A Marriage Is Over

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It is always astounding to me how a new perspective in an old situation can change the emotional landscape of one’s existence in that exact moment. Suddenly, though circumstances have not changed at all, you have, and every thing that is happening around you from that moment of clarity on feels different.

As anyone who’s been reading my recent posts probably knows by now, I’ve been engaged in a spiritual battle over my marriage. In a nutshell, my husband Chef is in the throes of a midlife crisis, and I, the ultimate passive aggressive control freak that I am, find myself not only unable to “help” him find his way out of it, but have been clearly instructed by the Lord not to bothering trying. For the back story, you can read any of the plethora of posts under the marriage category or my initial post, I’m A Casualty in my…

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Author: Catherine aka "Bird"

Marketing Specialist Recruiter Freelance Writer Blogger

8 thoughts on “A Marriage Is Over”

  1. I hadn’t seen the original post. Think I came to your blog after that. Hadn’t been looking at many blogs recently, except those that had some input to my own book, which I decided to focus on – I’ve even blogged a lot less. Got to over 65,000 words so far – a long way from our former mutual challenge lol. Looked up your blog just today to see how you’re doing, and would you believe just HOW apt the original post from 3 years ago is for me RIGHT NOW? You were talking about the loss of a marriage, but right now we are talking about the loss of our daughter, yet the lessons are the same. And the lesson is one I am including in my book – we just have to trust God! Trust that someday she WILL see through the sack of crap that she is married to, like everyone else sees him, but it’s HER adult decision to make, not ours, as I am sure you yourself realise more than most. “Let it go” seems to be the mantra de jour.

    Thanks for the ‘delayed’ thoughts. God’s timing is perfect, so in that we see just how easy it is to trust him; he holds it all in his loving hands! Also really glad to see your book is to be published. I’ve had two rejections so far from publishers, so I’ll only expect a few more before I get the ‘yes’.

    Grace be with you… always.
    Tim

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    1. I have so much going on right now, I’m positive I’m chapters and chapters behind you!

      Over the years, I’ve tried to categorize my “life” by organizing this blog in such a way, people interested in marriage can find marriage stuff, addiction information seekers can find that stuff easily, outlaw biker stuff that interests those kinds of readers, etc. Turns out, I’m about as random and disorderly as they come, and I have entirely too many interests. It’s no wonder I’m always exhausted.

      I think some of the really old posts are valuable, while others are better left forgotten. I forgot I even wrote A Marriage is Over, and skimming through that time period, I found several that might help someone else feel a little less alone and scared. But bringing them into my story today only causes readers to be confused, especially newer ones. I am confusing and erratic enough without help.

      I think at some point, I’m going to have to actually separate certain subjects into their own blogs. I have enough info on addiction, abuse, and the emotional and physical toll of losing a long-time marriage to each be able to hold their own interest in their own blogs. I even have enough personal correspondence and postcards from hell to set up a blog entirely focused on other people who are in pain, who might not want to set up a whole diary on-line and open themselves up to the world like that. I’ve always wanted to do that.

      The downside, of course, to doing something like this is, each of these glimpses, neatly packaged in their orderly little blogs, can easily give off an incorrect picture of the glorious train wreck that is ME and why I see things the way I do. It isn’t that I believe I’m so special people are dying to know all about me. Instead, I think it is my constant struggles, and frequent failures, with normal things everyone else struggles with, as well as the huge obstacles that often ruin people’s entire lives, that creates a bond with my readers and a type of trust that’s required for someone to be able to trust you with their story.

      I’ve come through losing my marriage rather successfully, but continue to struggle through the poverty it left behind, the realization that I’m about to be really and truly alone once my last kid moves out, and what to do when you’re stuck in a rut, and..and…and. There is so much crossover in one lifetime, how do you know what you should keep in and what is really not valuable at all?

      lol. Sorry. I know I went off on a tangent. I’ve been really giving this all a lot of thought, and I still can’t make up my mind about what I should do! What do you think the pros and cons would be? I value your opinion, and you’ve been around here, hanging with me for a long time. More importantly, you aren’t one to get confused by my ADD-driven interests that bounce through this blog pretty regularly.

      I’m sorry about your daughter. I think losing a child, or specifically her childhood and that fleeting innocence, would be much harder than losing a husband. I’ll keep you all in my prayers. I wish I could do more. 😦

      Well, lunch is about up. Got to hit the grind again. Thanks, my friend!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m flattered that you seek MY advice. I also have an ADD brain and unofficially I’m on the autism scale! Eeeek! I am what I am. A good friend who has been a beta-reader for my book says that I go off on tangents too, but she quickly said “I LIKE the tangents! Keep doing them!” which was nice to hear.

    I learnt about library organisation when I was at school and Bible College, and re-ordered the entire library at the college, so I took on the skills even if I don’t practice them in real life lol. The main aim of a librarian is to organise books into an easily-searchable system by categories, so on my own blog I decided that categories were more useful than tags. Tags bring in the odd wanderer looking for a topic, and work if your tag is a current trend, but my categories help browsers find the blogs that deal with each topic. I often place them in multiple categories, so a blog on attitudes to politics within the church is placed in both Politics and Church. The only thing I find annoying on wordpress is that the default is to list them in REVERSE chronological order, and I cannot find a way of changing this, unless I change the whole blog over, but that would mean my latest is at the very bottom! Hope that helps; reorganising into different blogs sounds like a LOT of work.

    Despite my word count, I’m only starting chapter 4! #2 was 24,000 and I was surprised when #3 ended at over 20,000! They SHOULD be the biggest chapters, since I’ve got 8 in total to do. My biggest dread is a publishing editor who says ‘cut… cut… cut!’ I like to make sure I cover all issues of a topic that I can but when I’m tempted to go off on a really long tangent I say that I’ll leave it to a later chapter where I deal with a different aspect of the topics. I also have to stop myself when a pet subject is not actually relevant to the book, and just stop myself at saying it’s something I blog about. A reader can look up my blogs if need be.

    Our daughter had decided all by herself to leave the lying loser and came to us with the evidence from her bank account she had finally procured that he was taking all her money and spending it. We had TRIED to tell her before! She got us to help her find a new house, change all her bank details and money over, etc. then 12 hours later he had turned everything around with a sob story about a ‘weed addiction’ over the past 3 years that ate up all the money – I know that’s a lie for MANY reasons, and he did the ‘puppy dog eyes’ – I’ve seen them, they’re VERY good; I warned her not to get taken in by them. Now he’s managed to ‘prove’ to her that WE have been the liars all along, and she is just TOO impressionable (REALLY worries me, that), but after a very dark period of getting very angry, threatening him, seeing visions of his blood and teeth on tarmac, and very foolishly leaving a nasty voicemail that he has used with utmost glee… we are resting in the arms of God, that she WILL see through him someday. Don’t know when, but he can’t hide his true nature forever. YOU know all about addiction! Weed makes someone placid and friendly, not the cantankerous paranoid freak he’s always been, and were he truly repentant of the ‘addiction’ (weed? ha!), he’d be apologising to everyone, not just standing laughing at us through his endless texts and Facebook posts! I don’t believe a word he says now, and to think I was happy for him to marry her! Life, eh? But God is good.

    I must get a few more blogs up myself, and keep a closer eye on yours. Don’t think I’ve read one for a couple of months, I confess. Wanted to focus directly on the book, and it’s become a full-time occupation. Not 9 to 5, more 11 to 7 for me, sometimes later! Do you find later in the day better or are you an early ‘Bird’? 🙂

    Grace be with you.
    Tim

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    1. I’m going to speak bluntly, my friend, as we both know I can’t help myself….lol.

      Nothing screams “Blinded By Love” than this story, Tim. Weed addiction, huh?

      Let’s face it, Tim. She loves him; it doesn’t matter that she shouldn’t, or maybe will find out later, she really didn’t. Right now, she is instinctively trying to find a way to continue to love him, and with that going on, you are basically bringing a knife to a gun fight. Not a good knife, either, like a sword or a machete. More like a small Swiss Army knife you found rusting in a field a long time ago. People in love are selectively blind, selectively deaf, inclined to want to be loved so tend to look for the proof that they are, irrationally protective when defending them against her own family, and most of the time, the pair of love birds quickly fall into a pattern of some kind that is comfortable for them to exist in. That can be a healthy pattern or an unhealthy pattern. But whatever it is, it is pretty darn strong and mothers and fathers everywhere will probably shake their heads in disbelief at least once when dealing with a kid who suddenly considers them the outsiders and starts defending the newcomer. Logic and evidence are worthless because reality can be tweaked when we are dealing with one person’s perspective, and your efforts will not only be appreciated, but you’re attacking more than a husband; you’re launching an attack on a lot of hopes, dreams, romantic fancies and whispered memories that mean something to her. Maybe that is why the venom always seems extreme in these cases.

      Obviously, keeping my opinions to myself is not my strong point, but some light meddling in the eldest daughter’s life was enough to make sure I never venture there again. And the other two kids’ experiences with love only confirmed what I now know about the power of love. I think it is too easy to wreck the parental relationship with an adult child simply out of fear for their safety. Sometimes, by the time they realize they didn’t know it all after all, and the genuine love that was behind some of our biggest mistakes, there is too much said or done to salvage it. I only caution you, as you are an obviously protective and concerned father, to take one large step backwards, and see how what she is feeling is effecting her decisions, and it might make you a little less aggravated and frustrated. Plus, I can remember sometimes defending Chef, who logically should have had none of my allegiance, against Rebekkah, who should have earned all of it, and the level of anger I leveled towards her because she was interfering with what I wanted to be real and true, was extreme for me.

      I know this is all unsolicited, but I hate to see parents lose their children emotionally when they become adults. I could be completely wrong about all of it, but if there’s even a small chance I could help, I would want to try.

      I am going home now. Tired and blog-beaten. 🙂 TTYL?

      ~ Bird

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yeah you’re right. Thanks for confirming. I said to Karen not that long ago that she still loves him and WANTS to believe him. We cannot break that, we can only watch it fall apart (when it does). He does not love her, though. He even said so “as a friend but not as a wife” and her reply was ” I can live with that” !!! She’s clutching any straw. What is crushing this time (it’s not the first) is that she had decided it was over and was certain AND happy again. Our lovely little girl was back, bright and cheery and bubbly, but briefly.

        However, we’ve already stepped back and are only involved to secure access to the granddaughter. Our daughter actually smiled at me when I left the granddaughter back home this week, and it was a REAL smile, so I’m clutching straws too. Love does that, you know.

        Thanks for being frank. I count Frank people as my BEST friends.

        Even though I’ve never met Frank People himself!

        Liked by 1 person

        1. lol..I loved the Frank People routine!! I’m not surprised you reasoned the real problem here…Love. I’ll keep praying.

          One last thought..I found with one of my kids who was going through a series of bad relationships that this cycle seems to be connected to how little they believe they deserve or, I guess, how little self-esteem they have. I guess there is nothing to do at this point but wait, but if she had a talent as a child that you could bring back around, that might help move things along.

          You guys are doing awesome! It sucks now, but it will resolve itself, and hopefully do so quickly. Thanks, Tim!!

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Yeah, she does have an amazing singing voice, but HE doesn’t think so. He’s in a minority of ONE but he’s the one being listened to. Control, manipulation, emotional abuse, poor self-esteem of his own coupled with jealousy? Or all of the above? I feel guilt as a father for ‘giving her away’ to THAT!

            Praying for your situation too. At least I have my soul mate to hug! And we have the granddaughter today (while they’re at a funeral – we’re useful for some things).

            Liked by 1 person

            1. You know, I’ve often wished our culture would implement arranged marriages so we could pick better mates for our kids. Of course, I only wished that AFTER I had already chosen my own mistakes. 🙂 Thanks for the prayers! I’m worn a bit around the edges, but I am fine! Enjoy your granddaughter! Hope you have a fun day!!

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