One thing I’ve learned from having a blog is that I shouldn’t write on it when I’m drunk! And yet, when I take Ambien or on rare occasions, get drunk, that is exactly what I do!! I’ve even left myself notes before not to log on when I’m Ambien-ed out, and I completely ignore myself!!! My subconscious always thinks it knows better than my sane, sober self. Arrogant schmuck!
I rarely get drunk anymore, but the last couple of days sucked, added to the fact that I couldn’t sleep and I felt uncomfortable in my own skin, I decided to drink myself to sleep. I hate the kind of sleep I get from that, but some kind of sleep is better than NO sleep.
I’ve been struggling lately about what to write about. I don’t normally live in so much chaos and pain, and I hate spreading those kinds of emotions around or sounding like a cry baby demanding sympathy. I’m usually laid back and pleasant natured, so being angry and fearful feels foreign to me. My teen years were full of pain, fear, anger, and bitterness, and so feeling like this all over again is just horrible. Most days, the Lord does give me some relief, albeit temporary…without those times I’d go crazy. But the battle rages on here every day, and I must admit, I’m really, really tired. Physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted.
But, I’ve also learned that when we are at our weakest, that is when the Lord does His best work. I think when we absolutely know that we are in over our heads and there is no chance we’re going to deliver ourselves, that is when He stills the raging seas of our lives, and we can make no mistake that it was His victory, not ours.
I was able to sleep last night..thanks to vodka… and I’m a bit hungover, but I’m feeling His peace again this morning. There is absolutely no reason for me to feel differently than I did yesterday, which is how I know that God is control of my day.
I have decided that I have to write about my truths, whether they are angry or happy. I’ve never been all that good at masking my emotions, and writing about obese cats or pretending all is wonderful in Bird World isn’t really my cup of tea. What is the point of me writing a blog if I’m just going to write nonsense stuff that even I don’t like? I don’t lie well at all, and I write non-fiction….
I still have my sense of humor about stuff, but it doesn’t come out much when I’m sad. And lately, my defining emotion has been sadness most of the time. Sad for what is gone forever, and sad about how satan has perverted so many things in my life, and how hard it is just to cope with things other people seem to brush off so effortlessly. People who deal with drama in their lives constantly have my utmost respect…How they can handle the ups and downs of a soap opera life is beyond me…I completely suck at all this drama crap. I like peace and quiet. No yelling, no arguing, no drama whatsoever. And lately, that has not been the ruling atmosphere around me. It blows, but I’m adapting.
That being said, I have my hope placed squarely on the Lord, and that is one thing satan hasn’t been able to touch. My faith never waivers when it comes to Jesus, no matter what is happening in my life. I know that I know that I know, Jesus will save me no matter what. I can say I truly trust the Lord these days and I know He isn’t going to allow me to endure more than I can handle. He’s never let me down, and He isn’t about to start failing me now. One day, all of my struggles will be over, and then the eternity that my life feels like at the moment will be a tiny drop in an ocean of eternity. Thank God we aren’t reincarnated!! Once is enough for me!
Monday, I start my new job. Even better, I am going to work for the only boss I’ve ever liked enough to maintain a relationship with for years after I stopped working for the company. In fact, she may be the only boss I’ve ever liked, period. The company we worked for laid us off when they relocated Human Resources to Georgia, or we’d both still be there. One of my favorite stories about Kim is that when she hired me permanently, she actually gave me an awesome raise so I’d buy nicer clothes and dress up a little more….lol! I hate dressing up, so I tend to figure any way around a dress code if possible. I’ve actually turned down jobs because of their dress code requirements…I HATE panty hose, high heels and polyester. I am infamous for my passion for jeans, t-shirts, and boots. In the end, I think I bought two skirts and some slacks, but I don’t remember if I ever wore them more than once. And yet, Kim is taking me back! Even after drunk dialing her in the middle of the night last night even! I’m really excited! It’ll feel good to become more independent, plus working will distract my busy, broken brain from my problems for a little while each day… Love you, Kim!
Sorry about my Drunk Post yesterday, and if you’re one of my drunk dialed friends, I’m sorry for that too. Wish I could say it won’t happen again, but why start lying now? We all know I’ll probably do it again. :-) :-)