at a snark-war. I did warn you guys that I have to keep a strict hand on my temper, remember? Well, the best way to unleash the beast that is my temper is to pick on people I care about. It never really works when satan attacks me directly like that. And I get sucked in almost every time. This time, though, while I did respond, I was pretty tame considering what I wanted to say. It wasn’t a perfect victory, but it wasn’t a totally loss either. I’m putting this battle in the Tie column.

Finally, I open up my own blog, and I have this, I’m going to assume, well-intentioned comment under I Know Exactly Who My Enemy Really Is :

“I would be remiss if I didn’t comment to this. I wasn’t healed until I embraced Satan as one of God’s children and came to Love him as well. One of the Lord’s fallen angels – much like we are. He doesn’t bother us much any more (Satan, that is) because he has become one of ‘our brothers’. Took that to end the war in me.”

Now, does this remind anyone else out in Christian-ville of Jesus being offered a bribe in the desert? Because when I read it, I had to chuckle a little bit…my enemy had overplayed his hand, and the storms in my head and heart settled right down…Peace has ensued ever since. I think I can maybe feel God smiling..

I think this all happened by God’s own design today. No one ever gets snarky on our blogs, and yet there were attacks on blogs that I would specifically be offended on behalf of these particular writers..coincidence or divine intervention?…You tell me. And, in spending so much time in fury for the defense of another, I was able to focus on something that wasn’t going on around me. Tempers in my really-real life calmed down, and a peace treaty of sorts has been negotiated. We just ate dinner together, and the peace is holding.

I wasn’t going to write today, but Sara thought I should, and I think she is right. I feel better after having written it all out. You guys have a nice evening.

– Bird

For my Throw Down History, click here.

Making A Point – One Louse At A Time

Posted on by Standard 29

One of my friends posted this lovely picture on FB with a sweet little phrase that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy…except that to me, it looked like a grandmother picking lice out of her granddaughter’s hair. I know. Kind of random, but then again, most Texas mothers are going to know what I mean. Lice is the Bane of Public

Detail of a woman picking lice from a child's ...

Detail of a woman picking lice from a child's head. From Cour de ferme (1662) by Jan Siberechts (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

School Children’s Mothers all across the state of Texas.

Before anyone gets all high and mighty, just know this. Any kid, poor or rich, clean or dirty, popular or shunned, can get lice. Don’t be small-minded. The bugs drink blood, so unless you’re a bloodless zombie, you’re a potential buffet.

My introduction to lice was when Bekkie was in first grade, and DJ and Cait were in kindergarten. We received a note from the school letting us know that there had been lice found on other students, and that the school would be spending the next few days going through everyone’s hair and we parents would have to pick up our children immediately if any were found on them, and they would not be allowed to return to class until all lice, eggs, etc., were gone without one trace… Frankly, I wasn’t worried.

I should have been.

Both of our daughters growing up have had very long hair. I mean, to their waist’s long. And so, when I got the call from the school, I was informed by the nurse that I was probably going to have to cut both the girls’ hair. She seemed kind of gleeful, and it offended me. My daughter’s were always getting compliment on their lovely hair, and it seemed like this woman was taking some pleasure that they would be put through this…I mean, they had never really had short hair, and that can be traumatic for a little girl. I was annoyed by her attitude.

My thoughts as she smugly told me this? Bite me. I’ll figure out a way to get rid of these bugs, and let’s see how you feel when I don’t have to cut their hair… Yeah, there was more, but you get the idea.

And thus began the longest few months of my entire life. First, it took a week before we could get Bekkie back into school. She’s got the thickest, brown hair..In the end, Chef had to sit for hours getting each nit out for days, while I did the same for Caitie’s. Dj’s was a piece of cake… Then, there was the usual vacuuming, bagging up stuffed animals, yada yada. You know the drill.

Months later, as the creepy parasites kept making return appearances, and I’m finally flirting with the idea of cutting the girls’ hair, I am informed by a doctor that there is a prescription shampoo that kills them dead FOREVER, whether you pick every egg out or not. I wanted to kiss the man squarely on the mouth…

What? Are you kidding me?!! I just made Rid-X a fortune, and you’re telling me that all I had to do was pay a $20 co-pay and buy a prescription for $10?  

I brought that shampoo home, scrubbed their little heads, bought new mattresses, and we never saw a louse in our house again. And I didn’t have to cut the girls’ hair, either.

I did prove the school nurse wrong, but it was a hollow victory $1000.00+ later.. :-(

The lesson here is that I could have just cut my kids’ hair and saved a ton of money, time, and drama instead of trying to prove a point to a woman who doesn’t even matter anyways…

– Bird