Tag Archives: moving on

My Pictorial Summary of the Last Year of My Marriage

Posted on by Standard 30

I don’t know about you guys, but I love pictorial stories. And thank the Lord, the internet is just swimming with the perfect pictures, quotes, and general information needed to put together a fantastic pictorial story. So, since my day started off like garbage, I’ve decided to write a pictorial of the last year of my life that makes me feel better. This, added to all the encouragement and general outpouring of kindness you have all showed me, has helped me end on a more positive, happier note. You guys are the greatest!!

On October 16, 2011, Chef decided he was old and needed to launch into a midlife crisis to make himself feel better:

It only took me one whole year to decide that I was finished being shook up.

Because he always does things in a really big way, he chose the absolute worst drug on the face of the earth to play around with and lost his mind:

But it looked like so much fun!!! Trust me. It isn’t.

And who could have guessed that inserting Drano, Lithium, and who knows what else into his brain would make him insane? Well, I could. I’d seen it before with my first husband. But I was in love, and I just knew I could save him. How many people on this earth have thought that exact same thing?

Unless you become a meth addict. Then, I don’t want you anymore. Your flaw almost killed me.

For months, I tried to deal with his problem without any help. I didn’t tell anyone…our kids, families, friends…no one. I didn’t want to embarrass him. I thought I could fix it by myself, even without his help.

Everybody stand back! I got this!!

It was ridiculous now that I think about it. I used to think I was pretty smart. You sure couldn’t tell by this whole fiasco!

I mock no one anymore. I’m living in a glass house.

As the drug took over, my life turned into this strange roller-coaster of secrets, PTSD, lies, pain, and addiction. It was horrible. What was worse is that because of the nature of the problem, I felt like I had to keep his secrets, too, and I hate secrets. I seriously HATE them.

He had locks on all kinds of stuff. He had lots of secrets, I guess.

The up side of it was I gained some interesting skills that ensure me a place as a low level mob known associate. Either that or I can become one heck of a stalker. I can pick locks, break passwords, use an adapter to see what websites he’s been looking at, clean out viruses downloaded by porn, and run off bikers from the front porch with a shotgun. I’m flush with new skills!!

My favorite was busting his passwords and changing them to things he’d never guess. I know. But I had to have some fun somewhere.

Finally, I figured it all out, and it turned out he was being unfaithful. It was a kick in the gut, but I seriously already knew that was what he was doing anyways. I just wanted some proof. As things fell even more apart, I finally turned to my family and friends for help. Every single person thought I should leave, but I didn’t. I just didn’t want to believe he would pick a drug over me and the kids. But he was too far gone by that time, and I should have given up. I mean, he was doing bizarre things.

How crazy am I for trying to reason with this?!

He is always surprised at the level of hostility I have about him cheating on me. Seriously. What did he think I’d think?

Finally, after a seriously dangerous incident, I finally put distance between us, but I was a basket case. I couldn’t believe all of this was happening.

My pain and sadness was understandable, but I felt pathetic. I knew he had done things to me that other people would never have tolerated, and yet I couldn’t quit excusing him. I still excuse his bad behavior. I think that makes me somewhat pathetic.

Even though I am a Christian, there were times that I lashed out, wanting him to hurt like he had hurt me. I’m ashamed of that, but it is what I did.

This is pretty close to the terminology I used….

Finally, days started coming and going without the tears. I was able to not think about him, or my whole life, for an hour here or there.

Ahhh. I’d love a little amnesia right about now. :-)

I still harbored some hopes that one day I’d get a chance to talk to him about all of this hellish behaviors that cost us both so much, but he doesn’t want to address any of it with me. However, he’s still pretty upset that I wouldn’t move back in with him when his girlfriend dumped him and turned off his utilities.

Wow. This is him in a nutshell.

Now, even though I live in a new apartment, love my job, have my kids, friends — both online and in real life — I seem to not be able to shake that last little bit of codependency that strives to make me as nuts as he is. I wrote him off forever, and within 24 hours, I’d answered his phone call again. I felt low, low, low.

Wretched Addictions  Why couldn’t we have shared the same one? Oh, that’s right. We did. I’m addicted to him, and so is he!

But, thank God, I was able to get my feelings out, get great advice and encouragement, and I’m back on the path to healing again. Thank you all for your prayers and encouragement. Don’t count me out yet. This war isn’t over !!!

Ok. It’s a little off the message, but I want this sign for my bedroom. :-) It makes me laugh.

Love, Bird

Ceasing From Anger; Forsaking Wrath; Waiting on the Lord

Posted on by Standard 30

Today, I woke up very, very sad….again. I’ve been doing better, and it is my thought that some of that was this moat of anger that I’d put up around my

Better days.

heart for the last week or so. I, like my son, have always held out this tiny bit of hope that Chef would hit such a rock bottom, that he would be moved to at least truly apologize for all that he has done to this family, and takes some steps in the right direction to prove to us we were important enough to him to try to help us heal. Maybe not reconcile, but at least show some emotion that would say he felt bad about the pain he has inflicted on not just me, but his children as well. We kept expecting the old Chef to suddenly wake up somewhere in there and be horrified by all that he has been saying and doing. My girls didn’t hold out that hope at all, and for some reason, they seem better for it. It is like they’ve accepted that the old Chef is gone, and this new one is not one they care to know. But DJ and I just seem stuck. I would give my right arm to feel like the girls do, but while I’m healing up and feeling better most days, I have mornings like this one where I am very sad all over again. Chef used to write me love letters and I keep finding them all around me. Words that once made my heart sing now just mock me. They are everywhere! Stuck in my bible, in my briefcase, even in boxes of stuff that I packed up in a hurry to leave the house.

I cried out to the Lord today, asking Him how long can this go on? Yes, I’m usually feeling better, but days like this feel like set-backs to me. And I feel somewhat ashamed that he has moved on from me so easily, ashamed that I’ve been so easily manipulated by him all these many months, and yet I’m still stuck in this mire of grief that I can’t seem to get out of. He called the police on my precious daughter Rebekkah– not because she threatened him at all, but because he couldn’t get her to be manipulated into his point of view and he will go to any lengths to not hear the truth. And you’ve gotten to know Rebekkah through this blog….she calls it the way she sees it, and she is not easily intimidated.  Many, many times, I’ve heard the wisdom of Jesus come from her mouth, and she is not a good one to talk to if you aren’t willing to hear the truth. She is 100% the most honest person I’ve ever met…Ever. She can not be manipulated from her course. She is steadfast, and this has always caused a problem between her and Chef. Chef’s girlfriend, T, was once Rebekkah’s friend, and they had talked for hours about the Lord, so Rebekkah felt betrayed by this girl too, and she wasn’t shy about pointing out that T spent her whole life going to Christian schools and church 5 days a week, and seemed to have gleaned nothing from it. Trust me. If I ever do something this destructive and sinful, Rebekkah is someone I’d avoid at all cost… :-) Chef went to the lengths of calling the police to have her removed because he did not want to hear what she had to say.

And yet, as protective as I am about my children, I still can’t thrust this man completely from my heart.

I’ve now seen him with his new girlfriend, calling her some of the same sweet names he used to call me, protecting her , and it feels so betraying and twisted because he was the same way about me, and yet, here I am, still crying over all of this. I guess I feel foolish because I believed him all these years, and yet he kept none of his promises to me. I don’t trust easily, and I did trust him. I believed him. I planned all of my future dreams around this person, and it was just all a big lie. My spirit feels crushed all over again.

So, I picked up my bible after crying my heart out, and this is the scripture that I read.  I know most people don’t like to read whole long scriptures, but I think it is important you try to read every word.

“Do not fret because of evildoers, 

Be not envious towards wrongdoers.

For they will wither quickly like the grass and fade like the green herb.

Trust in the Lord and do good; Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness.

Delight yourself in the Lord; And He will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the Lord, Trust also in Him, and He will do it.

He will bring forth your righteousness as the light and your judgment as the noonday.

Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him; Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way, because

of the man who carries out wicked schemes.

Cease from anger and forsake wrath; Do not fret; it leads only to evildoing.

For evildoers will be cut off, but those who wait for the Lord, they will inherit the land.

Yet a little while and the wicked man will be no more; and you will look carefully for his place and he will not be there.

But the humble will inherit the land and will delight themselves in abundant prosperity.

The wicked plots against the righteous and gnashes at him with his teeth. 

The Lord laughs at him, for He sees his day is coming.

The wicked have drawn the sword and bent their bow to cast down the afflicted and the needy,

To slay those who are upright in conduct.

Their sword will enter their own heart,  and their bows will be broken.

Better is the little of the righteous than the abundance of many wicked.

For the arms of the wicked will be broken, but the Lord sustains the righteous.

The Lord knows the days of the blameless, and their inheritance will be forever.

They will not be ashamed in the time of evil, and in the days of famine they will have abundance.

But the wicked will perish; and the enemies of the Lord will be like the glory of the pastures, They vanish —

like smoke they vanish away.

The wicked borrows and does not pay back, but the righteous is gracious and gives.

For those blessed by Him will inherit the land, but those cursed by Him will be cut off.

The steps of a man are established by the Lord, And He delights in his way.

When he falls, he shall not be hurled headlong, because the Lord is the One who holds his hand. 

I have been young and now I am old, yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken or his descendants begging bread.

All day long he is gracious and lends, and his descendants are a blessing.

Depart from evil and do good, so you will abide forever.

For the Lord loves justice and does not forsake His godly ones; They are preserved forever, 

But the descendants of the wicked will be cut off.

The righteous will inherit the land and dwell in it forever.

The mouth of the righteous utters wisdom, and his tongue speaks justice.

The law of his God is in his heart; His steps do not slip.

The wicked spies upon the righteous and seeks to kill him.

The Lord will not leave him in his hand or let him be condemned when he is judged.

Wait for the Lord and keep His way, And He will exalt you to 

inherit the land; when the wicked are cut off, you will see it.

I have seen a wicked, violent man spreading himself like a luxuriant tree in its native soil.

Then he passed away, and lo, he was no more;

I sought for him, but he could not be found.

Mark the blameless man, and behold the upright;

For the man of peace will have a posterity.

But transgressors will be altogether destroyed;

The posterity of the wicked will be cut off.

But the salvation of the righteous is from the Lord;

He is their strength in time of trouble, The Lord helps them

and delivers them; 

He delivers them from the wicked and saves them, because they take refuge in Him.”

Psalm 37

I guess lately, I’ve been fretting and envious because I don’t have a lover to comfort me or tell me that I’m innocent, or that I didn’t deserve all of this to happen, or blah blah blah…I’ve been lonely for my husband for a year now, and yet he has someone he lies in their arms and is comforted. I know that sounds self-pity-ish, but it is just the truth. I’ve been with this man almost my entire adult life, and now, I have a whole different kind of life, and I don’t feel safe or stable in it. I always feel a little afraid. I get moments where I could use a man telling me  he thinks I’m pretty, or smart, or a good mother, or that he is going to make everything okay. These are things Chef once did for me, and now does for someone else. Talk about painful!

I know that people say make Jesus your husband now, but frankly, I don’t really know how one would go about doing that. Jesus is my Lord, and I do know that every single time I’ve needed something, He has provided it. I do trust He has all of this under control. But for right now, He can’t hold me physically. He can’t wipe away these tears with His hands, or stroke my hair and comfort me. He does wrap my heart in peace and comfort at times, but I miss sitting across from someone I know cares about me and telling a funny story, hearing about his day, or talking about the kids when they were little, and all the myriad of beautiful things people who have been happily married for decades talk about.

Today, I’ve cried already, and now I’m going to go on with my day. Life marches on, and time stands still for no man, except Joshua..once, but I’m thinking I’m not ranking with him. :-) But, this blog helps me to sort out how I feel and to put into words the sorrow that I still feel over this loss, and I appreciate that people care to listen, encourage, pray, and support me and my family — and even Chef.

Thank you for that.

– Catherine