I have always been aware that I was one day going to die. I don’t know where the knowledge came from, only that it was there, ever on the edge of my mind. As a child, this knowledge manifested itself in a serious countenance, tinged with anger. As a teenager, it took the form of a kind of reckless spontaneity. As an adult, I believe God gave me a gift. I truly understand that I am already dead. I am walking around in eternity as we speak. Anything I gain or lose here on earth is incidental.
“Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth. For you are dead, and your life is hid with Christ in God.” Col 3:2-3
So then the question becomes, how do I spend my time, since I’m dead already? I feel like I’ve mostly been twiddling my thumbs, waiting for the end. The bible says in everything give thanks, for this is the will of our Father for you. So then, learn how to give thanks in adversity and in peace. I can do that. For the most part, I don’t get too worked up anyways. Because, you know, I’m going to die, so it doesn’t really matter. But that doesn’t address the problem of specifics. Should I sign myself up to be shipped out to preach the gospel to the heathens? Should I walk the streets with a milk crate, from which I might shout out warnings of the upcoming end to passersby? Should I get a job at Wal-Mart bringing in shopping carts, and use my income to fund the acquisition of four walls to call home?
I really have no idea.
I don’t hear from God on this. I’ve only recently begun to learn how to hear from him at all. We’ve been battling radio silence from the beginning. I don’t trust stray thoughts to be from him. Now I know I have heard from him twice for sure. Neither time did he address the problem of what to do with my body. Only my heart. When I find out what the body’s meant to do, I’ll be very grateful. As it is, I have no home, no job, little education, and my belonging fit in a trunk, none of which I couldn’t live without. I’m starting to think that my sojourn here is going to be uncomfortable at best.