Tag Archives: YouTube

Burning Bridges Over Polluted Rivers

Posted on by Standard 17

It’s been kind of a long week, but I have to admit I am feeling pretty peaceful.

It seems to me that each time I’ve interacted with Chef, I’ve lost some of that “loving feeling”. Which in my case, is a good thing. I’ve noticed that he even looks

Sometimes, you just have to let it all go. Some things aren’t worth saving.

different to me, and after all of the lies, the affairs, the blatant way he has been using the few(two, if you count me) people left in his life, I have to ask myself — Do you really want to fix this mess, Catherine? And I’m okay with the answer. No. I don’t. Not at all.

I’ve always used the cliché “don’t burn your bridges”, but I’ve never really thought about just what that means. I imagine this life I had as a river.  The bridge and the river that runs underneath it are mutually individuals, but without one, the other doesn’t matter. This marriage’s river is polluted by drug abuse, infidelity, broken promises, broken dreams, broken children, lies, deceit, disrespect, and a million other bad things. Why would I want to try to patch this bridge up? The river is ruined…forever.  No. I’m okay with it burning right to the ground.

I believe anyone who wants to can change, and I don’t doubt that God loves Chef and wants him to come to Him for help and healing. But that isn’t my job, and I’ve found that the more I’ve tried to help, the worse I get hurt because Chef’s meth-ed out brain has become a labyrinth of justifications, accusations, and excuses for some really horrific behavior. He seems oblivious to the truth and seems to happily live in his bubble of lies. I don’t understand it, and frankly, I don’t want to. And just being around him for a little while is enough to bring out the very worst pain I’ve ever felt. I’m okay with never seeing him again. In fact, I find that preferable. I’m on day 3 of no contact, and I’m finding it easier to breathe. I went hours today without even once thinking about him. I made plans this weekend with friends, have kind of started my Christmas list for the kids, and have enjoyed my animals. Milo broke his hip earlier this week and it was touch and go if he would make it or not, but thank the Lord, he’s going to be a little lame from the deformed hip bone, but he’ll heal up just fine. I have a ton of beautiful things in my life starting with my patient, precious children, real, loyal friends, and running all the way down to my broken cat. I’m actually happy as I sit here typing this. I know bad days will come again, but they don’t seem to take my breath away anymore, and while I know I’ve developed a bit of an edge, I’m assured by a high school friend that I always had one anyways…lol. Thanks for that, Scott. :-) I know God will teach  me a million more lessons through all of this, but today’s was pretty cool …. He was always there; He always cared; This breaks His heart too; but I’ll be fine. I can still find things to laugh about every day, and turns out, it was never Chef that gave me that…It was God. So, today, I have hope. A lot of HOPE!!

On a whim, I bought City on a Hill: Songs of Worship, and this song really touched me. I’m one of God’s stubborn children, and I have to admit that there have been times in all of this that I was afraid He would give up on me. My behavior hasn’t been exemplary by any means at times. There have been days I didn’t feel Him around, and I just wanted to know He still cared; that He hadn’t forgotten this one child’s heart-break. Turns out, He was there all along, because if He hadn’t been, I’d either be dead or in jail for taking ole Chef out of the game of life. The bond of marriage to someone for decades doesn’t unravel easily, and this has really sucked. But, it is loosening, and I’m optimistic it will be severed completely soon. Happy Days!! I included the lyrics to this song because they touched me. I hope you YouTube it and listen. It strikes a chord in a broken child of God’s heart.

 

– Bird

You’re Here – Sixpence None The Richer

My life is up and it is down
I try to keep both feet on the ground
Your love is all that gets me through
All I need on this earth is you

And I can hear your voice reciting:
“I’m here, I’m closer than your breath
I’ve conquered even death
I am still here
And just like I was then
You can’t remember when I was not here”

Jesus, you’re the author of my heart
Told me you wanted every part
And now my life and its demands
Are resting safety in your hands

And I can hear your voice inviting:
“I’m here,
I’ll never leave your side
My stubborn weary child
I am still here
Please let me lead you on
Your race is already won
I am your God”

And I can hear your voice inviting:
“I’m here,
I’ll never leave you side
My stubborn weary child
I am still here
Please let me lead you on
Your race is already won
I am…I am…your God”

 

A Long Way To Letting Go

Posted on by Standard 25

Being alone so much, I have a lot of time to think. In the beginning of this disaster, that wasn’t such a good thing. But lately, without the clouds of so much painful, angry emotions, I find a lot of time to look back and learn from this whole process. One thing that I think about a lot lately is how much this has changed me. At first, I wanted to believe that one day I’d go back to normal…be the same person I was before. But as time marches on, I’m thinking that you can’t unlearn what you already know. And the truth is, I know too much. I know that words are no good without actions behind them to back them up. I know that anyone is capable of betraying those they love, and that we are all experts at deceiving ourselves into believing whatever we want. I’ve learned that you can’t un-break a heart, or take back angry words, or rewrite the past. What is done is done. You can only go forward.

I’ve been told by a lot of people now that there is something different about me. Most of the time, they can’t seem to put their finger on it, but deep inside, I know what it is. I have an edge to me that wasn’t there before. I’ve noticed that I’m walking a fine line between forgiveness, anger, and bitterness. I don’t want to be a bitter person, but I have to admit, I’m a rather angry one at the moment. I do believe that God is working on me, and His Will will come to pass in me. But at the moment, I fight hourly with the urge to throw something across the room, normally seconds after hearing from Chef. And yet, that anger seems to creep up on me, and I don’t sense it beneath the surface like I did so much over the last year. Which, to me, is the worst kind of anger. As days go by, though, I’m careful to not allow myself to dwell in that state of mind long, and I’m getting better at controlling my emotions. But I have to admit…it is really exhausting.

Today hasn’t been bad at all. Even things that would normally trigger that sadness or anger haven’t been able to pierce my good mood, and as I sit here writing, I’m listening to the traffic going down my street and the voices of my neighbors as they call out to each other, and I’m peaceful. Really, really peaceful. I’m content and happy right at this moment.

I found this song that is just beautiful by Maria Hines, and I loved the lyrics so I thought I’d share them with you. You should pull up her video on YouTube. I think you’ll like it. Thank you for all your kind remarks and comments. And thank you for your prayers and advice. I know you are all right..There is no reconciliation for me right now. I’m learning who I am now, and it wouldn’t be fair to anyone to try to be in a relationship just yet. Even with Chef. I’m no fool. :-)

A Long Way To Letting Go

Funny how the little things

Can stake a claim in memory

And cheat time to last a hundred years
I swore that I’d be strong enough

To drop my heart and pick it up

And make the great escape without a tear
I’m So naive…
And I hold my breath a little too long

And you were quick to carry on

And I’m learning in the afterglow

It’s a long way……

A long way to letting go
Waiting on eventually

Where you’ll become my history

And I’ll begin to rebuild the wall

I’ll forget to mention you

And wish that you were lonely too

And never ache, missing your call
I’m so naive
And I hold my breath a little too long

And you were quick to carry on

And I’m learning in the afterglow

It’s a long way……

A long way to letting go
Was looking easier ideally

And I falter at my hesitation’s end

Close my eyes as I begin the countdown,

Reach for breath, I’m counting down

But I hesitate at ten.

And I hold my breath a little too long

And you were quick to carry on

And I’m learning in the afterglow

It’s a long way…..A long way to letting go
Read more: MARIE HINES – LONG WAY TO LETTING GO LYRICS

Hope – by Bekkie

Posted on by Standard 4

I have always been aware that I was one day going to die. I don’t know where the knowledge came from, only that it was there, ever on the edge of my mind. As a child, this knowledge manifested itself in a serious countenance, tinged with anger. As a teenager, it took the form of a kind of reckless spontaneity. As an adult, I believe God gave me a gift. I truly understand that I am already dead. I am walking around in eternity as we speak. Anything I gain or lose here on earth is incidental.

“Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth. For you are dead, and your life is hid with Christ in God.” Col 3:2-3

So then the question becomes, how do I spend my time, since I’m dead already? I feel like I’ve mostly been twiddling my thumbs, waiting for the end. The bible says in everything give thanks, for this is the will of our Father for you. So then, learn how to give thanks in adversity and in peace. I can do that. For the most part, I don’t get too worked up anyways. Because, you know, I’m going to die, so it doesn’t really matter. But that doesn’t address the problem of specifics. Should I sign myself up to be shipped out to preach the gospel to the heathens? Should I walk the streets with a milk crate, from which I might shout out warnings of the upcoming end to passersby? Should I get a job at Wal-Mart bringing in shopping carts, and use my income to fund the acquisition of four walls to call home?

I really have no idea.

I don’t hear from God on this. I’ve only recently begun to learn how to hear from him at all. We’ve been battling radio silence from the beginning. I don’t trust stray thoughts to be from him. Now I know I have heard from him twice for sure. Neither time did he address the problem of what to do with my body. Only my heart. When I find out what the body’s meant to do, I’ll be very grateful. As it is, I have no home, no job, little education, and my belonging fit in a trunk, none of which I couldn’t live without. I’m starting to think that my sojourn here is going to be uncomfortable at best.

– Bekkie

My New Appreciation For Facebook Communication Techniques

Posted on by Standard 51

Does any one else remember when Facebook first came out? I had been using MySpace for a while by that time, but several of my friends had said they’d moved over to Facebook instead because it was more about the mature communication there as opposed to dumb little cliché quotes and YouTube Videos. …

I think it would be safe to say that isn’t the case anymore.

 

I have 215 “friends” on Facebook, and am seriously no longer to able to keep up with every single thing people write on the Wall, so I’ve come to actually appreciate the pithiness of some of these posters.

 

For instance, one of my friends is having a hard time with someone else today:

One of them is feeling a bit insecure about her body image:

This one I have no idea what she is conveying. She’s a Biker Chick, but I think this cartoon is actually ridiculing bikers:

This friend is feeling deep and philosophical about love, which for some reason is completely annoying me:

And some are doing their little part to spread the Good News:

Now, when it comes to Facebook, I don’t write too much. My Facebook Page is mostly links to this blog and an occasional conversation with someone that they initiated. I’ve always resisted using little cutesy pictures with witty nuggets of wisdom like above, but I think today,  I’d jump on the train and post how I’ve been feeling for the last couple of days:

 

 

– Bird

 

Jealousy

Posted on by Standard 20

I’ve recently made friends with a womanizer. Don’t worry, the friendship didn’t begin with any shenanigans, so I don’t need a phone call, Mom :) .

In case you didn't guess, this is the Green Eyed Monster...

This friendship has become the source of some pretty valuable insight into the male mind. Maybe into the dating mind in general, I don’t know yet. Anyways, we had a conversation about jealousy. Apparently this guy likes to take his girlfriends around his ex-girlfriends to make them jealous. When they get jealous, he says, then he knows they care. I realized that I had seen this same scenario many times, I just hadn’t realized that was the aim. To reveal the other party’s emotional attachment. It makes sense. If someone gets jealous, then yes, it means they want to keep you. But it also means they think they can lose you. They don’t trust you, in fact.

So I present to him a theory. Perhaps jealousy is a step down from courtesy. This guy believes that, with social equality and all that, women should open their own doors and pay for their own shit. Maybe they should. But if you want someone to know you care, you should do small things like that to show them you care. I saw a stooped, white-haired man open the car door for his equally stooped, equally white-haired wife, and help her into the car before circling and getting in himself. My dad does the same for my mom. My sister’s boyfriend buys her-and himself-mementos from their outings, to remember the day. The difference between these two approaches is that one leaves you vulnerable, making you the first to show you care, while the other forces someone to let you know.

This is all theoretical. I myself have only been jealous once, in high school. It didn’t feel nice, though. I remember it still, like an illness. It ruined my day, that spurt of jealousy. I haven’t felt it since, even though there has been occasion for it to be reasonable. I guess I just don’t feel threatened most of the time. If people can glean some happiness, even if it costs me a few sad moments, then go for it. Having learned of that tactic, though, I now wonder if maybe that isn’t part of the problem with society today. It’s okay to this guy that he intentionally hurts these girls, just so he knows something he should have already known. And the part of him that does this is something equally hurt from some other painful thing, brought on by another broken person.

What I’m saying is, Try a Little Tenderness…

– Bekkie