Shame’s Destruction And How Satan Almost Won

Do You Believe in Shame?
Do You Believe in Shame? (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This is a hard post for me to write, but for the last several hours, and even in my sleep, it keeps coming up, so I’m just going to write it, and have faith that it will mean something to someone. Rebekkah, you probably won’t want to read this one…

When I was molested as a girl (12), it set into motion a ton of painful things. Children are not physically designed to have sex. They aren’t mature enough to deal with all of the powerful emotions that this act creates.On top of this, this trauma physically changes the brain of the person that it is happening to. Β So, Β a child that is introduced to it too early, and unwillingly, basically has their life derailed from that point on. And it was no different for me. There are libraries of books, and a ton of websites, not to mention specific blogs, dedicated to the after-effects that sexual trauma to children wreaks on these now-adult people’s lives. So, I’m certainly not going to be able to sum it all up in one little article on my little site. Instead, I’m only going to discuss one particularly hard part of this experience that I ended up having to completely depend on Jesus to heal. And that was the shame.

Shame is a complex emotion if you really think about it. There is the good kind of shame, which any person with a conscience should have. If you steal an old woman’s purse on a bus, and you feel shame right afterward, then, good. You should feel ashamed of yourself. But then, there is the bad shame. And this is the shame that makes you ashamed of who you are, not what you’ve done.

The first time this person molested me, my mind went into shock. There was a numbness that I would never be able to convey to anyone who has never had this happen to them. It is like my very soul was screaming, knowing that nothing would be the same again, and yet my mind was strangely silent. But my body responded to what was happening to me, and that was just unforgivable to me. I was being betrayed by my own self. You can get away from anything in the whole world, but never yourself.

Later that first night, alone, in shock, devastated, and feeling dirty and used, I couldn’t even cry. In fact, it took me days, maybe even a week, to come out of the fog of what had happened to me. And the one thought that kept ringing over and over in my mind was that my body had betrayed me. That I had to be a whore that deserved this. I threw up every time I thought of it, and to this very day, I still get sick to my stomach when I think about those feelings of shame.

The shame, introduced to me at the age of 12, never lessened at all as I grew up. Derailed, but still a teenager, I would have an occasional crush, but I mainly kept them to myself. I was terrified that one of these boys would actually like me back, because I knew I could never really be close to them…I had a secret to protect. I couldn’t let on that I was so horrible…

My first boyfriend in high school, Shane (not his real name), was kind of a lesson in how this was all going to go for me. Shane was a normal, nice guy….my first introduction to “bad” boys..ha, ha. He had a band, and I simply fell in love when I heard him sing “I Wear My Sunglasses At Night”. But, as soon as he was officially my boyfriend, I could feel myself tighten up, withdraw, withhold.I didn’t really want him to touch me, or kiss me, or anything. I know it sounds strange, but I wanted to be loved, but not touched. I simply didn’t trust my own body..I didn’t want him to find out that I was dirty and shameful. And eventually, it died out, because I just couldn’t deal with my own self-image, and what I was portraying to him was an illusion that I couldn’t maintain.

This experience rang true in every relationship that I had until the one I’m in right now. And even this one suffered quite a bit due to my inability to deal with my horror at my own reaction to being molested. It wasn’t until I came clean to my husband now about why I had such a hard time with intimacy that I was actually able to begin the long, hard road to reprogramming my own self image.

As Jesus does with all of His children, He started to lead me out of the shame by first pointing out that God designed our bodies for this sort of activity, and it had not been a sin for my body to respond. Next, He pointed out that only one person in this little hideous activity was sinning, and that this particular sin was abhorrent enough to the Lord that it had a specialΒ vehemence in the Bible…A millstone, a neck, and the deepest part of the ocean are all involved. That is how much Jesus grieved these sorts of things happening to children.

Next, I had to embrace the fact that the blood of Christ washes away the most foul of sins, and was indeed powerful enough to cleanse me. That done, I had to forgive myself. Even though I hadn’t been guilty of anything, my own mind had judged my body and found it guilty. I had to grant a pardon to my body, and then let it go.

After forgiving myself, I found it easier to forgive the molester, and all these years later, I can honestly say that I have completely forgiven both him, and myself. I do want to say, though, that physical intimacy is an area that I continue to struggle with even to this day. But, it is only a shadow of what it once was, and sometimes serves to remind me of just how far I’ve come since this all first happened to me.

Now that I’ve written this painful thing, I’m going to go in my room, cry, pray, and go to sleep and never read it again.

— Bird

Advertisements

Author: Catherine aka "Bird"

Marketing Specialist Recruiter Freelance Writer Blogger

47 thoughts on “Shame’s Destruction And How Satan Almost Won”

  1. My prayer is you put this completely behind you now. Life is hard enough without having to carry a burden like this. We love you Bird and we know how hard that was to share with us.

    Father, I ask for your hand of comfort and peace be placed on Bird’s heart. Fill her with joy and happiness once again. Calm her wounded soul and light her candle so that it shines brighter than ever. I ask this in Jesus name, Amen

    Like

  2. i know that from my blogging and sharing with you, my friends, it has begun healing processes, i didn’t know needed healed. it has also brought up a special place in my mind, that has been hidden from almost all people but one of my children.so i am thinking that even though this was painful for you to write, it, too was part of the continuing healing for youself. I praise god for the progress that has been made in your life. it also brings an ache through out my entire body as the hidden secret within myself starts to rise to the surface. i don’t like this feeling, so i will quit while i am ahead. thank u for sharing with me

    Like

    1. Thank you, Terry, for understanding. I wrote in a journal to get the poison out, but occasionally, I feel the need to address some of this stuff here. πŸ™‚

      Like

    2. In my depressed state, i missed your last statement. Terry, these things are poisonous. They have to come out, or they will kill you. And I can also promise you that once it has seen the light of day, it loses that incredible power over us. It becomes smaller when all of our deepest, darkest fears are not realized. Satan is the author of it, and he is a liar.

      I’m really sorry I missed your statement. i’ll be more careful!

      — Bird

      Like

  3. Wonderfully candid post Bird! Thank you for giving words and understanding to a subject far too many try to forget. Now that efchristie has prayed the prayer of petition and faith, I say be strong in the Lord and in His power…for He will sustain you in those times doubt creeps in! Blessings to you and yours!

    Sebastian

    Like

  4. Your post is so honest. God restores what man tries to destroy. Our lives have similar paths but like you, the love of a good man can help the healing process. I pray you to continue to thrive and become the woman God has called you to be.

    Like

  5. The feeling of shame is one that can really eat away at us if we are not careful. I’m glad that you allowed God in to help and heal..and are still allowing Him to work..it’s not easy..I know.
    I hope you realise that sharing these things..you are helping and healing someone out here also..You are awesome Bird..*hugs*

    Like

  6. Awesome post! I thank God that He gave you the boldness to share such personal details of your life. Because of you I know that many will realize that they do not struggle alone with their “secret shame”. May God continue to bring healing to you.

    Like

    1. Thank you so much. I truly hate writing about that chapter in my life, but I felt that it was something Jesus wanted said. I appreciate your kind words!

      Like

  7. Thank you, Bird, for sharing such a heartfelt and life altering experience.The most intimate times in our lives, can be our most glorious testimonies of God’s grace and glory to others.

    God bless you.

    Like

  8. As hard as I’m sure it is to think about that time in your life, much less share it with others, I agree with Tahlitha and the others. You may never know what impact your words may have on someone in despair. Thank you for allowing the Holy Spirit to lead you.

    “But you are a shield around me, O LORD; you bestow glory on me and lift up my head.”

    Like

  9. Oh Bird, I love your level of obedience to Him, to write about this, and the peace He gave you after you did. Wonderful example to us who keep to ourselves something that we think is shameful. Something else came to mind, and it’s how the enemy feeds us a lie about these things, that we should be ashamed when we shouldn’t and that we shouldn’t tell anyone, when if we do, we are helped and others too. Love and prayers!

    Like

    1. Thank you so much, Debbie! I really value your kind words, especially about this particular subject. πŸ™‚ I hate talking about it, but Jesus is faithful…I am peaceful once more.

      Like

      1. I did,! it’s at my blog spot. And know that you and a few other special people are the inspiration behind many of my poetic pauses. Thank you very much for just being, Bird.

        Like

    1. I think you are right. They don’t feel so heavy today…Thanks for sharing your own personal story..I know how painful this is to even acknowledge…

      Like

  10. Thank-you for your openness, honesty, and emotional vulnerability. You know, I just Commented on another Post that we were made for Love, by Love, etc. And that is who you are: a woman with an unimaginably immense capacity to give and receive Love. I’m glad that you have opened your Heart to the wonderful treasures that Jesus wants to give you. I’m glad that you are able to speak about your traumas, and realize that, while you have born the consequences of this man’s actions, the shame is not yours.

    Like

    1. Thank you for the nice compliment. It took me a really, really long time to even understand the problem, but I did eventually come out of it. But there was a lot of wasted time.. 😦

      Like

  11. This post hits home. I truly appreciate you writing it and it furthers my determination to protect children from such attrocities. Your soul is clearly a very beautiful one and I hope that you find peace. *sends you happy vibes*

    Like

    1. Thank you for the Happy Vibes…lol! I am pretty sure that God was behind that piece…I kept waking up over and over with the words right there, and when I wrote it..which I really, really didn’t want to do, I actually felt peaceful. I’ve gotten some messages from readers that say that they needed to hear that, so I guess once again, God knows what He is doing. Thanks for checking out my site!! I appreciate it…

      Like

      1. No problem! It’s true. Sometimes there’s stuff you don’t want to do but it’s totally the right thing to do! This post has the potential to change lives, provide strength, and help in healing. Through pain there is togetherness πŸ™‚

        Like

        1. I agree, and when I was writing it, I was thinking that I wish someone had written something like this for me to read 20 years ago. It really would have made a difference to me. So, I am happy that some people seemed genuinely helped by it. I would consider the whole painful morning after I wrote it totally worth it!

          Like

  12. Oh my goodness Bird, that was brave! (To write about your pain, I mean) I cannot imagine what it must have been like as a child to have to suffer through the emotional turmoil this caused. You know, I get SO upset when I hear things like this! I want people who does things like that to suffer beyond anything I can imagine… You are one strong human being! Good luck in conquering the last bits of the after-effects, and God bless! πŸ™‚

    Like

  13. Bird,
    What courage and strength to share something so painful. But truly you are blessing me and so many others in letting them know that paralyzing shame is not something for any child of God to exist in forever. I am praying for you as your wonderful journey of life continues. Press on to the kingdom.

    Like

Feel free to leave a comment.

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s