I’m A Casualty In My Husband’s War Against Time

Triumphant Achilles: Achilles dragging the dea...
Triumphant Achilles: Achilles dragging the dead body of Hector in front of the gates of Troy.details (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’m a casualty in my husband Chef’s War Against Time, and I’m the one who gave him the gun, loaded the ammunition, and stood in the line of fire.

I was going to write about my husband, Chef today, and how the man is making me insane with his moody, mid-life crisis, his methods he’s chosen to “heal” himself of his fears of aging with, and the general disarray that happens during those parts of a relationship that you have to decide to stand strong through, even when every thing in you wants to run away and hide or hire a hitman. Add into it that your partner is just metaphorically lying on the ground in the fetal position, sucking his thumb, refusing to participate, and you make for a pretty un-happy relationship, even for people who truly love each other like Chef and I do.

The problem was that while I wanted  to say all this stuff about Chef and his stupid War Against Time, I also didn’t want anyone to agree with me or say anything bad about Chef. I wanted to vent about the unfairness of things right now,  but then kick any one else’s ass if they tried to make me feel better by even hinting that Chef was anything but magnificent. How do you like that for a Catch-22?? Nothing like setting a trap for people to wander into! I’m just not going to do that. It would have just been a diversion from the truth, for me. The truth is that while God is merciful with me to amazing degrees, He is letting me reap a garden of crap I’ve been sowing in my own marriage, and in my precious husband’s relationship with his God for a long time now. I’m getting a sound spiritual spanking…

About six months ago, when all of this nonsense started to rear its ugly head in Chef’s mind, the Lord showed me in the early morning hours that I was getting ready to enter a dark period in my marriage. He awoke me from a sound sleep…something He has rarely ever done in my life. His message was extremely, and terrifyingly clear and direct — stay out of His way. He and Chef were going to go through something together. If I tried to help, I would make things worse. Me being me, though, there have been times that sheer panic has made me try to ease my own fears by attempting to mitigate just a little bit…And true to His word, I’m finding  that every time I’ve tried to interfere with whatever is going on with Chef even in the tiniest way, the situation will veer completely out of my control. And in ways I would never have imagined. And for a girl who can usually kind of predict which direction a situation is probably going to take, this is very unnerving and scary..God just isn’t going to let me control this, and that’s that. Period.

And here is why I’m being spanked by God:

It occurs to me that my husband, though a Christian, has not spiritually matured much over all of these years like a child of God is supposed to, and I am the one that is mainly responsible for that. He used to teasingly call me God’s favorite, which I’ve always hated. Right there should have been the first clue to me. But I can be blind to what I don’t want to see, same as anyone else. Chef never really has read much of the bible depending instead on me to find what he passingly is looking for, and he is rarely ever showing any hunger for the word of God. All the bible stories have been told to him by me, or he learned in Catholic school as a small child.. The few times that we’ve prayed together, I did most of the talking, and he would just say “amen”. Prayers he would like made are given to me to handle, like paying the electric bill. In other words, I am responsible for inserting myself into His relationship with the Lord, and maintaining control of it. I’ve encouraged Chef to depend on me, and now that he is in the midst of a storm in life that puts me on the opposing side of his decisions, he doesn’t know how to take care of himself. Spiritually, he’s like a newborn babe. Yes. I blew it. My intentions were right, and my motivations were okay for the most part, but I know better than to meddle in other people’s relationships, and yet I did just that in my husband’s most important one. I have this guilt in me that most of this horror show that is going on with my Chef is God’s trying to forge a personal relationship with His son that I never allowed to happen. He’s having to break down spiritual bones and reset them in Chef. I caused this discipline to have to be administered.

I can see that the Lord is dealing with Chef…without my help…and I can also see that He wants me focused on writing, getting closer to Him, and most of all, trusting that God knows how to handle His own business with His child that He loves. The Lord wants me to feel powerless in this because I’ve spent all these years struggling to maintain all the power in every relationship that could hurt me, but this time I’m just going to have to trust the Lord. It is one thing to say you trust God; it is a whole different one to have to actually do it, especially with something that is so precious to you.

Hard, hard lesson for me. Trust is just the Achilles‘s Heel in my life. It doesn’t come easy, and can rapidly vanish at the whisper that I might be hurt beyond what I can recover from. It took me a decade to trust that this man Chef wasn’t going to hurt me like all the rest, and now here’s God asking me to sacrifice that hard-earned security and stability, like Abraham was asked to do with his son? My flesh is just in agony over releasing my control over this situation. See, people, I can suck on a daily basis, just like anyone else. I will never “arrive” to the point that there isn’t yet another shortcoming God will deal with me about. That is what life is. Like gold, I am being refined by fire, and it will continue this way until I am completed and called home. Happiness doesn’t outweigh God’s purposes. Neither does stability, security, and all the other things we desire from life. He’ll break us to save us.

He never said that any of this was going to be easy.

As usual, I’ll have to defer to God’s will in this, but I think this is the hardest lesson I’ve had to go through in my life. And yes, I include my sad childhood in that equation.

There is great mercy and peace for me here, too, though. I will say this one thing — I don’t know that I’ve ever heard God’s voice more clearly than I did those six months ago, and over this dark time, I keep thinking that it was kind of God to tell me to prepare for this battle, and to even show me how to not completely mess up the whole plan by just doing what I always do. To me, His mercy shows through by His clear warning and His clear directions on what I should be doing myself through all of this. Most of the attacks from satan, I don’t receive warnings beforehand. My orders were simple yet excruciating:  I had a specific order to be quiet. I was told to not take these things to heart personally, not to preach to or at him, pray alone for him, and to be only gentle, merciful, compassionate. slow to anger but quick to forgive. I was to set boundaries about what I would be drawn into, but not to manipulate him in to confrontations because I want to vent some of my own angers and insecurities, and to stay away from being sucked into his moods. I was, and am, to simply wait..

And the hardest part is that God has made no promises to me about the condition my marriage will be left in when He has accomplished His will..I am a girl who likes assurances, and He isn’t making any, except that I have to trust Him. Period….Nothing like God telling you to shut your mouth, He doesn’t need your help, and to blindly trust that everything is going to be okay. Seriously, God? Are you trying to make my head explode??

But, today again, that is exactly what I’m doing. Maybe I write so much because God is just keeping me out of His way, and giving me an outlet to focus on so I don’t drive my husband, my God, and myself absolutely twonkers over this new crappy development. I hope I can keep thinking of enough stuff to write about, because the journey doesn’t look like it going to be over any time soon… 🙂

— Bird

Satan’s Favorite Drug Ever – Meth (When it all fell apart just months after I wrote this post)

The Devil Made Him Do It (When all the emotions finally calmed down, I felt a little differently than I had before)

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Author: Catherine aka "Bird"

Marketing Specialist Recruiter Freelance Writer Blogger

79 thoughts on “I’m A Casualty In My Husband’s War Against Time”

  1. God, in His mercy lays us all bare at times. The simplest prayer – Thy will be done – can keep us out of trouble – if we pay attention. Mid-life crisis, hormone levels . . . how life can turn on a dime. You’ve chosen to write about your pain in a way so many women can relate to, and will thank you for doing so.

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    1. Thank you, trailblazer1. I appreciate your encouragement and kind words. I hope it does help someone out there…it’ll be like a little good is coming out of all this darkness.

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    1. lol..I only tend to do this butting-in thing in my marriages… both of them..Not even that much with my kids. And not much with the rest of mankind. It isn’t the feeling of being superior or powerful that makes me do this…it is the fear that I may not really be able to trust this person, or that left to his own devices, he’ll say or do something that will be too much for me to recover from…Ah, my broken brain rears it’s head again…lol. . I have a complicated history with adults, but mainly with men and I just keep a part of myself protected. I wasn’t pleased at all when I realized that Chef had snuck into the secret places of my heart…lol. I was downright panicked. But, it is still a process of healing for me too. I’ll get it…eventually I always catch on.. :’)

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  2. It seems as we are both being tested. Regardless of who is testing us, it still sucks potatoes. For a control freak such as myself, standing on the sideline completely out of control is terrifying. I think you share this trait with me. Thinking of you and sending you strength – even if it isn’t much I can offer…

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    1. I disagree — your well wishes and commiseration are very valuable to me. I figured you’d understand exactly what i was trying to convey…we abuse survivors are a control-freaky, trust-barren group of people, right? I’ll get through this, like everything else, and I’m move on to the next drama..I will give up the day after I die.. The poor man has no real idea just how stubborn his wife really is.. 🙂 In fact, he mentioned yesterday that I may be the most stubborn human he’s ever met… Cool bean.

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      1. Everything seems to be both a cursing and a blessing. The very things that made us survive our abuse is also what’s hindering us when it comes to interacting with good and normal people. Take trust and faith – and control. We both had zero control over our abuse so we over-compensate until we steamroll every single person around us till they are very flat pancakes on the ground.

        Our abilities served us well at some point, and are woven into our very fabrics. Almost impossible to rid oneself of. I think you will do just fine. You are a wise woman and if your wisdom fails you’ll always have your sense of humor and faith in God. And me. For now I can only contribute by volunteering to appear on Jerry Springer wearing nothing but my thong.

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              1. Come on, we’re appearing on Jerry Springer. How awed do you think the world will be? Lol. I somehow doubt that an appearance on JS is a stamp of quality. But it will be pretty awesome! I am going to bedazzle my thong so no one will see my flabby butt for all the sparkles.

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                  1. Think of it as your life preserver. You know, in case you fall over-board. It prevents you from sinking… omg… I’m laughing as I’m picturing this. What is wrong with me???

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                    1. I’m laughing too. If the world ever floods, I can use my belly fat to float peacefully at the top of the water…lol..All the twiggy models will drown and I’ll be catapulted into the attractive column of fashion magazines..I’ll be rich!!

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                    2. Tiger prawns work. I wanted to own the World Oyster, but definitely not eat it…gross! Oysters look like dirty boogers..

                      The world will be our Tiger Prawn!!

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                    3. LOL!! I remember just how common booger-eating was when I was little. It grossed me out then and grosses me out now to no end….I don’t get why little children do that??? If I’d ever seen one of my kids mine green gold and pop it into their mouth, I wouldn’t be here today to tell the story..Instant heart attack and death..Of course, now that they are adults, I’m finding out they were doing all sorts of things that would have killed me if I’d found out back then..Sneaks. And they probably did eat their own boogers…lol.

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  3. Thanks for sharing Bird, I can relate. I’m just going to add my husband’s name where your husband’s name is. I hope you don’t mind 🙂

    “I can see that the Lord is dealing with (Anthony)…without my help…and I can also see that He wants me focused on writing, getting closer to Him, and most of all, trusting that God knows how to handle His own business with His child that He loves.”

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    1. 🙂 It was kind of therapeutic to get it out. I have insomnia really bad, so maybe that is why God doesn’t wake me up often..I’m just usually awake when He is..lol. Thanks for the kind words!!

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  4. I am so proud of you for listening to God and obeying Him when things are SCARY. What a clear perspective you have! I pray for you to have the strength from God to stay our of His way and I can’t wait to see all He has in store for you, Chef and your marriage! This is quite an adventure, and I know that He has your beat and Chef’s best in mind. I am happy to pray with you for God and Chef to have an intimate, maturing, strong relationship and that God might be greatly glorified through your obedience and through Chef’s!!!! Thank you for sharing!!!!!!! You are an inspiration and will be used by God to encourage so many women in similar situations! Stay the course! BIG HUGS!

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      1. My husband was a baby Christian for a long time, too. I tried so many times to drag him to God, to try to MAKE him become the man of God I knew he should be! What I succeed at was making him feel like God and I were “tight” and he was hopeless. He was able to tell me that later.
        After I began obsessively studying respect and biblical submission – he began to change. He started looking at me again when I came in the room – like I actually mattered to him again! He started to care about my feelings again. I stepped way back and let him lead and at first he didn’t know what to think! But he started to lead and I encouraged him and praised him for the good stuff. And I prayed. A LOT. But this time I was trusting God with him and thankful for him instead of complaining to God and asking God to change him. Now, the husband who wouldn’t pray with me and who wouldn’t talk about spiritual things and who seemed so much more interested in the tv than in our marriage has a blog called http://www.respectedhusband.wordpress.com. MY HUSBAND!?!?!!? He writes about marriage! My favorites are his posts directed to wives when he talks about his perspective as I began to change. I don’t know if you read “When She Surrendered” yet at the top of my blog page. It’s fascinating to me to be able to find out his thoughts a few years later when God began working in my heart and I began to change. At the time, I had NO idea what Greg was thinking. But I was determined that I would obey God. And then the most amazing things started happening, I became peaceful every day. I started having joy again. Our marriage began to change. My husband began to change… it was amazing! It was a long process – and we’re not done! But our God is POWERFUL! He is good. And I am glad that He is working on your hubby and that He gave you a warning about it first. That was really helpful! I am glad to stand by your side and pray with you through this!
        Lord,
        We ask that You tear down every stronghold of Satan in this marriage, in Bird and in Chef. Open the spiritual eyes of both of them to Your Spirit and Your voice! Let them both have hearts that are willing to obey You. Show them anything they are holding as idols above You and let them repent and seek You first with all their hearts, minds, souls and strength! Let them become mature and complete, lacking nothing and set apart for Your use in Your kingdom’s work. Help them to stay on Your straight and narrow path that leads to life. Help them to cling to each other and to You. Help Bird have courage as she stands by and watches her man struggle. Let her faith inspire him to greater heights than he has ever known! Use her love, her respect, her admiration, her prayers, her trust in You and in her husband to encourage her husband in his relationship with You! Amen!

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        1. Amen. Thank you so much!! I can’t even imagine Chef ever writing a blog about Christian marriage..lol. But, then again, I would never have expected any of this to happen in our marriage either. I’ve seen God do big things in my life…This one will be yet another one. Again, thank you for your advice and your prayer!

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        2. Wow. Thanks for that, Peaceful Wife. I wrote a comment to Bird that I was ANOTHER one of these wives who has been having this experience. I will check out your blog and your husbands.

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  5. I guess you know this already, but the debate over whether or not you could be a biker Christian is rediculous. You and God seem to have a pretty good understanding of the way things work. 😉

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            1. I know. I was going to type something witty but the pizza arrived.. 🙂 Now I’m going to go over and find out who isn’t getting blown tonight… 🙂

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  6. What a heartfelt post…. Control is my Achilles’ Heel. I panic when I start feeling it slip away. Ironically, though, it’s usually when it’s completely destroyed that I feel the most peace… thanks for being brave and honest enough to share. PS: Isaiah 41:13—it’s always been of immense comfort to me when waters get choppy.

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  7. Ten years ago, my husband (Kelly) could have been writing this post and using my name instead of Chef’s. I wasn’t a baby Christian. I knew what I was supposed to be doing. Instead, I regressed and acted like a baby Christian, wallowing in my pull-ups, whining, retreating, and running away. I’m sure there were days that Kelly wanted to kick me to the curb, but didn’t for three reasons: God told him this was a temporary fugue state of insanity, we had three kids under the age of 12 and Kelly strongly maintained for them, and he loved me deeply and completely. My man was a saint while I was an ass. God bless his soul.

    But I’ve recovered and I’ve been forgiven. Thank God for forgiveness. Just keep it together, Bird. Chef will recover, too. This, too, shall pass. And you’ll be stronger for it. Sandy

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    1. Wow, Sandy! Thank you for that honesty! I will make it through this crap trial…It isn’t my first rodeo. I just have never had NO control over what is happening in my marriage. I can see how Jesus is doing this for a reason, and a good one, at that. But WHY is it taking Chef so long…lol?! I’m ready for him to find some peace…

      I have a tiny little issue with patience, too. 🙂

      Seriously, thank you for the encouragement. It actually helps to read all these comments.. This is the first crisis in my marriage where I had an outlet like this to vent on… Last time, I just bent my best friend’s ear off. I’ll bet she’s relieved this time..lol!

      — Bird

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  8. Oh Bird, I could write a book on this one! My husband and I went through very similar issues. It has taken many years and patience (sorry to tell ya) but Mike is a man I truly admire. However, it has changed me greatly as well. I needed to be more “pliable.” I send you love and prayers my friend.

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  9. Bird, talk about timing. wow. Apparently I was wrong…God is NOT on vacation.
    You know for me, God speaks to me pretty often through people, books, songs…if I am paying attention (hence the “Be still and know I Am God” part …) and I sat really still for this blog. Good for you and God blesds you both. It is the hardest thing to have the center of it all shake rattle and roll…I’m a big fan of some basic evels of security myself. But God always wants me to see that the REAL security lies in relying totally on Him and getting myself out of the way.
    My early morning prayer upon awakening as I say, is very often, ‘Goodmorning God, Don’t let me screw it up to bad. Good luck. Thanks”. Precise, simple and clearly self knowing 🙂

    Maybe God is working on Chef (and hopefully on John if he has a moment to spare) but you’re taking it and using it for GOOD.
    Therein lies the real miracle.
    Thanks for sharing yourself. ~Namaste~

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  10. Yikes! Baby Bird! A couple of things, First, bless your heart. I have been crushed by a prejudicial lawsuit against my Christian preschool here, that I am working my way out of, thank God. I think the “Versatile Blogger” award is hilarious and I am going to pursue it when I can breathe.
    But to the real stuff. Jeepers, Bird, this one was very timely. I am dating a man who is truly a gift, but is a baby Christian. What I am discovering, again, and again, and again, and again tonight is that the very best gift I can give him is to stay the heck out of the way. I’d like Richie to lead me, but he CAN’T if I’m always leading him! Right? Dating or not, chilling out together or not, enjoying each other’s company or not, his relationship with Jesus is far more important than the one with me. Sad, because he makes me happy. But letting him, and the relationship go into the hands of God, is so much better, and harder than hell.
    But really, you’re helping me get a grip on what I can really control, which isn’t much, so thanks so much, dear Bird!
    Much love,

    Victoria

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    1. This comment makes me happy, and yet I am sorry this is happening to you too. Some days I have a hard time holding out hope. Other days, I feel like it is all going to work out. Tonight, I read Job 38..It is odd how I found it, but it after I read God’s description of how He laid the universe in place, suddenly my marriage looked pretty fixable. 🙂 Read it and tell me if doesn’t make you glad to serve this God!! I love you, Victoria!

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  11. When I first was saved my husband was an atheist. My pastor advised me to stay quiet and wait for him to ask. Now my husband is a preacher. Amazing. It took 40 years, but God is faithful and so powerful.
    I loved this post and have read all the comments, too. Sure did laugh at some of those. Thanks for your openness and honesty. You have given new words to old truths for me, tonight, and I plan to use some of them in my relating to another sister whose husband is, somehow, mysteriously, not very mature yet . . . 😉

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    1. Thank you, Katharine!! You guys always make me sound better than I really am! I appreciate your humor, too.
      I try to read the comments on posts…sometimes you run across some of the best stuff in those! I reread some of the comments on my posts from time to time..They give me some encouragement to not give up. 🙂

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  12. I am amazed at the number of wives who are experiencing the same thing…..and here’s another one! I’ve prayed & journaled about this many times. He’s a believer but he very seldom reads his Bible, not sure about his prayers, he looks at me sometimes like I have 2 heads when I tell him about what God is telling me. I’m not sure if he doesn’t really believe me because he’s never experienced it, thinks I’m weird or slightly crazy or just doesn’t understand. He sometimes says things that sound so “unbelieverish” that I wonder. I’ve worried about him & I used to get into “discussions” with him. God has told me soooo many times in the past the same kind of thing you referred to….”get your nose out of MY business! Don’t be prideful or judgmental & remove that log from your eye!” It’s always a relief to me to know that I’m not the only one going thru some things….thanks.

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    1. I know what you mean. I just sat on the back of a motorcycle for 6 hours straight really seeing what a huge log I’ve overlooked in my own eye… Today, I hope to start breaking it down for fire wood.. 🙂

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  13. Bird,
    I write more about thought.
    You are able to teanslate thought into feelings.
    Try my blogs for ideas.
    I have noticed this is my indirect path to get the message out.
    I don’t get traffic,accolades,or many likes,but I do get great joy from posts that can breath life into

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  14. Hey Bird, Sounds like you have a good appreciation of the situation. I found that a great book for similar situations is Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson. I’ve used it for counsel on many marriages. Glad you found and liked my blogs, btw. (Ectlectic-Rant)

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    1. I doubt it. All of my Grandpa’s are dead, and there is some question about which eternity they ended up in..lol. I think the Lord wants me to spend more time cutting down the forest of logs in my own eye, and less time aggravating my husband about the speck in his…

      🙂

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      1. My experience and reading of the LORD is that He is kind of up and down. I call Him Sovereign LORD because when He is being Sovereign He is mostly nice. When He is being LORD, He is kind of mean, He is about justice. I mostly call on Jesus, because Jesus is so, so sweet and gentle.

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        1. Awww…now I get it! I was lost in your comment because I guess I don’t really see God as mean. I interchange God and Jesus a lot. Plus, it was God’s just nature that made me desire a relationship with Him in the beginning of my walk with Him. lol..Now I get it!!

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        2. Jesus is the very image of the Father. He said, “He who has seen me has seen the Father also.” Whatever you see you like in Jesus, that is the character of God the Father as well. A guilty conscience or unforgiveness can distort our image of God. Confession of sin and forgiving all who have harmed us are keys to finding release.

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