The Conclusion I Didn’t Want To Come To

I haven’t written in a while. It is hard to write when your heart is so heavy, but at the same time, I feel like I’ve started a story on here and I owe people a conclusion.

Things had seemed to be going so much better for the last month, but I was being fooled, yet again. Satan landed the fatal blow on my relationship this week, and as I type this, my heart is well and truly broken completely.

Most people in the world have experienced some sort of heart-break, and I know I’m not writing about something unique. But sitting here, with an inventory of all the dreams I had harbored about the future that included Chef, knowing full well that those dreams won’t be coming true, it is hard not to feel like the only soul left in the whole world. It is hard to be so centered around another human for 21 years only to have that rug pulled out from beneath you. Now, everywhere that I look, there seems to be a painful reminder that this chapter is over. In fact, the whole book is finished, and now it seems I need to begin writing a new one. I just flat don’t feel excited about a new life. There is a lot of grief in giving up this relationship.

I’m refusing to allow myself to become bitter, though it would be easy to hate him right now. But bitterness is a bad seed, and it infects not only the person that has justifiable reasons to be bitter, but everyone in their life as well.  Instead, I’m trying to praise the Lord through my tears, knowing that He is collecting these tokens of my pain in a jar in heaven. No, satan. I am not angry at God, nor will I curse Him…ever. Instead, I’m praying that God mercifully grant me some comfort. He has already answered some prayers about my finances, as Chef left me with a mountain of financial problems right now. A very good friend I met on here who is going through something similar has been a very compassionate ear for me to cry into to. I do so appreciate you, Victoria.

Every time I cry out, Jesus is there to lend me hand, helping me to cope with the grief of a torn soul. But, as with any other wounds, it takes time to heal, and now I just need to make it through each day, second by second, until the pain eases to a manageable level. Why does time always drip by so slowly when we feel like this? It seems kind of cruel to me.

I just ask that you all pray for me.  I feel lonely, sad, hurt, betrayed, and afraid. Talk to me, sisters and brothers.

— Bird

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Author: Catherine aka "Bird"

Marketing Specialist Recruiter Freelance Writer Blogger

103 thoughts on “The Conclusion I Didn’t Want To Come To”

  1. So sorry to hear your news hun I know its tough to see a way through but you will find one but they always say count your blessings and you have three of them who I have no doubt will be putting their arms around you and giving you big hugs xx

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  2. You strike me as a very strong woman. You can do this. Give God the pain as much as you can. You should know how strong your faith is that you have already declared to the enemy you will never curse God. God is your source and he is right there with you. Having been there and done that, I can relate, but don’t know exactly how you feel. But God does.

    When my marriage fell apart at the seams, I clung to God, his word. Honestly, it is the only reason I got through it. It works.

    I say it again. You Can do this. I will pray for you that you will sense God’s presence, peace and his plans for you. Jeremiah 29:11.

    You are strong, full of Jesus. Believe that. God bless you….

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    1. You’re so sweet, Sis. What a nice thing to say! I feel like no one will ever love me again. I know it sounds so self-pity-ish, but I poured my whole heart and soul into this person, and yet it wasn’t enough to keep him happy. I wasn’t enough. That is a hard pill to swallow. Thank you for the encouragement!

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      1. Aw, Bird. It’s not your responsibility to keep him happy. That’s Chef’s job. You did what God asked you to do: you were faithful and pointed your husband to Him. Don’t listen to the lies of the enemy as you go through this. You are beautiful, cherished, and one of God’s chosen. He will love you through this, and I pray He’ll bring someone alongside to show you His comfort.

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  3. I was concerned even before you wrote this. I can’t really explain my reasoning and then you hadn’t posted for awhile and the feeling increased. Not wanting to feel negative or pessimistic of course and so I prayed. It seems God is answering in a way none of us wanted especially you….It is good to hear that while understandably feeling betrayed you are still trusting God for the here and now and the future. I will know better and more specifically how to pray for you. May you feel the Lord’s presence each and every moment….Diane

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      1. I just read this and thought of you…just a reminder
        Diane
        And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you for ever; (17) Even the Spirit of truth; whom the world cannot receive, because it seeth him not, neither knoweth him: but ye know him; for he dwelleth with you, and shall be in you. (18) I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.

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  4. I didn’t know what to say at first, so I searched out my Bible and it opened up unto this first. Hope you don’t mind me placing your name there:

    Psalm 61: 1-4

    Hear Bird’s cry, O God; attend unto her prayer.
    From the end of the earth will she cry unto thee, when her heart is overwhelmed,: lead her to the rock that is higher than she.
    For thou hast been a shelter for her, and a strong tower from the enemy.
    She will abide in thy tabernacle forever; she will trust in the cover of thy wings.

    Feel free to adjust as you see fit. I’m so sory that you’re in this pain right now, but I trust that you remember that God will show how to ease the ache as you continue to go along. Here are lots of cyberhuggies to tide you over. Taker care <3<3<3

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  5. One more prayer ascending to our Heavenly Father for you.

    Bird, I don’t know what to write, I don’t have any healing words to take the pain away, and there is nothing I can physically do to alter your situation, but my prayer is for you and your family to somehow, someway grow closer to Him through this.

    Blessings to you and yours…and as I always write…but now with added meaning…Be encouraged!

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      1. Oh girl…you are never alone…this blog world is weird…having never met, but the pain you feels is instantly transmitted to the heart as soon as I read it.

        Susie and I will be praying everyday for you and yours…and NEVER forget…this is what the Body of Christ is for.

        Be encouraged!

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        1. Thank you and Susie, both. I know that heaven is being flooded with prayers for me, and I feel honored and humbled at the same time. I do appreciate every single one of ya’ll.

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  6. I was thinking of you today, as a matter of fact… even checked you out on FB to see if there was any sign of life. My heart goes out to you…
    You are always in my prayers.

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  7. so many days i think of you wondering if you are alright, if there are smiles on your face or tears in your eyes. i know this doesn’t help, but i have to say it anyways. maybe you will go back to these few words when you are lying down at night. God is closing this door because he has a bigger, better, more rewarding door for you to open when you are ready………………………i know it is tough hon, even when i needed to leave an abusive husband, and i filed for divorce, it hurt like hell. it is hard to be in an area we know so well, then wander into unknown areas. i am so glad you have God, Victoria and us here for you. Some are not so lucky and have no one. Lean on us Bird. lean all you want……..love ya my friend……….

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    1. Bless you, Terry. I know you are right, and thank you for reminding me that others have less to lean on. You are very right! Thank you, my friend.

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  8. Just had my heart broken too, though not as completely shattered as yours. Praying to our heavenly Father, who knows all about pain and suffering. May he grant you strength to stand.

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  9. I’ve been so worried about you my sweet. I’m sorry to hear that your marriage is coming to an end. I know you did everything you could. You’re such a good woman. You will heal, but you’re going to be angry for a time. It’s okay. Be angry. Be hurt. Be upset it’s over. But know you did everything you could. You did Bird. You really did. A heart can break, but it keeps beating all the same. It’s a line from one of my favorite books. Stay strong, but also know that there is no shame in asking for help.

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    1. Thank you, Renee. The one thing I feel okay about is that I didn’t give up without a fight. I’m sure I will land on my feet. I just feel rudderless at the moment. I appreciate your encouragement!

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  10. Judging by the outpouring of affection in the comments, you’re clearly not alone. I have no aspirin or wise words that can short-cut the walk you’ll be on for awhile, but I will lift you in my morning prayers for the next two-weeks. 5AM (CST). Tune in if you want. Walking with you from here. Dan

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  11. Love you, Bird, and am praying for you and yours. I thought of this verse from Isaiah 46:4 for you . . .

    Even to your old age and gray hairs
    I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
    I have made you and I will carry you;
    I will sustain you and I will rescue you.

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  12. “When people walk away from you… let them go…
    Your destiny is never tied to anyone who leaves you, and it does not mean they are bad people.
    It just means your part of the story is over.”

    This is not written by me, but has brings me peace each time I read it. I hope it will do the same for you.

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  13. Wow this hurts.
    It’s the hardest thing in the world I can ever imagine having to do, and no doubt the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do.
    I remember your joy.
    Now this.
    I am so sorry. Wish I could carry it for you.
    But Jesus can.
    Praying.

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  14. I am so sorry to hear this conclusion, but know that God is in control of your life no matter what you go through. He tells us to give our burdens and cares over into His hands and take His yoke, which is easy, and His burden, which is light. I know it’s hard when you are in the middle of circumstances like these to see beyond the emotional chaos, but the Lord understands. He holds you in the hollow of His hand. That is a very safe place to be. He also holds your heart in His hands and He heals the brokenhearted. I have been praying almost daily for you and Chef for some weeks now and will continue to do so. I am believing that the Lord has something wonderful for you after you have worked through this situation. Whatever you may feel, you are loved. God is with you and will take care of you. God bless.

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    1. Thank you for the beautiful encouragement. You will never know how much these comments matter to me right now. I thank God for all of you. And thank you so much for the prayers, both for me, and for Chef.

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  15. Oh dear, I am so sorry, Bird. Hugs and prayers for you and your children. (And prayers for Chef too; Lord knows he needs them.)
    Stay strong and kind throughout. There is light ahead of this. ~ Lily

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  16. Oh Bird,
    So sorry to hear of such a painful time in your life. Praying for you, dear.
    Keep crying out to your Savior for comfort, girl!
    “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18
    May you transition to much happier days soon!
    Virginia

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    1. Thanks, Virginia. At least my daughter Bekkie will be back tomorrow to live with me for awhile, and my daughter from Japan, Caitie, comes home Friday. Dj is scooping up Bek in Texas even as I type this out. I will have all my babies around me, and that makes me happy. I appreciate the scripture…Crushed in spirit is an accurate description of me right. But I know joy comes in the morning. This too shall pass, even if it takes a little longer than I like. 🙂

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  17. Sorry to hear that things have gone this direction, but sometimes it’s the only real solution. While everyone tells you to get a lawyer, and it IS good advice, I’d say — get an honest lawyer and a divorce agreement that has integrity. It will surprise some people, but it’s easier to live with yourself when you have integrity even in these situations. Take what you’re entitled to, but be fair. You’ll thank yourself later.

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  18. Praying that God will supply you with ample grace in your time of great need, extra strength when you feel too weak to go on, wisdom to make good choices, and comfort for your broken heart.

    “He heals the brokenhearted
    and binds up their wounds.
    He determines the number of the stars;
    He gives to all of them their names.
    Great is our Lord, and abundant in power; his understanding is beyond measure.” (Psalm 147:3-5 ESV)

    Praying for you!

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  19. Oh Bird I’m so sorry, I truly feel your pain. On July 25 I lost my husband after a six month battle with cancer. Remember this, “don’t confuse your path for your destination, just because its stormy now doesn’t mean you aren’t headed for sunshine”‘ . Jim and I split up in 2002 and ended up being given ten more years together, I don’t question God for he takes care of me and shows me the way, I asked him to after all. Now I muster up through tears a smile all the wonderful memories, don’t ever forget them, all of this made you who you are today and that’s wonderful because you’re a beautiful person 🙂

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  20. I can only imagine your pain. You can give a person your all and they will still refuse you. Still, you give that person your all because that is what love does. Jesus showed us this.

    You cannot make him love you. And his refusal to love you does not make you any less of a woman. It does not mean you did not love him well enough or long enough. Consider Jesus. He is perfect in love and full of power and yet He cannot not make us love Him. Truly he could, but that would not be love at all. He created us with the free will to choose love. He does not demand us to stay in His arms. He just keeps them open. Keep your heart open.

    As a young girl my mom kept this poem up on the walls of our home: “If you love something. Set it free. If it does not return it was not meant to be. If it does, love it forever.” I know that is not scripture but perhaps it will touch your heart.

    Whether your husband returns our not, know this:

    Your Maker is your husband—the Lord Almighty is his name—the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth. He will call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit—a wife who married young, only to be rejected,” says your God. “Do not be afraid; you will not be put to shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated.” “Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,” says the Lord, who has compassion on you. “Afflicted city, lashed by storms and not comforted, I will rebuild you…” (Scriptures from Isaiah 54).

    Praying for you. May you receive beauty for ashes, joy for mourning and praise for despair. (Isaiah 61:3)

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  21. your inner beauty will see you through this sweetheart – i wish i could give you a hug right now – surround yourself with people that love you and get lots of hugs – and ice cream, ice cream always helps – thinking of you petal xoxoxo

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  22. it doesn’t seem right to hit the ‘like’ button… just want to say take care, be strong, you can handle it! Big hug!

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  23. I’m so sorry to read this… and not in a “pity” kind of way, but more in a “in my ideal version of the world there would be no heart break” kind of way. I hope you are able to surely and swiftly put this behind you, although I’m sure it feels like the last thing you want to do right now. But just remember that there WILL come a time when you are able to look back on this moment and see it for what it is: a stepping stone to something better. It doesn’t seem like it now, but it surely will in the future. Sending you lots of warm thoughts…

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  24. I was thinking about you last night and said a prayer for you!
    I’m sorry that it didn’t work out with Chef..God has a plan for everything..and I hope in this time you feel the love of God and are comforted by Him.
    Thinking of you x

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  25. I was praying with you that things were better, so I too hurt for you. The Bible says that Jesus has already borne our griefs and sorrows. I will continue to pray for your strength in Him. Everything will work together for good. God has something really great in store for you…..unfortunately, it may be very hard to see right now.

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  26. I’m so sorry, Bird! Please know that the One who knows you the best loves you the most and has a future filled with hope and good things for you. Praying that the God of comfort will cover you with a blanket of peace during this time; praying that He empower you with His wisdom and strength and that you operate in joy; praying that every need is met according to His riches as you continue to lean on Him. Bless you my sister…xx

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  27. So sorry to hear this news. Praying for you. The Bible says “I can do all things through Christ which strengthen me” for a reason. We can because His Holy Spirit lives with in us to give us the power to overcome the greatest of obstacles in our lives.

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  28. Remember…to every thing there is a season and a purpose…under Heaven! The Lord brings us through them all! Prayers for comfort and healing for you…and that your season of grieving is brief.

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  29. -warm hugs- Sometimes we need a great big push to force us onto a different path. When you’re ready try to embrace the new possibilities that will come knocking on your door.

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  30. Bird, my heart aches for you, my friend. I’m so sorry that after the (seemingly)positive upswing, things went so terribly haywire. Everybody’s situation is different, but I know that it hurts a whole lot no matter what and why, and I’m also praying that God will grant you the strength to get through every day, day by day. I’m so sorry.

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    1. Well, it has been painful, but I’m getting better with each day. I’m seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you for the kind words and the prayers!

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  31. Dear BIrd,
    I checked your blog today and was very sad to read this new chapter in your life I am sending you a big hug. I pray that GOD holds your right hand and guides you into the next step of your very precious life. Life is indeed fragile and precious I pray that you are held tight with Jesus. You are indeed loved and to be cherished as you share with such transparency and honesty to help others. Now is the time to help yourself and love on yourself. The serenity prayer is my prayer for you.

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  32. You and Chef have been on my prayer list for some time now, and I was grieved to read this. I don’t know what to say, apart from the FACT that we serve an amazing God who only wants the very best for His children and I KNOW He will continue to work in you, giving you comfort, undertaking for you and supplying all your needs as you look to Him.

    Deuteronomy 33:27 The eternal God is your Refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms.

    May you know the reality of being in His care.

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  33. I’m so sorry to hear this news. Life must be truly difficult for you at this time. I pray that all these wonderful comments will encourage you and that God will seem especially real to you right now.
    Tricia

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  34. I have thought about this post since reading it, though we haven’t met the words you said resonated in my heart and spirit. I wanted so much to say something but words failed me at the time.

    But then! A thought broke through the darkened skies and this song (MercyMe’s “Beautiful”) played in my head: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1vh7-RSPuAA

    I guess the reason why so many people love birds is because they’re always beautiful, no matter the season or what they’re going through. You’re beautiful, and, you are loved. 🙂

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  35. I’m sorry to learn of what you’re going through! I will be praying for you, in Jesus’ name! God bless you, and may He keep you lovingly in His care!

    Paulette

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  36. I stumbled on your blog today. I am praying for you. My husband and I have been through very hard times and God did restore us after it seemed impossible.

    I just want to encourage you that even if you have been sinned against, ask the Lord to keep you from sinning in your hurt and pain. I have a friend who is going through a similar thing right now…she is not perfect but she is guarding her tongue…and it is bringing glory to God in the midst of hell on earth.

    God is a gracious God and He will pursue your sinful husband and break him!! God is with the forsaken wife! You can pray tough prayers for your husband if he has broken his vows! God answers those.

    You might be blessed by a post I wrote two days ago on this topic -http://generationalwomanhood.org/2012/08/10/i-saw-jesus-today-dedicated-to-lorna-farris/

    Be strong sister! Walk like a queen knowing that you are a well loved daughter of the King of Kings! Your husband cannot take that away from you!

    in Christ,

    Jill Farris
    http://www.generationalwomanhood.wordpress.com
    http://www.jillcampbellfarris.com

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  37. Bird, I am sorry I missed this on the 5th. I’m currently drowning in my inbox. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers. And you are teaching me something about my relationship with God through the one that you have. I’m so sorry that you have to go through this. As Beth Moore would say, “you are being sharpened into steel”, molded into a stronger person for the future. I know that sometimes it seems like we’ve had enough, (at least I know I have times like that), but I have to think that it’s always for the greater good, even when we can’t see it at the moment. Peace to you…

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  38. Lord, work Your way of comfort within Bird’s heart, easing the pain, and bringing along with Your peace a renewed outlook, understanding, and a blessed walk in You. We praise You, Lord, and accept Your gift of grace. Let Your will be done. AMEN.

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  39. Hi Bird,
    my name is jules and I live in France but I am originally from the UK. I have read through some of your blogs and been quite interested in some of your views, especially the spiritual ones. I came across your blog as a result of doing a google search on the name “Charles Slagle”. Charles and Paula Slagle had featured quite significantly in my life as they had prophesied mind boggling prophesies over me on 2 seperate occasions back in the 1980’s. My life has never been straight forward for many reasons but at the moment at the grand old age of 50 I have been through one of the most extraordinary years of my life and probably the hardest too. This has had the profound effect of concentrating my attention on God and searching out His will for my life. Everything has gone wrong this year, all my plans, dreams and most of my money in ruins. I then read your story about keeping your baby and a few other blogs on here.
    It is incredible how judgemental people can be and what a wonderful God we have that He confirmed what was really a no brainer that you should keep your baby. Likewise God will undertake for you in this situation with Chef, just keep your eyes on Him and trust Him. Psalm 37 verses 3-7 God fulfils His promises always!

    “Trust in the Lord and do good;
    Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness.
    Delight yourself also in the Lord, And he shall give you the desires of your heart.
    Commit your way to the Lord,
    Trust also in Him,
    And He shall bring it to pass.
    He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light,
    And your justice as the noonday.”

    In Him
    Jules

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    1. Jules,

      You really made me cry. Thank you for reading my blog…I like to write. But especially thank you for the scripture. I’m doing better these days, but it would be a lie to say I’m all healed up. Some days hurt more than others.
      I’m very sorry that you’re in the crosshairs of satan, too. I wrote to the Slagle’s about that prophecy, and they wrote me back and enjoyed my story. You should write them!

      Thank you, Julian!

      Like

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