I don’t know about you guys, but I love pictorial stories. And thank the Lord, the internet is just swimming with the perfect pictures, quotes, and general information needed to put together a fantastic pictorial story. So, since my day started off like garbage, I’ve decided to write a pictorial of the last year of my life that makes me feel better. This, added to all the encouragement and general outpouring of kindness you have all showed me, has helped me end on a more positive, happier note. You guys are the greatest!!
On October 16, 2011, Chef decided he was old and needed to launch into a midlife crisis to make himself feel better:
Because he always does things in a really big way, he chose the absolute worst drug on the face of the earth to play around with and lost his mind:
And who could have guessed that inserting Drano, Lithium, and who knows what else into his brain would make him insane? Well, I could. I’d seen it before with my first husband. But I was in love, and I just knew I could save him. How many people on this earth have thought that exact same thing?
For months, I tried to deal with his problem without any help. I didn’t tell anyone…our kids, families, friends…no one. I didn’t want to embarrass him. I thought I could fix it by myself, even without his help.
It was ridiculous now that I think about it. I used to think I was pretty smart. You sure couldn’t tell by this whole fiasco!
As the drug took over, my life turned into this strange roller-coaster of secrets, PTSD, lies, pain, and addiction. It was horrible. What was worse is that because of the nature of the problem, I felt like I had to keep his secrets, too, and I hate secrets. I seriously HATE them.
The up side of it was I gained some interesting skills that ensure me a place as a low level mob known associate. Either that or I can become one heck of a stalker. I can pick locks, break passwords, use an adapter to see what websites he’s been looking at, clean out viruses downloaded by porn, and run off bikers from the front porch with a shotgun. I’m flush with new skills!!
Finally, I figured it all out, and it turned out he was being unfaithful. It was a kick in the gut, but I seriously already knew that was what he was doing anyways. I just wanted some proof. As things fell even more apart, I finally turned to my family and friends for help. Every single person thought I should leave, but I didn’t. I just didn’t want to believe he would pick a drug over me and the kids. But he was too far gone by that time, and I should have given up. I mean, he was doing bizarre things.
Finally, after a seriously dangerous incident, I finally put distance between us, but I was a basket case. I couldn’t believe all of this was happening.
Even though I am a Christian, there were times that I lashed out, wanting him to hurt like he had hurt me. I’m ashamed of that, but it is what I did.
Finally, days started coming and going without the tears. I was able to not think about him, or my whole life, for an hour here or there.
I still harbored some hopes that one day I’d get a chance to talk to him about all of this hellish behaviors that cost us both so much, but he doesn’t want to address any of it with me. However, he’s still pretty upset that I wouldn’t move back in with him when his girlfriend dumped him and turned off his utilities.
Now, even though I live in a new apartment, love my job, have my kids, friends — both online and in real life — I seem to not be able to shake that last little bit of codependency that strives to make me as nuts as he is. I wrote him off forever, and within 24 hours, I’d answered his phone call again. I felt low, low, low.
But, thank God, I was able to get my feelings out, get great advice and encouragement, and I’m back on the path to healing again. Thank you all for your prayers and encouragement. Don’t count me out yet. This war isn’t over !!!