The End

For a couple of months now, I’ve been thinking it is time to end Everyone Has A Story. I almost never write here anymore, and it has been very evident that I’m okay now. I’m over Chef. He texts me now and then, but it is never anything I welcome, and most of the time, I don’t answer. All of that time period is gone — Chef, Tion, Simon. Rob. Bandidos. I just don’t miss any of it. I’m happy in my new life now, and frankly, I remember when I  genuinely doubted that could be possible for me again after loving someone so much. 

Color me surprised!!

Everyone Has a Story was set up when my husband, Chef, tanked our marriage, and I’m not at all sorry I kept a sort of online diary of what that felt like. But truth be said, I’m too content with life these days to say much more about any of it. The pain now is but a faded memory.

I thought it would be fitting to write a summary of this entire website as a eulogy to my life with Chef as an ending to this website, and to say goodbye to some of my favorite followers. But, let’s face it. I was a chaotic mess, and when I read where my mind was on some of this stuff, even I have no clue.

So, I plan to keep it up, because I still get emails from sad people going through exactly the same thing I went through all the time I was losing Chef. My insanity might make them feel a little less alone and nuts. There’s nothing like feeling  a little whacko to really spice up the flavor of losing everything and everyone you love. Right?

These days the truth is, this story in my life is over. I’m happy. I’m blessed. I’m ready for the next chapter. And this chapter is, somewhat tragically, over. I’ve moved on. It happens.

So here it is. The last post for EHAS.

We all lead complicated lives. For me, I was a statistic regular. I was an abused child who learned too early that people, mainly men, couldn’t be trusted. Despite that, I ended up married to man that I truly loved for over 20 years. It took me literally a decade to relax into my own marriage, but once I had, I was invested and dedicated. I loved Chef, and to this day, I feel that he loved me.

Chef decided one day to join the Bandidos Motorcycle Club. I’m not going to lie here. I was interested in this turn as events as well, since studying human behavior is truly one of my favorite interests. We made some deep friendships, and lived in this culture for a decade. Then one day, everything came crashing down.

My Chef developed an addiction to meth. He had travelled to a funeral for a fallen “brother”, and somewhere along the way, he had used this drug to stay awake.

How typical is it that some of our worst decisions end up being decided so

But it looked like so much fun!!! Trust me. It isn’t.

recklessly? Chef had struggled with drugs before he had ever met me, but unfortunately for all of us, I did not know that. And sadly, even if I had, it wouldn’t have made any difference. Addiction is one of those roads we all travel alone.

Meth leads to a lack of foresight into future consequences, and Chef blew up our marriage. He is guilty of physical and mental abuse, lying, and infidelity. It all was too much, and without warning, I was left with no choice but to abandon him.

People will often say that what I did was abandoning a man who was sick, or that if I was really a servant of Jesus, I would have stuck through all of the pain and misery. Truly, there was time I would have agreed. But I learned within a couple of years of torture and devastation, God wasn’t interested in the plight of my marriage – He was rescuing me from something. We all say in our marriage vows, ” What God has united, let no man pull asunder” but we forget, what God doesn’t want united, that will be torn apart.

God knows me. He knows that reality can be a bit harsh for me, and I have been guilty of trying to mitigate it with alcohol and drugs myself. While I have always been able to turn back to God and cry out in my guilt and humiliation for being so weak, others, like my ex, have not. I believe with my whole heart, I’m not a drug addict or an alcoholic because God decided that isn’t the road He had planned for me. Instead, He showed me what this journey must look like, and feel like, so I would never judge other people who got caught up in this harshly. I believe, He ended my marriage with Chef almost the minute my youngest child, Bug, left home because His plan for me was something different than His plan for my ex. He loved me enough to not sentence me to a miserable life of drugs, which is the life my ex, Chef, had chosen.

It is a sad fact that most Americans will experience a divorce, and even sadder, most of us will experience a devastating loss due to someone we love becoming addicted to drugs. I’m not special in this, and that is truly sad.

But one thing I’ve learned from this experience is that we can heal from it, even those of us so heartbreakingly wrecked. Life is a beautiful thing, and even those events that seem so awful and so permanent are truly valuable to our ability to appreciate what this world had to offer. It is only those of us with tragedy, disappointment, and grief in our eyes that understand what the price of a seasoned soul looks like, and comprehend how very valuable a lesson that really is. I just wouldn’t change a thing about my life, even if I could.

I want to say thank you to all of you for being my sounding board through this so very common sort of heartbreak. I want to encourage you all to take a page from my own lesson book and realize, this too shall pass. You are the only one who can decide whether you emerge from this hell better, or worse, and I hope for all of your sake, it is the former.

EHAS was so therapeutic, cathartic, and frankly fun, and I know, there are going to be times, I’m going to be sad I said good-bye. But it is time.

Good-Bye!!

~Bird

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To My Friend, C – I Understand

addictionI have a friend here in Austin who has found herself almost exactly in the same place as I was 4 years ago. She loves someone with an addiction that took over his life, and in doing so, it threw her life off track as well.

Is there anything worse than knowing, deep down, that there’s nothing you are going to be able to say or do that’s going to make this easier for her? She didn’t deserve this. She is loving and supportive and hopeful for him, like I was about Chef not that long ago. Being loving and supportive a hopeful, though, also leaves you vulnerable. And that vulnerability really left me defenseless at the worst possible times.

The whole situation really made me take a moment to take inventory of addiction 4where I am now. In a ton of ways, I’m much better. I am a functioning brokenhearted woman. I have a job that I work hard at. I have DJ, my son, living with me, and my dogs and cat, whom I love with my whole heart. And, of course, I have my friend Exodus, who I can’t imagine life without. But the wounds, while healing, are still there.

I see myself much differently than I once had. I know I tend to isolate and push people away when in pain, and I’ve done this to an extreme this time too. I worry that I don’t remember why I loved my husband so much anymore, and the thought of someone trying to love me makes me literally panic. I wrote once that I don’t know what to hope for anymore, and I guess, I’m still there. I’m lonely, but afraid to do what it takes to fix that.

addictionI will always be there for my friend who just had her heart shattered and handed to her. I just wish my life gave a better reason for her to hope for a perfect healing.

But maybe, we don’t get over these kinds of hurts perfectly. Maybe they really do change us forever. But even now, when the healing is incomplete and I can still feel the wounds buried in shallow graves in my heart, I see glimpses from time to time of a happier life. I see a possibility from time to time that make me think, maybe. Maybe one day, I’ll be whole again. Maybe one day, I won’t run away from someone who wants to get to know me. Maybe.

I wish I could promise you everything, C. I wish I could take your pain away and just add it to the already enormous mountain of my own, so you wouldn’t have to face it, like I did. But I can’t.

I can just promise you, you have someone here who understands exactly what a horrible experience this is. You have someone who understands how hard it is to get through each minute of each hour of each day. You have someone here who will mourn the death of who you used to be with you, and who’ll welcome who you are becoming now, because she knows what a tremendous force love is and having it crushed changes us. You have a sister in this.

I wish I could give you more.

~ Bird