“Hi Bird. I just found your info on a google search. You have probably been told this but you are not alone. I was in a relationship over 20 years and my ex was on meth on with the last 3 years ( of Hell) in our brutal end. Like you I did not want to let go I had been with him so long and expected to be with him the rest of my life. He disrespected me a little more each time he came back around (after a dramatic departure of fighting or accusing )and It did hurt more. I wished like you I would have left when I first realized this is not going away easily but I did not want it to throw “us” away like that. I could not believe how drastically it changed the person I’d walk to the end of the earth for. SO I know you went through a lot that I have. It’s been almost 7 mos’ for me and I am still healing. I do feel like you that if it could help one person that it’s worth telling. I never wanted to bash him just let people know what happens with these drugs. It was so unheard of (to me) I was googling his mood, actions, accusations, etc. I felt like he had been affected mentally and I still do. Anyway sorry so long I just completely related to your story. I know it’s been a little longer for you away and I hope things are better. I know the memory will never be gone and as you I hope my ex one day see’s what his addiction has done to more than just him.
Take care ! and write if you feel or are free to. Have a good day! ~ Marsha
I am always sad to hear yet another story about a life ruined by meth. I imagine you’ve experienced more sorrow in these last seven months than some people will in their entire lifetimes.
I just passed the 2 year mark since I left Chef, and the 3 year mark from when he began using again. I know it isn’t much comfort, but I promise, it gets less agonizing with time. You sound like you’re holding up alright, but if you are anything like me, that changes from minute to minute. Hang on, girl. It won’t go on forever.
This particular drug does affect people mentally and emotionally, both in the short term as well as the long. Over a long period of time, meth addicts can develop meth schizophrenia and/or become chemical narcissists. Like you, I scoured the internet for information about this drug, its effects both short-term and long-term, and anything else about it I could find. The picture it painted was a very, very bleak one, especially for my ex. Most drug addicts develop a tolerance to their choice of drug that causes them to up their dosages a little more over time to achieve the same feeling of getting high. This is called “chasing the dragon”. Most overdoses are accidental consequences of chasing the dragon. My ex was allergic to meth, which caused him to get a much more potent feeling of exhilaration and happiness, and this allergy caused every hit to be exactly what an addict is trying to achieve. Most people with addictions get tired of chasing a dragon they never catch, and their wrecked lives coupled with the useless quest to achieve that high again, often creates a desire to get well again in them. The single most important thing that has to happen for an addict to get clean again is they have to decide that being clean will feel better than feeling high. Unfortunately, Chef’s allergy prevented him from getting tired of chasing something he was unable to catch, and his insane amount of time remaining really, really high prevented him from experiences the fall-out of his life crumbling all around him. One of his doctors told me she had never, ever seen an addict with this allergy to meth ever get clean. I remember being really, really depressed when she told me that because she looked like she was about 100 years old. She made no efforts to encourage me to hope; instead, she advised me to get as far away from him as possible before he ended up killing me.
It took me another 6 months, several physical assaults on me, one with an axe and another with a hammer, before I woke up and realized, she was right. If I stayed any longer, he would eventually kill me.
The downside for Chef was the drug was destroying the receptors his brain at a much greater rate than normal meth addicts. The receptors are needed to process the serotonin that is so vital in stabilizing our moods, experiencing the good kinds of emotions like peace or joy, and once a receptor has been wrecked, your body does not make more, and it can’t “fix” the receptor. He literally destroyed his ability to feel good several times faster than most people. Now, if he were to get high again, the high feeling isn’t at all the same because you need those receptors to experience exhilaration(whether you’re high or not), and he has so few left. The remainder of his life will be lived experiencing only the vaguest shadow of emotions he once had. Ironically, the drug seems to not harm any of the parts of the brain that are involved with the crappiest feelings — anger, jealousy, envy, sadness.
He burned the balance right out of his brain.
I guess every person strikes a kind of bargain with our decisions in life, and mine is to know I did my best to try to save him from going down this path, but in the end, I had to save myself. I feel genuine sadness for his predicament, and I work hard to remember all that I learned about the biology of his actions and not the intent of them. I believe it is fair to say, no matter that it was his own choice to start using again, his actions these days are less about motive and intent, and more about a brain wrecked by chemicals and unable to process vital information effectively anymore. I have to wonder, is that truly a fate worst than death? For me, it would be.
Thank you for sharing your story with me, and l am here for you if you should ever just want to vent. I am putting your email on my Postcards from Hell page so others like us don’t feel so isolated and alone. I think you and I know all too well how important it is we find others going through the same thing.
Take care! “