A Marriage Is Over

It is always astounding to me how a new perspective in an old situation can change the emotional landscape of one’s existence in that exact moment. Suddenly, though circumstances have not changed at all, you have, and every thing that is happening around you from that moment of clarity on feels different.

As anyone who’s been reading my recent posts probably knows by now, I’ve been engaged in a spiritual battle over my marriage. In a nutshell, my husband Chef is in the throes of a midlife crisis, and I, the ultimate passive aggressive control freak that I am, find myself not only unable to “help” him find his way out of it, but have been clearly instructed by the Lord not to bothering trying. For the back story, you can read any of the plethora of posts under the marriage category or my initial post, I’m A Casualty in my Husband’s War Against Time. For those who just want the cliff notes version, here it is: I’ve not been very obedient to God about staying out of His and Chef’s business. As God is inclined to do, He has used this experience as a refining fire for me, and while He is dealing with His son, Chef, He has also been dealing with His daughter, Bird, as well.

Never in my life have I been able to see my own heart so clearly as I have these last few months, and I have to quote Jeremiah 17:9:

 The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?

Through this experience, I’ve had to come face to face with some demons that have haunted me since I was a child, and I find that this recent upheaval in Chef’s and my marriage, which I had once considered a time of discipline from my Father, has instead turned into a time of Healing. And, for me, it all boiled down to trust.

Do I trust God?

Had anyone asked me that question even a few days ago, I would have answered with a resounding “yes”, and been convinced that I was being truthful. Whenever you ask almost any Christian this question, we will almost unanimously answer that we do, and probably not think twice about it. But I’ve had this sneaking suspicion for the last few months that God was pointing out a rather nasty little flaw in me, and that is my inability to trust anyone, even Him.

Subconsciously, I kind of always assumed that God loves all mankind, and even the sparrows, more than He loved me.

Even at this very  moment, as I’m typing these words, my heart is sad and afraid about opening up myself to being vulnerable to pain and disappointment. But at the same time, I have been given a new perspective from the Lord, and I feel the sense of peace one gets when they finally surrender to Him and trust that He will do what is best for us.

Yesterday, I gave up my battle with Chef, and with God, and admitted defeat. I literally, for the first time since it all started, gave up my own panic, fear, anger, and manipulation, and instead embraced the knowledge that maybe God wasn’t kidding with me…He told me not to try to fix this, even a little bit, and turns out, He is never fooled by me….even when I’m fooling myself.

Because Chef was gone for a few days on a trip, I had a lot of time to think about my next move, and the more scenarios that went through my head, the more frustrated I got, because it all boiled down to one fact…you can’t fix something in another person when that person doesn’t want to be fixed. Period.

Now, I’ve been thinking lately that my motives for wanting Chef to address these areas of his life were good ones, but instead of focusing on him and his motives, I instead had to look at my own, and they were rather sad and disheartening. I just wanted to continue to live in the life I’d carefully set up for myself, and I didn’t want Chef’s crisis to mess that up.

I’m sure a psychologist would have a hay-day with the number of reasons I have for not trusting other people, but it my thought that God isn’t interested in my excuses anymore. Yes, there are valid earthly arguments for me being this way, but He is my maker, and also my Great Physician, and after a lot of years allowing this coping mechanism to go un-addressed, the time had finally come for another step of healing to occur. And frankly, it just wasn’t a healing I had ever wanted or asked for. And I’ve resisted this process every step of the way.

If I am being extremely truthful with myself right at this moment, I’d have to say “No”, I haven’t trusted God all these years. Oh, I’ve prayed, and He’s answered. I have sinned, and asked for forgiveness, and I believe wholeheartedly that He has forgiven me. But always, somewhere in the dark corners of my mind, I’ve always thought that I was just a technicality in His system, not really a beloved child. I knew He wasn’t a liar, so I was saved. But to believe that the Creator of Everything in the Universe, actually cared and loved me as an individual was too hard for me to process, so I just didn’t. I’m exceedingly gifted at ignoring what I don’t want to see.

I’ve taught God’s love and mercy to any number of people, and I can say honestly that I meant every word. I have had no problems believing for all the good things from the Lord for other people, but I just didn’t want to trust God with the things that were really important to me, just in case He might not have my best intentions at heart.

Why should I? Up until only a day or so ago, I’ve almost always been the captain of my own destiny. I’ve been somewhat skilled at setting up my own controllable environments, and holding things that threatened my neatly ordered world away from it. And, for the first time since I was a small child, I actually came to trust Chef completely. I was shocked, surprised, and somewhat horrified when I realized this a few years ago, but I also have to admit, I really liked the feeling, too.

But by creating this structure of trust on a foundation of manipulation and control , all I was really doing was setting up the Perfect Storm for myself when the people in it decided to rebel, and it all fell down like the house of cards that it was. And frankly, I’ve been grieving for my lost environment, and struggling to rebuild on that same shaky foundation.

I would have to say that for the last several years of my marriage, I’d replace Jesus on the throne of my life with my husband, and even a baby Christian knows, God isn’t okay with that. I also have to say that there were only a couple of things that Chef would ever be able to do that would have removed him from that high place of honor in my life, and over the past few months, he did exactly two of the three things.

I want to take a moment to say this…his issues probably aren’t the things everyone thinks they are. He isn’t having an affair, which is definitely one of the three things I’d really, really have problems with. I don’t want to paint a nastier picture than it really is. But he’s struggling with normal midlife crisis stuff; issues that, to a person who thought things like this were only in her long distant past, have opened up a dialogue with myself that I think will prove to be the cornerstone of my new foundation, and it won’t be unstable or easily destroyed. And more importantly, it isn’t built around Chef.

As a teenager, a person once gave me this Word from the Lord, and what had struck me so curious about it was the tone that it had. They had told me that I had dropped my vase, and it had shattered and the water had gone everywhere. And instead of going to my Father and receiving another vase with new water, I was on the ground, trying desperately to fix the broken vase, and reclaim the lost water. I remember thinking it was kind of an odd vision, and I have to admit, I disregarded it completely….until right this moment. Boy, does God know me, or what?!

Yesterday, I spiritually gave up trying to accomplish rebuilding my broken vase, and scooping up the lost water. Instead, I received a new vase with clean, fresh water from God, and I have stopped grieving for the lost house of cards. Instead, I have a new hope, and it isn’t hitched to anything Chef does or doesn’t do. I’ve learned that maybe, just maybe, God isn’t my Father because of a technicality; what if He actually really does love me? Maybe it was no mistake He called me by my own name; and even venturing out a little more, I can say that I can trust God with all my important stuff, and He won’t let me down.

Today, when I woke up, I had a real peace and a sense of calm that I’ve not really experienced much in my life. And when the devil arrived, as usual, to shake, rattle, and roll my world, my brand new foundation stayed firmly in place. In fact, it wasn’t much of a battle at all, and the skirmish was easily won and quickly over.

Trust isn’t something I truly understand when it comes to other people, and I doubt this is my last encounter with my feelings about it, but I do have a firm knowledge that this is what God had in mind for me when all of this crap first started months ago. He gave me a lifetime of proof that I could, indeed, trust Him, and now, I find that I needed that proof, and a lot of it, before He would have been able to address this problem in me. It makes me feel like He patiently sacrificed Himself all over again for years, accepting my somewhat suspicious, distrusting service to Him. And He did that patiently and kindly,  just for me. And, when the time was right, He cared enough to tear down my pathetic dwelling I’d built on the sand, and instead helped me lay down a foundation of stone built on solid ground. A place that would be safe against the hurricanes of life.

How can I not trust a God like that?

It is with complete, heartfelt honesty when I say this: I am truly grateful that all of this has happened, because I’d rather have this peace and stability based on the foundations He lays for me, than have to do all the hard work it takes to keep my shanty-like environment, built on the sands of mistrust, from crumbling all by myself.

I feel like that life didn’t pass His inspection, and the dwelling has been condemned and torn down. Now, building has begun on a new life, and it will be better and far more trustworthy than the one I’d built for myself. My old marriage is over; now, I look forward to my new one.

Maybe it is a good day to ask yourself — Do you really trust God?

— Bird

A Pictorial Guide to Bird’s Latest Crisis

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Author: Catherine aka "Bird"

Marketing Specialist Recruiter Freelance Writer Blogger

113 thoughts on “A Marriage Is Over”

  1. I am really glad to hear this – Amen Bird amen!
    My prayers have been answered. Now, give everything to God and let him steer the ship.

    Walk daily with God at your side!

    Your friend always,

    Ed

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    1. my name is mccart i never believe in spell casting, until when i was was tempted to try it. i and my husband have been having a lot of problem living together, he will always not make me happy because he have fallen in love with another lady outside our relationship, i tried my best to make sure that my husband leave this woman but the more i talk to him the more he makes me fell sad, so my marriage is now leading to divorce because he no longer gives me attention. so with all this pain and agony, i decided to contact this spell caster to see if things can work out between me and my husband again. this spell caster who was a woman told me that my husband is really under a great spell that he have been charm by some magic, so she told me that she was going to make all things normal back. she did the spell on my husband and after 5 days my husband changed completely he even apologize with the way he treated me that he was not him self, i really thank this woman her name is Dr Aluta she have bring back my husband back to me i want you all to contact her who are having any problem related to marriage issue and relationship problem she will solve it for you. her email is traditionalspellhospital (at) gmail.com, she is a woman and she is great. wish you good time.

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  2. you had me worried for you there for a bit. I think to be honest even without religion as part of it the dynamics of relationships do change over time sometimes so gradually we barely notice other times with a resounding crash. In my case it was the crash until a few years ago my other half called the shots then things went horribly wrong. it became clear that things needed to change but he didn’t want them to and to some extent still rails against the changes even thugh he admits he is a much happier person now than before. Neither of us are the same people we were when we first met but we love each other enough to keep fighting our way through the hard times. He says he hates fighting (despite the fact he normally starts them) but I remind him of that old saying that if you stop fighting for something you have stopped caring.

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    1. I have to admit, i was getting worried myself. I hate for things to become so unpredictable… I like stability and balance, and when I don’t have these things, my brain literally panics. Nothing is different this morning…except me. I finally have some real hope that isn’t based on Chef or his actions. I literally feel like I can breathe now. 🙂

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  3. Dear Bird,
    I know God loves you. Why? Because I love you and we have never even met. 🙂 His love is far greater than mine or anyone else’s. God bless you and keep you! – Alicia

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    1. Thank you so much, Alicia!! I think I’ve been waiting for Him to let me down, thus proving my instincts to not trust Him were right. Not on purpose, but rather subconsciously. Obviously, He isn’t going to fail me. I think 30+ years of a perfect record is long enough proof for me to surrender to Him!!! 🙂

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  4. may we all pray for and be willing to see a new marriage every morning. i know the Lord has taught me to see our marriage as perpetually ‘newly wed’ and to ‘dwell with my wife according to understanding’
    may the Lord continue to help us see that the marriage we put to sleep the night before is renewed the next morning the same as His grace and stedfast love for us.
    mike

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  5. It’s very hot here today, but I got goosebumps all over when I read your post. Is it a coincidence that I just finished writing one about trust and acceptance?

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  6. I’m so glad to hear this Bird..and also glad to hear about your peace!
    I know what you mean when you say you tried to trust and felt doubt..I used to do the same..like a little nagging feeling..but no more. Whenever I delve into the Bible and read all the promises He has for us..I used to convince myself that that couldn’t be true for me also..but the trust was there..was it 100% no..but after God tore me down and I allowed him to begin his work in me..I also now feel that peace..
    I’m so happy for you!

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    1. Thank you, Apple. I feel pretty happy today. It was kind of a relief to take myself out of the fight! And be glad you don’t have 44 years of habits to overcome in order to achieve that trust!!!
      God’s timing is really rather perfect, wouldn’t you say??

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  7. I think that we very often think that we know what is best for us and so often try to impose our own will, instead of saying thy will be done Lord! It is not easy to give control, but it is necessary! God bless you Bird!

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    1. That is pretty much the story of my life. I don’t give up control easily, but I think I kind of get it now, and I’m committed to learning this lesson quickly and efficiently. 🙂

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    1. Actually, I’m still feeling good…It is has been a pretty calm day… That is how you can tell the peace is God-given… I love you, too, Victoria. Thank you!!

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  8. After I became Christian, God started His construction projects in my heart, mind, and life….and most recently tore down something very near and dear to my heart. I related a lot to the spiritual struggle you’re describing. Thanks for being brave enough to share it.

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    1. I’m sorry you are having struggles too, but at least it is proof that God wants better for us, right? Thanks for taking a moment to relate…. Bird

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  9. I hear people say give it to God all the time. I have to admit this is a hard one for me. I try to, and I probably do this somewhat but definitely need to work on it. After something happened to me I stopped trusting God. Over the past few years I have picked up some of the broken pieces and am trusting him more and more.

    I’m glad to hear you are starting anew. God will guide you and Chef on your new journey. God Bless.

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    1. I do understand what you are saying here. I believe with all of my heart that God picked a time when I would be able to understand this lesson, as well as truly be able to put it into practice. Maybe that is why He waited so long to address it. Trust is one of the things that I just haven’t come to terms with yet.

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  10. Beautiful post Bird. Just beautiful. Sometimes we do just need to let go and let God. It’s so hard to do because we want everything to be perfect. We want to be in control. Sometimes we just have to put our hands up and say enough. I can’t do this anymore. I’m going through a struggle myself and have lost my way. I hope I find my way back. Your post I believe is a step in the right direction for me. I needed to read it. Thank you my sweet.

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    1. I’m so sorry you are feeling lost. I always hope my thoughts hit home for somebody else out there. It makes me feel less alone sometimes. I know you’ll find your way back…God never leaves any of us hanging for very long. Thank you for taking a moment to write me….You have no idea how much I appreciate hearing from other people out there!!

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  11. So glad you found peace. It’s a continued source of contemplation for me that our lives should be a whole when it comes to giving completely over to God. Why we compartmentalize and divide our lives into sections, saying, ok God, you can have me in this, but not that, and not even realize we are doing it. I struggle with that, not as much as I used to, but it’s still there. May you have continued peace.

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    1. I always knew deep down that I was refusing to address a few of my really basic personality flaws. I just didn’t think I would ever be able to change. But, I see how God let things line up just so perfectly, and I was forced to be honest with myself about this subject. Now, I actually feel like a loved child…Not a familiar feeling for me, but one I’ve craved my whole life. Weird how things can just feel so different in a blink of an eye!! The peace is still holding…Thank God!! I don’t believe we ever really achieve God’s perfection in any area of our lives while we live in these bodies…Too much of ourselves are attached to our fleshly nature. So, we keep striving to learn and grow. I’m okay with that. One goal at a time, right?

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  12. it must feel like being reborn, a brand new birth, freedom to live as God wishes you to live, to not have to worry how you are going to handle anything in your life including Chef. now you can concentrate on what God wants from you. I have to admit, that even I have had times where i question God and wonder if he is listening to me, or what is his purpose for me. I am proud of you Bird, very proud

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    1. Thank you so much, Terry! You are absolutely right…I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off of my shoulders!! I imagine there are still times that are going to suck…I’m not naive. But today has been a really, really nice day. Chef, who never really reads my site, read it today, and just flipped out. He is so proud of me, and he even teared up a little, said he was sorry this was happening, and he knew God must love him a lot to give him me for a wife…See! Already God’s blessing me, and it hasn’t been but 24 hours!! Man, I feel pretty awesome right now!

      I imagine we all question God at some points in our lives…how can we not? And I can admit that I’ve often questioned whether He is hearing me or not. But, at the end of each experience, I can see He had been involved all along. Now, I just need to trust…really trust…that He has it all under control.

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      1. me too Bird, we are all human. we can expect to fall and will, we are human, only God is perfect, but if we are prepared for falls we will deal with them with more strength

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        1. You are very right…I have never properly learned how to deal with true pain and disappointment. But, at this point in my life, it is time I learned.. 🙂

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  13. I have to confess that my initial reaction was of shock – but after reading it I’m not so worried anymore. I’m still worried, but I have faith in that it will all work out. I love you, Bird.

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      1. I know it will, but just know that relapses are a-ok in my book. Trust is close to impossible for control-junkies like us. There’s nothing more terrifying than releasing control for me. Wanting to snatch back the wheel is still a knee-jerk reaction for me, and I suspect it will be that until my dying day. But I trust God to work with me on this, and to help me learn to trust fully again.

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        1. Lol…oh, you do know me so well! I know I’m bound to fall on my face many, many more times before all of this is over. That being said, I’m pretty experienced with failing and having to pick myself up and try again. I always told my kids that it didn’t matter at all to me how many times they messed up, only that they kept trying not to. Obviously, God understands His Control-Freaky kids, so I imagine He won’t be surprised at how often I’m probably going to blow it. All I can promise at this point is that I’m not going to give up no matter how often I fall flat on my butt! I’m stubborn, if nothing else… 🙂

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          1. I think there should be certificates one could get for being experts on face-falling. 😛 I know you because I know myself. One minute I will be all trusting and feeling fine, for the next minute to freak out. Someday I will get to a less bipolar place when it comes to trusting, but for now I will take the times when I am able to trust and cherish them. I’m with you when it comes to God and His ability to cut control freaks like us some slack – considering how we came to be how we are. Also, there should be some sort of award for Most Times Falling On One’s Butt.

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            1. No offense, but I think I should win that Most Times Falling On One’s Butt award, hands down. Not even for all the stupid things I’ve done in my entire life, either. Just for my handling of Chef’s midlife crisis crap. The less control I have over my environment, the more my moods swing back and forth, which makes the whole thing even worse.
              Lol…Do you think God will hand out Face-Falling Certificates when we get up there?? I’m pretty sure I qualify by now!

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              1. I think you’re too late on receiving that Face Falling Certificate, as I already have an entire wall full of them. 😛 You can have the Falling On Your Butt Award, but only if you mention me in your acceptance speech.

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  14. Bird, of all the posts that I have read on your site, this one has touched me the most. I praise God for this change in you and this step that you are taking to trust God and to become healthy in yourself. Stay faithful in your trust in God and He will bless your faithfulness.
    Love in Christ,
    Marilyn

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    1. Thank you for the encouragement, Marilyn! I plan to keep my hands off of His work, and today, it has been so nice to just enjoy the calm, peaceful, easy feelings I’ve had since I decided to trust God. I’m not naive enough to think the lesson is over, but I am enjoying the reprieve… God bless you and yours!

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    1. Thank you!!! And you’re welcome. It actually helps me to write out my thoughts..Plus, it is always nice when someone gets a little hope for themselves from something I wrote. 🙂

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  15. God’s peace is AWESOME! I’ve had it every day now, by His power, for 2.5 years. Giving up the illusion of control over my husband was a huge key. I rejoice with you for finding God’s supernatural peace that passes all understanding. I will continue to pray for you and Chef and can’t wait to see the new marriage and how you both glorify God!! Love your transparency and vulnerability!

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    1. Thank you so much, Peaceful! Actually, I’m kind of excited to see how it will look on the other side of this experience myself! And there has been no penduluming between emotions today at all. That is how I know the peace is really from God. It is really holding steadfast. God really knows how to handle His business, doesn’t He??? I’m impressed by Him today!

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  16. Uh – yeah. Been there – I never knew until fairly recently that I had trust issues myself. It isn’t talked about in ‘good’ circles, is it? There are as you say earthly reasons for it – but now to address and remove what those reasons stand for is where the rubber meets to road. May you truly find what you seek – and you will, for you seek the Living God!

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    1. Thank you for taking a minute to comment! No, it is not considered very polite to admit you struggle with trust, no matter how valid your reasons may be..but I’ve long ceased to care about impressing people with an image of myself that just isn’t true. It is too hard to maintain, and people are always way more disappointed than they would have been had you not tricked them into believing you were something you actually were not. I’m inclined to believe more than ever that God can accomplish this little feat, even in me!! I think He uses my weaknesses to showcase His strength. I imagine this could be one of His greatest miracles in my life ever when it is all over. We’ll see…

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      1. You are so right. And I think it is this layer of pretense within the global church which creates such a sense of ‘holier than thou’ to people who actually just need to see that we struggle, too, and are honestly meeting that struggle head-on!

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        1. I am not a big fan of the holier than thou crowd either. People have to be honest and upfront about what God saved them from in order to relate to those who are still looking.

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  17. What a beautiful testimony, Bird. It was a real blessing to read it. I will keep praying for you both that it will just keep getting better and better.

    I doubt there is anyone who easily gives over control to the Lord. We all want to sit in the driver’s seat of our lives. But no one can keep us on the right path but the Lord and it is by far the safest path when we learn to trust Him. And I also doubt there is anyone, once we give Him control, who doesn’t keep trying to take it back. It’s a long learning process – a whole lifetime, in fact.

    Several years ago I spent a few days alone in the country without a vehicle, and I had a lot of time to give to the Lord and He dealt with me on some issues that had been a problem for a long time. Yes, I am repeatedly tested, but after 42 years of being a Christian, my life is so much more settled and my relationship with God is so much deeper.

    God bless you and Chef,
    Diane

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    1. Thank you for your encouragement and testimony, Diane. I have to admit that while today has been a peaceful, calm day, I’m not miraculously going to change a personality trait I’ve had all of my life overnight. I fully expect the devil to pick up where he left off, and the battle will be on again for me. But, I also know that I actually possess other characteristics that make me think I can learn this lesson. I’m stubborn when I decide I’m going to accomplish something, and failure doesn’t scare me. I fail a lot. I’m getting pretty good at it. I also hate satan, and whatever makes his existence in my life hard, I’m all for it!! Plus, God is directing this show, and He can finish what He has started. These reasons give me hope, and I can say with some conviction, at some point, I will be able to honestly say that God has healed in me the trust problems I’ve always had. Not many people will ever truly understand how bold a statement that really is…

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  18. At the risk of sounding like I’m selling something, I really think your husband would benefit from reading my book. It’s aimed at people going through a midlife crisis, being stuck, confused etc. And I hear you, you don’t want to get involved, so here is a link to the free video training I created to promote the book: http://www.howtochangeyourlifeonedayatatime.com/
    If he watches he may or may not decide to buy a copy and that’s fine, there’s a bonus 90 Day Program that comes with it which really helps to change the way we think – that gets delivered right in your email inbox. Because you’re one of my blog subscribers I’d even let him enroll in that without buying anything if you thought it would help. Take care, Stu 🙂

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  19. Peace of Mind is a good thing.
    Let go and let GOD is another
    Be true to that person you really are.
    I lived a life of pain and sorrow I
    too have found peace within me
    just in the nick of time.
    Good luck on this road chosen for you.
    It is one you are not being dragged down or trying to fix.

    Enjoy Life

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  20. Dear Bird – I’ve been following you for some time now and you always came across to me as a strong woman but vulnerable inside. Now the part of your strength that was yours alone is being taken away… and the Lord restores you with new strength that goes beyond our understanding.

    Even your writing has transformed. For example, your brashness expressed a deep desire to be honest and transparent, but, like you said, on your terms. Now that desire is being sanctified through God’s refinement.

    It is a wonderful and blessed process to witness. You are blessed Bird! Keep blessing others.
    Big Hug,
    Vince

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    1. Thank you, Vince. You’re absolutely right about doing things on my own terms. God doesn’t let us keep anything hidden, does He?
      I have a feeling I’m always going to be a work in progress!!!

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  21. I am thankful to have come across your blog. We share different beliefs, but I find you, and particularly this post, very inspiring and uplifting. Thank you.

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  22. Been on a little vacation, but you have my full support. You speak with such clarity. And you are right — anything/anyone who replaces God in your life has to be dealt with. This will be a tough time for you, but you are tougher. As always, you are in my prayers. Sandy

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      1. I believe in prayer and that it changes things. Sometimes we don’t recognize an answered prayer because it’s not the answer we want. Sandy

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  23. What a great post Bird! So many Christians use the term, “Let go and let God” so flippantly, but truly trusting God with our lives is much more complicated in the real world. Like you, I remember when I used to tell myself that I trusted God completely; until my daughter ran away from home when she was 14 years old to stay with her mother. (I had custody of my children at the time) For weeks I had no idea where she was and God had forced me into a position where I HAD to trust him. I found myself in the same position years later when my son was killed by a drunk driver. While many Christians believe they trust God, there are a few like yourself, who God has taken from believing they trust God to KNOWING they trust God. Welcome to the life of living on the ROCK!

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    1. My daughter ran away once too, and I about made everyone and myself crazy with worry!!! lol..At least once the house is actually built on the rock instead of the sand, I can finally relax about whether it’ll hold!!! I’ll take rock living anytime!!

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  24. Bird, I so feel like you are writing my life. I’ve often said God never denied healing, never made the healing contingent on anything I did. I know he asked me to take his hand, though he wouldn’t deny the healing if I hadn’t. But recently I realized that I had never allowed him to put on more than a band-aid, that I never allowed him to fully heal me–either I was just content with status quo or a lack of trust, belief. I never knew my healing was incomplete, that there was more. I never knew I hadn’t asked for the right thing. It took a few gut-wrenching weeks for me to realize God was saying “you can’t even begin to deal with what is going on with you and DH until you acknowledge your lenses are still cracked. And not because I withheld healing but because you never believed there could or should be more. Leave DH to me and allow me to really heal you, once and for all.” Thank you for all your honest words.

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    1. I get the feeling you truly understand the fear that comes from giving over a precious thing to God and just trusting that He cares about it as much as you do. I’ve never been one to accept the healing God offers if I thought it would make me weaker or unable to cope…I am having to let Him take over running my life, and that is not an easy thing for me to do. But, I made a commitment to Him years ago, and I am going to honor it. So, for once, I’m going to make myself obey God to the letter…. Let’s see if my head doesn’t explode from the effort!! 🙂

      Like

      1. I have had an amazing amount of peace since admitting things to myself, to DH, and yet I’m trying to slip back into old habits and say “that’s enough, that’s all I need” even though I know that is not what God wants from me. I’m trying to be accountable to everyone and anyone so that I continue to deepen my relationship with God. We will keep our heads together and we will be better for it and God will have all the glory! Thank you again for your honesty and your sharing.

        Like

  25. I’m a newbie to your site, but I have to say you just described the last three years of my life. Thank you so much for being open. I’m only a few months ahead of you in a similar journey, and let me tell you, that letting go and taking the husband off the throne was the best thing I have EVER done for my marriage. It beat all the self-help-quasi-Christian pop psychology I have ever heard hands down. Let alone what it did for my relationship with the Lord! Thanks again for your honesty.

    Like

    1. Thank you so much, Julia, for sharing a hopeful glimpse into the future of our marriage!! It already feels different to me, and I have to say, I feel better than I have in months. I do believe the Lord has got my back on this, so I’m looking forward to a better, happier marriage now that Chef isn’t on the throne anymore.

      Like

  26. Once again you had me hanging on every word even though I felt I knew where you were leading.

    The old has gone. The new has begun and I know great blessings are in store.

    We serve an amazing God!

    Like

  27. These are always situations where everyone has their own reaction and solution, depending upon their pain and experience. The one thing I do believe is God is no fool; he was smart enough to give us the power to change ourselves. What good would our road to heaven be if it was swept clean before us? He is the strong voice inside your heart. He is you. So listen to your own wisdom and do what is important for you to survive and grow. You can’t do anything about Chef…but you CAN do something to save your own heart and soul. Don’t be afraid to do it!

    Like

    1. I’ve pretty much done just that by making Chef responsible for his own actions. I had no idea how much of a public relations campaign I had going on in my own mind when it came to him…Now, I can be empathetic, sweet, gentle…and not responsible when his decisions get him kicked in the butt. That is a pretty new feeling for me. I’m kind of enjoying it!! Thank you for taking a minute to write, Claudia!

      Like

  28. You are so beautiful Bird, when I read the words you write, it’s like reading my own story, and struggles in a tainted world. I often fall prey to putting on my rose colored glasses. This is a dear friend of mine. He is as real as real can get with his own history. I often listen to his songs and today I feel lead to share it with you. His name is Jason Gray and the song is “Remind me who I am” http://youtu.be/QSIVjjY8Ou8?hd=1

    Like

  29. Looks like you have a lot of replies to read through, but I’ll add one more. I can certainly identify with a lot of what you write when it comes to God’s dealings with us. Step by step and healing by healing He leads us.
    We start out thinking we know…well, almost all there is to know about God and our place in the grand scheme of things. And (YUK YUK!) we think we understand ourselves pretty well, too.
    We have a good handle on life — until the Lord starts to REALLY open our eyes and reduce us and our sense of control to zilch. It’s His mercy that enlightens us bit by bit. But sometimes, as He has done for you now, He puts us through a real refiner’s fire.
    About ten years ago He brought a relative back into my life, someone who’d known me & my family when I was a five to six-year old child, and that cousin asked me if I remembered any abuse, because they were pretty suspicious my dad was abusing me sexually. I told him I had no memories of that, and he thought that was good. But my Heavenly Father had more to say on the subject.
    If God hadn’t prepared me with several other clear experiences before this, I don’t know how I would have gotten through it. But He had in mind a healing, and when He and I were through, I’d learned something more about myself, the origin of a feeling I’d lived with since childhood — and He healed me.
    Here’s wishing you a happier future with allowing Him to have total control of your loved ones. His work with us is a lifetime undertaking; thankfully He has a lot more patience for the project than we do. 🙂

    Like

  30. I didn’t read all your comments, but I did read (although admittedly speedily through some parts) your entire post. I can relate to the whole not trusting people and even not trusting the Lord. I think if we were able to wholly trust in the Lord all at once, all the time, there would be no need for this: http://www.mercysunday.com/dm3.jpg

    To comment on what you said about Chef replacing Jesus, well obviously you know he can’t do that cause he is flesh and blood and no man is perfect. However, as your husband he is is the priest of your household. Which some may see as sexist, but as your both called to submit your will to each other… to die TO each other… seems like you were actually leaning more towards the truth until your right hand figured out what the left was doing.

    I love strong women, and there’s nothing more attractive to me than a woman who can point out when I’m being a narcissistic asshole. However, if we’re gonna do a dance, let me lead…

    If I’m incapable of leading… I guess I’m not being much of a man. Anyway, I’m sure you’ll figure it out with Jesus. As most things are.

    Sorry if I’m giving unsolicited advice that you may not need(although it was a pretty open/honest post). It’s very easy ,fun too 😉 , to make comments from the outside of a situation.

    I’m trying to give something back cause I appreciate you liking my posts…

    God bless

    Like

    1. I appreciate your comment very much, actually. I love a strong man, who insists on leading!! So, letting Chef lead is/will be a pleasure. Thank you so much for giving me some of your male perspectives!

      Like

    1. If you were to ask me, I would say the missing ingredient is forgiveness. There seems to be a line in the sand for most people about what they will and will not forgive in their partner.

      Like

  31. Coming in a bit late here and I didn’t read everything, but I really like the question “do you trust God?” Not many people would ask that question “out loud.” I have, but I’m not “many people.” I appreciate your candor.

    Like

    1. Thanks, James! I’m not “many people” either. I have learned that self-honesty is the best policy for me. I appreciate you checking out my site. I hope you like what you see.

      Like

  32. Bird, this is my first visit to your blog, so I don’t know your story. But, like most people I have my own story dealing with divorce. I will say this, do what you feel you have to do, but only after considerable counseling, primarily with the Lord, and others who are experts in the field. I made the mistake of not consulting either. But with my story there is a happy ending. See my blog at http://contemporarymusings.wordpress.com regarding “Amusement, Love and Crooked Lids”. Good luck. J. Quiet Streams.

    Like

    1. I’m sorry. The title is a bit misleading. I have no intention of giving up on my marriage. I’m only giving up trying to control everything and everyone in my life. But thanks for the advice. 🙂

      Like

  33. Bird, many people fail to truly comprehend how difficult marriage can be. I hear your heart in this post and know you are seeking to walk with God through this valley. I join many others in praying for God to do an awesome work in both your lives. It’s when we put ourselves on His anvil that we’re able to truly be refined. It’s a painstaking process, but He knows what He’s doing. Keep the faith, friend.

    Like

    1. Thank you for these words of encouragement. Some days I do well, others I am simply heartbroken. But, I know God is in control, and He’s better equipped than I am to help my husband.

      Now I’m just trying to navigate these stormy seas one minute at a time. 🙂

      Like

  34. I gave it a “like” Bird because I appreciate how thoroughly you’re attempting to sort your life. Not likely I’d agree with many of your premises or solutions – you know from reading my blog I’ve been an atheist since I was 13.

    None of which lessens the pain you’re experiencing, the toughness of the choices you have to make – and dealing with circumstances beyond you own conclusions and decision.

    I wish you good fortune and peace, lass.

    Like

    1. I have several atheist friends, including my best friend in all the world. To each his own. Thank you for your kind words and wishes. I really appreciate them!

      Like

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