Beauty of A Broken Heart

1 Peter 3:6

just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right [b] without being frightened by any fear.

Lately, it has become really evident that I have been living in a bubble of fear. I’ve been afraid that my favorite human being

Bird’s Patched Up Heart These Days…

on this earth was going to have truly and permanently disappeared forever, and this unfamiliar tortured soul would be all that was left. I was afraid that  I would never get to say thank you to the man who made me so very happy for decades and raised a family with me. I wish I’d known the day before all of this really started up so I could have emblazoned his laughing eyes in my memory forever. I think that is what I miss the most these days. I miss the real Chef, and probably always will.

Fear is a powerful emotion, and I never really gave it much thought in relation to being a wife until all of this happened. But now it’s mention in the verse above makes perfect sense to me.

Men’s design is different and serves a different purpose here on earth, but a woman is specifically created to be the help-mate to man. When a husband indulges in affairs, pornography, or is emotionally, physically, or sexually abusive, unappreciative, critical, mean or just ignores her altogether for long periods of time, it isn’t just one aspect of her life that is launched into crisis. It effects a core part of her because somehow she’s failed at the very thing she was created for.

It becomes her very existence and self-worth that starts to crumble and fall. Second guessing, reviewing past decisions, and trying to shoulder all the guilt for how she is being treated tends to follow, and the march to destruction is well on its way. We are excellent public relations managers for the men we love, and sometimes that creates so much confusion, we end up aiding them down dangerous roads, instead of actually helping them come back. Being the gentler of the two sexes, the nurturer, we tend to hold on to hope a lot longer than men do, refusing to leave the one we are inclined to serve and protect behind, even when it becomes clear that the relationship has become toxic to both parties in such a way that it becomes dangerous to her.   That in turn gives the devil some real time to damage her deeply, pointing out every mistake, blaming and accusing her constantly, and eventually turning her bitter and angry. And a bitter, angry woman is a tornado of destruction left unhealed.

All one has to do is open their eyes and look around to see just how many women are walking around with wounded souls that stare flatly out of sad, bitter eyes. My heart is broken all over again when I recognize the pain, and that is a new development for me lately. I’ve always understood pain, but this is a whole different level for me. I will hold this lesson close to my heart forever. It was costly but important.

Two days ago, hung over, feeling depressed, frightened out of my mind because my husband didn’t come home or call me for a couple of days, I went to my God and just cried, raged, and begged for this whole thing to be over…with the results I wanted..of course.. And He answered me clearly through the haze of my pain, and the tears stopped falling and I metaphorically laid down my sword and left the fight. His priorities outweigh my desires, and while He wanted me to have what I wanted, that decision wasn’t up to Him or me. It was up to Chef, and that was all that could be said about that.

But for His daughter Bird, there was an answer. Simply put, He was removing me from harm’s way. He simply told me “Enough”. It was time for the healing for me to begin, and He reigned down mercy, forgiveness and comfort all around me. The sea in my head stopped churning and I felt strong again. Even more amazing is that when the Lost Man finally did show back up, full of excuses and apologies, I never felt a twinge of anger, fear, bitterness…nothing. My reaction confused him, of course, so he headed in another direction, trying to pick fights with me all night long and I only felt the warmth of the word ” Enough” floating through my mind. I saw the man differently this time, and while I was sad, it wasn’t the same. I was sad for what the devil was doing to him, and how hard this lesson was going to be due to his inability to be honest with himself, and I felt compassion for him. I was grateful though, too, because I had 20 years of a wonderful marriage..I wouldn’t have given that up even if I had known all this was coming. But I also gave him back to God completely because his eternal soul is more important in the long run, and I am not His salvation. It was so easy to forgive him all of a sudden, without attaching any expectations to it at all. I am still hopeful that when he is well again we can be restored, but that is no longer the reigning concern in my heart. Maybe one day..but not now. For once, I’m excited about what God has planned for me next, Chef or no Chef.

We talk a lot on these blogs about the traditional wives submit/husbands love kinds of lessons, and they are important. But in the midst of all my confusion, God showed me something about myself and this unique situation I’m in that made me stop beating myself up for failing to be able to overcome this great sadness in a spectacular warrior-like manner. My weaknesses probably resonate more with people than any super spiritual strength. We’re all weak sometimes, and there is no shame in acknowledging we just don’t always get it right the first 908 times. But the important thing is that we keep on getting up and trying again, no matter how often we fail.

God was soothing me in those early hours of the morning, reminding me that I am His daughter first, not someone’s wife. My identity isn’t linked to some other human but with my Father in Heaven. He pointed out  how often He has scooped me up throughout my life  and moved me to safety before some horrible things happened, sending certain people to me just when I needed them the most,  and He showed me how much my tears have hurt His heart, not just lately but from the first moment I cried out to Him. He’s always tended to my healing with a gentle hand, and His mercy has never once wavered. I am still that same tree that survives the hurricanes right to the bitter end, like He promised when I was a child. His Word never returns to Him void.

And then He made it clear that His daughters to men are gifts that they neither earn nor deserve, and do not own. There are limits to what He expects us to endure, and we are never required to be engaged in sin for the pleasure of another, or to be tormented to the point of destruction. We are children of God first…nothing should ever jeopardize our spiritual walk with God. Not even our husbands. There are limits to what the Lord is going to allow me to endure, and the time had come to remove this stubborn daughter from any more destruction.

His design for woman left her more vulnerable to the ravages of men who have chosen  serving themselves and their own desires before their families or  the Lord, and He did not consider these many months of failures on my part as wastes of His time. He isn’t disappointed in me. He can still make something good out of my weaknesses…The intense ripping of a spiritual bond is almost too painful to describe, but I think He wanted me to understand it. I would never have understood that particular ripping of a soul before, and now I have a new understanding and appreciation for the brokenhearted women of this world. I can now speak from experience.

I felt my peace and humor come flooding back. My Help has arrived and taken over, and I’m feeling a little bit steadier today. Thank you, Lord.

— Bird

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Author: Catherine aka "Bird"

Marketing Specialist Recruiter Freelance Writer Blogger

58 thoughts on “Beauty of A Broken Heart”

  1. Sweetheart I love this and my heart goes out to you. God will help you find your way. But remember God gives us the tools to make changes and live our lives. We have to be open to what He says, but we have to make changes as we see fit too. We have to be happy. As long as it is not destructive, we have to be happy. I pray for you sweetheart. I know you’ll find your way.

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  2. Exactly. That’s exactly how we are created, Bird, and that kind of ripping really is a soul tear. Some people might call what you are experiencing an ‘ambiguous loss’, dear heart. That is too say, it’s like you’ve experienced a death of a husband, but with no body to bury.
    After my husband died, someone once told me to remember that I am now half the person I was created to be, and to let the Lord gently heal me. Perhaps Chef will one day be restored, and that will truly be something to celebrate.
    I’ll let you in on a goofy secret. I have an alter ego as my warrior of God. She wears leathers from head to toe, has blonde dreadlocks, a powerful sword of the Spirit, and an impressive set of scars. She has all the armor of God, and goes around picking and fighting (mostly) the right battles. But sometimes she falls to the ground, and the Prince has to pick her up, sling her over the horse, and take her back home to be healed. Join me?

    In the mean time, you are on exactly the right path. Very wise post, dear heart. Keep on keeping on.

    Much love,

    Victoria

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    1. Thank you, Vic. My spiritual warrior alter seems to have ducked out a few months ago..lol. But I’m getting steady again, and that helps me feel stronger. I’m optimistic about the future.

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  3. I love this! Thank you for sharing your journey, vulnerability and God’s love. I know God us using you to shine a huge ray of hope to other wives in similar difficult and heart-wrenching situations. I will continue to pray for Chef and for you!!!!! May God be greatly glorified!

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    1. It seems like its been a long wild ride. But, I’m feeling some end coming on and I’m okay with it. I fought hard to save it, and I’m kind of proud of that. But I agree with God. Enough. 🙂

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      1. Bird,
        I like how you can live without regrets, knowing you did what you could to save it. And I love that you have peace now about what God wants you to do. I am SO proud of you!!! And I love the way you still love Chef and see the possibilities for the future, trusting God and not giving way to fear. It may well be that your leaving jolts him into reality and helps him to see what he has lost and what really matters in life. I pray that he will be reconciled to God and that you may be able to have an even stronger, healthier marriage one day because of the your strength now.

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        1. I have that hope too, but I’m refusing to make it so important anymore. Thank you for seeing the positive in a pretty badly managed battle on my part…lol. I’m going to be fine, and probably spared having to see some really hard things he is going to have to go through. I’m thinking this is more of merciful act on God’s part for me than anything. I’m going to focus on the happy things these days and refuse to let the bad ones take over. There will be tons more tears I’m thinking, but he deserves the mourning because he really was a good and faithful husband for many, many years. I refuse to forget that, and I refuse to become bitter. satan can bite me. I hope someday he regrets ever launching the first arrow in this war.. 🙂

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          1. I am amazed at all that God is doing in your heart, how are are able to cling to Him and let go of everything else. THANK YOU for letting God work through you like this. What a beautiful spirit and faith you have. Thank you for shining for Christ in this valley.

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            1. 🙂 If He wasn’t holding me up right now, I’d be hiding under my bed..lol. He’s always shown up right when I needed Him the most. Thank God He showed up when He did! Thank you for your encouragement!

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  4. Aww hun I feel for you, I know that spritually our beliefs are very different especially on the subject of women’s roles in marrriage for want of a better way of putting it. Probably due to the fact that my deity is female. But on a purely human level do not put yourself down you are Chef’s equal and deserve to be treated as such, you deserve to be treated with love and respect and however much you love someone remember that they can only treat you badly if you allow them to. I do not envy the choices you face at this time but I do believe you are a strong woman who will come out of this with her head held high

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    1. Thank you for your encouragement, Paula. I don’t feel like I’m lesser than a man, only different with a different purpose. I’m going to heal up fine..This isn’t my first battle with pain, although definitely one of my worst. But I believe that whatever satan steals from me must be repaid many times over, and I’m reminding God of that debt until the day I die! It’ll turn out all good in the end..

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  5. Oh Bird, I hurt for what you are having to go through; but I’m glad God is drawing close to you and giving you the strength and the peace you need. Praise the Lord.

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  6. Beautiful post, Bird. I love how you put this: “we are never required to …be tormented to the point of destruction.” Too many women stay in abusive relationships… No matter how much it hurts to leave, there comes a point when enough is enough!

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    1. I think that is the reason so many woman stay in relationships that eventually get them killed or emotionally devastated, and the root cause would be fear. We tend to take a lot our worth from our relationships with our men, and it is hard to get balanced out again when it is just so cruelly ripped out from underneath us. There is always the hope that it was some kind of mistake and all will be well if we just hang on a little longer. There’s the fear that we’ve been fooled about just how special we were all along.
      Examining where you’re getting the real sense of worth you have, especially as a woman, is something I think every woman in the world should do on a regular basis…It should never be dependent so completely on another human being..Only the Lord can handle that kind of trust without failing us, despite the best of a man’s intentions. What a hard lesson this one was, but a valuable one I’m thinking. Thanks for the encouragement, Grace…

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  7. I’m not married Bird, but I thank your for your honestly. I love the fact that you do not sugar coat any of this. It’s refreshing. Few Christians would tell the whole truth,but just know that through your pain God is using you in unlikely ways! This touched my heart this morning. You are in my prayers.

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  8. Bird, I couldn’t have expressed what you said any better. I went through similar things after an 18 year marriage that steadily grew worse, with a husband who only served himself, and put on an act of Christianity for others. I suffered from a lot of self-esteem issues, after all it was my second failed marriage, the first filled with physical abuse and more, and this second one filled with emotional abuse where I was never good enough for my husband. I cried out many times, and what I learned is that in those times God always acted faster on my prayer than when I just quietly faced what was happening. That marriage ended with as much emotional abuse, and lies as he put into it for those 18 years. But it was after that when God showed me what I was worth to him, that he created me as a special and unique human being to serve him, not because others expected me to but because I wanted to out of my love for Jesus. It didn’t happen though until I quit acting out on my anger, hurt and self-pity. It took a lot longer for me to see that than it has taken you, and I am thankful for that for you. That healing will come quicker. That picture I posted on my About Me was the beginning of a lot of healing. My daughter hadn’t seen me smile her whole life because I was so pounded down by abuse. I walked with my head down, and always looked like an abused puppy dog, with sadness throughout my whole being. That day when she and I walked on the beach and went to that pier to get a soda and eat lunch she couldn’t believe that my head was finally up and a smile was on my face for the first time, and that is why she wanted that picture taken so bad. For me it is a reminder that God will see me through, and that he values me, for her it is a reminder that there is always hope after the darkest of times.
    One sentence you wrote, one special thought that I will hold dear, is that God’s daughters are gifts to man, to their husbands, and the truth is that a man should realize that and cherish that woman because she is a gift from God, and in the same way when a man is truly God’s son, we as women should cherish the gift God has given us of one of his sons, just as we cherish his only begotten son, Jesus. I will be praying for Chef to find a true relationship with the Lord Jesus, one that will bring healing and hope to his life, and I will pray for the Lord to continually wrap you in his loving arms and heal the hurt you have been feeling.

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    1. You’re story breaks my heart! This all hurts me badly, but I have 20 years of really good memories to balance me out. The fact that you endured this so long with so little return for your effort and pain just seems so much worse!
      I understand what you are saying about not walking with your head up. I noticed that I am not able to make eye contact so well at the moment, and I’ve never had this problem before. I’m making progress pulling myself back together, but it is kind of startling just how much I seem to have changed as well since all of this started. I’m glad you are learning to smile again. I wish you lots of smiles and laughter for the rest of your life!

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      1. Bird, just keep that head up, and don’t let anyone make you bow it except the Lord to pray to Him. Remind yourself daily that the Lord thought you worthy enough to die for you on that cross and to pay the price for your sins, so that as you believed in Him you would be worthy enough for an eternity with Him in Heaven. If the Lord finds you worth so much, then who are you to let others take your worth away. That is the lesson I had to learn, because I had let others take my worth away from me.

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  9. I’ve read your blog for a long time Cathy. I’ve read days when your anger was peaked, times when you made “funnies” to avoid the pain, moments when you did a fairly good job of throwing a “pity party”, etc etc.
    BUT~~~~~ I’ve prayed the same prayer for you daily!! And I praise Him for this miracle in your heart!!
    This is one of the most beautiful posts I’ve ever read (not just on your blog–but others as well). This is a message that every woman needs to hear. Why do I say that? Because Chef is not the only man/husband to find himself walking on the outskirts of marriage. Bless you sweetie!! I do believe the Lord is preparing you for something amazing…just continue to trust. Our God is a BIG GOD!!!
    With much love in Jesus
    Stephanie ~streim~

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for this comment, and especially for praying for me so much. I’m learning a lot of lessons through all of this, and I know they were necessary. They always are later down the road. I’m going to land on my feet… 🙂

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  10. you are a warrior Bird. i know also the pain that you are experiencing and i am so proud of the direction you have chosen to travel. you, writing this for us to read, is helping someone else going through your situation. hopefully, this will also lead them to God instead of trying to fix it on their own. God bless, and always remember we, are always here for you. sisters in Christ……….

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  11. I have a real awkward question.. I believe in god. I just dont get it how can people talk to him. I mean it is okay to talk to him, but how does one listen to his answers? I never got around that part. I feel like I am doing my part, but I cant hear anything from him. All of the time it is my intuition that guides me..

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    1. Somesh, I have the same problem sometimes. It makes me think of a great song by Addison Road called: “What Do I know of Holy”.

      Here are the lyrics:

      “I made You promises a thousand times
      I tried to hear from Heaven
      But I talked the whole time
      I think I made You too small
      I never feared You at all No
      If You touched my face would I know You?
      Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

      (CHORUS)
      What do I know of You
      Who spoke me into motion?
      Where have I even stood
      But the shore along Your ocean?
      Are You fire? Are You fury?
      Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
      What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

      I guess I thought that I had figured You out
      I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
      How You were mighty to save
      Those were only empty words on a page
      Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
      The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

      (CHORUS)
      What do I know of You
      Who spoke me into motion?
      Find More lyrics at http://www.sweetslyrics.com
      Where have I even stood
      But the shore along Your ocean?
      Are You fire? Are You fury?
      Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
      What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

      (CHORUS 2)
      What do I know of Holy?
      What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
      And a God who gave life “its” name?
      What do I know of Holy?
      Of the One who the angels praise?
      All creation knows Your name
      On earth and heaven above
      What do I know of this love?

      (CHORUS)
      What do I know of You
      Who spoke me into motion?
      Where have I even stood
      But the shore along Your ocean?
      Are You fire? Are You fury?
      Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
      What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

      What do I know of Holy?
      What do I know of Holy?”

      In short, we have to talk less and meditate on the word more. Sometimes when I really pray and read the Bible, His words just “speak to me”. God can speak to us in a myriad of way….even through other people. But just get quiet and allow His Word to penetrate your soul. Meditate. Get carried away in it…. and make TIME for Him. He’ll show up… He always does, friend.

      Also, there are many great books on “Hearing God”. Surround yourself with stuff like this and CRY OUT to him telling Him you want to hear Him…and Glorify Him. We’ll talk more if you like, friend.

      –Ava Elizabeth Wisdom

      confessionsofababymama.wordpress.com

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    2. It is hard to explain. I don’t hear a disembodied voice or anything, and it seems different for different people. Some people, like the prophets in the Bible, seemed to hear God’s “voice” in specific word-for-word detail, while others, like Moses, required burning bushes. That makes me think that it is a personal way of recognizing what is just you’re own voice in your head and what is from Him. I would rely heavily on the Word of God and pray for your “burning bush:. God understands and will teach you how to hear Him in a way that you alone will recognize the difference.

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      1. If that be it then I was already hearing him without knowing. Seriously, my intuition has never failed me, except for some momentary lapses which have ultimately made me stronger and better. It is the voice of God for me. Also God has surrounded me with many nice people whose random advices and thoughts have taught me a lot about life. I have improved a lot from them.. 😀

        U see, I was in doubt if I could hear him at all and he answered me through u! God is real funny u know 😉
        I wish he had a blog 😛

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  12. You pretty much covered all bases in your life and in mine too. I’m right there with you, Bird. I am trapped in an invisible bubble of fear and guilt. We need to stay in touch. I think you follow my modest little blog…which is relatively new. I just love the things you have to say on here…they resonate so deeply in my heart! -Ava

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    1. Thank you for the comment. Sorry you’re experiencing these kinds of pains in your own life. I’m happy to stay in touch. I am trying to keep up with everyone’s sites, but after going back to work, it is hard. I will be sure to especially check on yours regularly, and feel free to contact me whenever you’d like. My email is cathiemartin68@hotmail.com. Hang in there…It can’t last forever! – Bird

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  13. What a wonderful gift you have been given in the midst of your storm…It doesn’t take away the pain you are feeling but it is a wonderful insight. May God be your strength in all of this….Diane

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    1. It really was kind of gift. I was able to find a lot of things funny over the last two days, which makes me feel better. I’m not destined to be some bitter old grumpy woman with no sense of humor…That’s a relief! And seriously, that is some funny stuff!

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