The last two years in the military have taught me a few things. 1) Cuss words are just sentence enhancers… they aren’t necessary, but they do emphasize the emotions in which you wish to convey. 2) You won’t always like your bosses and sometimes quitting isn’t an option. And 3) I really dislike military dependents. If you don’t know what a dependent is, its basically a human leech that affixes itself to a military member and then projects an almost admirable sense of self entitlement.
This post is about that last one. Yesterday, while minding my own business, I decided to go running after work.
Little did I know that on this day my track would be inhabited by all of the dependopotamus’, but their spawns as well. Apparently they were having an ‘Eggstraviganza’ for Easter and had reserved the bottom floor of the Weasel’s den for the evening.
No big deal, I’m headed to the second floor and am only passing through. Or so I thought. Apparently this was an Airman Volunteer Opportunity and probably the bitchiest woman I have ever encountered in my life stopped me on my way through the throng of children. “I thought I told you to put more Gatorade out of the spouses while they were running. Why is this table empty?” I know this face, this woman is the wife of an officer in OG.
“Excuse me?” The look on my face could wilt flowers.
“Did I stutter? Should I go talk to your Commander?” I would have thrown down right there, but lets be honest, if this woman sat on me I’d probably break. She has at least 200 lbs on me, for whatever reason once these women get married they give up on fitness and start gaining weight like its a personal goal.
“Ma’am, I’m on my way to the track. I don’t work here.” Good girl. Stay nice.
“I don’t care who your are. Do you know who I am? Go get the spouses Gatorade.”
My dad will like this one, ” I’d like to, I wanted to, in fact, I almost did… but then… you asked.” I side stepped the Gorgon and kept on my merry way.
“Don’t you walk away from me! I want your name and rank right now!” She looked like trying to keep up with my light gait was the most exercise she had done since the 90s.
It was this moment where MY Commander saw this woman chasing after me and asked me what was going on. Before I could reply, the woman started in on how disrespectful I was being etc.etc. She was shushed and then she asked me again what was going on. “Sorry Lt Col Jost, I was headed to the track to time my run when this lady stopped me accusing me of not following her orders, then demanded, even though I’m not volunteering at this function, to set up refreshments. I don’t even know where to get what she is asking for and I have places to be after I leave here.”
This moment will live in my memory as a glorious moment in life. “Its a good thing you are my airman, in my squadron, and under my command. Its nice to see that you are taking your PT seriously. I’m sorry that happened to you. Please, go ahead. You don’t have to be here.”
The woman looked like my Commander slapped her in the face. But since my Lt Col out ranks her Maj husband she couldn’t say a damn thing.
And so ends the story. I would like to say not all dependents are like that, because truly not all of them are, but a lot of them are. In 4 years I hope to see less of them… but for now its unavoidable. I feel bad for the poor saps who married these monsters.