Tag Archives: writing

Keeping The Blogisphere A Beautiful Place – Very Inspiring Blogger Award

Posted on by Standard 21

I would like to thank blogventer, one of my newer friends, for nominating me for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award!!  I will say, veryinspiringblogaward3though, that I’m pretty sure I’m not “Keeping the Blogisphere a Beautiful Place”. There are some other adjectives that come to mind…  :-) In addition to this award, I was also nominated for the Reality Blog Award awhile back from Water Bearer at Inner Angels and Enemies, and would like to thank her as well. I do appreciate you both thinking of me!

The rules seem pretty much the same for both of these awards, and I don’t follow rules for these things all that closely anyways.

If I nominated 15 people each time I did one of these, I’d never have time for anything else, and that would be 15 writers per award out there secretly cursing my name. I know at least one writer, Paula who has some experience with voodoo dolls, and I don’t like taking the risk.  Admit it, my fellow bloggers! These awards are so flattering and make us feel appreciated and accepted; but by the time we’ve linked back to all our nominations, our will to live has been severely weakened. realityblogaward

So, I’m going to wing it, and try not to bore you with yet another list of random stuff about me. Instead, I’ll share some dirt. Brace yourselves.

Six things about me:

1) I haven’t been writing about dating lately because I have been dating someone I really like, and though he’s read some of my blog, we haven’t discussed how he would feel if I wrote about him.

2) I’ve been torn about taking the parts about Chef out of the blog altogether. On one hand, I feel like people are helped by it, but on the other, even though he did some pretty crappy things, I can’t imagine it feels good to know someone just posted it on the internet. How do you tell a story about something that has so profoundly impacted your life like this has mine,  and yet maintain some of their privacy as well? It’s a slippery slope when you start throwing stones at anyone, despite their guilt.

3) A few months ago, I did actually hit Chef’s girlfriend. It didn’t feel as satisfying as I had imagined it would, but I do feel somewhat of a bad-ass now. I cried about it for days, though, kind of nullifying the Bad-Ass Badge.

4) I’ve had panic attacks thinking about spending the rest of my life with Chef in it, haunting me with glimpses of the happy past.

5) I’ve had panic attacks thinking about the rest of my life without him in it..

6) I’ve had panic attacks when my DVR hasn’t recorded a program I’ve been waiting for all week, so don’t read anything into the panic attacks. :-)

Nominate some blogs:

1) Sex, Spirit, Soul Mates, and Chocolate…Ivonne’s Journey – There are literally dozens of blogs written by people who have lost their marriages that I follow, but Ivonne’s way of coping is so close to mine, she feels like she could be related. Occasionally, she’ll steer me to an article about something I’m going through, and it patches me right back up. I simply love this girl.

2) Hometogo232– One of the things that I had wished I’d had going through all of this was my mother. Despite everything, I wish I could have crawled in her lap and just cried at how rotten things can be sometimes. Diane has more than once made me feel “mother-ed”, and I will always appreciate her gentle words of advice and comfort.

And that’s it, my friends. Thanks again for the recognition!!

– Bird

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Why Do I Write In This Blog?

Posted on by Standard 41

One of my readers, whose site I really enjoy, wrote a somewhat chastising message about my blog being a downer. And I took the day to really think about what he had said, and it led me to the question — Why do I write  this blog?

The answer isn’t completely cut and dry. For instance, when I began writing this blog, it was mainly for my kid’s entertainment and because my husband’s problem left me alone a lot, and I just wanted something to do. Then, when people started showing up here, and then sticking around, I was writing about different, funny things that had happened in my life. I myself love to laugh, and when things in my life are stable and good, I laugh all the time. But, as things in my life got harder and harder, I used this blog to vent, rage, and grieve. Have you ever tried to write something entertaining and funny when you don’t feel it? It doesn’t work, and always falls flat. It seemed though, that the more truth I wrote, even if it was shadowed by the pain and anger of what was going on in my life, the more people seemed to be able to relate, and wanted to share their stories as well. Everyone has a story, and most of us live through something that is hard. Most of us don’t belong to the Noodle Salad Club.

I agree with the comment that my blog has become somewhat hard to read, even for myself, and I am going to try to get back to writing about happier things. Believe it or not, I’m thinking that isn’t going to be all that hard any more. I’ve had a couple of really good days, and though I am still living in a precarious, unstable place in my life, I’m starting to find things to laugh about again. I no longer fear answering my phone, or shiver at every knock on the hotel door. I don’t have any idea what two weeks from now is going to look like, but I have a peace about it anyways. God hasn’t let me down at any point during this whole mess, and I’m kind of excited to see what He’s going to do for my family and me next.

My brother Ernie brought my two cats, Milo and Sebastian, back to me, and I live in a hotel room with two adult kids, two dogs, two cats, and me. I feel like the captain of a warped Noah’s ark. Sebastian, the Siamese cat, is still trying to figure out when the rich family is coming to get him…He’s so stuck up! We spend a lot of time in here, and we’ve actually developed a routine that I’m starting to feel comfortable in.

So, I do apologize for the sad turn that this site has taken, but I won’t apologize for writing the truth about what  is going on in my life, because in the end, this blog has been a catalyst into understanding myself, my feelings about all of this, and a record of each lesson I’m learning through all of this. If it is entertaining or helpful to others, that is a bonus to me, but if it is too much for people to read, I completely understand them walking away. I certainly wish I could have walked away from this whole rotten year…. :-)

Hopefully, tomorrow I can write about some of the dorky things that we do around here to keep ourselves busy, and I hope that you all won’t give up on me just yet. I appreciate all of the people who take the time to return, and frankly, you made my little trip through hell bearable. I do love you all very much!

– Catherine

Lessons In Humility

Posted on by Standard 50

I have a confession to make.

I haven’t written in almost two weeks for two big reasons. One is that I’ve been getting adjusted to working again and had a major

Chef and Bird – Oct 2011 – June 2012

deadline to reach, (which I did, Thank You God), and the other is more emotionally charged. It is because it seems that whenever I write that my marriage is getting better, something happens that throws me a curve ball again, and I feel like I’ve spoken too soon. I know it has nothing to do with what I’m writing, but I started feeling like I was “jinxing” the whole relationship when I write about it!

The whole reaction got me to wondering about why I seem to be such a “black or white” person. It seems to me that I’m either “all in” or “all out”. In the past, before Chef began his Midlife Crisis, a skirmish here or there never felt like it was anything more than what it was — a temporary disagreement. But these days, it seems bigger. It feels like if we don’t see eye-to-eye, I should start looking for an apartment to retreat to. It’s a new feeling to me, and I don’t like it at all. While it would be easier for me to stop talking about all that has happened in 2011 and half of 2012, I feel it would be like throwing away a lot of opportunities to learn things about my own character. And so, I’m going against my fleshly instincts to just pretend this is a Lennon Lost Year, and instead, embrace the very valuable lessons that I, and Chef, have had to learn about ourselves.

The truth of the whole matter is just that even before all of this started, Chef and I have always clashed on some things. It wasn’t World

Ignoring all of this would make all the hard work worthless. I won’t do it.

War III or anything. It was just differing opinions about a few things that neither of us are willing to concede defeat on. But even though it is pretty clear that we are coming out of the Valley of the Shadow of Darkness, nerves are exposed, and until some healing takes place, words and actions must be carefully thought out before delivery. This is something I do way better than old Chef does. :-) I told him that when it comes to decisions, I’m a chess player, and he’s a Tic-Tac-Toe player.

But, as the passage of time has begun to heal up some pretty awful wounds, I’m able to let little things bounce off of me, and he’s doing the same. And because I think satan would really, really hate it, I know I need to keep writing about all of this. It just seems to me that since I started writing and communicating with other people about my God and my marriage, he’s been attacking me on every level of my life I care about. If that isn’t a resounding affirmation I’m on the right track, I don’t know what is.

So, here I go. My marriage is most definitely on the mend. My Chef has been taking all the steps necessary to become well again. He has not slipped up in almost a whole month, and yesterday he apologized to two of our three children about how he has been behaving. A real apology that came from his own broken heart, and it wasn’t because I told him he needed to.  We’ve been spending time together, and he’s making  me laugh again. It seems like I haven’t laughed in a million years.

lol…

He still has some ways to go when it comes to my ability to completely trust him again, but I find that I can relax my guards more and more each day. Even though he and I fall on our faces a lot, we also have learned to get back up and try again. This isn’t a huge big lesson for me…I’ve spent much of my life with my face in the dirt. But for Chef, it has always been easier to walk away from a big mess he’s created and start over somewhere far, far away, instead of embracing the humility that goes along with mistakes, and begin working on fixing that mess. Yet, that is exactly what he is trying to do right now, and frankly, I’ve always been more interested in seeing him at least try to do the right thing, even if he consistently fails. It is the trying I care about more than the succeeding.

Humility is actually a very powerful thing if you think about it. What two words in this world are more powerful than “I’m sorry”? And what words mean less than “I’m sorry but …”? I’ve found in my life that most people I’ve encountered are completely willing to forgive you when true humility and repentance is shown. Everyone who has a crumb of self-awareness knows that we all mess up in this life, and when we deal with someone who has messed up, it is rather easy to forgive when that person admits to their blunders and apologizes for them, with out offering excuses or blame. Why do you think satan tries so very  hard to make us give ourselves and others excuses for our behaviors? It because that dilutes the true beauty of a real apology.

Yesterday, I watched my Chef put my theories on humility and real repentance into action with another person that he had indirectly hurt with all of this, and he got exactly the reaction I thought he would get. Forgiveness. Acceptance. Harmony. Peacefulness. It was kind of an eye-opener for the guy, and it reassured me that God knew what He was doing. He is turning even this disaster area into something that will be a witness to His Glory.

I’m happy right now. I’ve been happy for weeks now. Thank you, Lord. And thank you to all of you who sent me emails and messages making sure I was still alive and kicking out here. I never forgot about you; I just needed to see if things were really on the mend.

TTYL!!

– Bird

 

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Note To Self: Don’t Blog When Drunk, Moron!

Posted on by Standard 69

One thing I’ve learned from having a blog is that I shouldn’t write on it when I’m drunk! And yet, when I take Ambien or on rare occasions, get drunk, that is exactly what I do!! I’ve even left myself notes before not to log on when I’m Ambien-ed out, and I completely ignore myself!!! My subconscious always thinks it knows better than my sane, sober self. Arrogant schmuck!

I rarely get drunk anymore, but the last couple of days sucked, added to the fact that I couldn’t sleep and I felt uncomfortable in my own skin, I decided to drink myself to sleep. I hate the kind of sleep I get from that, but some kind of sleep is better than NO sleep.

BUT not before writing on my blog and drunk dialing a bunch of my friends. :) Thank God they love me….

I’ve been struggling lately about what to write about. I don’t normally live in so much chaos and pain, and I hate spreading those kinds of emotions around or sounding like a cry baby demanding sympathy. I’m usually laid back and pleasant natured, so being angry and fearful feels foreign to me. My teen years were full of pain, fear, anger, and bitterness, and so feeling like this all over again is just horrible. Most days, the Lord does give me some relief, albeit temporary…without those times I’d go crazy. But the battle rages on here every day, and I must admit, I’m really, really tired. Physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted.

But, I’ve also learned that when we are at our weakest, that is when the Lord does His best work. I think when we absolutely know that we are in over our heads and there is no chance we’re going to deliver ourselves, that is when He stills the raging seas of our lives, and we can make no mistake that it was His victory, not ours.

I was able to sleep last night..thanks to vodka… and I’m a bit hungover, but I’m feeling His peace again this morning. There is absolutely no reason for me to feel differently than I did yesterday, which is how I know that God is control of my day.

I have decided that I have to write about my truths, whether they are angry or happy. I’ve never been all that good at masking my emotions, and writing about obese cats or pretending all is wonderful in Bird World isn’t really my cup of tea.  What is the point of me writing a blog if I’m just going to write nonsense stuff that even I don’t like? I don’t lie well at all, and I write non-fiction….

I still have my sense of humor about stuff, but it doesn’t come out much when I’m sad. And lately, my defining emotion has been sadness most of the time. Sad for what is gone forever, and sad about how satan has perverted so many things in my life, and how hard it is just to cope with things other people seem to brush off so effortlessly. People who deal with drama in their lives constantly have my utmost respect…How they can handle the ups and downs of a soap opera life is beyond me…I completely suck at all this drama crap. I like peace and quiet. No yelling, no arguing, no drama whatsoever. And lately, that has not been the ruling atmosphere around me. It blows, but I’m adapting.

That being said, I have my hope placed squarely on the Lord, and that is one thing satan hasn’t been able to touch. My faith never waivers when it comes to Jesus, no matter what is happening in my life. I know that I know that I know, Jesus will save me no matter what. I can say I truly trust the Lord these days and I know He isn’t going to allow me to endure more than I can handle. He’s never let me down, and He isn’t about to start failing me now. One day, all of my struggles will be over, and then the eternity that my life feels like at the moment will be a tiny drop in an ocean of eternity. Thank God we aren’t reincarnated!! Once is enough for me!

Monday, I start my new job. Even better, I am going to work for the only boss I’ve ever liked enough to maintain a relationship with for years after I stopped working for the company. In fact, she may be the only boss I’ve ever liked, period. The company we worked for laid us off when they relocated Human Resources to Georgia, or we’d both still be there. One of my favorite stories about Kim is that when she hired me permanently, she actually gave me an awesome raise so I’d buy nicer clothes and dress up a little more….lol! I hate dressing up, so I tend to figure any way around a dress code if possible. I’ve actually turned down jobs because of their dress code requirements…I HATE panty hose, high heels and polyester.  I am infamous for my passion for jeans, t-shirts, and boots. :-)  In the end, I think I bought two skirts and some slacks, but I don’t remember if I ever wore them more than once. And yet, Kim is taking me back! Even after drunk dialing her in the middle of the night last night even! I’m really excited! It’ll feel good to become more independent, plus working will distract my busy, broken brain from my problems for a little while each day… Love you, Kim!

Sorry about my Drunk Post yesterday, and if you’re one of my drunk dialed friends, I’m sorry for that too. Wish I could say it won’t happen again, but why start lying now? We all know I’ll probably do it again.  :-)  :-)

– Bird

 

lol…It has actually occurred to me to spike ole Chef’s drink with an ambien, but with my luck, he’d be allergic or die or something horrible and I’d go to prison forever and ever. Not.Worth.It. :-( Rotten man. He sleeps like a baby no matter what is going on.. Must be nice.

 

A Child of the ’80′s

Posted on by Standard 13
Rock of Ages (musical)

Rock of Ages (musical) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So, I went with my friend Vickey to see Rock of Ages, and while there were mixed reviews from various friends of mine, I have to say that I laughed quite a bit through it. Man, did it remind me of growing up in the 80′s! Plus, corny as it may be, I love musicals. Across the Universe is still my favorite, but I really enjoyed this one too.

The main female character was from Tulsa, Oklahoma..where I live now, and I must say that she did us proud. :-) The main male character looked like he was related to Matthew McConaughey…Vickey couldn’t see the resemblance, but as a devout Matthew McConaughey fan, I’m sure I’m right, and she was just not trying hard enough.

My favorite thing about the movie though, was simply the music. Say whatever you want, but there was something magical about music back in the ’80′s, even if it isn’t cool to admit it these days. What wasn’t cool about the ’80′s, though, was how we dressed. Seriously, what were we thinking?? Thank God I was too poor to afford half of the weirdo stuff people were wearing back then….But, I did have the enormous hair…  On rainy days, I still do… :-)

All in all, I’ve had the best couple of days I’ve had in months, and I am enjoying the peace I’ve been feeling lately. I started my book, and it is actually coming a long smoothly. I plan to get back into my writing schedule again tomorrow. I’ve missed all of you!

– Bird